Mud

I feel like I'm desperately clawing at the edge of a muddy hole trying not to fall in but slowly sliding backwards. This is a familiar feeling that I wish I knew how to get out of. If its true that your environment reflects something about your life I'd say that this rainy day certainly makes sense. A cloud is looming above me figuratively and literally. Maybe the traffic jams are some kind of reflection of my feeling of being stuck - or being in a rush but being blocked from getting there - sent on crazy detours around construction zones and hoping that one day its all worth it. Will I even be here for that? A question referring more to the end of construction and a better transit system, but perhaps implying my fear that I may not reach my goals. I have set my mind to it and am willing to go to any lengths, but as winter sets in, it feels like time is not on my side and I may be forced to reevaluate my plans. Although my logical mind realizes that in the big picture these time lines are completely illusionary and I have pretty much my whole life to accomplish what I wish, there is this one voice that keeps reminding me that people move on. Life goes by. It says mean things like how my family won't admire me if I take too long and my boyfriend's life will continue on leaving me in the past. I know it isn't true but it brings tears to my eyes even so. A fight ensues between my emotions and logic. I try to find ways to make my self feel better but I think they end up making me feel worse. Maybe it goes away on its own. I don't remember what I did last time that helped my crawl back on to solid ground.