Hurricane

The eye of the storm past quicker than I could ever imagined. I guess I was just lingering on the edge of denial. I knew it was bad. I didn't want it to be true. It wasn't just their friendship that made me nervous alone. It wasn't the 4am phone calls (and every other hour of the wee morning), or the intimate conversations they had, or his willingness to do anything she asked (but yet not for me?)... okay, that's what started it. It built and built. What if I'm just over reacting? Obviously she's just a friend... maybe I have trust issues. Friend or not, I was disiullusioned by the constant "hiding". He was afraid to tell me he was talking to her so he changed her name on his phone to Mike and refused to answer when I was around. Why? I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I politely confronted on several occasions and told him i felt uncomfortable about their late night early morning phone calls. I told I would appreciate it if when I asked him about her or what they did he would tell me openly and honestly - well... read my earlier blogs and you'll discover that my request was blatantly ignored. The climax: "who's mike?"... "a friend."... "why don't you answer it?" (he always ALWAYS answers his phone)... "i don't want to talk to him." ..." How come?"... "you ask too many questions." "where's mike from?" "I don't know" "oh...". Later on I called that number (as snoopy as this seems I had a strong strong feeling of suspicion): "Hi, is Mike there?" "no, you must have the wrong number." "Oh sorry." an hour later... "Hi is [SHE] there?" "SHE's out right now, can I take a message?" "No, that's okay, thanks."
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.

You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.

I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.

Milestones

Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.

Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.