Upon reading my last two blogs (which are now deleted due to embarrassment) I realized my depression sounded silly. Not the depression itself, since I can still feel it lingering, but I realized that once I wrote it down it seemed as though I was actually just upset about not making enough money and possibly my "status" in society. I think this may have stemmed from recent comments made by friends and family about how much (or not much) money I make. It also doesn't help when I FEEL like I am constantly being compared to my more "well-off" peers, those who's careers are in line with that of business, engineering, and nursing. This is especially true when being compared to my sister who is in business. It seems like everything comes easier and if I had also taken business I would be more respected (by family and employers) and more likely to be hired (maybe not having to endure a struggle to find a foothold in a very competitive industry as I am now). I would also be payed more with less experience... just because it's business. It saddens me that I can not get hired in a filing room because I do not have a business degree (yet filing seems like one of those jobs that is not only
learnable but also completely devoid of needing skill). But then I look back on this and wonder, "why do I want to work in a filing room anyways?" (aside from the fact that I would make more money than being a
kinesiologist, who makes only one dollar more than I do now as a cashier). In the end it comes down to financial stress, combined with the stress of the job hunt itself. I've also managed to unearth some self-esteem issues and have actually caught myself thinking on several occasions "If I were prettier I would have been hired" and things of the like. In conclusion, I suppose I'm currently
battling a little self esteem demon, a learned belief that money equals worth, and some financial strains (present and potential).
