We (my bf and i) had been invited to attend a wedding in February (his brother's wedding). This was last March. The deadline to pay for the tickets (as it is a destination wedding) was the end of November. All was "well" (I mean there were issues here and there but nothing spectacular) until the evening deadline date which we had put off giving away our money until. That night my boyfriend was short with me often. Then he suggested I not come to the wedding. He was completely serious - no jokes, and I was completely heart broken. He acted like there was something majorly wrong with our relationship and this was the end. The morning after he reaffirmed this position and I thought it was the end and went home (not mine, where I live with him, but to my parent's house) crying. He wanted to talk about it later since his reasoning was ambiguous and so was this apparent "break up".
That afternoon we did talk about it. Nothing was understood and as far as I was concerned the only thing that was resolved was that we weren't actually breaking up, and that we were definitely "together" until our lease ran out. He wanted to have the conversation again after he returned from the wedding... his reason for uninviting me was simply, "I don't know about us". But apparently he knew enough that he wanted to continue the relationship at least for the next few months. WTF. With such grand uncertainty how can one justify continuing the relationship at all? I couldn't tell you my own thoughts at the time. It was some jumble between "What have I to lose but my home, my boyfriend, my vacation, my hopes and dreams? and what's wrong with you?" and maybe the obligation to say we should work on it (work on what? I wondered).
And so we did work on it. And by that I mean everything remained the same except the overcast with occasional showers passing constantly through my mind. The situation was muddled with confounding variables. He was experiencing what he perceived as unmanageable stress from school and financial uncertainty (ei was late). He felt depressed from not having time to go to the gym and from being influenced by school (friends, time, etc.) to eat out a lot. I think he met some friends that he wanted to impress and who may have put bachelorhood on some pedestal (yet they all have girlfriends). Maybe he was turned off of marriage and weddings by jokes from his family about his own life path compared to his brothers (it's not like I had pressured him at all and I told him so). In any case, when he finished school and went back to work and got his routine back I felt the forecast had changed a bit. Occasional breaks of sunshine. I confronted him again about the situation one day (prematurely since it was only December 31st) and he made a sarcastic remark saying, "why don't you come then?". He also said his status was still, "I don't know" and still couldn't explain exactly what he didn't know about. You would have thought I was asking him to sign a contract saying he was indebted to me forever. He said he felt better than when he was in school but still "didn't know".
And so that brings me to now. The forecast is still overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine. And then I saw that picture above on Tumblr and thought how funny it was to this situation because I'm sure he would object to me parading around in a foreign country wearing only lingerie. He would probably feel quite rejected, hurt, and angry if I made a point of telling him he wasn't welcome at this event that would most likely never happen again (hopefully for the sake of his brother? or maybe not depending on how you view his fiance). And then I would say "I don't know" if he asked if should have any hopes of seeing me in lingerie one day (or something of that sort).
He wants to live day by day, which is fine and dandy if it means you are fully living in the present and taking every second to heart. But in this world of plans and futures, living day by day ensures you are never prepared and are only reacting to situations as they occur. I prefer to respond and have dreams and work toward them. I see him say this but he constantly confuses me when he says, "where should we live when our lease runs out?" and "perhaps I should try and get a job at your dad's company." I wonder how one can be so sure on important decisions and so unsure about a 7 day vacation.
