Neuron Party

Help, My gun is jammed.

2012-01-21T10:43:00.005-07:00

We (my bf and i) had been invited to attend a wedding in February (his brother's wedding). This was last March. The deadline to pay for the tickets (as it is a destination wedding) was the end of November. All was "well" (I mean there were issues here and there but nothing spectacular) until the evening deadline date which we had put off giving away our money until. That night my boyfriend was short with me often. Then he suggested I not come to the wedding. He was completely serious - no jokes, and I was completely heart broken. He acted like there was something majorly wrong with our relationship and this was the end. The morning after he reaffirmed this position and I thought it was the end and went home (not mine, where I live with him, but to my parent's house) crying. He wanted to talk about it later since his reasoning was ambiguous and so was this apparent "break up".

That afternoon we did talk about it. Nothing was understood and as far as I was concerned the only thing that was resolved was that we weren't actually breaking up, and that we were definitely "together" until our lease ran out. He wanted to have the conversation again after he returned from the wedding... his reason for uninviting me was simply, "I don't know about us". But apparently he knew enough that he wanted to continue the relationship at least for the next few months. WTF. With such grand uncertainty how can one justify continuing the relationship at all? I couldn't tell you my own thoughts at the time. It was some jumble between "What have I to lose but my home, my boyfriend, my vacation, my hopes and dreams? and what's wrong with you?" and maybe the obligation to say we should work on it (work on what? I wondered).

And so we did work on it. And by that I mean everything remained the same except the overcast with occasional showers passing constantly through my mind. The situation was muddled with confounding variables. He was experiencing what he perceived as unmanageable stress from school and financial uncertainty (ei was late). He felt depressed from not having time to go to the gym and from being influenced by school (friends, time, etc.) to eat out a lot. I think he met some friends that he wanted to impress and who may have put bachelorhood on some pedestal (yet they all have girlfriends). Maybe he was turned off of marriage and weddings by jokes from his family about his own life path compared to his brothers (it's not like I had pressured him at all and I told him so). In any case, when he finished school and went back to work and got his routine back I felt the forecast had changed a bit. Occasional breaks of sunshine. I confronted him again about the situation one day (prematurely since it was only December 31st) and he made a sarcastic remark saying, "why don't you come then?". He also said his status was still, "I don't know" and still couldn't explain exactly what he didn't know about. You would have thought I was asking him to sign a contract saying he was indebted to me forever. He said he felt better than when he was in school but still "didn't know".

And so that brings me to now. The forecast is still overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine. And then I saw that picture above on Tumblr and thought how funny it was to this situation because I'm sure he would object to me parading around in a foreign country wearing only lingerie. He would probably feel quite rejected, hurt, and angry if I made a point of telling him he wasn't welcome at this event that would most likely never happen again (hopefully for the sake of his brother? or maybe not depending on how you view his fiance). And then I would say "I don't know" if he asked if should have any hopes of seeing me in lingerie one day (or something of that sort).

He wants to live day by day, which is fine and dandy if it means you are fully living in the present and taking every second to heart. But in this world of plans and futures, living day by day ensures you are never prepared and are only reacting to situations as they occur. I prefer to respond and have dreams and work toward them. I see him say this but he constantly confuses me when he says, "where should we live when our lease runs out?" and "perhaps I should try and get a job at your dad's company." I wonder how one can be so sure on important decisions and so unsure about a 7 day vacation.

Don't feel like showering. Describes my feelings about 2011.

2011-12-30T13:25:00.007-07:00

So this is my year in review.

I haven't updated in a while. Probably because it seems like my blog was spiraling into an abyss of emotions and don't like coming off as an emotional wreck. I like to think of myself as composed, strong, and a fighter. But I guess 2011 came to teach me that I am all that and the exact opposite as well.

I give 2011 two People of Walmart out of five. I don't even know what that rating really means but percentage wise it equals 40%. For anything bad that happened this year something equally good happened and vice-versa. So here is a break down of my year:

The Not-quite American Dream
2011 started off with a job hunt. I finished my last semester of kinesiology in December and was hopeful and anxious as I jumped into job searching. Three months later several interviews had come and gone and no job. Needless to say my confidence was shaken, I felt like shit. I started working full time at my previously part time job and almost became homicidal because being a cashier at a grocery store is no place for a recently graduated exercise professional... right? Anyways, I ended up turning down a very good interview to work as a research assistant at Alberta Health Services after accepting an offer (finally) to work casually for a physiotherapy clinic near where I live. Little did I know this would later become one of my greatest regrets of 2011. They asked me to cover for a week while the regular Kinesiologist was on holidays. I worked a total of 21.5 hours that week doing awesome physio stuff at this nice little clinic. So the receptionist was a huge bitch but other than that it went well, although I did think it was a bit fishy that I didn't have to sign any employment forms... I asked about it and they gave me a government tax form to fill out and that's all... When the week ended and I had completed three days of work with minimal training and very few mishaps, I asked them about the part time hours they had said were coming up in the summer and they told me this would be happening in May (this particular day was in mid-April). They didn't mention when I would get paid so I phoned later and the receptionist told me to come in at the end of the month to pick up my paycheck. I already felt a bit weary of my new employers so I made sure I showed up April 28 at exactly the specified time. He cut me a check directly from his checkbook (no tax removed or anything? whaaa?) which made me think they must have just thrown out that tax form. Again, I asked about the status of the part time position (still desperate to get experience) and they said they would give me a call. May came and went and no call. I sent an email which did not receive a reply. In July I got a missed call from the clinic on my phone but no message. I called back but no answer. I finally received an email from the receptionist asking if I could work a few days in July which happen to be during the time I was on vacation. I replied and told her about my vacation and that I would only be gone for a week but could help out when I got back. I even called and left a message. They never responded. In the end I felt cheated and used and stupid. How could I have given up other opportunities in favor of this stinker? At least my grocery store job was starting to look up.
First I got a raise. Then in June I got transferred to a different position in the store with much more freedom and skill required and another raise. Then the woman I worked with took sick leave for three months and the receptionist also left and I took over both positions which kept me busy and allowed me more time to get to know the store and my co-workers and make a name for myself (It also looks better on my resume). Even though it wasn't exactly a dream position, after so much shit prior it felt like a step up. I would have to get experience in other ways.
In September I started volunteering at ARBI (Association of the Rehabilitation of the Brain Injured). I met a friend there and coincidentally she had also worked at the same clinic that screwed me over earlier. She also had an awful experience so we had this in common and I felt a bit better that I wasn't the only one. Volunteering was one of the best decisions I made the whole year. I think it helped heal the pain I felt in this area of my life. I met awesome people and am building my own skills in the area of physio and occupational therapy.

One Giant Step for Moron Mountain

In March this year I "left the nest". I moved (only a few blocks away) from my parent's house and began living with my boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment. This was a great success in terms of independence. I learned to better appreciate all my parents have done for me. I took up house hold chores with enthusiasm (at first) and was elated to control my own groceries. I felt like a peasant in a castle and lived like a Queen in search of a simple life. I made great efforts to soothe the wounds I received in my professional life by attending to my spiritual life and my fitness. I bought my own gym membership, utilized the apartment gym as well, and spent many of my days off running to the gym and to the grocery store. I managed to run a 12km route this summer (not including the stop in the middle to work out at the gym or to get groceries at Safeway) several times. I enjoyed nature, listened to music, and meditated. I organized the area around my bath tub to mimic my parent's house - almost like a mini spa! In the area of health and wellness I exceeded this year. I even started cooking more and experimenting with recipes. Christmas was a great success in this area as I made a salad for Christmas dinner at my parent's house and an appetizer of smoked tofu pigs in blankets which were a hit. Maybe I can cook after all! But as I mentioned earlier - for everything good something bad went along with it.

Things started to change with my boyfriend. At the beginning of the year I was having issues with my birth control pill which was making intimacy very difficult. I was frustrated because I couldn't control my own body and what it decided to do (or not do). This was adding to my already depressed mood because of work at the time. I researched non-hormonal birth control and found IUD which help remedy the situation a bit. However, I think the damage was done. Living with me allowed my boyfriend a glimpse behind the curtain even in matters that were previously very private.... maybe he wasn't ready? Our intimate life was never quite restored and despite my own efforts to fix it something had changed for him. Things progressively got worse. We had more spats. On the surface things seemed okay. To me, these changes were simply inevitable things that occur as you grow together (especially when you live together), but to him it was much worse. It came to a climax in late November when he "uninvited" me to his brothers destination wedding. This had been planned for over a year and I was getting excited. Meanwhile he was doing school and becoming more and more stressed out. When he suggested I don't come to Cuba and then proceeded to have a "serious" discussion with me I was choked. He basically threatened to break up with me because he wanted his own space and felt he had changed ("It's not you, it's me). After a lot of talking we didn't break up - I think (although it was never put forth as a real reason) partially because of our lease.... and up until this very moment I still don't know what is going on. The worst part is that he doesn't seem to think his actions were wrong in any way. He's acting like the whole thing never happened - which is even more confusing to me.

And so 2011 had thrown one of its worst curve balls yet. Here I am writing a year in review blog and its ending on a bad note. Or is it? On January first I fly with my family for a week in Mexico. They offered for me and my sister to come after hearing about me no longer going to Cuba. At least it seems 2012 will have a decent beginning.

Mud

2011-10-06T14:34:00.005-07:00

I feel like I'm desperately clawing at the edge of a muddy hole trying not to fall in but slowly sliding backwards. This is a familiar feeling that I wish I knew how to get out of. If its true that your environment reflects something about your life I'd say that this rainy day certainly makes sense. A cloud is looming above me figuratively and literally. Maybe the traffic jams are some kind of reflection of my feeling of being stuck - or being in a rush but being blocked from getting there - sent on crazy detours around construction zones and hoping that one day its all worth it. Will I even be here for that? A question referring more to the end of construction and a better transit system, but perhaps implying my fear that I may not reach my goals. I have set my mind to it and am willing to go to any lengths, but as winter sets in, it feels like time is not on my side and I may be forced to reevaluate my plans. Although my logical mind realizes that in the big picture these time lines are completely illusionary and I have pretty much my whole life to accomplish what I wish, there is this one voice that keeps reminding me that people move on. Life goes by. It says mean things like how my family won't admire me if I take too long and my boyfriend's life will continue on leaving me in the past. I know it isn't true but it brings tears to my eyes even so. A fight ensues between my emotions and logic. I try to find ways to make my self feel better but I think they end up making me feel worse. Maybe it goes away on its own. I don't remember what I did last time that helped my crawl back on to solid ground.

Anxiety

2011-09-23T23:04:00.002-07:00

I'm suffering from major anxiety right now. I feel like I'm reliving one of the worst moments I can remember in relationship history. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm fretting because my mind keep saying, "what if... what if..". My boyfriend went out to a "boys night" tonight. The reason that's in quotes is because they went to a club. All the men invited have girlfriends so to me it seems odd they chose a night club for a boys night.... to me this is simply a strip club to them where the girls aren't fully naked but still attractive but with the added benefit of being achievable and in some cases looking to hook up. My boyfriend once told me he was no longer interested in clubs because they aren't the same when you're not single. It's not like guys go there the same way girls do (to dress up and dance), they are usually going because they're on the hunt. He said he wouldn't be interested in chasing or even pretending to get numbers because that would be "playing with fire". Then today he all excited to go out tonight with the guys, getting all ready and beautified and saying stuff like, "I look good. Untouchable!" and wondering what shirt to wear. I said "who you trying to impress?" thinking, "obviously not me...." with some feeling of sadness... I remember a time in a previous relationship when I was not invited to a club with my ex because it was a boys night...only later to find out that that was just code for "no girl friends" night but all other ladies may apply. Needless to say that was another nail in the coffin... Tonight I sit here wondering if I'm in the right to be so freaked out by this or if my amygdala is simply over reacting to a perceived threat based on experience. Either way I feel my boyfriend is definitely being a hypocrite about it... Why does the girl friend always seem like the crazy person in these situations? This is extremely irritating and I don't know how to deal with me stomach getting all woozy and my brain over thinking and making up worst case scenarios. It's hard for me to believe a bunch of guys went to the club and didn't dance with random girls. I know if I acted that way he wouldn't be too pleased. I don't know if he's actually dancing with other girls but I really don't like the thought of it.

Bathroom breaks. Is there a limit?

2011-06-27T05:43:00.003-07:00

Last night was our staff meeting at work where we basically go over rules and concerns etc. Why did I open my big mouth? Now I have anxiety to go to my stupid job because I managed to reveal my uptight nature regarding workplace etiquette - or so it would appear in this crowd. I made a comment about how I had noticed a huge increase in bathroom breaks and that I thought we should beable to plan our bathroom breaks around lunches and coffee breaks. Not that you wouldn't ever need to go to the bathroom outside those times, but that it would be better if bathroom breaks weren't being abused and taken 10 times in a 2 hour period between breaks. I notice it because I'm usually the one that has to cover for people and I end up being on til all day because every person decides they need a bathroom break every time I come to bag for them. Worst is that they take a ten minute bathroom break and I see them wondering in the store talking to other workers, or when I'm on lunch I see them preparing their lunches, texting, and basically doing everything but going to the bathroom. Well apparently I just insulted everyone and now I am hated. I am actually scared to go to work because I fear people are going to give me the cold shoulder and make comments. I was met with remarks liek "excuse me it's none of your business what I do in the bathroom" (as though I wanted to know?), and "I can't help it I have a small bladder", and "I don't monitor other people's bathroom breaks", and " How do i know how much you hydrated today". In my opinion the point was completely missed - in any other workplace many of my co-workers would have been fired already for taking an unusual amount of breaks of all kinds. For some reason being considerate and actually doing work at work is a hugely unfair task. Anyways, I feel like people sincerely don't like me solely because I pointed out that as adults you should be-able to control when your bathroom breaks are. Does no one agree with this? Am i just a stuck up bitch? In most work places one might get labeled a "dog-fucker" for acting like how we do at my work. The work ethic is appalling. I almost want to go to safeway just to work in a stricter environment.

Convocation

2011-06-13T07:21:00.002-07:00

Until the actual day of convocation I hadn't been too excited about finishing university. Now I realize that attending that ceremony actually improved my self esteem (I guess that's what happens when people acknowledge your hard work sometimes - or maybe that I am now taking credit for it). Actually, I think it might have inflated my ego slightly (unnoticeably hopefully) because I got a degree with Distinction and now I am reassured that I am in fact smart. For awhile I was beginning to feel I was blending into society and no one gave a flying fuck what was going on in my head. It feels much better to walk around thinking, "hey I'm f**king smart, ok. I got Distinction."

Of course the very fact that I am acknowledging this is leading me down another deep thought path about the real importance of it and how it relates to "playing the game" in our culture and my own learned beliefs and values about success. Did I need this "reassurance" because I've been conditioned to do hard work for recognition and award? Would I have felt the same had I never been acknowledged?

I've also started thinking about things I'm good at that have helped me achieve what I have. Although some people may disagree that I am calm and collected, pointing out my panic attacks when the fire alarm in our apartment building goes off or my fear of a dark cloud that has the potential to become a tornado... I think I am actually quite good at handling stress. How else could I have managed a part-time job, soccer during my spare time, friends, dating, partying, and volunteering while doing full time classes and achieving Distinction at that! I also realize this when I'm at work, or even in personal relationships, when people are freaking out about thoughts or difficult situations that I have no problems contemplating or considering a solution to. Maybe that is how I got Distinction: by always considering changes to be new challenges to over come or welcoming them as twists and adventures in my life path.

The past few months been full of self exploration. From moving out to convocation. I am thinking in different ways - reevaluating what is working and what isn't. One thing I can say is that my coping strategies are working (not including fire alarm panics...). I feel a lot more confident than at the beginning of the year.

Tainted Olive Branch

2011-05-24T20:43:00.006-07:00

Yesterday my mom told me she saw one of my "old friends" (or should I say... most recent - possibly only - enemy) out for dinner with her family. They exchanged hellos and my mother spoke with her mother. She later informed me of this which I found interesting. I had no real emotion about it. For the most part I try and be positive, hope for the best for that individual and her family, but otherwise keep my distance.

Then... fairly predictably, another mutual friend of this person my mom saw, called me. I immediately knew why he was calling and was not surprised considering this event might be considered a "tremor" in a long since dormant volcano (anything for a little media eh?). He told me that he had met up with that ex-friend of mine and she told him about seeing my mom and how my mom had told her that I had finished school but was still looking for a job... (deerrrr... MOM what the heck? You're supposed to tell my foes that I'm living well and doing awesome - there's nothing like having the motto "there is no revenge like living well" busted.)

The ex-friend had told him to pass on the word to me that there is a job opening at the seniors home where she works for a kinesiologist and that she "would be glad" to pass on my resume. My first reaction to this news was "fuck that. I'm not walking into that trap." (it only seems logical that a person who is holding a grudge against you and finds happiness in your misery would take advantage of any opportunity they had...). My friend seemed annoyed at my reaction suggesting that she sounded sincere and it was a good opportunity. I realized my mistake in revealing my initial thoughts as I'm sure they weren't flattering on me, but replied by saying I'd probably pass because I didn't really want to work in a seniors home anyways...

The problem is that the past relationship I had with that person had been tarnished by broken trust and a series of unnecessary drama fabricated by that person. How could I ever see this as some kind of olive branch? She had already proven she was capable of first degree drama during our friendship - drama that literally seemed planned out. Although predictable in some cases due to her explosive nature, it was also very systematic, and there always seemed to be a hidden agenda. She had also proved that she believed in revenge and successfully orchestrated it on numerous occasions stating afterward that she "had got her revenge".

The conversation put a bug in my ear that began slowly burrowing into my brain. Maybe she had succeeded in her plan solely by telling him to pass on the message to me, predicting I would turn it down for the very reason I did... now she looks like a nice person, the bigger person, and I look like the one holding a grudge, refusing a job and a connection due to past grievences... there is no way to tell that story and not sound immature for turning down the opportunity. If I tell my parents or anyone else they will say "oh, maybe she wants to apologize, or be friends again." If only someone (there are others actually, others who witnessed what I did) who would see it my way. After all, do I not have a valid reason not to trust someone who has a history of being deviant and for lack of a better word, mean?

Inspiration

2011-05-07T19:53:00.008-07:00

Today and last Saturday I went to the ranch with my mom to visit her horse. The ranch is almost magical. It's located in water valley, a beautiful area in Alberta about an hour NE of Calgary with abundant wildlife. When I go there I feel a sense of fullness - like everything a person needs to live comfortably is there. It's peaceful, no city distractions, lots of wilderness and space, and lots of love. The lady who owns the ranch is a very interesting person, and I often think that it was a great blessing for my mom and her to meet and bond over their passion for horses. It's almost like she gives a positive energy to the world. She's very spiritual, a vegetarian, a believer in animal rights and she treats her animals (dogs, chickens, cats, horses, etc.) like family and with great care. You can tell the animals are loved and are healthy and happy because they are so friendly, calm, and tolerant of each other. The Dog's and cats get along, they don't bother the chickens either, and the horses enjoy their company as well. One of the details that I especially find inspirational is the Tibetan prayer flags that she has hung on the tack-room eves. This is the area where everyone meets and brings their horses to feed and brush. My mom bought her those flags for a gift and I truly believe it has added a new level of peace and positivity to the atmosphere there.

Her house is also very unique. It is very open and filled with relics from the travels of he children - especially things from India and with spiritual significance. She gets along without buying many new things - something I very much admire in a person and hope to cultivate in myself (slowly but surely - I am working on it). There are sheets of fine material that hang from the ceiling that act

as "dividers" (I use this loosely because they simply hang in front of the bed and very vaguely separate rooms in a wide open basement) . The light passing through is orange and pink and creates a romantic and exotic ambiance. It feels as though you have stepped into another country - like creativity and energy in the cloths are filling the room with foreign music and prayers.

The floor is carpeted with pieces of old carpet patched together to cover the cement. Then larger beautiful rugs cover the spaces between the pieces of carpet. The beds have very comfortable looking sheets to top it off.

It's a very inspiration place that makes me want to start doing art again. I've been trying to get back into it for awhile now.

Laundry

2011-03-26T20:47:00.002-07:00

sometimes i feel I'm climbing endless stairs

I feel a slight disappointment when I realize each step is the same as the last

I am still the same old me.

A lot of sitting and waiting, laundry and dishes

have I let myself become a house wife?

no, but how do I feel pretty again?

and I wonder, does my mother feel appreciated?

In the desert you can remember your name...

2011-03-10T17:59:00.004-07:00

Upon reading my last two blogs (which are now deleted due to embarrassment) I realized my depression sounded silly. Not the depression itself, since I can still feel it lingering, but I realized that once I wrote it down it seemed as though I was actually just upset about not making enough money and possibly my "status" in society. I think this may have stemmed from recent comments made by friends and family about how much (or not much) money I make. It also doesn't help when I FEEL like I am constantly being compared to my more "well-off" peers, those who's careers are in line with that of business, engineering, and nursing. This is especially true when being compared to my sister who is in business. It seems like everything comes easier and if I had also taken business I would be more respected (by family and employers) and more likely to be hired (maybe not having to endure a struggle to find a foothold in a very competitive industry as I am now). I would also be payed more with less experience... just because it's business. It saddens me that I can not get hired in a filing room because I do not have a business degree (yet filing seems like one of those jobs that is not only learnable but also completely devoid of needing skill). But then I look back on this and wonder, "why do I want to work in a filing room anyways?" (aside from the fact that I would make more money than being a kinesiologist, who makes only one dollar more than I do now as a cashier). In the end it comes down to financial stress, combined with the stress of the job hunt itself. I've also managed to unearth some self-esteem issues and have actually caught myself thinking on several occasions "If I were prettier I would have been hired" and things of the like. In conclusion, I suppose I'm currently battling a little self esteem demon, a learned belief that money equals worth, and some financial strains (present and potential).

Boxing Week Conflicts

2010-12-29T09:23:00.002-07:00

Have I ever mentioned that Walmart makes me physically ill? I think I have some kind of hang up about consumerism... I feel guilty for buying things but the consumer inside me is begging to go boxing week shopping.

Usually I don't shop very often simply because the styles I like are either too expensive or not "in style" during the year. Except this last fall. So many nice clothes! Finally! The colours and styles I like and now many of them are 50% off during boxing week.

However, I'm starting to think the higher power is trying to make me choose the greater good over my own vanity. Why do these amazing deals on awesome clothes come at a time when my credit card bill is repulsively high (from Christmas shopping) and when my moral compass is directing me away from the rampant consumerism our society is experiencing?

I figured cleaning out my closet would make me feel better... I'm not sure if it has worked or not.

Tonight I'm cleaning out my closet...

2010-12-29T09:16:00.003-07:00

Prior to Christmas I spent a few hours one day watching the first season of Hoarders. I am now fully motivated to organize my room... however I've run into a few problems.

First off is... I'm not a hoarder - and so I have an average amount of stuff and clothes, most of which gets used on a regular basis. This makes it hard to "clean things out". I've managed to fill up one box of stuff to donate.

Second, despite my problem of not having a huge problem like hoarding, I still feel like a hoarder. I look in my closet and feel disgusted. Why do I have so many clothes? Logically I consider that I live in a climate with four distinct seasons which makes it slightly more necessary to have a store of weather appropriate clothing such as shorts for summer and sweaters for fall and/or winter... I can't just get rid of all of it because that would be committing to either a financially unstable future or a physically uncomfortable one.

Thirdly, I am about to enter "the real world" of 9 - 5 working, thus I must have appropriate work attire. So far I have one pair of dress pants (my other pair was a casualty of the dryer and my lack of attention to tag instructions like "dry clean only") and a few decent tops. Most of my clothes are casual... I would like to buy new work clothes but then that would be adding to problem number two.

I've come to the conclusion that my best bet is to wait until I actually start working then slowly replace casual clothes with work clothes... and maybe maintain about a third of my current casual clothes...Why do I feel guilty for having "stuff"? I want to get rid of it all and just start over but obviously that's just silly.

On the flip side of the coin... it doesn't happen very often that my favourite styles of clothing are on sale during boxing week... See next blog for details.

Dear Me.

2010-12-12T23:41:00.004-07:00

Dear future self,

Upon reflection of recent past blogs I have come to this conclusion which is important for you to remember if you want to remain sane.

Remember that a healthy relationship is one in which your boyfriend can have a female room mate and you have no fear that anything will happen to threaten your relationship. But how will you know? you might ask. You won't. BUT this is not a reason to be alarmed. This is the knowledge that sets you free. Let go of fear. Trust is a choice. Trust is the knowledge that you can not control others, however you can continue to believe in their reliability and empathy toward your feelings. What YOU CAN control is most important. YOUR love for your boyfriend is what matters most, and to lose trust is to lose YOUR love (regardless of the situation you have no control over where he chooses to distribute his love). The universe accepts love and returns to you abundance. If you withdraw your love you withdraw your chance at a happy relationship. Remember that poster on the wall in grade 8? "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take". True. Love you don't give is love never received and thus never returned. Trust in the universe. Trust in yourself. You are a great person whom good things will happen to. Although unfortunate circumstances happen in life, they are for learning, and to which the good things can be compared and therefore considered better. So remember when you begin to feel angry or down: you hold the key. give your love. choose to trust. and last (and most practical) blog about your feelings because it definitely helps (lol). I feel so much better now. I will now bold the most important words.

2010-12-06T15:53:00.002-07:00

So here is my attempt at beggining journaling including thoughts that I usually try and refrain from writing about. Apparently to actually get the benefits of journaling you can't censor your thoughts - good or bad - because the whole point is to figure out how to deal with them better.

First off, I will start by writing that I generally try not to blog about negative feelings because for some reason I feel like I'm going to jinx myself and make them become more real.

Seondly, I need to express the feeling of feeling guilty for having the feeling of needing to express feelings... wow. Anyways, I feel guilty for having non-positive thoughts about my life because they seem silly, like a big WIM story, like I'm taking things for granted. None the less, they still occurr and maybe this is an appropriate way of dealing with them.

On Saturday I went out with my friends but afterward on the way home I started to feel very angry. A familiar feeling of being hurt (before it happens) occurred and I traced it's origins back to my boyfriend telling me that his new room mates whom he previously thought were a couple were actually not. He told me this several times and I had this poking in my brain start... what if he's telling me this because he's trying to get me jealous by suggesting that the girl is single? Also, he said he had met them but he had only told me what the guy looks like... in my past experience, men have had this strange tendency to place immediate judgement on girls they meet and are not attracted to but when they didn't it translated as some kind of general attraction... or maybe that is just the pattern of untrustworthy males of the past... I knew my feelings were just old scars getting poked by a new but all too familiar situation (new female with too much unsuperised access to my man!). I knew I was acting crazy. It was almost like I couldn't control it though... my throat started to close, I could feel tears tensing behind my eyes and my stomache get queazy. My boyfriend called me and asked if I was coming over and I was like a demon speaking from my body "if you want me too. maybe you'd rather hang out with your room mate." I was met with "why are you turning all bitchy" with which I tried to correct the situation by suggesting I was angry from the boredom of my night out. I tried to hide the sharpness of my voice. On the way to his house my mind was racing. A fight between emotion and logical thinking ensued and I was almost brought to tears a few times. I felt like I was going crazy. I kept thinking I should see a counsellor. Why do I feel this way? Hastely answered by a recount of all the things he had said and their possible secret meanings... the potential for something to happen. When I got to his house I couldn't hold my tongue. I told him my feelings and why I felt that way.... at first I was met with anger, "well maybe you should just leave then. If I had known you would be all crazy...." (I don't remember how that sentence ended). I tried so hard not to cry. I apologized and said I felt like a crazy woman had come out of me from somewhere. The discussion was short lived and seemed to be resolved after some discussion about how his room mate was much older than him and overweight and thus I had nothing to worry about. I felt better - and worse at the same time. Now... the jealousy problem seems easier to work on, but it's been replaced by the fear that he will never trust me again... thinking that I don't trust him (I do trust him... I was temporarily overwhelmed by a swell of primal emotion). I feel like I have to forever hold my tongue and neer suggest I am jealous ever again or he will be so angry and leave me.

The end result is somewhat of a depression I have fell into. I feel sad and afraid - and for no apprent reason. For things I have thought up that don't exist.... Why have I done this? What is wrong with me? My logic brain keeps trying to find a solution... research has told me that my jealousy is evidence of insecurities.... and maybe its true. But if good people I know and beautiful celebrities get cheated on what makes me so sure it won't happen to me? I'm trying to find a way to feel better...

Bzzz beep bzz shhsss An error has occurred.

2010-12-02T15:03:00.002-07:00

This is the sound of my brain right now as it reaches maximum information consumption. I'm in the home stretch of school - finally. Today was the last exercise physiology lab, possibly the most time consuming lab reports I have ever done... they constantly pushed me to my limit (mostly of focus) and I felt very frustrated by the end, especially knowing another one would need to be started in the next three hours. I literally felt like I was doing some kind of lab marathon... ironically most of the information was about metabolism related to sports performance (thus the reference to "maximum information consumption" earlier). I've decided to compare how my brain feels to exercise physiology. So I pushed really hard in the last few days to complete big lab assignment. I was pushed to work above thinking threshold 2 where rate of mental work (fatigue) is equal to rate of recovery. This caused me to accumulate fatigue (probably explaining why I am writing this blog and drinking a huge hot chocolate right now) since recovery rate was less than mental work. This is okay once in awhile because it's like training for speed or doing interval training - push really hard and improve rate of mental work to time available. However, the greater mental work capacity you have, the higher the workload before you reach thinking threshold 2. Work capacity is influenced by your coping abilities (stress reduction strategies, time management, etc.). A mental marathon requires this base to put forth the best work in the shortest amount of time. But coping strategies can only be practiced if 70% of training is below thinking threshold 2 or even below thinking threshold 1 (where recovery time exceeds mental work - aka relaxation). If a person was to be chronically exposed to interval training they would burn out. Their capacity to endure the mental marathon would be reduced. This my friends, is why you shouldn't procrastinate.

Another healing followed by a very crazy day.

2010-11-25T23:14:00.005-07:00

Last night we went to another healing session. I enjoy the meditative atmosphere.. It's very relaxing and that is just what I need. After today I may need it more!

This morning I had an interview at a physio clinic for an assistant position. I got the job immediately however they may not be able to "afford" me. Apparently I'm over qualified and the pay is actually intended for students. They said it was up to me if I'd be willing to take a pay cut. The pay cut is a lot more than I'm willing to take, unfortunately. It's time to start living independently which costs moola... and less than what I make at my current part time job just won't do the trick. Now I have to figure out how to respectfully decline.

Now here is the story of my crazy day: woke up early thinking I would have to drive for an hour in traffic to get to the interview on time. It only took me 20 minutes and so I was an hour and fifteen minutes early... I decided to fix my radio which was messed up from the death of my car battery yesterday. Once I finished that I realized it was getting a bit chilly in the car so I decided I'd driver around a bit while I wait... BUT my car wouldn't start. The battery was dead again. Luckily I was already at the interview place. So I just played brick breaker on my phone for half an hour,

After the interview I walked over to Good Earth cafe while I waited for my parent's to save me. The computer was down and there was only one staff member. Consequentially, although I was only second in line, I waited for 15 minutes to get a candy cane hot chocolate which ended up being a candy cane chocolate mocha thing. I really don't like coffee flavour but I decided to suck it up instead of taking it back because the poor woman was so flustered already and the line up was building. Finally my parent's arrived and I was saved by their boosting power.

I stopped on the way home at a seniors home which was advertising a job about a week ago to ask if it had been filled yet. The receptionist didn't know and couldn't get a hold of anyone. I told her I'd call later but she "forcefully" insisted I fill out an application and give her my resume (which I happen to have on me since I had just come from an interview). I rushed that application and I'm pretty sure I won't get that job entirely because my application sucked so bad. On top of that the resume was crinkled from being at the bottom of my purse. That's okay though because that job was not my first choice anyhow.

The rest of the day consisted of studying at school for a lab exam in the evening (Sadly, I missed my soccer game). I had good intentions to study today but I found it very difficult to focus... job searching seems to be my biggest distraction lately. The exam went alright but I didn't study the literature enough... At least it's done now. Only one more lab write up to go until finals and eventually freedom.

BTW. The shaman who did my energy healing last night told me I should start journaling. Does blogging count? This is suppose to help me identify what triggers my emotions which seem to be on a rollercoaster lately (most between two extremes of anxiety: stress and excitement). I love healing sessions!! Free counseling.

Fairy Realm

2010-10-18T12:29:00.007-07:00

On Saturday my boyfriend and I went to my Aunt's graduation from her energy healing class. She is now a certified energy healer! I've been to one of their classes before with some interesting results afterward. This is what happened this time:

I had only three ladies around me this time (last time I had 4 people, 3 women and a man). I closed me eyes and tried to relax on the table. I was feeling a lot of anxiety this time, and was having trouble getting my mind to relax at first. Once I did I started thinking about the rabbits I saw and thought about last time. I found myself looking out from under a tree in some park, as though I was a rabbit (from his point of view). I was watching a lady walk a small white dog. Then I went up the tree past a crow squawking and ended up back at the community center - sitting on the roof looking down onto the parking lot. I'm not sure if this was a series of random thought or if I was controlling it... anyways, it was time to open my eyes and hear what the ladies had to say.

The first one told me I was an old woman from biblical times in a past life. I suffered from leprosy and was outcast from society. The feeling of being outcast and unworthy was carried with me through all of my past lives (even one where I was a princess) until this day. It was still in me. She told me she had taken it out though.... I don't feel any different but I suppose I will begin making a concerted effort to be more positive toward myself as this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my interactions -" you need to be more confident, you have so much potential, believe in yourself, don't be so down on yourself", non of which I actually feel but apparently this is obvious to others.

The second lady expanded from the first and said she visualized me in a meadow with rays of sunshine shining down on me but I was not absorbing them, indicating to her that I needed to accept love into my heart and open my heart. She said there was a lack of energy in my heart chakra. Then she said that she felt I had digestive problems (haha, how did she know? did I accidentally fart? Pretty sure I didn't). She said this was because I was being too hard on myself and trying to be perfect which was not possible. I was trying to please everyone. Could this be some residual energy from my overworked summer - trying to please all my clients, two employers, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends? Stretching myself thin and feeling worn out? It happened recently, but since I quit that job I've felt much better and have made more effort to assert time to myself.

The third lady had an elegant British accent. I think it made her reading seem somewhat mystical (aside from the actual content she said). She had been positioned near my head (this is important fact for later comparison). She told me that she had received the feeling that I was not "human". That my spirit was not a human one but from another dimension. I had shown a fairy realm where things sparkled and generally looked pretty fairy like as I did. She told me I was trying too hard to be human as I had in my past lives as well and that I needed to accept my energy as what it was and embrace it. I needed to dance and be creative and bring my fairy energy into life because being human isn't all its cracked up to be. The lady then told me not to be disappointed that any partner I would ever meet would not be able to keep up with my energy because it was simply not of their world....

My Dad's immediate interpretation of this is that she's probably nuts. I thought it was definitely the most interesting reading! What was more interesting is that in my prior reading (during the summer), the man who had been near my head had began to cry (which apparently is unlike him) and told me he I had shown him my true self and it was so beautiful - he saw me transform into a butterfly. Interesting.... butterflies and fairies have many things in common....
What is my practical interpretation of this? Well, I have now been inspired to be a fairy for Halloween! Fun with makeup :-) (a more scary/mystical looking one vs. the stereptyped girly tinkerbell look).

The only theme I can really draw from these readings is that I need to work on self love more often and possible embark on a creative endeavor. They also told me to continue my spiritual practice, which I obviously intend to do.

Low self esteem days busted by... guilt?

2010-09-21T08:54:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, as everyone has, I have a low self esteem day. Usually they come about out of thoughts of inadequacy for some reason - my two most common are "not pretty enough" (fairly common I think) or "came from a boring culture" (this probably arises from having a very eclectic group of friends, all who have some kind of background they can share - I represent the just Canadian, whatever that means). One way I've discovered to bust out of these spiralling downward type of thoughts is to think of my parents and then feel guilty... motivating me to think positively and thus allowing me to forget my grievances and be thankful for what I have. To deny my own beauty is to say to my my mom "mom your genetics are ugly!" which is obviously not the case. I come from a long line of good looking! To think I am from a boring culture is to tell my dad I am ungrateful for everything he's taught me and the experiences my family has had together. My parents are definitely not ugly, so how could any combination of them come out that way? Everyone is unique and I am no exception. I represent a combination of two different people's DNA, a miracle that it could happen at all. I grew up and had my own experiences just as my friend's did. My parents and family taught me what they know and what they've learned through their lives as Canadians. In conclusion, when I notice myself falling into a low self esteem cycle I think of my family and how they would feel if they knew I had those thoughts. It's like a kick in the butt - or a voice telling me to stop being so ungrateful and think of how thankful I am for my parents and how much I love them.

This thought has further intrigued me to wonder what the results of a study on the differences in self esteem in individualistic cultures and collectivist cultures are... a small amount of research in this area revealed that it seems as though collectivist cultures are more likely to avoid "self - enhancement" behaviours while individualistic cultures score higher in this area... hmmm is this blog evidence I come from a individualistic culture? Here a link to a text regarding cultural effect on personality, etc. HERE

Meant to SEA

2010-09-09T12:33:00.002-07:00

A book I was reading about becoming psychic (hey, who doesn't want psychic powers? come on people) told me that in order to improve my intuition I should record moments in life where a divine hand seemed to be at work. This is the story of how I came to have Great Big Sea tickets for this October.

It all started a few weeks ago when I heard the song "When I'm up" on the radio. I had forgotten about Great Big Sea, seeing as they haven't produced many hits since I was about thirteen, but none the less was happy to hear an old song. Being on a "positive thinking" kick for quite some time now combined with a yearning to re-visit the east coast, the song rekindled some happy feelings and I decided to remember a few more of their songs, like Ordinary Day and Consequence Free. Oh how happy. So I downloaded them to my ipod, and before long decided I should search ticket master in the event that they might be touring... what are the chances? Pretty good actually - like 100%. There next concert is October 27th in Calgary. To my dismay, they were sold out. So I looked on eBay for some scalper tickets at a reasonable price but could only find some that were a bit too much for me to justify it. So sadly I decided it must not have been meant to be. This was about a few weeks ago.

A few days ago I was looking for a specific email and found it in my junk mail. I clicked the "move to inbox" option and my screen reloaded to the next junk email - opening a giant picture of Great Big Sea with huge letters reading "Presale tickets" and a password. I was confused and read further. It seems they made another concert on October 28th. The pre sale happened September 8th at 10am. WTF. Awesome. So I went on the computer at 9:55am yesterday morning and bought some Great Big Sea tickets. Thank God the next email in my junk folder happened to be that one or I never would have known of a second concert date, much less received the password for presale tickets and the date to buy tickets. Holy smokes, lucky me. It seems as though some higher power approves of me seeking out positive music. :-)

Soul - Mates (in the australian way)

2010-08-26T12:00:00.002-07:00

Ever meet people that you swear you must have known in another life? (assuming you can believe in reincarnation). Maybe you were friends when you were both cowboys in the frontier or something... or two dinosaurs flocking away from a T-rex together. You must hav been through an adventure together of some sort. Your spirit remembers them but your present body and mind does not. There's just a vaue feeling of familiarity, maybe an instant connection - easy conversation, a feeling of knowing and "caring" without really knowing too well.

I sometimes come across this feeling in my job. A co-worker or client I instantly connect with. For some reason it's usually someone older than myself. The reality of the present time is that we were born decades apart... we come from very different backgrounds and it would be unlikely we would ever meet or ever talk except for the circumstances. Somehow I have a sense or feeling of knowing them. Perhaps our souls are drawn to the same places somehow (like that movie with Will Smith - I am Legend). Or maybe we've had so many lives before it's impossible not to run into a soul-mate... Another theory is goes back to the one universe idea... we are all connected and at some deeper level are all one and the same unconditional love, God, energy, etc. It's a mystery.

In any case, shoutz out to all my soul-mates.

Heart Strings

2010-08-17T08:20:00.003-07:00

Ever since I went to Nova Scotia in February, I've had this little yearning in my heart to go back. I have a few friends who live there and each time I look at their pictures I feel a little tug. Halifax is such a nice place. I feel like there was so much to explore there and so many little adventures I didn't have time to go on. I just really enjoyed the culture there, the ocean, the ships, and the people are so nice (man, they know how to party!).

Even though I went in the winter when everything was closed I still liked it. Farewell Nova Scotia! If only airline tickets were cheaper to travel there. I can go somewhere tropical,or spend a whole week in Vegas for less...

The Saskatoon Berry Farm

2010-08-14T16:09:00.002-07:00

"Your berries are delicious but you're a fucking tool" - Dan to the guy with a Saskatchewan licence plate driving terribly.

This week was the longest week of my life. I lay in wait for my upcoming, well deserved vacation. And by "lay" I mean I worked my ass off, did a million errands, responded to tonnes of emails and planned more for my upcoming fun time. Every second seemed to take 3 hours to go by. On top of this my family is on vacation already and left me to take care of our spoiled brat pets... I didn't get more than an hour of sleep cumulatively any night this week. Only a few more days. Only a few more days. Staying in the moment is my challenge this week.

Today that challenge was a lot easier. We went to the Saskatoon berry farm near Okotoks and indulged in a relaxing afternoon picking berries and eating ice cream. The weather was beautiful, and the hype was built up by a series of events earlier this week. 1) I found some Saskatoon berries growing in the forest near my house while walking the dog - delicious. 2) the Saskatoon berries in my backyard finally became ripe two days after the fore mentioned event. It was fun. It was different. I heard about the farm from one of my client's at work (she's a senior citizen - they know all the good old fashioned down home fun places. So if you have a hankering for a good date place chat up a senior) a few eeks ago and have had berries on the brain since. Last night my grandma took us out to Grey eagle Casino for the buffet. Yet another day of indulgence. Even though I've literally only had about 24 hours of free time (cumulative)since yesterday I feel like I've finally had a bit of vacation (not including the pedicure and massage I got last week *sigh* but seriously).

Updated thought and poems

2010-08-08T11:40:00.002-07:00

Actually I decided that tumblr is more like a hybrid between twitter and blogspot... yes.

I also wrote a few new poems now on the poems page.

Been considering getting back into art stuff - problem is school starts again and won't have time again. I did design myself a tattoo that I plan to get soon (awesome....!) so as for creative endeavors that's the most I've done so far. Been inspired by boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's website who is a graphic artist to rekindle the art flame in myself... only a few more months and then I'll graduate and be free ... free to work a decent job and have a hobbie. Working out is going well though. Actually managed to work out all 5 days of the week last week - didn't feel it made too much a of difference though - maybe 3 to 4 is a better amount.

AXON

2010-07-13T11:19:00.002-07:00

I just opened up a tumblr account. Once again, I discovered something on one of my facebook explorations... a friend's tumblr account... I honestly had never heard of this before until today, so since her's looked nice I decided to copy and make one of my own. I suppose you could say it's some kind fo hybrid between twitter and honesty box... anyways, here's the link: http://bobisme49.tumblr.com/

check it out mhen.

Finding out too late, too soon.

2010-06-24T20:59:00.004-07:00

The other day I had a very strange experience. Surreal. Not in a good way. It started as one of those nights where I decided my brain needed a break from real life to take a gander through my friend's facebook pages. Perhaps I was bored... or perhaps I was trying to feed some kind of subconscious hunger for gossip. In any case, I found something.
I was snooping on one of my old pal's profile who doesn't update very much. I noticed a status that read "Loren you will be missed... RIP". It caught my attention because we have a mutual friend named Loren. I felt my breath instantly become shallower as I started to type Loren's name into the search bar. I clicked on his thumbnail profile pic and was brought to his familiar page. At this point I was still thinking that it might be a joke. The first thing I noticed was that his fiance had been the only person posting on his wall for the entire visible part. Each one of her posts was a little summary of her day and some thoughts, followed by I love you. I scrolled down and down and down, reading older and older posts. Most were hers, one or two were written in an Asian language from others, and there was also one that was A quote from the bible. It all seemed to match... perhaps he really had past away.
I checked back on my other friends page as to when it was posted, finding out that it was the end of March. I scrolled down to the march postings on Loren's page... the last post he made March 18th... the first post indicating that anything was wrong was his cousin's post - something about he will be dearly missed - March 23. What happened?! I was in utter shock... how had this happened? and how did I not find out until now?
I had commented on his wall about how cute the picture of him and his fiance was on March 11th. Both him and her had liked it. When he first met her he sent me emails telling me about how he thought he had found "the one". He described their first date - it was so romantic - cheesy... but in a good way. I met him when I was 18. He came to visit my friends in lethbridge who had met him in Alaska when they lived their for a few years. We hit it off instantly and kept in touch via email and phone a few times, and facebook. He was such a nice guy with a great sense of humour. I always felt he was a "soul friend" ( I use this term to describe friends that don't have to see each other often or even know each other well but it's as though they know each other on a deeper level - like their spirits know each other or something...). Loren was one of those people I cared about without ever being close (we live in different countries) or even talking much - it was just "known".
Such a vacant feeling... I knew it was real but kept thinking "how could this be?" He wasn't ready (clearly God felt differently). I've been trying to get a hold of our mutual friends but after several years and busy lives we've drifted apart - plus they don't use facebook that much anymore.... to no avail - I still don't know how it happened.

In conclusion, I suppose I've taken away from this experience a knew appreciation for the fragility and dynamic quality of life. "The only constant in the world is change". I've also come to feel very thankful for having had the chance to know Loren and the better part of his personality. His life was like a tragic chick flick... something like the notebook I guess. A real life story illustrating the power and importance of love. I shed a few tears thinking about the power of his short life, and how it seems as though his death was like the period at the end of a very meaningful story.

Low Maintenance Blues

2010-05-26T09:11:00.003-07:00

I feel like I look pretty homely lately. The problem is that I don't have time to put makeup on, do my hair nice (or at all), and I work a lot so my wardrobe is mainly comfy pants and tshirts. I was looking up low maintenance makeup routines on google only to find that other people's version of low maintenance is my version of getting dressed up. Putting on foundation AND concealer AND blush?! And that's not even including the eye shadow and lip gloss. THAT'S low maintenance?! In my opinion, putting on foundation and concealer and blush is the beginning of high maintenance because it takes more than 5 minutes to do. They might say it takes only 5 minutes but that's a lie. Have you ever tried the so called "low maintenance" makeup routine? It takes me at least half an hour to do. Five more minutes and I might as well be getting ready for a glamorous party of some sort (not including the hair). Isn't there something I can do that takes 15 minutes or less and doesn't require any kind of overly expensive products? Is that too much to ask? Do I have to convert myself into some kind of prissy girl in order to look decent? Why can't people just think I look good the way I am?

And another rant... Why can't anyone seem to accept my natural hair colour? I'm trying to save money people. It costs almost 200$ to get a nice hair cut and colour these days and I simply can't afford that. I'd rather do other fun expensive things, but I keep getting questions asked of me like "when will you get highlights again? You look really good with blonde hair," and similar things. The real question is do I look that bad with my natural light brown hair colour? Is there something wrong with me or everyone else because they care that much about if I look dolled up or not? WTF. Maybe I should just sleep and rott in bed and then I'll only ever have to wear pajamas.

Thank you community natural foods for allowing me to be low maintenance. And F U as well because now that I am, no body likes me so I think I'll go and eat worms. :-P

Perfection is an arbitrary reference set as a standard to which all else compared to it is considered imperfect. Who decides what it is and why do we strive for "it"?

Stairs, Geese, and Blogging

2010-05-19T12:49:00.002-07:00

I'm a bit pissed off that either this program or this computer won't let me copy and paste between my blogs. wtf. Anyways, I've been blogging more on PT blog just because it's mostly been related to exercise and that kind of stuff.

Today's was about my stair work out with a friend and how I need to start running again because I don't like to be behind when working out with people hahaha, competitive? a bit i guess.

The other part was about how I noticed myself greeting the animals in prince's island park and in some cases smiling and nodding at them as if they were people. Most of them looked back at me and one goose I swear nodded back. I think he undestood. Prince's Island Park is so nice in the morning and there is so much wildlife.

WORK WORK WORK

2010-05-08T12:31:00.003-07:00

So I've been working alot lately, as you might guess from the title. I've also discovered that being a personal trainer is way more work than I ever expected - so as not to bore you, or mix personal life and business, I made another blog dedicated to stuff about personal training: PTblog1.blogspot.com. It's not editted yet or made to look nice yet, it may not even fly, I just need to get the idea that having one might be a good idea off my brain by acually making one. Most likely alot of the stuff from this blog will also appear there is it overlaps (such as this one).

In other news, I went to body worlds which was pretty sweet. It was a good refresher on anatomy and very interested. My BF came too and was pleasantly surprised to find that dead bodies are not as gross as one might imagine - in fact they're fascinating. Highly recommend going to that.

Head Filled with Fitness

2010-05-03T14:59:00.002-07:00

Nothing much interesting has happened in my life in the last little bit other than the new job. I suppose I am thankful for this. I started training my first client on Friday, so we've had two sessions so far. I'm not sure if things are too easy or too hard. The first session they were too easy I think... maybe today I made it too hard. We'll see.

Skull Pressure

2010-04-22T12:32:00.002-07:00

Update! I am now a personal trainer. I got the job and have started shadowing other trainers and learning the tricks of the trade. SO much to know! If you ever want to feel like your education is insufficient and that you really know nothing in the grand scheme of things, try working with the public and designing individualized programs that will help this or that ailment. Maybe you've had that experience before so you can relate. I've started even a bit earlier than I expected... to add to the overwhelming nature of learning a new job, I am doing this during final exams... and while I study for the Pt exam itself... and while I still have my other job. Whoa! I have never wanted to go into that weird labrinth thing at the university so badly just to walk in circle and do nothing. Even my new job has homework - look up exercises! write a bio for yourself! practice interviews on family! It's fun, but overwhelming. I feel like my brain is going to explode!

No Turning Back

2010-04-10T17:58:00.002-07:00

I did it. There's no turning back now. The send button was clicked.... the email was sent into cyberspace and the recipient will soon open it and read my beautifully written coverletter... and judge my resume. Something told me I could do it. Something let me know that I couldn't let the past interfere with my goals. I wanted to be a personal trainer. For days I was researching positions and contemplating how I might get to this point and suddenly an opportunity was handed to me - literally placed in my hand on a peice of paper with a lady's name and email and the words "looking for personal trainers". I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I worried about things but I know I can deal with any challenge that comes my way - even "that". My sign also told me that I need to focus on my goal and ignore any "distractions" or "inconveniences" that come along with it. I still have a knot in my stomache and I'm sure it will take awhile to dissipate but in the big picture I feel I am on the right track. Perhaps it was a test... I have to move forward and let go of past grievences.

Infiltration

2010-04-08T15:41:00.004-07:00

Here's the dilemma. I pretty much got offered a job (from a lady I worked with at my old job) to work at a gym as a PT. It's like a job just fell out of the sky! Crazy! But... there's a catch... It seems a bit ironic. This gym happens to be the same one that an ex-friend goes to. Imagine the awkwardness of working there and potentially running into her.... In some ways I feel that if I don't take this job because of that reason, I am throwing a way a gift - every rose has its thorn right? BUT I know that me living my life ... dipping my foot in the pond, simply being somehow associated with that person, could cause a wave in one form another... It's like I can't get away from it... it keeps coming back. It seems too much of a coincidence in life for this dilemma to take place. What should I do? If I don't take the job I'm letting the pettiness of the situation control my life - literally (job choices? really?) and if I do.... that's the mystery. At this point I'm leaning toward taking the job and not letting the fitness facility choices of people I'm on bad terms with deter me from a potentially great job experience... it's in the back of mind though - maybe I'm just worrying.

Peripherals.

2010-03-31T12:01:00.002-07:00

I had a heart to heart with a friend related to my previous blog. Both of us are in a similar situation, but our life goals put a different spin on it. She started by saying that she was happy to know that no matter what when she graduated she would have a job - even if it was just a personal trainer. I said I felt the exact opposite - how will I make money when the only jobs available are minimum wage? We determined this difference in perspective was do to my plan to move out and live independently... hopefully soon, while she was in no rush to give up the luxury of living at home. Then we started wondering what our careers will be. Did we study the right thing? What are we doing here now, only a few courses away from graduation...? I told her about how the pedorthist program was changed and now much less appealing, and how my family had questioned why (and if) I was even interested in that field. They seem "disappointed", like I haven't met their expectations, while my sister pursuing business is on a "true" path to success as a cunning business lady with a million options non of which come with a small pay cheque. We continued on about our perspectives on success, and being people of many interests, our confusion and consideration of other fields. She suggested I might like architecture and I confessed I had this idea before - and a bit of a dream to design buildings that promoted physical activity among cooperate people... it's an idea. It as good we had this discussion because I suppose I feel more free to consider other options and not force myself to pursue excellence in health care without further education (is that even possible?).

We also stepped back and looked at the big picture - that one where time isn't always running out - maybe enjoy the moment. Look back on the past and realize how far you've made it already because some people never get here. Lots of people forget the good things they've done and measure success by the number of failures they've had compared to a perfect zero - instead of the number of successes they've had. Then I had another conflicting thought about how spirituality might hinder success and make you strive less... and then I realize that that depends on your definition of success... am I caught in the money = success ideology? It's a tough world to live in when success is measured by how big your house is, how nice your car is, and if all your kids went to post secondary... what about being happy? Oh the confusion. What if I did decided to be a personal trainer for the rest of my life because I liked it? Would my family avoid telling their friends about the fate of their daughter? would they wonder where they went wrong? How come?

Anyways, on a separate note: I noticed that last night my fan was on. But I couldn't see it in the dark when i looked directly at it. I could only see it from my peripheral vision - probably because it was movement - changes in light and dark - and my periphery has more rods than cones to perceive that condition. the center of my retina has more cones - colour sensitive that require more light to work - which is why looking directly at the dark fan in the dark made it hard to see. A scientific explanation for something I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise...

What will I do?

2010-03-23T16:05:00.002-07:00

I had my eye on this program which I was considering for after I graduate. It sounded really good because it was a paid internship - but today I went on the website again and it's like it disappeared!! I can't find it at all - it's completely changed. Why would they tell me about this in January and then destroy the opportunity before I even graduate (the degree is necessary to do the program)? I can't even describe the anger in my throat right now... It's like all my time spent planning ahead and the stress that I put into decision making is totally useless... I feel like I'm just going to be a bum living in my parents house for the rest of my life... I feel completely hopeless. I need to make some kind of living in order to advance farther in life... but it seems like all the routes are blocked some how. Everyone around my keeps asking what I'm going to do... I HAD A PLAN! even a B and a C. and now after doing some job hunting it seems like all my plans are just falling apart.... there are no jobs for students, there are no jobs at all. What will they say now? Why do I care what they say? Maybe it's because I don't want to be the 30 year old daughter living at home who's boyfriend realized she was going to become nothing and left her.

2010-03-19T13:56:00.002-07:00

In your eyes are golden forest floors

where the sunlight peeks through the trees

and rests upon a soft moss bed and

passes through the ripples of a cool bubbling creek

The only sounds are nature's whispers

peace and harmony

I feel I've found a haven

protected by the shelter of the forest canopy

In your smile there is a clearing, cast with warm sun beams

flecked with wild flowers that pervade the aura of a dream

The refreshing breeze suggests adventure as it brushes at my back

This is where I'm suppose to be
because the woods are so dark and wild
without you next to me

Reticular Formation

2010-03-12T12:48:00.003-07:00

The title of this blog has very little to do with the actual blog. The reticular formation is thought to be the part of your brain that joins the mind and the body (connection between the brain and spinal cord), therefore it is of special interest for those studying the mind body relationships, such as myself... That's as far as I've gotten in my attempt at studying as today is friday - and not just any at that. Today is the day after thursday, the day before saturday, the day connecting the week to the weekend - yes, today is march 12th - the day after March 11th which happens to be my birthday. Yesterday I ate marble slab ice cream cake and it was good. Maybe it even deserves a section in the creation story - "and marble slab ice cream cake was invented and god said it was good. Then he added gummy bears and raspberries and that was good too." Yes, yesterday was also a very busy day aside from eating birthday cake. The day before yesterday was also a busy day and the day before that as well... it seems I haven't had much time to be social outside of specific obligations.
Even tonight busy. I will be at the auto show showing off the solar car. I have memorized a sheet of facts so I don't sound like an idiot when answering questions. This was necessary because my role on the solar car team had almost nothing to do with the car itself. In fact it's more related to the reticular formation than it is the solar car. But alas I am excited for this opportunity... in all a not so informative blog today, sorry. I must return to my studying of psychophysiology.

Your Heart - Brain

2010-02-04T17:36:00.004-07:00

I just attended an awesome seminar called "is your cranial brain the only brain in your body?" by Dr. Badri Rickhi. It was really interesting - all about the neural capacity of your other organs, with special focus on the heart, and how they may have a more prominent role in controlling your body than originally thought. General knowledge tells us that the brain is the control center but recent studies is medical science have revealed that the heart may also be a "control center", possibly with the ability to override the brain. Phenomenon that occurs in many post-heart transplant patients inspires studies investigating the heart's unique ability to store memories, especially emotional ones, and it's interaction with the brain... Sure it may sound far fetched, but intriguing evidence is being collected from EEGs, heart rhythm analysis (analyses micro changes in heart rhythm not shown on EEGs), and brain wave analysis that suggests that science has yet to discover all the mysteries of the human body. The human SYSTEM is much more complex than the parts we study it in, including the individual themselves a part of a much bigger system of people.
Much of the evidence alludes to the idea that eastern and ancient medicine can be backed up with science. Especially when one considers the enormous electromagnetic field of the heart and how it interacts with other people's. Some of the variable heart rhythms and brain wave studies have shown that your heart and brain may interact with those around you. A relatively healthy person can become sick from living with stressed or depressed individual (even when it is not obvious). These cases tend to be women being influenced by the emotions of their husband while they sleep. As well, two people in close proximity may experience a synchronization of their variable heart beat. Quite interesting... In many eastern medicine practices, energy is manipulated and in such practices as reiki, it is worth noting the uncanny resemblance of the energy pathways (alignment of chakras) to the magnetic field of the heart. I have also heard (from a different source) that specific points targeted in some Chinese therapies like acupuncture align nicely with the lymph system.
Another interesting thing this seminar touched on was the relationship between changes in heart rhythm and emotions. It is well known by most people that when you're stressed your heart races (and also becomes irregular) and when you are calm is beats slower and more steadily. A commonly taught technique to relax, calm the heart and nerves, and supposedly heal is progressive relaxation... however, while this technique is effective in relaxing muscles and calming the mind it does not cause significant enough changes to stimulate the healing effects of the parasympathetic nervous system (yes, the PNS is triggered but just to the relax point - not the heal point). What does trigger the heart to begin beating in nice synchronicity and result in enough changes to have a healing effect is the emotion of appreciation and love. When subjects were told to visualize being appreciative, giving thanks, or the feeling of love they generated more alpha brain waves and a steady heart rhythm (beautiful even wave on a graph) and reached healing levels. So isn't this what religion has been preaching all along? Now we have scientific evidence to justify it! Give thanks! Now go pray and be healthy. :-)

It's a girl thing... ?

2010-02-03T08:11:00.003-07:00

After an increase in dramatic events and many a rant to my current bf, his immediate feedback is "if she was a guy I'd tell her to fuck off and then we'd go out for drinks. Girls are so dramatic." Although a stereotype I do feel it carries some truth. All the way up until high school I mostly had male friends, and the female friends I had were in the same boat. Our biggest problem was having parties or gatherings that wouldn't end up being sausage fests - something apparently not desirable for hormone saturated high school boys. For the most part, the same is true today (except that the boys don't mind if girls are at the party or not). The only difference is that in my university years I've had a few new female pals... and every one of them could win some kind of Academy award. I've had to deal with "feelings" (some arising from speculation derived from trivial pieces of information and great imaginations), and topics I feel unworthy of serious talk (like the length of time between phone calls for example. wtf.). Obviously there could be other factors than just being female, but for the sake of simplicity I'll just say that none of these crazy things would have happened between male friends. The worst between-male drama I've heard of so far is one guy secretly losing trust in another after he was lied to... ok understandable. Even male drama usually has a female co-star. Basically this whole blog is just me trying to extrapolate reasons for my own issues that are not in my control. What can I say... it's a girl thing?

Luckily this stuff is old news that keeps getting recycled in my brain, like a game to see how many new derivatives I can make from it. Right now everything seems to be quite alright. Even my skin is beginning to clear up!! Yay! Here is the link to the Skin Science website: Click here. If you plan on checking it out tell her I referred you! :-P

Broke but beautiful

2010-01-27T22:27:00.002-07:00

Finally I made it to the skin specialist. Not a dermatologist as you might think (that appointment is still a few months away - damn waiting lists! I booked that in September). This is a place called skin science. The woman who owns it is a doctor herself who specializes in skin (so basically a dermatologist) except its a private practice - more like a clinic offering a service and selling products and with no waiting list!. She works in collaboration with the dermatologist I will eventually get to see. I went there two years ago when she was just starting up and got some counsel on proper makeup and moisturizer but it was damn expensive and not hugely amazing so I didn't go back. Low and behold after two years my skin is still shit and probably worse than ever (starting september because I was lucky to have two months of nice skin this year). Then my sister got me a gift certificate to Skin Science so I had no excuses not to give it another try. Glad I did. This time she was more established and had a computer imaging system to picture my skin - the wrinkles (none! hellz yeah), the texture, the bacteria, the UV damage (below average - yes!), and the inflammation. This was to investigate and pinpoint what might be contributing to my acne. Turns out almost everything! She recommended several products to add to my routine and blue-light treament to get rid of the bacteria (I am now suckered into paying for blue light treaments twice a week for six weeks - this better damn well work!). I have added a special toner and high end moisturizer to my routine as well as an antiimflamtory cream to wear at night. I feel good about this - it seems to be helping already! She also suggested I change my diet a bit to reduce the inflammation in my skin (the picture was actually quite scarey and now I am fully motivated to try and reduce inflamation). Goodbye sugary drinks ... my beloved ice tea.... for I am now on a low glycemic index diet (translation: healthy diet with lots of fiber, no processed foods, white breads, etc. and less sugary foods and drinks). I consider my lifestyle to be pretty healthy anyways so there are only very few things I can think of to change that will help combat this problem. I may also have to cut back on my beautiful chocolate milk - the light of my life... adios mi leche chocolate. I will miss you... but probably still drink you once for awhile as I my mom just recently bought a new jug...

Blog reflections.

2010-01-14T00:00:00.003-07:00

I read over my last blog again and I feel I did a pretty good job of getting out my rant... except at the end. I guess I was just caught up in a fleeting emotion and feared I would have to care about what's going on on "the other side" (ie. rumours, etc.). I guess it was a ligitimate concern in the moment but upon further reflection I decided it would be better if I just cared less. I'm actually feeling alot freer now, like I don't have to worry about that stuff, nor should I. Maybe losing friends is some kind of weird fear I have but I may have exagerated a bit by suggesting I would need to monitor it, haha. New plan: ignore any "odd" manipulations of facebook done by friends and continue to use the social network as I normally would. Treat friends with same respect and on real world terms (confront when necessary, otherwise consider realtionship to be untarnished by strange facebook behaviour... within reason). Maybe this is the key I was missing the whole time.

On another note - I've now made my lunch two days in a row! Yay! I'm finally doing what most people started doing in grade eight.... at 22. Oh New Years! How I love resolutions!

I have also attempted to liven up my blog by given it a creative title! yay! This may need work. opinions?

Facebook Wars.... misery loves company

2010-01-12T09:41:00.003-07:00

The year 2009 was definitely a time of change and transition for me. Some were bad and some were good. One of the bad ones was the slow death of a friendship... to some extent it seems like it was only staying alive via life support (a combination of my patience, my inability to come out and express my feelings, and my feeling of obligation to "be nice" despite many an angry time). Then the plug was pulled and it died only to ressurect as a brain eating zombie who's medium was/is facebook.
I'd like to believe I tried my best to burry the frienship and move on with my life, taking special consideration of mutual friends and trying not to put them in the middle, but there was this one tie that I didn't break - oh that good old technology facebook. A whole other world is in virtual land and if that's the only place the zombie can get me now, well then I have my own personal zombie land going on. At first I decided not to "delete" this contact, nor did i put her on limited profile, or any of the other usual things people do when they're pissed off at someone. I just let it be. My sister told me once that the thing that annoyed her the most about past friends is when they delete you but keep a bunch of people on their list who they never talk to and you know they aren't friends with...slap in the face! so I decided that in light of this and the fact that a close history with many a good time did once exist , I would avoid "expressing" myself via facebook wars. However, the other side did not have the same mentality...
I was immediately put on limited profile... Whatever. I noticed it. It wasn't that annoying as I rationalized what I believed was her perspective and why she would do that. It was like this for awhile. I knew however that she was watching my facebook because I posted a happy birthday to one of our mutual friends who is closer to her than me (I did not post happy birthday on her wall a month earlier and I heard through the grapevine that she was mad about this. I was just surprised she expected that from me after what happened...) Later that day, I decided to check if I was still on limited profile for some goshdarn reason, only to discover it was even more limited than before. To the point where all this person was to me on facebook was a profile picture - "this person only shares certain information with everyone" was all it said. I realized she was pissed off but she was always pissed off so I didn't feel particularly bad about it. Life continued for awhile longer.
Then I decided to have a new years party that was kind of last minute. Since her attending events still showed up in my news feed for some reason, I was already aware in november that her and a few other friends were going out for new years. Anyways, just before christmas I invited a bunch of people to my news years party, including two guys that came a few years ago for new years... within minutes one of my good friends accepted and on the news feed it said "{name} is attending last minute news years party". About twenty minutes later it showed a post from former friend to both those two guys I invited "you should come out with us for new years!!" (inviting them with her...). It was too conincidential, especially since we both know those two guys don't like clubbing, so I came to the conclusion that she must be monitoring what was going on and then trying to make people choose.... or at least those two guys... Once again, I felt a bit frustrated and annoyed but tried to let it go and brush it off as my own paranoia... New years came and went.
I wanted to see pictures of my friends who didn't spend new years at my house... is there anything so wrong with that? Only to find that at least two of them had put me on limited profile to their pictures... why? I know this is specific to me because mutual friends can see these pictures. What is going to happen from me seeing their fun? absolutely nothing besides me wasting time ... what did I do to them that made them have to hide their life from me? (other than being addicted to facebook...). I was a bit annoyed at this too...
In light of a new year, a time to past the past in the past and move forward, combined with this frustration, I decided that I would cut off the zombie from my life and hope that it would all fizzle out. I deleted former friend. I thought it would be over.
A couple days later I noticed that a few of our mutual friends had deleted me from their facebook... but not aquaintances that I had introduced them to? I guess my fears have been realized. The one thing that kept annoying me this whole time was my own fear that somehow zombie w0uld consume other people too... I kept telling myself - have faith that these people are mature and that they see you as what you are and not what someone tells them you are. That they rely on their own personal interaction with you to determine your character and not on someone elses... that they will realize that you haven't done anything wrong to them and that what goes on between you and one of their friends is only between you and that person... I kept holding on to this faith and the knowledge that if someone does decide otherwise that they are not a true friend anyways... The most annoying part of it is knowing that these people made their choice without ever asking me about my feelings or my side... without truly knowing me... which I guess is also an influence on why they did it.
I'm not devasted by the loss, as it shows me who are my true friends, I'm just annoyed that zombie is still trying to get me. Especially since, for some reason.... there are incongruencies... like my sister is on limited profile to one of my friend's page (probably so I can't see pictures through her) but I am only on partially limited. I speculate that this friend was asked to put me (and possibly my sister too) on limited but didn't want me to be mad so only limited certain things from me, but all from my sister (assuming she probably wouldn't notice anyway). Then close friends who were deleted by former friend at the same time as I was blocked (haha, I'm blocked... btw), and who are also on limited profile to same people who deleted me are not deleted by them even though they NEVER talk and are only aquaintances (mostly via fairmont vacation). It doesn't make sense.

You may be wondering how I noticed all this stuff. The answer is simple: Farmville. It's a very addictive game that allows me to spend more than an hour on facebook all in one sitting... you can also get stuff to level up from people posting things on their wall (it shows up in news feed) so reading news feed takes up part of that time. The problem now is that I need to reduce my overall time on facebook because of school. Usually its not that hard for me. Now I have a new concern though... and that is checking to make sure my friends don't start dropping like flies... then I will know that something is going on.... like a rumour has been made - probably as a result of the zombie. I just wish I could show and tell everyone that I have been doing nothing related to former friend to have any new rumours emerging. I've been keeping to myself, having lunches with my friends, and enjoying my life outside facebook (not including farmville).

2010 --> New Year, New Blogs...

2010-01-04T10:43:00.004-07:00

On New Years day my family had a nice dinner at Sorrintino's, a fancy italian restaurant. The topic of the movie Julie & Julia came up and my uncle mentioned he was interested in starting a blog, which is a pretty cool thought because he would actually have something to blog about. I remember watching that movie and feeling inspired to blog too but then I realized I don't have time to be a regular blogger so I'll just have to postpone the motivation until I'm out of school. When my sister and cousin saw the movie they were inspired to cook! We once had a thought that we would make a food blog together... that brings me to...
New years resolutions?

--> getting in shape - always a resolution... not really specific to january start. Last year had the same resolution and of course followed through, haha, but its easy for me because its already part of my lifestyle... therefore its less of a resolution now and more of a maintainance schedule...
--> eating healthy? Also seems to be an ongoing resolution. This year I have two main goals: no fast food - even at school - which means I'll have to attempt to make my own lunch everyday. The other goal is to do Lent. In February (whenever Lent starts) I'm goint to give up pop! NO POP! Not even when its the only drink in the house. Hello tap water :-P

--> Saving money - last year I made a resolution not to use my VISA card as much but I actually ended up using it more! New Years Resolution FAIL. This year I will not make that resoltion because I have too many things planned that involve the need to use my credit card (ie. trips, workout classes) So instead, this year I hope that NYR2 (no fast food) will help me save money... So far I'm off to a good start. Haven't had a single fast food in 4 days! The only fast food I am willing to buy if i have to (not counting tea from coffee places) is Lentil soup from Pita on the Run at school. On another note, I think I need to purchase more soup thermoses...

--> Journaling - or blogging, in whatever form journaling decides to take... I'm going to record my thoughts more. If there's one thing I've learned from doing so in the past, it's that it help you track and view your own development - mentally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically. And it helps reveal patterns that occur in your life and that may lead to future resolutions. Speaking of...
Wow! I just reviewed my posts from last january and man it must have sucked. So maybe I'll update a bit about "those" feelings. Sometime I still feel a bit of "miss" (maybe a fraction of a percent of what those blogs were describing), but I've moved on now and the reality is that NOW is much better than then. I still feel like on some level I've lost a kindrid spirit - like an energy connection. Maybe we'll meet again in some other life, when our physical realities better match our inside worlds (this probably sounds crazy). Now I've found another kindrid spirit and there is much more balance between inside and out. Neither area is perfect but if I was an engineer and I quantified the amount on either side, the sum of the parts would make a bigger whole than before. I guess the only thing to do is pray that all friends and lovers past will find happiness in their own lives.

Anyways, an exciting few days are coming up! Reiki tomorrow, massage wednesday, and fairmont thursday!

OMG. I'm a feminist.

2009-12-17T13:32:00.005-07:00

Coming to this realization was an interesting process. I was reading a textbook called "sports in society" for a class at school. On a side note, sociology is quite interesting (I think I expressed this is an earlier blog which I actually ended up referring back to when writing a paper on functionalist, conflict, and interpretivist theories). Anyways, this particular point expressed in the textbook was something I felt very strongly about and have had first hand experience dealing with people's attitudes regarding. It is about gender stereotypes in sport. Maybe this extends a bit farther even - gender roles and "inequalities" in other areas of life - after all it all connects together, kind of a universal topic.
I recall my sister telling me the story of one of her co workers who couldn't decide what extra curricular activity to enroll her daughter in. She expressed that she didn't want to put her daughter in a sport like soccer and my sister asked her why. The lady said she didn't want her daughter to become a lesbien and turn out butch. My sister was shocked and replied "I play soccer. I think it's a great activity". If you don't already know, my sister is a very pretty girl. She is the farthest away from butch you can possibly get. She enjoys dressing up and primping herself and in most cases ends up looking like some kind of runway model when she leaves the house, expecially when she's going to work (she is known at the office as the girl with all the shoes - 4 inch christian loboutins being her staple item). The lady was shocked and embarrassed, "you play soccer? You're not a tom boy at all!". I also play soccer so you could imagine my surprise when my sister told me this story. Do people still think like this? What time period is this woman from? Apprently alot of people still think like this and it is evident in the messages expressed in the media, especially around sports.
Feminists point out that sports are an area of compulsory heterosexuality. Participation in many sports is influenced by the maculinity or feminity of that sport (eg. football and figure skating being on opposite end of the scale). Particiption in sport is often effected by stigmas that go along with them. For example, if a man participates in figure skating or ballet there's a pretty good chance people will label him as gay, therefore it is unlikely that a boy who is brought up by a traditional family will participate in dance, and would probably go into hockey instead of figure skating - possibly due to encouragement and maybe to avoid the social consequences of choosing the latter. I'm getting a bit off topic. Media surrounding sports makes it hard for people to appreciate the value of participation in sport (especially for women) by indirectly supporting stereotypes. Female hockey player's have their identities kept very secret except for anything that shows they are "real" women. Facts like their martital status and having children are important for the public to know (Men in sports who are not heterosexual are often closeted until their career is over for fear of the repercusions of being outed). Majority of accomplished female athletes are not known about (compared to men) and when they are, they appear in ads wearing "appropriate" feminine attire - a result of combining business and social ideologies. This brings me to my out of sport beef with our culture as we know it.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Women are subjected to mixed messages in the media. Strength and confidence is valued but so is thin. Too much muscle is masculine. You must be strong but don't look that way (in some places this changing). Sport and exercise is promoted as a means to get strong and healthy but cultural messages are telling women they shouldn't have muscle. What's a girl to do? In some cases these messages are so conflicting they hinder the participation in fitness that is good for feeling good and getting healthy.
My text book mentioned that some women do not go to the gym because they feel like they aren't thin enough yet and won't look good when they go to work out. I have personally heard this said. My own ears have actually heard this excuse for not working out!!! EARTH TO MATILDA!! Hypothetically: Without considering the impact of social ideology on these women's self esteems, and let's just say that the only reason to work out is to look good, isn't this the exact opposite way to accomplish the goal of losing weight? If exercising is how one is to lose weight, then not exercising because one feels self conscious about one's weight will most certainly not solve the problem. In real life, these women are missing opportunities not only to improve their self esteem but also to change their lifestyle and improve their health. This is because of all these mixed messages.
I have decided that I want to make some sort of group or effort to change the way big business and media dictate participation in sports and fitness, especially for women. It will be hard and almost impossible, but a movement needs to start somewhere. People should be free to be who they are and sports should not be used a way to impose a personhood on someone. It's okay to be a butch soccer player or a pretty in pink one as long as you're happy. And going to the gym shouldn't be a decision based on how you look now, maybe not even how you will look after, but how you feel and how it will impact your lifestyle. And no decision regarding sports participation should be made according to your sexuality or someone elses.

Note: In women's beachvolley ball, there is a rule that an athlete can not participate if her bikini bottom has THICKER than 7cm sides. Obviously this has nothing to do with performance and more to do with entertainment - of men.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Manifest

2009-11-22T19:48:00.003-07:00

I heard on a discovery channel show about 2012 that they used a computer to analyse all the data on the internet and come up with predictions based on the "subconscious" of all the people using the ineternet. If you have read about any philosophies that say everyone is connected, that you can manifest your own destiny then you would understand the logic behind the idea that a computer analysis of the internet could predict the future. There is also a popular notion out there called "positive thinking" (you've probably heard of it :-P...) that says that if you think positively and give positive energy to the universe good things will happen to you. This might be compared to the idea of karma, where the opposite is true as well. Even Justin Timberlake made a song about it (what goes around comes around... whatever happened to him anyways?). If this is all true I'm going to add some of my own thoughts into the universe via the internet. Right here I will manifest some destiny in ten lol:
1. I will become rich and possibly famous (thus leading to more riches) (next 3 - 5 years)
2. I will have my own house with a nice kitchen where I will cook wonderful meals for my perfect loving husband and our wonderful, over achieving children who are also cool. (10 - 15 years)
3. My family and friends will be happy and healthy and enjoy long, prosperous lives. (present til forever)
4. We will all survive 2012.
. Zombies will never happen. (now til forever)
6. The human race will make a dramatic change and start caring for the earth and all the animals in it. Meat places will adhere to a very strict code of humane treatment of animals and all livestock and other animals will be happy and healthy regadless of where they live. (january 23, 2011)
7. My acne will disappear forever and my skin will be beautiful and healthy - hopefully in the next month or sooner!!!
8. My sister will become a very successful business woman and have a harmonious family life too. (7 - 10 years from now)
9. My friends will find life partner's who treat them with respect, support them, and make them happy while still allowing them their freedom and independence. (from now until forever, next 2 years most likely)
10. Dexter will be on at a more reasonable hour. (January 2010 or whenever the next season starts)

Most of these theories suggest you should alo include a time line so beside each statement I have put in brackets when this should happen.

Lie to me.

2009-11-02T09:24:00.003-07:00

If there's one thing I've found in the most recent events of my life, it's that being lied to is one of the most emotionally painful experiences - even if it's not a big lie. I don't think I ever really knew what the term "to alient" meant until this weekend. On saturday night after an amazing fun time at the flames game, we were going to go out to party when half our group left due to drunkeness. We ended up going to the home of two of them and playing rock band which was pretty fun, although not what was expected to happen that night. The other member of the party apparently went home feeling sick but chose to do so on his own (we offered a ride but it was refused). I called several times and texted to ensure this person had made it back to his home safely, as I was feeling guilty for allowing him to leave when he was apparently so intoxicated. The next day I saw pictures of him on facebook (damn you facebook) at a party that occurred saturday night. He had faked being sick and drunk to go to a party only because a former friend of mine was there - he was too scared to say that's where he was going. My heart sank when I saw this. I don't care who he hangs out with or when, but I do care that he is too scared to be honest and simply say "I've been invited to a party after the game and I'll be leaving to go there". The worst part is that while he was telling us his plan to get home I suspected he was lying. I said later that I didn't think he was going home and that he wasn't that drunk... then again, I thought I could be wrong and since I called him later to check up on him and he answered that he was home safely, I figured maybe I was wrong and he really was feeling sick. I just feel so annoyed. Why make people waste energy worrying about you if it's just a big lie? And for what? What am I going to do if he tells the truth - I know what I'd do, probably nothing. "Have fun" I'd say.
I feel like my "sincere" and genuwine friend is turning into a jerk... I feel like he's just feeling obligated to be my friend and doesn't actually want to be. I feel like he's being controlled by "a force" that wants me to be unhappy. Why is it so important to hide these things? Another friend of mine was at that party too - but at least he didn't lie to me.... I'm not mad about that.
I just want to live my life in peace - have my own experiences and relationships with my friends, unaffected by their friendships with other people. I'm going to confront him today and simply say that I feel hurt that he lied to me. I will also assure him that his business is not my concern and that I won't be upset or angry if he tells me the truth - it's his life and he can do what he wants - however I have a right in this friendship to honesty.

When will end? I wonder. I don't think he realizes the affect of his actions. The situation is sensitive, where people are understandably conflicted. I realize there are tensions occurring. I also feel that people need to have faith in their friends. I had faith that I could maintain my friendships with people despite tensions I might have with their friends. I know I control my own actions and I know that faced with an awkward situation I can react in a mature and controlled manner. I feel like my friends don't have this confidence in me and I don't know why. I haven't done anything in the past I can think of that would make me seem unreliable in this regard. It pains me to think that I have placed faith in this person, in him being a mature person who remains nuetral, realizing that my frienship with him has nothing to do with his other frienships. I feel like that trust was broken on saturday night. Now I fear I'm being alienated... like my friends are being pulled away from me and I will be alone eventually. And for what? I've tried to be understanding to their needs and freedoms but it just never seems to get through. I was holding on to this faith that they care about me and wouldn't abandon me... and now I feel like its just all falling apart.

If you're reading this and you're my friend, I want you to know this. That I will support you in any decision you make (unless its murder or drugs... or other unlawful or dangerous behavior haha). Your life is in your control. Your experience is your own and different than mine and I respect that. Do not feel scared to be honest with me, or to do what you want (more specifically to rekindle frienships) because if that is what makes you happy then that is what I want for you. I recognize that people have their differences (differences in partying habits, goals, methods of reaching those goals...) but I won't allow things like that to destroy a good frienship. I rather my friends have the freedom (feel free not guilty) to do what they like if it makes them feel good cause a happy free friend is better than a dishonest, resentful one.

Second Mother's Day

2009-10-15T10:38:00.002-07:00

There should be two mother's days in the year... at least!
I just want to thank my mom because she is so great. She's always there to listen when I experience some kind of emotional turmoil, then she makes me feel better and puts things into perspective. Some how she just has all this wisdom. And if that wasn't enough she's an excellent cook and on thanksgiving this year, made a huge amazing feast!! There was an awesome pumpkin cake (and pumpkin pies) to finish off with too. Wow. I just feel so amazed about my mom right now. THANK YOU!!!!

Conflict Thoery

2009-10-07T14:48:00.003-07:00

I just finished writing a midterm for a sociology class (Social Cultural Perspective in Sport). Sociology is extremely interesting and opens the mind to look at the world from various angles. I did sociology as a first year option and was equally excited by many of the theories and ideas (except for the pedagogy part which was very dry) as I am in this kinesiology focused version of the subject. I'll just dive right in now... calgary is a very functionalist society (I guess this is very similar to saying conservative as it was once known - we like the status quo). The culture here promotes competition and meritocracy. Most of the time we like the way things are and believe that that's how they should be so that society can run "efficiently". Perhaps consequencial differences like ability, intelligence, education, and economic status are maintained here in the name of the economy. Rewarding those who have higher education (such as engineers) with high salaries in oil companies is an example. As a kid I was taught that this was a good thing because those who worked harder should get more rewards and this would encourage healthy competition, motivation and drive, and keep the economy stable or growing. If work was not rewarded according to its value and ability required, those who "slacked off" would be encouraged to do so, and those who worked hard would have a lack of motivation after noticing they would get the same reward regardless of effort. Then the economy would fail, affecting other aspects of society and ultimately everyone's quality fo life. Yes, this is a very functionalist idea. And yes it seems like a bad thing when considered from the perspective of disadvantaged people, but society has been built around these ideals and has provided those who comply with it a decent to above average quality of life. Like any label, there are pros and cons. This is just a little bit of background to segway (haha segway...) into my conflict theory argument/rant. I have a bone to pick with the university. It's about my field of study and how it is burdened (in my opinion) by functionalist ideals when it comes to elite athletes. My interest in kinesiology partially stems from a motivation to "help" people, or rather, contribute to society in a positive way that I also find ejoyable. As I'm sure everyone has already heard, there is an obesity epidemic in north america... the risk of many chronic diseases and ailments is increased or caused by obesity and many many deaths can be attributed to lifestyles that promote these diseases, including obesity. It is my job as a person trained in practitioning healthy lifestyle choices (such as exercise and nutrition) to go out in the world and take action with the hopeful consequence of preventing/reducing chronic disease, changing the distribution of healthcare funds and ultimately improving people's quality of life (big goals!). BUT .... How can I do this if the university has this annoying tendency to focus on elite athlete performance? Yes, elite athletes are important for studying biomechanics, or performance psychology, and yes they are important for funding, government/country recognition (consider olympics), but they are lab rats. That's not supposed to be an insult... I mean, they are not gernalizable to the majority, to the public. The are a limited population who are more than likely already biased in some way (which is why they had the motivation, the athletic ability, maybe the money and time to become elite). They provide very little insight about the general public - most people don't have the time, money, or motivation not only to become elite at a sport, but in most cases even to engage in enough activity to meet canada's recommended amount for good health. From a conflic theory perspective, I would argue that the functionlist attitude of meritocracy has ignored the underdogs and dedicated too much time and money to the "elite". Maybe this is attitude contributes to health issues in society. Maybe people do not exercise enough because they don't see it as applicable to their life. Elite athlete's lives revolve around training, and goal setting, and finding ways to improve. This knowledge and could be utilized by the general public to employ life improvement strategies that are fed to elite athlete on silver spoons. Why not invest the time and resources into the greater population and equally benefit society?? Why are strategies to improve elite performance crammed into our brains yet there are few ooportunities to apply this knowledge. Majority of the students will be working with the general public anyways... why not focus on strategies to help the everyday person?
A small aside about my practicum and how it relates to my discussion above. Unfortunately I can't give out too many details but I can say that although the majority of the technology and programs available or underdevelopment are geared toward... guess who!! the elite athletes, I was inspired to think of ways that it can be modifyed and used by "real" people. I can't believe how much I learned already about technology and how it can be applied to the world of sport... or in my case instructors...
If you haven't already figured it out (or know already), conflict theory suggests that inequalities in society should be adressed and changed for the betterment of society. They are the antagonists to functionalists (who don't want change, and believe things are as they should be even if it promotes inequalities). While I might be a functionalist when it comes to the workplace (jobs and careers) I am a conflictionist when it comes to health and opportunities.

Random thought (as though this wasn't long enough): today I watched a presentation on some nutrition research currently being done with obesity in rats. I find it hard to come up with good questions for researchers and all I could think of while I looked at the picture of the really fat rat was "wouldn't it be funny to see him dancing... should i ask if that rat likes to dance?" I wonder what kind of weird look I would've received if I asked that as though it was a very serious question.... *insert laughing to myself here...*

Another Letter.

2009-10-04T13:15:00.005-07:00

I will begin by summing up in one word: ANGRY.

There is nothing left to salvage. The foundations of this friendship have been completely destroyed. I feel my trust has been shattered. The most recent events have allowed me to step back and think and this is what I found. Maybe one thing I can thank you for is taking the lid off the bottle and allowing me to escape. So many things I was angry about and kept bottled inside. I never had the courage to speak up. I felt that you would not understand and would take offence, making it my fault - speaking up would only escalate the situation.
I walked on glass, afraid to make one wrong move. I was afraid to live my life freely because anything I did would have some effect on you and would almost always come with a punishment.

So many times I felt like I only had your conditional support. Everytime I started a new relationship I was never met with support or understanding, but instead critical comments and guilt trips. I recall a time when you said to me "I hope your relationship fails". This was one of the first times I realized that you were not a true friend because a person who cared about me would never wish for me to be hurt. There were several incidents in the past few years where you accused me of ditching you before anything had even occurred (and I had no intention of doing so), or canceled events to prevent me from coming because I invited my boyfriend. You accused me of not spending enough time with my friends when I had seen you at least once a week and sometimes more on purpose just so that you wouldn't feel that way. I felt like you did not appreciate the amount of time and energy I spent balancing my time with you with the rest of life. It was like nothing I did was ever enough because there was always a lecture or a stabbing comment coming my way. Many times I felt like I was being tested and if I didn't call you within a exceptable time frame only known to you it indicated a failure of my frienship. There have been times you surprise attacked me when I didn't even know you were angry. You say you don't like being fake but you pretend not to be angry or that you are okay with things and then suddenly explode and wonder why no one knew. You have no idea the amount of stress the uncertaintly of conflict has caused me. Never knowing if what I do is going to start a drama, even if it is not related to you at all.
In the beggining your dramas were confined to your home life and other friends. Later on they began to be directed at me, and worse at my friends or our mutual friends. I realized this past spring that I can not tell you anything. I confided in you several times only to have my words and quotes, immediately twisted and used as fuel to hurt my friends. I decided that I would never confide in you again because you could not be trusted to keep what I said confidential or respect me enough to realize your "spazzes" would affect my relationships with my other friends and their trust in me. I've never had to apologize so much in my life for things I said in confidence to you. My new perspective on you as being untrustworthy was further enforced when you began forwarding Dan's text messages to me, proving that you were direspectful not just to me but to others as well. I am also angry about the comments you made about my friend Herish and what you told the boys about them which I believe was very ignorant.
Most recently, aside from embarrassing me in public, you attempted to shun me from our friends and accused me of inviting myself along because of what I can only imagine is due to my affiliation with Dan, and my refusal to obey your wishes that I not be with him. My feelings were completely disregarded - you gave me an ultimatum, either you or him. f you are that selfish and uncaring about how I feel than the choice is much easier. You were unwilling to put aside your differences with people you didn't get along with in many instances of our friendship but this situation was probably the most imparitive.
At the theater you asked if I valued our friendship but after contemplating all that I have just written down (and more) it seems that sadly the answer is clear. No, I do not value lack of trust, lack of support, lack of communication and selfishness. There are many more specific incidents I could bring up, many very redundant, but the emotions I have about them are already summed up in this letter. In conclusion, I believe this friendship is over.

I hope that my words have had an impact on your feelings about this situation. I know this situation has provided me with a new outlook on what is important in a frienship and who my true friends really are. I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,
T

NAWWWT jokes.

2009-09-16T09:34:00.002-07:00

So the past few weeks I felt like God was pulling a few Not-jokes on me. First I was signed up for a personal training course only to get a call a week prior saying that it was cancelled. I was so pumped and then so disappointed. Those courses are very difficult to find at a convenient time (that doesn't interfere with school). So that dream was swiftly crushed... at least within the time frame I hoped for. Then, I applied to a practicum at school. I got all beautified and went to meet this lady who ran a program called TrymGym. If I couldn't get my AFLCA certificate then why not get practical experience and credit for school? Well, she was a weirdo. Didn't ask me a single interview question. Basically just told me that she didn't think it was good for me to do in the fall because she only had one session available a week for a student and they prefer you to do two (only without actually saying any of this directly, and more implying it through stories about the program). Plus I'd have to rearrange my work schedule in order to get that one shift. The end of the interview was pure awkward when she sat in silence. I kept wondering if this was the end... she was so unclear and unprofessional. Then I simply said "ok, well how about i contact you tomorrow morning and let you know if I can change my schedule" in an attempt to close the conversation (she obviously wanted to but was awkwards and didn't know how to). She says "ok." and then sits there silently again. WTF So then I said nice to meet you and left her office. She didn't even get out of her chair. What. the. heck. I felt so defeated. I was also pissed because she could've saved herself half an hour and me two hours or more of getting ready by simply saying "I'm sorry we are all full accept one spot on monday evenings, however that won't meet your required hours criteria so I suggest you try again in winter". The deadline was the next day. Hey you're gonna geta practicum placement todau - NNNAAWWWT! But then the next day in a desperate attempt to find a placement I went to the placement coordinator and met this technologies guy who i will work with thsi semester - finally something goes right. Also my phone broke, so i might get a new one (this breaks even I guess). A girl in my class told me after i went to the awkward interview, "that just means something better is coming". Some people have a way of making things seems better. Maybe destiny is at work.

Cruising

2009-09-03T21:40:00.014-07:00

What can I say? Not much to update. Life's been good. I went to Jasper and it was beautiful! I can't believe all the hidden gems alberta has to offer (and you thought it was just big prairie land full of rednecks, oil, and Banff). I saw two really sweet waterfalls. They must be the kind that fake ones are modelled after because they were awe striking when seen in real life. God truley is a great designer. He even made real mountains that look like those fake ones at the Calgary Zoo in dinosaur land - or maybe those were designed after those mountains? I need to go to drumheller and investigate. Anyways, these moutains were like drumheller on top except in Jasper. I also saw a black bear when driving in the campground.

I particularly enjoyed my company because he had the same explorative style as me - we love exploring! and it's hard to find someone who will read all the information plaques at tourist attractions, haha. We stopped at the columbia ice fields and took a gander at the glacier. They had signs that indicated where the glacier had been at different years (it's been receding). In the early years (from 1890 to about 1950) it receeded fairly slowly... maybe 25 meters every twenty years. I'm guessing increases in human activity (since industrialization really took off) have increased the rate of the glacier melting. After 1950 around there were longer distances between the signs. From 1992 until today there is about 80 - 100 meters... It's a bit scarey. How much will be left for my children to see? What changes does the future hold for such environemtally dependent attractions and wonders?

I'm excited for school to start again! I checked out the new

mall at cross iron mills today and bought a few new things. IMPORTANT TIP: If you haven't noticed yet, all the La Senzas in Calgary suck balls lately. They only sell super fugly bright coloured cotton bras with seams all over or weird letters... not my style anyways... ALL THE GOOD STUFF WAS SENT TO BALZAC!! The La Senza there is amazing and I was able to find a nice normal, microfiber nude bra. It was awesome. That was the highlight of the shopping experience. I thought Miss Sixty would be it but after seeing the amazing two level one in Vegas it's pretty hard to impress me now haha. Yay for a return to dressing decent after my bummish summer!

Liberation & Little Coincidences

2009-08-25T22:22:00.002-07:00

An update on my life. A good one finally. Let's just say... in regards to my last blog, "friendships" have been revised (at least for now) and life has been drama free since the "amputation". Had a good weekend with mature people who know how to have fun and not at the expense of other's. It's about time.

One of these night's I had a dream that I was a hair stylist trying to convince a client that they should get frosted tips on their newly cut short blond hair. When I awoke I could not remember the face of the person, only that it was someone I currently know. I had written down what hair they should get on a small piece of cardboard. Somewhere else in my dream (might have even been one of those weird falling asleep thoughts) I was confused because I could not remember for the life of me what a parsnip was. I had visions of every fruit and vegetable I could imagine but could never bring up the picture of a parsnip. Nope...not this, this is blueberries, this is plums, this is celery root... and so on.
Today at work some small coincidences occurred. One of the first orders of the day was a parsnip. We haven't had them in stock for awhile. I knew what it was immedietly and recalled my dream briefly - this is a parsnip. Later on a coworker who recently cut his long hair came to work. It was plain before, today it was trimmed with frosted tips (he has blond hair too). I mentioned it to him and he asked why don't I dream up him winning the lottery. If all my dreams came true this would be a really messed up world! (insert laughing here).

In other news, I am now on disc 3 of season 2 of Dexter. The preimer of season 4 starts september 27. This is my new favourite Tv show even though I've never actually watched it as such. Just on DVDs.

Pain in my Neck.

2009-08-04T23:40:00.004-07:00

New poem called Gangrene:
You're like an infection
a festering wound of the flesh
you're never happy unless pestering
keeping the pus flowing fresh

Ignoring the problem just spreads it
until it's under every inch of my skin
til the pain is so thick i can't feel it
it grows green and sickening

No medicine can heal the affliction
Retort is an oil on the burn
No use to tolerate your infliction
I've learned that this just reoccurrs.

the only solution is to amputate
to cut off the limb that is lame
For us it seems to be too late
to salvage the dying remains

the germ that you spawned is growing
rapidly forging its fate
its host it is slowly destroying
but no more will you irritate

I will go numb before I go insane
peeling the dead layers away
scraping away the worms of your bane
meanwhile you will be left to decay

This poem was inspired by the fucking stupid drama that a certain person continuously puts in my life. The thread of my patience is worn very thin. I am beggining to reconsider sticking with it because I just can't take this grade two shit anymore. It seems like even when I'm doing my part to steer clear of stupidness somehow "someone" always has to try and make my life miserable (but indirectly of course, because it would be just to easy to directly anger me... let's make me the middle man instead and disect my life into pieces so I can never have a harmonious relationship with anyone). There's only so much I can stand before someone gets "amputated". From previous incidents I have already determined that the foundation of trust has been completely shattered... I can only walk on this glass for so long before it slices me, and when I get hurt there is hell to pay. Good friends DO NOT act like this. Good friends campaigne for you happiness, they don't attempt to undermine it.

hahaha. sorry that paragraph was abit overdramatic.. . you're right, I'm not sorry! I needed to vent my true feelings!!

Who woulda thunk it?

2009-07-23T22:21:00.002-07:00

Sooo.... this is kind of a continuation of the last blog I guess - an update shall we say?

I went out for dinner with my friend. It was awesome. It felt like I found my soul mate. It's almost scarey... is this even possible? The next line will reassure you of this fact for sure (lol):

He brought me flowers!!! OMG *insert girly moment of insane giggling and shortness of breath here* I haven't gotten flowers since high school... and definitely not on the first date! wow. talk about romantic. hahaha as for the juicey details... i think i'll leave some mystery and you can find that out later. ;-)

Whoa WHOA Whoa. And Giddyup!

2009-07-07T20:17:00.002-07:00

SO some weird stuff has happened... I dipped my toe into the sea of online dating and got a profile on plenty of fish.com. As I expected... a lot of uninteresting messages came and nothing truly amazing happened. I did see this one guy but I have a feeling I've been indirectly rejected as it would seem I can now fully relate to that movie "he's just not that into you". BUT like the movie suggests, hopes don't die easily and because my rejection was little more than a failure to return messages within a certain "reasonable" amount of days I can still feel some crushlike feeling clinging there for dear life... He also called me "bud" in a facebook chat which struck me slightly odd, like maybe it was an attempt to hint that the possibility of more than "buds" is not there. I don't know... Or maybe I do but don't want to admit. I'm thinking of waiting a bit longer and then just straight up asking "hey, have I been indirectly rejected? just wondering..." I don't like being in the dark.
As one door closes, another door opens. Or should I say one door slightly closes and another seems to be unlocked... dilemmas dilemnas. So another guy fully just admitted he has a crush one me. Problem is he's a friend. And not just a normal type friend because that would make things much simpler. Instead, he a friend that is part of "the group" so there's that issue with "group dynamic" and more than likely future drama. I'm trying to remain calm and just "go with the flow" or in the words of Rhianna "live your life hey eeeeheeheh!" What can you do eh? We could ingore it or we could not ignore it. I don't know. You've probably figured out by now that I'm not an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just plain confusing. I'm thinking I should live my life (like the song), check out every possibility and take a really long time to come to decisions, unless immediate action is warranted - that rarely occurs.

Personal Goals to Improve Interpersonal Relationships

2009-06-21T11:44:00.003-07:00

Well, a lot of stupid drama has occurred lately as I have explained in earlier blogs (sort of). In light of this situation I've come to a common sensicle conclusion allowing me to set a few personal goals that will hopefully make my life easier in the future. They are mainly obvious, and mostly meant to redirect me back to a path that I somehow wondered off of so I can live my life according to my true values, and not according to momentary reactions or feelings. It will be difficult but I am sincerely prepared to alter my interractions for what i believe will be a better outcome. Along with every goal are a few process goals. I will state them here in order to have a written record not easily lost in the muddle of thoughts that is my brain.

1. Never speak about friends in a negative way behind their back regardless of the intensity of emotion that I feel in the moment. I will begin by changing "rants" into praises and simply saying "I don't want to talk about it" when someone insists on gossiping, or by annoying the gossiper with praise about the person they are cutting down. ha
2. Find a third party confidante who is trustworthy. Even if I have to go to councellor or something I will not use any person who doesn't want that position, or who has proven in some way that they are untrustworth with my feelings. This may mean a reevaluation of close frienships. I realize this goal slightly conflicts with the first, however, being realistic, I also realize that it is unhealthy to bottle emotions and sometimes having a social support network is necessary. It would probably not hurt to have someone to ask advice of or to help me sort out emotions about particularly stressful incidents.
3. The truth will set you free (or "honesty is always the best policy except for when its not" haha). I had this goal awhile back. I consider myself a pretty honest person already so the problem is not really so much with honesty as it is with expressing feelings. If someone pisses me off I will confront them in a mature manner (face to face) and tell them my feelings (without being accusative or anything just, "I am feeling angry because this happened"). Then I will enagge in active listening. I will also use my newly learned stress coping skills to calm my mind and body, and problem solve with clear thoughts. I think I've been doing better at this one than I used to, but part of good goal setting is reevaluation and review. My main goal thou is to avoid getting tangled in a mess ro making things worse which brings me back to goal 1.

off on a tangent: Is drama the most appropraite label for conflicts and interpersonal difficulties? Or does it make things worse by suggesting it is somehow a created thing for the purpose of entertainment, giving those involved "permission" to carry it on and make it bigger? Subjectively the use of the label drama might imply that problems are made better or made more entertaining the bigger they are, paralleling the use of drama in the arts and entertainment industries. The more shocking the drama, the more tragic the outcome, or the bigger the rollercoaster the more popular the story. Maybe we subjectively desensitize ourselves, and minimize the REAL effect of conflict on people's mental and physical well being by labelling normal occurances in our lives as drama. Maybe by labelling it in purely factual terms (conflict, difficulty, problem) the situation would be interpreted more realistically and be taken more seriously, instead of exagerated or catastrophized.

Type A?

2009-05-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm in school for the spring semester. I heard it was hard. I also heard it was easy. So I took my chances and gambled on medium. But I have since discovered that it is actually pretty hard - not "hard" but alot of work. I'm behind already and at this pace it will take me a full 48 hours or reading and studying to catch up. We have a midterm on thursday - ALREADY! I missed the first day of school due to a Vegas trip so for me, there has only been 3 classes and now I'm being tested. OMG. On my days out of school I am working. In the evening playing soccer and attempting to take time out for social activities that seem to pile up this time of year. On Sunday was my only "true" day off. I had nothing planned except to read a chapter of my book which I accomplished while enjoying the beautiful sunshine. At the end of Sunday I was exhausted! I couldn't figure out why I was so tired since I hadn't done anything all day. Then my mom suggested it was due to an entire weeks worth of business without rest. Maybe she was right. But it won't slow down anytime soon - I'll just have to maximize my time management and efficiency and hope I don't have some kind of mental break down. Just looking forward to the summer!

Friendship Woes

2009-05-21T16:32:00.002-07:00

Man. I wish my friends could see how their drama between eachother effects my life. I feel like they don't even consider my feelings... I'm always stuck in the middle, trying to maintain a level head... I don't want to have to worry about the akwardness of hanging out with two people who have decided they don't like eachother due to plans made before this happened. It's not fair to me. I wish they would have just been honest in the first place so I could've made different decisions. It's not my job to mediate a fight that isnt mine. It's not my fight and I don't want anything to do with it. I just want people to put aside their differences for at least one night as a favor to me OR to decide themselves whether or not they want to back out. I shouldn't be put in a position of "taking sides" or being asked without words to "uninvite" people. It makes me feel like people don't appreciate my gesture of inviting them (which makes it slightly easier to take sides if this is only coming from one end) and would rather force their problems on me. Solve your own issues. This is not my problem. As far as I'm concerned everything is fine and dandy and things will go along as planned - but as reality suggests otherwise - please take a step up and either make my denile truth or change the plans on your own.

why the F*** did I do that?

2009-05-10T19:37:00.002-07:00

They say the full moon makes people do weird stuff... perhaps I've fallen victim to its effects... or maybe once you "lose innocence" you can't go very long without your body taking over your mind (or something to that effect) and exepriencing the forbidden fruit over and over again. It's sounds more romantic that way. It wasn't. It included zero romance. It was solely for the pleasure of the body and to feed the curiousity that was nothing more than exactly what was expected... not disapointing, just not new. Not... special? In the hours since I've discovered something my heart already knew. My mind just needed evidence to believe it because that's what happens when you're conditioned by science. It was like I made a decision and immediately after another decision (although less crucial) that directly contrasted the first. This proved to me that the later decision was more fulfilling. And so in one way, while I sit here "regretting" doing "that" I also sit here with a new (or maybe renewed) perspective, thinking about how much more satisfying it is to "share life" (through deep converstation, laughter, and experience) than to feed the desires of the body. But I can't undo what has been done, so I must move forward and live and hold on to this new clarity I've found and hope for the best. On another note, my other confusions continue... why do ex's always have to say and do things that make me feel confused again? I guess that's another story.

My side

2009-04-06T19:41:00.001-07:00

I’m looking at my reflection
the background doesn’t match
realizing there is another side
Ripples drift across the image
What direction am I looking from?
I see my eyes, your eyes staring at me
Our hands are mirror images
They raise to face each other
But when they touch clarity is lost
All I see now is sky and trees floating
I reach through and close my hand
It is filled with nothing but earth
I can see you but I can’t feel you

I'm still debating the title and the ending lines... any suggestions?

BI-Polar Life

2009-03-30T09:10:00.002-07:00

Time for an update! Too soon you thought? Me too. BUT apparently, the last phone call was not really the last one. My sunday was totally random and ended in the weirdest way ever. It started out like usually - belly dance class. Then we went to play basketball with a coworker but didn't end up playing basketball because no one wanted to play with us on the court (slightly disapointing), so instead we drove around the NE looking for a papusa place that ended up being closed when we got there. So we ate at China Rose buffet. Then we went to some billiards place and played pool and did tequila shots (only 2 though) and also drank a shirley temple. My sister and I returned home to meet with her boyfriend who was straving because he waited all day for her and she was starving too because she decided not to eat all day (even at the buffet - wtf, they had icecream!!). Just at that moment when we were discussing what to eat I received a text message. "Sorry for what i said, i'm having a dinner party tonight if you want to come", words any hungry stomache might like to read at a time like this. It was a house warming party so we picked up a tiramisu and made are way over to the new apartment. He had cooked a dinner with the cook book I left there once and had two other guests as well as my sister, her boyfriend, and me to feed. He toured us his new apartment (quite a step up from the old one) and did a show and tell with his motorcycle gear, ending the night by showing us his new motor bike on the way out. Nothing was weird. It was as though the conversation the day before had never happened. Then we left satisfied - me confused - again, and went home to sleep.

The Last Phone Call

2009-03-28T22:48:00.002-07:00

Well... it's over. It's really over. Dead. In the words of JT/TI "the old me's dead and gone... dead and gone...." Tonight he asked me the hardest questions. I hate hard questions (who doesn't?). "Do you still have feelings for me?" WTF of course. I wouldn't have gone out with him for almost two years if "feelings" weren't there, however, I have MIXED feelings Some are good and some are bad, and to this point they were almost equal in number, leaving me sitting on the fence. "Am I wasting my time trying to get back with you?" Yes. It is unfair to him to have to wait for my mind to be made up - especially since that seems to be taking forever. Fence sitters have a hard time making up their minds... there are too may sides of the story to consider, and too many what if scenerios to ponder. That was all he needed to hear. He says it's too hard for him to be friends with me still. He has to forget me completely. He deleted me from every form of communication as of this evening... I guess that means it's final then. No more. I was devastated... to me, losing a romantic relationship is not as hard as losing a friend.... I felt he was the one ripping my heart out (I guess I deserved that...). I understand and yet I don't. I have to accept that decision - even though it is only him accepting mine. The truth hurts so much. He said "since you're so busy you'll have no problem forgetting about it"... The sad part is that it's probably true. The sad part is also that it isn't true. I can't forget nor have I ever tried... but business is my excuse for not speaking to alot of people... I guess it just means that much more when you used to rearrange your schedule to fit his and be busy when he was and free when he wasn't. Why did I do that? Why can't I let go of things? Why do I need believe I am good person and a loving friend when evidence points to the contrary? Why can't I just accept that I'm a heartbreaker... a killer of love....? I am not! He just doesn't understand. Why am I the one crying because he doesn't want to ever see me again when he was the one who got broken up with? Why is the bad guy so sad?

A Poetic Bath

2009-03-21T21:21:00.003-07:00

I lay back in relaxing bath scented will lavendar epsom salts. The air was also scented with lavendar aromatherapy, and a calming candle stood still at the foot of the tub. I put on some arabic music and closed my eyes, letting my senses take it all in. The hot water washing my skin, the aroma surrounding me with a peaceful feeing, and the rythm and voices of a distant place singing in words I couldn't understand. It was the first moment in a very long time where I felt completely at peace. The only thoughts in my head were of that moment. Then I began to feel my heart beating through-out my body... and that is as far as I got into my moment before I "awoke" and returned to the present. The present - that place stuck between the past and the future... a place with too many thoughts. A place slightly longer than a moment - where you need to be to get there, and that you need to escape at the same time. To bring a moment into the present is to make it part of the past but this is needed in order for it to influence your future. My baths are where I find most of my moments. They are relaxing and healing. My escape from the hassles of daily life, and too rare these days.

Whoo hoo!

2009-03-15T10:47:00.005-07:00

I was reading this article today about falling in love and thought it was cute, but also interesting. Maybe it's because I'm trying to figure things out in my life. Using the analogy in the article, I feel like I'm being pulled off the ground but I've tied myself down worrying about the dangers of "flying". Or maybe I already was flying but just crashed and in response had to tie myself dwon for fear of crashing again. If you don't fly, you can't fall... which leaves me to wonder, can I only go so far before the same thing happens again or should I cut the rope? Maybe my problem, is that I look to other people as examples... at one time I was sure that something terrible was going to happen so to cope I ran away... it happened to a friend, why would it be different for me? Now I realize - duh, because I am not my friend - I am me. I partially realized this when the story (with minor detail changes - possibly worse!) repreated itself to another friend at work. She cried for days, she was devastated... he begged for forgiveness, and for something I would have deemed unforgivable in the context, she took him back - not fully - but with that goal in mind. So far it seems they've been happily working on things for a while now - it's almost as though they couldn't help but to be together. Maybe I'm too influenced by the examples and stories that go on around me... however I do feel that there must be a message in them... he didn't do that terrible thing (or even anything close to what happened to friend #2 or #1), so perhaps friend #1's destiny was not the road I should have followed... Why am I following roads? There are no roads when you're flying.

CONFUSION

2009-03-09T22:12:00.001-07:00

Tannis is confused. So today was a weird day. Here's the background story: My ex-boyfriend and I share the same birthday (not really, his is the day before...) so since we are still friends we decided to go out an celebrate today. The original plan was to go to the science center, but I get off at school at 3 and it closes at 4 so those plans fell through. Instead we went bowling, then to the Taj Mahal restaraunt, and then watched a movie called "Miracle at St. Anne's"(or something along those lines). First confusion moment happened as soon as I got in the car (he picked me up at school). He gave me a box of chocolates and a nice card with kittens on it that had a poem he wrote on the inside (more background: he's not the type to write a poem or even seem to have romantic thoughts at all... pretty much a man's man to the max). Then at the end of the night as he was driving me home, he told me he had a letter for me and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. I read it and it was pretty good actually - I was impressed - it was basically an apology/love letter.... another out of character thing for him to do. I realize he's been pretty heart broken - but's it's been almost four months now... another weird thing is that all of a sudden he starts playing soccer (he joined a team, I had suggested it for so long), then he goes to the mosque (a long time ago, I also suggested he do that to have some reflection/spiritual time). I feel like he's actually trying to change... something I didn't think was fair to request, however he told me himself on one occassion, "you told me it was unfair of you to ask me to change, but you weren't asking me to change my personality, you were asking me to change for the better." Anyways, if you've read my previous entries you'd knwo why I am now in a state of confusion... on one hand I have a hard time believing this is true... what if things go back the way they were before?? On the other... it seems like he's doing "that thing", that unrealistic, that could never happen thing, the only thing that would make me go back. what if?? Everynow and then I catch my mind referring to him as my baby... but I always thought that these type of feelings were natural... that everyone goes through a period of missing at some point... on the other hand I never felt that way in any other relationship. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?

CLOCKS & Refs

2009-03-02T15:48:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night that was really weird and saturated with strong emotions. The first part I just remembered as I was eating my lunch at school, realizing I forgot my cell phone and therefore am without my "watch". Why aren't there any clocks anywhere!? It should be mandatory that a visible clock is placed in every room or major section of a very large room/corridor. Why do I feel the need to always know the time? Anyways, here's a snippet of my dream last night:I was called into work at my old job. It was after supper (in the dream) and I had to open the gym (which doesn't make sense because it is open at 5am until 11pm, apparently they were short staffed). Anyways, one thing I noticed was that all the clocks in the place were wrong! I had no idea what time it was and could only make an educated guess... it must be around 9 or 10 because I already had supper and did a few other things and that was around 7. Every clock was displaying a random time, and to make matters worse people were coming in to exercise but acting as though it was much earlier. I became very frustrated and started forcefully asking all my coworkers what time it was. Does anyone know the time? Why are all the clocks wrong? Can someone fix these clocks please!!? Among other annoyances in the dream (such as interaction with random made-up coworker who I apaprently had mutual feelings if dislike, and other former coworkers who were disapointed I had returned), the clock thing was pretty frustrating.I woke up frustrated by the dream that occurred after that. I was playing soccer and a girl wrapped her legs around my ankles (while she was on the ground from falling) so I couldn't move. The ref called it against me, and I was so angry I started arguing with him. How could this be my fault when she's the one wrapped around my legs?? He explained something about how that team wasn't as well off (as wheel barrows as a travelling method did suggest). The rest of my team started confronting me and getting angry that I "gave that girl a look" and that's why the ref called me. I was so angry! It wasn't fair! Since when does "a look" count as a penalty especially when that person is commiting a huge obvious foul themselves. Anyways, the girl continues to try and get away with things and the ref seemed illusioned as she talked babyish to him. My dream person then had a weird thought that made me uncomfortable. I thought "if I had the face of an angel (referring to the girl), maybe the ref would see my side." The game continued but I woke up feeling frustrated and angry. I wonder what these dreams mean...

Drift Wood

2009-01-26T17:23:00.002-07:00

Somtimes I get in a creative mood. Sometimes I don't for a long time. Foruntately this is a good day and not a sucky one so here's a poem. On of the very few "happy" poems I've written, especially recently.

I’m a prisoner of memories
Of cereal, cookies, and strawberries
Simple things you see, like cake
I like to eat it but I don’t bake
It don’t take much to satisfy me
I’m not shallow but I aint deep,
just enough you can’t touch your feet
you’re breathing just a little harder now
your heart’s speeding just a little faster now
your eyes are searching frantically
calm down, relax, cause it’s just me
Lighten up like buoyancy
I keep you floating, keep you joking
If you keep breathing you’ll stop choking
And your words will just start flowing
Like a sea. Then you’ll feel like it’s me.
My style’s care-free.
Relax. I drift like wood on a beach.

My sister rapped it. That sounded pretty "ill" <-- notice the lingo. haha

Just sad

2009-01-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

I feel sad. Basically that's it. I feel guilt and sad and hurt. It's not fair. It's not fair for someone to mistreat you until you break and then try and fix it, is it? I don't know what I want. I'm just confused and sad. I miss him but I don't. It doesn't make sense... I just want to sleep. Maybe somehow it will all be over when I wake up.

Clinging

2009-01-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Fuck. I'm so pissed off. Oh yeah, Happy New Years btw. I don't understand... why do people not realize that the more they attempt to make you angry the more angrier you will become and the farther away from their ultimate goal they will get. I'm so bad at hurting people... it's like a slow painful death when it should be as quick as a guillotine. It's because I'm never sure of my own feelings. I'm caught between the grey area of a clean breakup and a fight between good friends. At least that's how it started. Now I've been pissed off yet again and am starting to see where I'm standing. It's like I've been wondering through fog looking for a distinct line and now I see one emerging... coming into focus. Maybe it's more like bad doctoring. Like keeping someone on life support in hopes that they may suddenly jump up in full swing ready to salsa dance the night away with only happiness and love in their heart. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this one... and watch it fizzle away... it's always sad to lose someone but not as much as watching them suffer. I suppose I could blame it on my moral upbringing - pulling the plug is just as good as putting a bullet to their brain... I'm not one to go down without a fight, even in the most seemingly hopeless situation, and maybe this is the ONLY situation when it's ok to give up... just maybe.<

Heartless?

2008-12-23T12:39:00.005-07:00

Told all your friends your ugly tale 'bout a girl who cried and screamed and yelled, and told you not to speak to her and made you love her and then just left you there... how cold. I wish they knew, I wish they knew, the real you. I wish they knew 'bout all the stuff you didn't do, all the stuff I did for you, all the missing thank-yous (where'd your manners go?). I wish they didn't still believe, you only hurt the ones you love, well then I guess you really did love me.

Now you say I'm so evil, so bad news, stay away from her, that girl's a heart breaker. She's got my blood on her hands, look at her just walking around but she don't understand, how I changed, I'm a new man. Take me back... but in the same breathe you just said all that crap...

We're on the phone at 2 am, you're tryna get me back, buy me things and reminisce bout back then. What are you doing for NYE? you ask, But when I tell you my plans you just get mad, why you gonna go out and do that? Fine, I'm going to go out with all the pretty girls I met - okay, sounds fun - AND I'm gonna kiss at midnight with that girl you didn't like...

I'm never coming back if you don't want me to have fun, you're trying to bring my anger back, maybe that's why you're home alone, waiting by the telephone, ever thought of that? I'm second guessing that chance I gave you , cause you're just trying to make me as miserable as you. Is that what a friend is suppose to do? That's what a boyfriend is suppose to do when he leaves his girl at home to sit around alone like some little house wife. Well you found out that I aint that nice.

Do whatever I said before 'cause you want me back, well that was then, this is now and it don't work like that. Now all your friends say I'm controlling, maybe if they knew about your lying they'd undestand the whole thing. I hate it how you turn it around and play the victim, like I'm the mean one for leaving you, for "giving up" on you. You know there's a reason for that too. You think I didn't try to work it through? I couldn't even get through to you when I'm crying, I'm burning, it's dying, and you keep throwing fuel on the fire. You just don't get it. I'm too tired to fight anymore, I just let it burn, burn to the floor. And now you're getting mad at me (again), can't even be a friend to me (the fundamental part). I guess that's something we'll never be because you just want more and more and more. All you want is more.

This was inspired by Kanye West's "Heartless" which I believe represents the perspective of my ex(s). This is the female rebuttle... or part of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWzlD7Lc6w8

Will Power

2008-12-02T14:16:00.003-07:00

I am so confused!! He wants to dance.... I want to dance too.... but I don't want him to want me back because I'm just not ready to trust him. Maybe I never will (most likely). We agreed to be friends and we are, but I also want him to beable to move on, and myself as well.

Life Goes On

2008-11-12T15:01:00.002-07:00

Tuesday this week was the only day that I felt the world had slowed down for me. Finally, all I wanted was some time to grieve my losses without life pulling me forward into everyday routine and hassle. I'll admit, I had tonnes of fun these last few weeks but somehow I still felt like I was being rushed... there was no time between exams and parties (all of a sudden a never ending stream of party invites I could actually attend and I haven't been out for months!). Yesterday I slept in, and aside from a physiology lab and a midterm exam lingering in the back of my mind, i managed to have an emotionally productive day. Aside from a bit of studying, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched a horror movie called "the strangers" (super scary, recommend watching in the dark). Then I watched Monday night's recording of Heroes. Then I had supper and went to my soccer game. I guess my mind was occupied with lighter things all day.

I also had a great philosophical discussion (mostly with my own mind and some with my mom) about life paths. It stemmed from a memory I had about a tarot card reading my friend and I did about 2 summers ago (the beginning of our stampede tradition). The lady told my friend that she would find a great job and be successful in it and that she should look into the oil industry. Then she told me that my friend would be there to support me while she was becoming successful because I would be going through a heartbreak. On one hand I feel like I screwed up my own fate, possibly unconsciously due to self fulfilling prophecy. Why did that lady put that in my mind? Was she really psychic? Is it just a coincidence? Or did she doom me unintentionally?

A more comforting answer I came up with is this: If in fact, the future is predetermined (provided it can be predicted by a psychic), then if what is predicted turns out to be true that must mean that you made all the right decisions on your quest into the future because you ended up in the exact place you were suppose to be. Que sera sera?

I once read a Bijan book called "effortless prosperity" and one of the stories in the book came to mind. He spoke of an ongoing off and on relationship he had. Each time they encountered the same problems and broke up, only to come back together remembering the good experiences they had. Eventually the stress became too much and he had to move on. He compared his relationship to a river intersecting his life path. In order to continue his path he needed to take the boat across the river. However, once he got to the other side he would decide to get back on the boat (return to his girlfriend). He realized he was only going back and forth on the river and that he was meant to move on in order to move forward. Once he got off the boat the final time, he was able to move down his path again. I like that comparison because it doesn't trivialize the events you shared with an ex. It was never a waste of time. You had to get on that boat and cross that river in order to continue, but you must choose to accept what is and move forward.

*In this paragraph I will describe how this situation can be related to physics* So if Bijan was on the boat, and he needed to cross the river to continue his path and the river was X meters long, then his displacement would be X meters at the other side. Therefore in his life, his relationship would have accounted for X amount of displacement on his life path. Because he kept staying on the boat his distance increased. He added nxX (n is the number of times he crossed the river) meters onto his life journey but because his ultimate displacement was still X, essentially he did not move forward in his life despite his added distance. *end*

So I think I could write a whole philosophy book on this. Maybe I will. I'll leave more for another day. My brain is starting to get ahead of me.

I Like Metaphores and Similes

2008-11-07T14:12:00.002-07:00

Today I will discuss and idea that has been plaguing my brain this week and has probably developed as some kind of survival mechanism for depressing times, much like the purpose of humour (or so I believe). Today I will discuss how relationships are alot like jobs.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.

And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.

Hurricane

2008-10-20T12:34:00.003-07:00

The eye of the storm past quicker than I could ever imagined. I guess I was just lingering on the edge of denial. I knew it was bad. I didn't want it to be true. It wasn't just their friendship that made me nervous alone. It wasn't the 4am phone calls (and every other hour of the wee morning), or the intimate conversations they had, or his willingness to do anything she asked (but yet not for me?)... okay, that's what started it. It built and built. What if I'm just over reacting? Obviously she's just a friend... maybe I have trust issues. Friend or not, I was disiullusioned by the constant "hiding". He was afraid to tell me he was talking to her so he changed her name on his phone to Mike and refused to answer when I was around. Why? I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I politely confronted on several occasions and told him i felt uncomfortable about their late night early morning phone calls. I told I would appreciate it if when I asked him about her or what they did he would tell me openly and honestly - well... read my earlier blogs and you'll discover that my request was blatantly ignored. The climax: "who's mike?"... "a friend."... "why don't you answer it?" (he always ALWAYS answers his phone)... "i don't want to talk to him." ..." How come?"... "you ask too many questions." "where's mike from?" "I don't know" "oh...". Later on I called that number (as snoopy as this seems I had a strong strong feeling of suspicion): "Hi, is Mike there?" "no, you must have the wrong number." "Oh sorry." an hour later... "Hi is [SHE] there?" "SHE's out right now, can I take a message?" "No, that's okay, thanks."
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.

You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.

I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.

Milestones

2008-10-09T21:07:00.002-07:00

Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.

Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.

Backstreet's Back!!! ALRIGHT!

2008-09-05T08:28:00.004-07:00

On Tuesday night I fulfilled a childhood dream. A friend and I did everything possible to make the experience as great as it could be and we succeeded. We reached ("touch the sweat! Reach farther! You want to feel the essence!"), we screamed (oh boy did we scream! "Omg!! AHHHH, I love you nick carter, marry me!!"), and we sang every word of every song as loud as possible. We weren't alone in this fanatisism. 8000 other girls filled the saddledome screaming and crying for the backstreet boys. They first arrived on the music radar when I was in grade 2. In grade the upper grades of elementary school they busted out their two most popular albums Backstreet's Back and Millenium, both which I proudly own and have carried them over into the new age of ipodness. In Junior High Black & Blue came out and more recently in 2007 (i think), Unbreakable came out. As far as I'm concerned the backstreet boys are legends of my generation and tuesday was a night of celebrating good times and good memories of the 90s. I remember my mom and I singing You Are My Fire on our way to a soccer game. And one summer I listened to the Millenium CD over and over on our vacation to the Okanagan. To see them in concert was AMAZING to say the least. They were excellent performers, and despite that most of the group is married and in their thirties, they still managed to bring their boyish charm to the table and cause thousands of girls to scream and reach for them (even those of us on the 2nd level! lol). One thing I will note is that Nick Carter is smoking hot in real life. He was never my favourite backstreet boy by Tuesday may have converted me to a NIck Carter lover - good times, good times.

Dear A.

2008-07-30T21:31:00.002-07:00

Dear A,

I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.

And then there was one...

2008-07-28T21:29:00.001-07:00

Well, technically there was still 3 however two of them only worked on Sundays... Is making it a year a bad goal for jobs that pay crappy? Problem is I go back to school for the next two septembers and januarys and possibly parttime in the spring and summer of 2009. Getting a fulltime well paying job is difficult. I could lie and then quit every september but that doesn't look very good on a resume (if it's an "important" job), where as it doesn't look too bad to have a lower-end parttime job through out the entire year including during school. I want to buy a house one day (a house is big dreams... maybe an apartment or condo?), but i've been told that I need two lines of credit to be accepted for mortgage as well as evidence of a year's employment (for credit score I guess). So far I own a VISA card... and that's about it... I'm still working on the whole "down payment" thing (ie. lottery tickets? j/k). After I graduate I'll get a career and make enough money to actually pay my mortgage by myself. I'm also currently working on "making it" a year at the same job.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.

Workdom

2008-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

So i am sitting at work right now trying to think of something to do that will keep my eyes from shutting. It's 7:11 am and while most people are just getting up or heading to work now, I have already been at work for two hours. I'm not tired from working early though. I'm tired from a whole week of working early and the thought that I won't get a day off for another thirteen days. It is moments like this one that make me wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It seems like the past few summers have been "learning experiences". I've learned what jobs not to get. But because the summer is nearly over and uni will start very soon, I feel there's no point in quitting and then not making ANY money for the rest of the summer. I might as well stick it out and build the bank account a bit. I can't wait to go back to school. It's like a new years for me. Time to make more resolutions and get organized! (even if it only lasts a week). Plus the more work I do this semester the faster I'll be done my degree and the sooner I can start real life! I'm excited for a "back to school" shopping spree - lululemon, and staples! yay!

Girls Don't Like Boys (Girls like cars and money?)

2008-07-22T20:33:00.002-07:00

I was thinking about a few conversations I've had with female friends who are either in a serious relationship or have escaped from one. We were talking about the idea of trust and basically ranting about how certain experiences have caused stress in our relationships. It seems (in most cases) that guys and girls are not on the same page about what trust is. For men it seems, trust is "not cheating", ie. not sleeping with someone else - for them this is a verb, not an idea. The girls I've spoken to seem to emphasize truth and openess more than anything. When I guy goes out with one of his female friends, his girlfriend wants to hear " I am going to (or I went) [insert place here] with my friend (+ her/his name, possibly connection - from work, from school, etc.)" For some reason men feel the need to "disguise" their friend's gender, name, and where they're are going, even in the most trivial senerios. Instead of openly communicating what seems to the girlfriend to be pertanent information, guys will giggle, refer to their friend as "my friend", or just brush it off all together, especially in the afce of questioning. Why not just answer the questions? Male behavior comes across to many girls as being deceptive and this to girls is what destroys trust. It is upon or after being questioned or met with a girlfriend's untrusting glares and hostile attitude toward these vague answers that men get defensive and makes statements like "we're just friends! why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything!" Even if you didn't ask them what they did or not. It is here when it seems men do not understand what part of their answers have caused their girlfriends "jealous" rage (which can actually be explained as fear that her partner is lying due to his apparent "editing" or hiding of the truth). To girls it is plain and simple: If you have nothing to hide hide nothing. Why make a story for something that is "nothing". Why hide your friend's identity if you are indeed "just friends". What is the purpose of that? In my experience, guys have said that they felt the need to lie to avoid having their girlfriend get angry. Here's a bit of insite to all the men out there: WE ARE MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED BECAUSE IT INSIUATES THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN, THAN WE ARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID. For example, if Peter is going to visit his female friend Tracy who just bought a new house, Peter should tell his girldfriend "I am going to visit my firend Tracy because she just bought a new house." This is an upfront honest statement. The following statement will cause Peter's girlfriend to turn evil in a split second: "I am going out with.... a friend," naturally met with the reply,"who?", "no one, just a friend." "where are you going?" "Nowhere." "WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?" "no one... just a friend... she just need some help..." "WHO's SHE? IT's WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT DOES SHE NEED HELP WITH? WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ANOTHER FRIEND?" "Geeze, we are just friends... she just needs some help with some stuff...".

This type of situation may have different endings for different people. For those of us who are "bottlers" this situations sucks cause it eats from the inside out. A friend once told me that one of her greatest relationship lessons was the importance of being more open about her feelings. My friend's who I grew up with shared many of the same MOSTLY male friends with me, and it is my belief now that we were too much exposed to male behaviors and thoughts. For example, after spending time with many guys you might come to the conclusion that it is a man's dreaded fear to have to listen to a women's feelings. This may be true however it does not mean that women should not tell their feeling anyways. It was this thought pattern (combined with perosnality traits of course) that I believe supported the bottling method of dealing with anger and sadness. Instead of sitting down and pulling out the old "serious relationship discussion" or expressing hurt at the time it is "inflicted", we thought it might "scare him away" or cause himt o resent us. However, in the end it only enabled his behavior - leadsing him to believe we were not bothered or would not get upset. In the end, I can not except even his most honest statement, it is my problem and the relationship is not meant to be. If he can not give an honest statement it is now his problem and he may have to face those dreaded little words: "to the left, to the left." So gals, in the words of Aaron Carter " DOn't stress don't stress, don't stress, just tell him to the left left left...". Easier said than done.

I Got Skinned

2008-07-22T20:31:00.002-07:00

So I was just having this memory of the worst dermatologist I've ever seen. I'm due for my yearly physical at the doctor, and while I'm there I was planning to ask him to refer me to a DIFFERENT dermatologist. Last time was hell on earth and left me without answers for the misery growing on my face. That was in January after I waited 6 months to get in. The story goes like this: Traffic was terrible that day and even though I left 40 minutes early anticipating it would be hard to find parking, I still ended up being 10 minutes late. Not to worry as doctors are always late themselves and I still spent 20 minutes in the waiting room. I filled out the background information form with difficulty as my hands were stiff and swollen, thawing out because mother nature has no mercy on those who live in Calgary and have to park downtown several blocks from their actual destination. Finally it was my turn. I was relieved and excited to finally be getting some help. It had been almost a year and the same patch of pimples hadn't cleared up, and it seemed like more were starting to pop out. I waited again in the little room until finally the dermatologist arrived. Without introduction he looked at my face and said "Well...what's the problem?" In that slightly annoyed tone as though to say "your problem isn't worth my time. That pizza face kid in the next room will pay for my porshe." Stunned at this doctors lack of empathy for me I tried to politely explain what I was there for ("i have these bumps on my nose, alot of black heads, and these under the skin pimples on my chin that won't go away"). He didn't seem too concerned and then stunned me yet again with his response. I had to hold my tongue as my mind raced through several words I could snap at him. "Well.... What do you want me to do about it?". Excuse me? You're the doctor! Obviously I want you to tell me what I can do to fix it!! I wouldn't be here if I knew what to do about it! I was more than unimpressed by this doctors rude approach to patient interaction, "well, I would like something to help it go away?". "Like what? oral meds, cream..." "Um... (Is this guy for real?) I'd prefer cream before oral medication." With that he wrote a perscription handed it to me and left the room. "Thanks for coming!" said the nurse as I left. I was dissapointed in the brief meeting (totalling approximately 3 minutes), angry at the doctors lack of respect and concern for my problem, and shocked at how unfullfilling my 6 month wait had turned out to be. I arrived twenty minutes later at shoppers to deliver my prescription. As I was standing in line I decided to read my pescription and lucky I did. "Is tetracycline the same as it used to be?" I asked the pharmacist. "Yes" he replied looking alittle bit confused of why I would ask such a silly question. "well... I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this" I said. He typed up my name in the computer and sure enough it was listed under my allergies. You may be thinking this is my fault for not mentioning it to the dermatologist... which would be correct except that I assumed that doctors usually read those background sheets you fill out while you wait in the waiting room. Under allergies I had written tetracycline and minocycline. Apparently this doctor hadn't read my background information, and now on top of feeling insulted by my visit to the dermatologist, it had now become a completely useless experience as i could not even use the prescription that he had given me. No way in hell was I wasting another minute of my life to go back to that office for another encounter with the asshole. My money will go elsewhere. Unfortuneately my story hasn't ended and I am still plagued by the evil chin acne... it's like one of those pooh rolling beetles in my mind that has been rolling one pooh ball after another for so long that I just feel like my face is one massive ball of pooh. I just felt like saying pooh alot.

You Are What You Eat

2008-07-03T16:22:00.003-07:00

I've been reading alot of nutritional books lately. Basically to sum them up in a few points:
1) Margarine, hydrogenated vegatable oils, and red meat = too much bad fats
2) Whole grains, vegetables, and fruits = good
3) Regulating blood sugar with low GI foods, small frequent meals and healthy snacks, and cinnimon = good
4) Omega 3 fatty acids = good
5) Limit dairy products
6) Processed foods, flour, and sugar = evil

So far all this seems to be common sense and at a glance would seem like an easy diet to follow - eat healthy, right? So my journey towards a more healthy diet started in my attempt to rid myself of the evil acne plaguing my face. I swear I've had the same zits in the same patch for over a year now and frankly put, it's just plain depressing. I'm twenty one and acne is supposed to be a teenager thing (or so I wish). I tried several strict washing regimes, and creams from the dermotologist too. I was on two different kinds over several months for the past year and a half and the only improvement I saw was that the big nasty cystic zits decreased (thank God).
Then I saw this book called the clear skin diet, which seemed interesting because it was about nutrition (one of my interests) as well as providing some education about skin and acne. Could this be my problem? Now that I've finished that book I'm onto a new book and have another few lined up for later. Edumacation here I come! Upon undertaking this nutritional perspective, although probably good in the long run, in the short term is causing alot of stress. All I want to do is try this way of living, make my own food, sample healthy recipes, etc. but I'm finding I am cramped. It's not that my kitchen is too small, or that the materials and ingredients aren't available (they are all here and more), it's that the kitchen is not mine. The food is not mine. Since I live with my family I can't just go in and weed out all the "bad stuff" in the cupboard and fridge cause it's not mine. For some reason I also find it annoying relying on food my Mom bought and I can't seem to get comfortable cooking in the kitchen because I always feel rushed like I can't just relax and cook. I have to worry about ... something... I can't put my finger on it. I just want my own space with my own cooking supplies and ingredients. I want to move out! I want to cook a meal in MY place and invite my family to eat it. But alas my income is insufficient to buy or rent in Calgary's crazy market. I can't get a full time job because I go back to school in september... I can't get a career without an education in SOMETHING but I'm half way through my degree so I have to finish it off. I guess I'm feeling the need to "grow up" but also feeling trapped or stagnant at the stage right before. Should I just take the plunge and move out? I know my parents would disagree and say its foolish to live beyond my means (wait, am I being like a kid for worrying about the disagreement of my parents?). Right now it just seems as though I am grinding it out... and life will start in two years on the completion of my degree. In the meantime things will go as they must... I'm just scared that something won't wait for me that long. Basically this rant is about how my attempt to reform my life in the way of nutrition has lead me on a domino path of thoughts and to the realization that these things are ultimately connected - moving one string in the web has caused strain on the others - unless the whole web can be moved somehow... and I ate a Mr.Big icecream bar today... I'm off to a good start...

Girl Talk

2008-04-01T06:18:00.002-07:00

Help! I need a female friend who actually would at least pretend she wants to hear my girly problems. I feel a lack of female companionship, especially when things get rough in the 'ol boyfriend department. I have a few girl friends but I don't see them often, and the ones i do see often have some kind of issue with boys and get annoyed everytime i bring up my boyfriends name. My sister seems to be the only one who will listen to me, but I feel embarrassed telling her problems like that, like she will log it away in her brain to use as a weapon in the future of sisterly conflicts. And of course, the guys aren't very interested. They seem to take my problems as evidence of a lack of compassion for THEIR problems (WIM - Whoa is me). Instead of having someone to listen and give advice it becomes a "well look at all the things happening to ME" type conversation. I feel like I always end up being the listener and never the teller... and in the end having alot to say and no one to say it to.

Title

2008-03-25T08:44:00.002-07:00

Last night I did a 45 minute presentation with a partner in my kinesiology class. We lectured on chapter 8 of out text book (conveniently written by our professor). Public speaking has always been one of my weaknesses. I dreaded this March 24 at the thought of myself standing in front of my fellow class mates "teaching" them information I knew only just as well (and possible even less) than some of them. I imagined myself stuttering, slipping on my words, with sweat marks growing under neath my arm pits. At the end they would bombared me with questions and my mind would go blank as i rambled some random answer met with smug faces of disapointment. But as a somewhat nuerotic individual, this was me preparing for the worst possible scenerio (not including peeing or letting one rip out of nervousness in front of everyone, that's going a bit far, although I did think of it in "what if" terms at one point. At 5:30pm we took our stand infront of the class. Our powerpoint project was tweaked and ready to go. We had three well thought out quiz questions at the beggining. Things were going well. My partner was first, introducing the topic and delving into some background information. She was doing excellent. At last the moment of truth arrived. I stood up and to my own surprise my voice rang out loud, clear, and free of stutters. My mind was flowing, the words were stringing together like some magical chain (yes, bad simile, i know). I was exceeding even my practice performance (strength in numbers?). By the end of the presentation I was relieved that it was over. I had a good feeling that I knew what I had done right and what I would be criticized on. We waited to receive our feedback forms. Amazing. I felt so satisfied with myself, like I had conquered a fear, and destroyed Goliath. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, like twenty pats on my back. The thing that most stuck in my mind was the comments regarding me and my partner's team work. We did an excellent job keeping the flow of the presentation - one of us manned the power point while the other spoke. I also received compliments on my ability to maintain eye contact with the class while reading my notes clearly and appearing to be very knowledgeable on the topic. It may seem as though I like to toot my own horn, but hey, once in awhile you have to give yourself credit for a job well done, especially when it was extremely challenging. It important to remember positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. To sum up, basically I feel like I've added an accomplishment to my life's resume and now have an experience under my belt to take with me and use in similar future situations. One last thing I need to mention is that I felt as though my partner and I had been able to deliever a formal presentation, choked full of important information while still maintaining a lighthearted peer relationship with our classmates.

Vacations

2008-02-24T20:40:00.003-07:00

Man, I need a vacation. Or maybe I just need to move... somewhere far away and start all over. Why do I feel like this? I don't know. It could be the stresses of school. I've come to the conclusion that work in university is way more stressful if it doesn't seem necessary. In one of my classes it feels like I have an unnecessarily large work load... why can't i just learn the material and spit it out on a test like every other class? It's not like i don't learn anything that way, which is what some people claim. Why should i be punished for someone else's poor ability to learn via multiple choice testing strategies? This class requires me and a partner to make a lecture for the class on a given chapter (i have chapter 10). The lecture must include a PowerPoint presentation and an audience participation activity. I guess I have to read my book a few weeks in advance - pooooo! Then, the midterm is no ordinary midterm. It consists of three questions which the teacher has already posted on blackboard. The catch? They are essay questions, which the teacher expects to be perfect and in depth since we've had time to look over the questions in advance and " make outlines". She also suggests we meet with groups in the class and discuss the questions and answers. My crazy group just happen to be a bunch of keeners and people with only one or 2 classes this semester. The first meeting they already had a lot of research done. Since I was busy with other classes and midterms for that week I had just started reading the questions and basically felt like an idiot the whole time - not a confidence booster. Aside from this midterm research, and lecture thing, we also have a final project which we must soon start. It is to "train" a client on how to use something called the quiet eye in sports, then right a report on our findings. If i only had one or two classes this would be alright and possibly even fun, but i also have another class with a final project due as well as several more labs. It just feels like my brain is split into so many areas this semester its hard to keep track of school and the rest of life. So that's my vent for today. In other news... stress has also arisen in the friendship area of life. I was talking to some people i work with who feel the same as me . They work all day talking to people, training people, some go to school as well, and in the down time they just want to go home and relax. However, there are always other people (ie. friends) whose lives are different and would like your down time to be time spent with them. Sometimes they don't understand that you just want to sleep or sit at home alone and watch some good ol' TV. I totally understand that frustration. You don't want to answer the phone, you don't feel like explaining yourself all the time. This may also be the reason for reluctance to make long term plans (eg. committing to a party that happens next weekend, what if you don't feel like going then?) What's wrong with hanging out once every couple weeks? I imagine, as it is for me, that this becomes more frustrating when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to spend time with in your down time. Now you have the problem of trying to explain that in your tiredness you just want to go home and cuddle... you're under pressure to split your time, weigh your priorities and values, and in doing so run the risk of angering and/or even losing friends ( some of which need/demand more time than others). Solution? How 'bout combine friends and boyfriend for some of your free time - kill two birds with one stone. Easy right? As I have discovered it is easier said than done. Friends see you and your boyfriend as an item - or in less nice terms, as you with something attached that divides your attention and makes things "awkward". You see it as a chance for everyone to become friends and to join two opposing groups in harmony - this is my Utopian vision. But I won't jump into generalizations fully - this situation of course depends on the personalities of those involved. I enjoy having all my friends join together no matter who they are or what history we have. I believe awkwardness is what you make it - it depends on your perspective. For example, a lull in conversation, an awkward pause? or an opportunity to reflect on previous conversation or to go do a different task and give your mind a break? Being the third wheel, awkward feeling of being left out? or chance to spend time with your friend while they are happiest and see another side/influence in their life? Unfortunately I don't believe most people see things in the most "positive" light and because of this I believe they limit themselves in a lot of ways. It is frustrating to experience this barrier to my Utopian vision. haha Maybe I'm just too sensitive... that's my parent's criticism.

Job Search Blues

2007-09-30T14:35:00.001-07:00

Man, I have been stuck in a bad luck slump as far as jobs go this year. Since school started I have been searching for a job, but to no avail. I don't get it. Calgary is supposed to be having a labor shortage and hiring signs are everywhere - yet no one is hiring. I've applied at a few places that either never called me back or I ended up being "under qualified" which is what happens when every single job requires some kind of degree, certificate, or diplomna. I swear, even tim hortons is only hiring skilled professionals (ok, slight exageration). It's so frustrating. The most recent experience really bummed me out. I applied to work at curves fitness. They advertised for students and fitness enthusiasts interested in promoting a healthy lifestyle for women. Yeah, I can definitely do that! And I have tonnes of experience in the area of fitness. The first lady who interviewed me was exstatic that I applied. "This is great! We need people to work and your availability is perfect! Expect a call in the next 24 hours to set up a training schedule!" In the bag right? NO. "You just have to meet the owner." And so I did that. Early Saturday morning I put on my best and went to meet the owner. Her reaction was exactly opposite of the manager's. She seemed to have some isse with my age, as though she didn't believe i am 20. Then she kept putting her hand on her forehead and saying "i don't know. I just don't know". She asked me the usual interview questions "what can you bring to this company?" etc. and i answered pretty well. She keeps saying how she's looking for someone to open up at 6:30 in the morning once or twice a month, and I told her I could do that but i have school at 9 - 11 so i would either have to leave early or come later in the afternoon. She says what about this day at this time? And keeps picking times when I already told her I had school, and my availablility had been written down already. Finally she makes a tentative training schedule and acts like it was the biggest hassle in her life. I felt like telling her not to worry about it right then and there and I'd just look elsewhere. Sure enough she calls later that morning and says don't bother coming because your availability is bad. Bitch. Since when is afternoon and evening availability bad? I could have put more than 20 hours a week into it as a part time employee. Anyways, my hopes were crushed. And now I'm back to square 1. My mom told me not to worry about it because I shouldn't work for a bag like that, and she was definitely a BAG AND A HALF... maybe a bag filled with steaming cracases of the dreams of young girls. My sister said she was probably bitter because she was overweight and thopught that an in shape girl would just make the women depressed and not motivated, hahaha (just slightly egotisticle). SO now I've applied to a health food store where both my cousin and my sister work (at least i have good referals right?). I'm jsut totally unmotivated and jobbed out. I wish i could write the real reason for why I want to work for this company on the application forms: "I just need money and will work anywhere doing anything to get it." Originally my purpose was to find a job that i could get valuable experience at as well (eg. reasearch company, lululemon?, fitness place) but now I've come to the point where i don't care about the experience anymore, i just want to make money so I'm not scraping pennies from my piggybank and avoiding having fun that costs more than 50 cents. When will it end?

Pearly White

2007-08-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

Today begins the journey to a brighter smile. I visited the dentist today to receive a whitening kit. After many long years of braces, it is a relief to finally start having a nice smile. There's not much else I can say about that... or is there? It's weird when you think about it, that having a bright white smile is merely a cultural value in Western society. By whitening my teeth, you could say I'm participating in my culture, trying to achieve societal standards of beauty. In many other countries and cultures, having pearly whites (that twinkle of course) is not a big priority, but if you live in North America, you most likely covet the movie star grin, or at least consider brushing your teeth to be a very important step in your daily hygiene. I once heard from some source that some British guy was quoted, "you can always tell an american coming from a mile away just by looking at their smile." Now that's probably all I will say on that topic, other than that I also got a cavity filled and now my mouth is frozen. At first she didn't put enough freezing stuff in and then I winced in pain and she asked if it was a bit "sensitive" and I nodded a very big yes, so then i got more freezing stuff and can't feel my lips or left side of mouth. Just now, an unchewed piece of toast was stuck between my cheek and my molars on the left side and i didn't notice it until I actively searched with the right side of my tongue. Well, that's my desntist story for today.

PREACHERS

2007-07-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

I am right about my own beliefs. However it doesn't make me RIGHT. Maybe I've adopted an open attitude that by some standards could be compared to as having no definite belief (religiously speaking). The other day, another incident that makes my decision to quit my job at the end of this summer ever so much more justifiable. I believe there is nothing wrong with openly discussing your religious believes and other's, however to a point. The line is crossed once you start preaching or saying that once belief is better, right, or more intelligent than any other. The judgement of other religions is phenomenon I find quite annoying, especially if it comes from someone who is relgiously devout to a belief that "judgement of others is wrong and/or only for a higher power". My boss is Muslim ( I have nothing against anyone of any religion accept if I feel they are too extreme). He recently started a conversation with me about my religious beliefs. What do you think about this? What do you think about that? I thought these were questions of curiosity and found it nice that someone would take an interest in my personal beliefs. I told my beliefs and explained why I thought some things. Suddenly the conversation took a sharp turn. He began telling me hwo my religion was wrong and how the Koran was the only word of God. He todl me how what i learned was stupid because it was open to interpretation (the bible stories are open to interpretation, right?) and because I was encouraged to question things. The Koran is written and never has been changed. There is no room for interpretation and therefore it is the most reliable. I quote him, "I am in grade 4 because i am Muslim. YOu are in grade 2, and Jews are in grade 1". I can't believe these words came out of his mouth. All I said in defense was "what about all the people who have entirely different cultures and religious values? I disagree that there is only one way to find God." I was so pissed. How can anyone be so arrogant? Isn't that the opposite of what the majority of religions teach? What happened to being humble and accepting? It made me so angry to think that he would say such things, when I was willing to be open, share my personal thoughts, and also to listen to his beliefs without critiszm. JUST SO PISS OFF

Pottery

2007-07-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I could have smoked weed but i chose not to. I have never done that in my whole life. I'm not sure why. My conscience won't let me, but why? Technically it's not wrong. Another part of my my mind reasons this and wonders what would happen.. why not? What if I'm a number one hit single song writer confined by sobriety? What if I'm a great artist waiting to be liberated into dimensions of the mind only available with the help of drugs? After knowing virtually no one who hasn't tried it, it seems like i'm missing out on "something". Yet every time the opportunity arrises my conscience usually wins. "no thanks, no I don't do that stuff". In the end I'm sitting at even. I'm somewhat proud to have stood by beliefs for so long and call myself 100% drug free (not including tylenol and the like) but I'm also weighted by the knowledge that technically, I'm just rebelling against something that doesn't really matter anyways "in the big picture" and missing some kind of experience. It's not like one time will turn me into a pothead, make me a bad person, or drop my IQ by 100 points. I've been called "straight edge" and goody two shoes since grade 6. The problem with it is that those labels assume that the person is controlled by authority, narrowminded, and boring. I wouldn't consider myself any of those things - i'm not particularily against any certain behaviors or people who do them (except maybe those that have the potential to ruin your future, ie. cocaine, thieving, laziness, etc.). It's just that I personally can't bring myself to do certain things for whatever reason I don't know.

Breakfast moivation

2007-06-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

YUMMMMM, I rarely skip breakfast, but according to most fo teh health magazines i read, breakfast is not a morning priority for most people. I think I've discovered the cure for that. Personal Endorsement: My new favourite cereal is Special K with the choclate in it. Now I even have breakfast during the day! It's quick, it's healthy, and it will satisfy your stomache and your sweet tooth!

The little bits of choclate remind me of the buns in mexico that had a piece of chocolate inside them. I used to eat Rasin Bran Crunch, and this other things with Cranberries in it. Those are good cereals too but they don't have as much sentimental value. I also used to eat hot oatmeal alot, which is healthy but then we ran out and I forgot about them. It seem oatmeal only tastes good when you're on a health kick and you make it taste good. I should probably start eating that again. I'm trying to get back to healthiness since I kind of fell into a slump. I started exercising more frequently but then I got a cold. Blast this cold virus!! I need to move!

Horoscope not helping

2007-06-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

SO today I had a very full day. I woke up determined to ride my bike to Nevada Bob's to get my Dad a Father's Day gift, only to discover that my bike tires were flat. I then proceeded to search for an air pump to make my bike ridable once again. That took a good twenty minutes. Then I went to Nevada Bob's a bought some fancy pants golf balls (very original indeed). Then I biked home and realized that when you're twenty years old and in fairly good shape, going for a 15 minute bike ride isn't actually alot of exercise. Then my sister and I drove through the traffic hell that is calgary to get to Golf Town and buy a nice shirt for my dad as well. I've learned almost nothing from this trip except that in golf clothes, size 2 equals size 5 and Burger King has extremely salty fries. Later on when we arrived home we hd to get dressed up to go for a fancy dinner in Bragg Creek for my grandparent's annaversairy. Very nice restaraunt, good food, good service, the usual familiarity factor that plays into family dinners (lots of gossip and laughing at our own brand of humour) - not much else I have to say about that. Then I wanted to see my boyfriend whom I told a few days ago that I had friday off for us to hang out. Since he was busy earlier in the day, as was I, it didn't matter all that much that I didn't see him. When I got home from dinner he said "want to come over later?" and I said "um... later? (it's already late) I have to work tomorrow", but he was still "busy" and wouldn't tell me much about his day. I hate it when people do that. As if they have something to hide. I feel I've put every ounce of honesty I have on the line, right down to "o, i sat here and watched 'so you think you can dance' for the entire day, and literally did nothing. I ate a spoon of peanut butter and that was the highlight." I never don't say what I did because i've got nothing to hide, and I feel that by saying i did nothing it's pretty much just translates to "fuck off" or to avoid telling someone what I really did. I confronted him about that. I was angry and I'm somewhat glad I did, because I thought twice about being passive agressive. What if I just don't call him all day tomorrow and then when he calls (if he does) i just say i did nothing but am too busy to hang out. I really don't like that because when he acts like he's hiding stuff I feel like he is, then i feel bad for not having trust, but i also feel like I have a good reason. Then again it sounds ridiculous when I tell someone about it cause they just say "all he did was not call, or just not feel like conversing, and you're getting worked up" like i'm the one in the wrong. I don't know, I think sometimes I overanalyse things to the point of leaving myself in indecision. Anyways, my horoscope according to facebook says this: "Someone in your life wants a second chance. They know they screwed up, so give them one more shot. If they mess up again, you'll know their true colors." This could apply to several people in my life right now. From what I can see it's telling me to forgive but not forget and make my judgement if they don't learn... I do that too much already I think, is it right? I don't know. Sometimes I just wish I had started out as an asshole so it would be way easier to get angry at people now when I feel pissed. I have so many words, mostly angry, to spew out in brutal honesty, but too much restraint to do any of it. I need to get drunk.

Sales Strategy

2007-06-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

I very much dislike my managers opinions for quite a few reasons which I will now rant about:
1) High pressure sales - Like many people I know, I HATE being pressured by a sales person. The more that person follows me around the store the more I want to leave. In fact, if I am shopping at the mall and a sales associate hovers around me or tries to make conversation while I am browsing I tell them "I'm just looking" and then I leave. The only point during my shopping experience that I want the sales person around is when I need a change room and to ask them to get me a different size in something. So far, from the perspective of both the consumer and the sales associate, it seems like the only people who want high pressure sales are some old people, fat women, and rich snobs. Everyone else likes to be left to their own devices and will ask for help when they need it. My manager is an advocate of high pressure sales. In fact, she has no shame in following a person around the whole store trying to convince them to try on this and look at that, and if something doesn't fit right she even goes as far as to suggest they buy it and take it to be altered! No one wants to spend extra money on something they didn't want to buy in the first place! At times she has tried to make young girls (say age 15) to try on old lady bathing suits just because she's desperate to sell something. Obviously these girls refuse but after much pleading they try it on just to really say no, or take it in the change room and pretend they tried it on but really left it untouched on the inside. From a consumer's perspective I believe high pressure sales is annoying and it is rude to try and force to spend their hard earned money on something they didn't really like. From a sales perspective, I feel that selling forced goods results in a higher number of returns and unhappy customers. IN fact I've seen when my manager has manipulated a customer to buy something and then later on that day the person comes back and wants to return it but can't because bathing suits have a no return policy. Obviously the consumer has a responsibility to be assertive about things, but high pressure sales takes advanatge of those who aren't and makes people uncomfortable, regretful, and resentful of the sales person.
2) Personal treatment of employees - The business I work for is family owned (not my family) and the number of employees we have is 3. Me, my sister, and another friend of the manager. When I started working I thought i was going to be working at a store like any other but quickly became an important employee due to reduced staff and heavy workload. Nothing wrong with that except that my managers began to treat my sister and I sa if we were their kids. I can't believe I haven't quit yet because if I was any other person I would've quit if my manager disciplined me like a child and said it was for concern for my safety (i don't mean work related discipline either, I mean life lesson type stuff your parents tell you and you don't want to hear). Of course I won't listen to a boss's requests if it isnt work related, but its annoying to know that they expect like that will happen. Also, one of them became ill in the fall and asked if I would work full time in the summer (with a raise etc.) so they could take time off and go traveling and enjoy what could be the last years. More money, flexible hours, and I guess... some sympathy? led me to take that position. Now it is nearly the middle of June and neither of them has taken any days off nor have planned any trips. They don't seem like they plan to either. What happened to this living life to the fullest thing?? Suddenly i feel like my good heart was used against me to their advantage. After all, if I had quit they would only have 1... maybe 2? employees to run the stores. Why did I believe I would be doing something worth while? I could've had a much better job this summer if I hadn't commited to this one. It's angering, but i still feel like I need to stick it out for the summer, then i will quit in the fall and never come back. Go use your cancer to guilt someone else into working for peanuts so you don't have to hire or train anyone new (in a city where you can get a 15$/hr job in 2 seconds, 10$ is nothing. Time Hortons starts at 11).
3) Distrust of everyone - i don't know about you, but I personally have faith in humanity. I believe that "bad" people are few and far between, and in general most people are law abiding and respectful provided they are also respected. My boss however runs by the motto "guilty until proven innocent". Every person who comes in the store is a potential theif (even that little old lady who I could walk after and catch even if she was a thief). Common phrases I hear everyday: "make sure you count all the security tags in the store and make sure they match the number of items", "make sure you follow the customer to the door" (hell no i wont!), "If a man comes in here call our home number and leave it on so we can hear and make sure you're not being murdered or raped", "that lady could've tried to steal" (yeah but guess what... she didn't), "alwast lock the cash register after you open it just in case". You might think these are valid concerns. And yes, they would be, if in fact our store was located in a mall or some other place where you get more then one customer at a time, and more than two or 3 in an entire day, or maybe even if you sold things that people actually want to steal... like electronics... as far as I know, no murdering rapist men have come to an out of the way store to steal a bikini. The likely hood is low enough that it's one of those not worth worrying about type things like worrying that you house will burn down every night - it's possible, but highly unlikely, and life is better when you live it without constant threat. You could wake up every night and check every room and put new batteries in the smoke detector everyday but that's a waste of time, and adestructive to a good night's sleep. Kust being aware of the possibility and the emergency procedures is enough energy to spend on that.
4) THE MOST ANNOYING SALES STRATEGY EVER! I once read in a book about a man who was given an award for being a excellent car sales man. He atrributed his great success to his open minded attitide. He treated every customer as a potential customer or someone who new a potential customer. No matter what they looked like, poor, rich, black, white, asian, adult kid... everyone, he gave them 100% great customer service. He listened to their concerns and put all his effort into helping them. He new that a kid had a parent that might buy them a car. An immigrant could be wealthy (despite a stereotype most car dealerships have). A woman could be knowlegable about cars and want to buy one... maybe her husband too! With this attitide he became one of the top sales men and made a wealthy living off commision. Now lets destroy this and go to my manager's outlook. Completely opposite. "When a customer comes in look at what car they were driving, what clothes they are wearing, if they have a giant diamond ring, etc. These are the kind of customers we want. They have money and we need to sell to them", he said. I was raised to treat everyone as an equal and honestly such details like brand name clothing and rings I rarely if ever notice. I view my job as to help someone find a product they like and collect the money that product is worth, not to judge them worthy of my service or the potential depth of their pocket. Just because a guy drives up in a rusty chevy truck doesn't mean he shouldn't have the same customer service as a guy who drives a porsche. For all we know he may have more money because cars aren't his priority and swimsuits are. I despise the judgemental strategy and feel no need to hold back my feelings when my manager makes such remarks about a woman's ring and how she should be treated because of it. I'm disgusted with that. I can't even say any more. Just repulsive. OKay I can say more, even though I've already said alot. Because our business depends almost entirely on word of mouth (since we have NO ADVERTISING AT ALL), treating customers according to our judgement of how much money they might have is a bad idea. Bad service rumours often spread faster than good service rumours (this could also be a reason why high pressure sales is a bad stragedy). We need everyone who comes in to have a pleasant experience and to tell others about it (if they even do tell anyone). Selective treatment reduces the number of people who will hear good thing and come to the store by alot. Come on, thsi should be business 101! Simple probability.
5) NO ADVERTISMENTS AT ALL due to NO TRUST because a past week long effort in advertisement didn't produce immediate results. I'm on the side of every radio marketing person we've spoken to. Advertising takes time to work. YOu can't have one ad run once a day for one week and expect amillion people to show up. No, the only radio ads that work are the ones we hear often for a extended period of time. The ad that reaches the most ears the most times gets the most business. Unfortunately, with all other money related isses, bugeting is involved, but if a marketer is willing to come up with an effective advertising campaign within budget than why not take it?? OH no! that would be too simple. How bout we argue with her about why advertising is useless because not everyone listening is our customer! Um, big picture? They seem to have forgotten how their main strategy of marketing, by word of mouth, can be enhanced by getting that word to more ears. My manager constantly compares the business to MacDonald's, "oh but MacDonald's has a huge budget they can afford to advertise that much.. blah blah blah". DUH! But MacDonald's had to get that business somehow as does any other company. You can't just open a store and magically expect people to know it exist, especially if it's located in the middle of an industrial area where no one but car mechanics go. "You get what you pay for" is a saying related to any consumer/business product relationship. But suddenly it doesn't apply in advertisement. According to my boss, our store should beable to pick empty time slots open on the biggest radio stations in calgary and pay half the amount of any other company. Why? Simply just because they have no reason. "sorry, we have millions of businesses that want to advertise that are willing to pay full price or more for those slots, what makes you think you should habve special priority?" says the obviously frustrated marketing lady for CJay and Vibe98.5 Radio. I agree with her and add "they are running a business too, you have to compromise, this offer is already a good de.." I am cut off by him "I want the free slots and I want half price. Give me half price." "I can't just chop the price in half, what would my people say about that and my other customers?" The tension is getting thicker and I'm putting my face in my hands wishing I wasn't currently associated with this foolish display of poor business ettiquette. I keep telling them, that advertisement needs to be done. ANYTHING! A website, a bilboard, a radio ad. But they don't seem to see advertising as an investment into the future of the business. All they see is a number in the bank.

Mr. Golden Sun

2007-06-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

I realize blogging, for me, is a practical way to sort my thoughts so they aren't jumbling up in my brain when I need to be functioning efficiently. So as a result, much of what i write seems to be a documentation of the progression (or deterioration) of my thoughts and feelings, but i suppose that is the definition of a blog anyways... I will now update in reference to my previous blog:
I feel like the sun is peeking it's head through the clouds! Literally speaking, it's doing alot more than peeking since the temperature is going to be 29ºC tomorrow (apparently) and was 24ºC for most of the day today. Figuratively speaking, the rain cloud is dissipating. I've switched to a different BC and I already feel the difference. Today I felt much more like myself again. It's crazy how altering your regular body chemistry can affect you. Everything is so finely tuned and everythingis connected. I am constantly in awe of how complex the human body is, and what it reflects about the complexity of the universe.

Mission: Get Happy

2007-05-28T19:59:00.001-07:00

This is a very personal blog today. In fact, I feel the duty to forewarn you if you are sensitive to bodily issues. This somewhat relates to my blog a few weeks ago about my breakdown, but now i have determined a possible cause other than insanity. I've been on Alesse (ahaha, boys you don't know what im talking about!!) for about the past two months, and was on Yasmin prior to that. Before my introduction to the world of contraception I would have described myself as cool, calm, and collected (majority of the time). I was a very happy individual and bad days were easily warded off with a good CD, some hot chocolate, or a funny movie. Now I struggle to maintain my once natural identity. Upon noticing this difference (recently it's been absolutely terrible!!) I decided to research the effect of birth control on moods. I was completely relieved to find an entire forum where women posted comments about their similar experiences being on the pill. Luckily I have a doctors appointment scheduled for this week!! It turns out that depression is a side effect of birth control in many women. In fact, the experiences these women described were almost identical to my own. Anxiety - feelings of mistrust. Many women were appalled at themselves and had turbulent relationships because of an increased insecurity and feelings of jealousy. Depression - Majority described themselves as being an emotional wreck, feeling like crying everyday (or actual doing it), having little energy or motivation to do anything, and in general, feeling like there was a rain cloud overhead constantly. Irritability - feeling annoyed and negative towards most people encountered and being angered at the smallest infraction, many mood swings. This pretty much sums up what my last few months has been like. I'm hoping that by consulting my doctor things will change. I could try a new brand, or just quit them (but of course there are other issues that come into play for this choice). Anwyays, I'm just glad to have found some possible explanation for my abundance of abnormal feelings lately. Many of the girls in the forum said that by changing or going off the pill they regained their old selves and felt alot better. Also, I think these pills are giving me acne and an ugly face doesnt help when you're feeling down, haha!