Dear A.

Dear A,

I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.

And then there was one...

Well, technically there was still 3 however two of them only worked on Sundays... Is making it a year a bad goal for jobs that pay crappy? Problem is I go back to school for the next two septembers and januarys and possibly parttime in the spring and summer of 2009. Getting a fulltime well paying job is difficult. I could lie and then quit every september but that doesn't look very good on a resume (if it's an "important" job), where as it doesn't look too bad to have a lower-end parttime job through out the entire year including during school. I want to buy a house one day (a house is big dreams... maybe an apartment or condo?), but i've been told that I need two lines of credit to be accepted for mortgage as well as evidence of a year's employment (for credit score I guess). So far I own a VISA card... and that's about it... I'm still working on the whole "down payment" thing (ie. lottery tickets? j/k). After I graduate I'll get a career and make enough money to actually pay my mortgage by myself. I'm also currently working on "making it" a year at the same job.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.

Workdom

So i am sitting at work right now trying to think of something to do that will keep my eyes from shutting. It's 7:11 am and while most people are just getting up or heading to work now, I have already been at work for two hours. I'm not tired from working early though. I'm tired from a whole week of working early and the thought that I won't get a day off for another thirteen days. It is moments like this one that make me wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It seems like the past few summers have been "learning experiences". I've learned what jobs not to get. But because the summer is nearly over and uni will start very soon, I feel there's no point in quitting and then not making ANY money for the rest of the summer. I might as well stick it out and build the bank account a bit. I can't wait to go back to school. It's like a new years for me. Time to make more resolutions and get organized! (even if it only lasts a week). Plus the more work I do this semester the faster I'll be done my degree and the sooner I can start real life! I'm excited for a "back to school" shopping spree - lululemon, and staples! yay!

Girls Don't Like Boys (Girls like cars and money?)

I was thinking about a few conversations I've had with female friends who are either in a serious relationship or have escaped from one. We were talking about the idea of trust and basically ranting about how certain experiences have caused stress in our relationships. It seems (in most cases) that guys and girls are not on the same page about what trust is. For men it seems, trust is "not cheating", ie. not sleeping with someone else - for them this is a verb, not an idea. The girls I've spoken to seem to emphasize truth and openess more than anything. When I guy goes out with one of his female friends, his girlfriend wants to hear " I am going to (or I went) [insert place here] with my friend (+ her/his name, possibly connection - from work, from school, etc.)" For some reason men feel the need to "disguise" their friend's gender, name, and where they're are going, even in the most trivial senerios. Instead of openly communicating what seems to the girlfriend to be pertanent information, guys will giggle, refer to their friend as "my friend", or just brush it off all together, especially in the afce of questioning. Why not just answer the questions? Male behavior comes across to many girls as being deceptive and this to girls is what destroys trust. It is upon or after being questioned or met with a girlfriend's untrusting glares and hostile attitude toward these vague answers that men get defensive and makes statements like "we're just friends! why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything!" Even if you didn't ask them what they did or not. It is here when it seems men do not understand what part of their answers have caused their girlfriends "jealous" rage (which can actually be explained as fear that her partner is lying due to his apparent "editing" or hiding of the truth). To girls it is plain and simple: If you have nothing to hide hide nothing. Why make a story for something that is "nothing". Why hide your friend's identity if you are indeed "just friends". What is the purpose of that? In my experience, guys have said that they felt the need to lie to avoid having their girlfriend get angry. Here's a bit of insite to all the men out there: WE ARE MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED BECAUSE IT INSIUATES THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN, THAN WE ARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID. For example, if Peter is going to visit his female friend Tracy who just bought a new house, Peter should tell his girldfriend "I am going to visit my firend Tracy because she just bought a new house." This is an upfront honest statement. The following statement will cause Peter's girlfriend to turn evil in a split second: "I am going out with.... a friend," naturally met with the reply,"who?", "no one, just a friend." "where are you going?" "Nowhere." "WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?" "no one... just a friend... she just need some help..." "WHO's SHE? IT's WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT DOES SHE NEED HELP WITH? WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ANOTHER FRIEND?" "Geeze, we are just friends... she just needs some help with some stuff...".

This type of situation may have different endings for different people. For those of us who are "bottlers" this situations sucks cause it eats from the inside out. A friend once told me that one of her greatest relationship lessons was the importance of being more open about her feelings. My friend's who I grew up with shared many of the same MOSTLY male friends with me, and it is my belief now that we were too much exposed to male behaviors and thoughts. For example, after spending time with many guys you might come to the conclusion that it is a man's dreaded fear to have to listen to a women's feelings. This may be true however it does not mean that women should not tell their feeling anyways. It was this thought pattern (combined with perosnality traits of course) that I believe supported the bottling method of dealing with anger and sadness. Instead of sitting down and pulling out the old "serious relationship discussion" or expressing hurt at the time it is "inflicted", we thought it might "scare him away" or cause himt o resent us. However, in the end it only enabled his behavior - leadsing him to believe we were not bothered or would not get upset. In the end, I can not except even his most honest statement, it is my problem and the relationship is not meant to be. If he can not give an honest statement it is now his problem and he may have to face those dreaded little words: "to the left, to the left." So gals, in the words of Aaron Carter " DOn't stress don't stress, don't stress, just tell him to the left left left...". Easier said than done.

I Got Skinned

So I was just having this memory of the worst dermatologist I've ever seen. I'm due for my yearly physical at the doctor, and while I'm there I was planning to ask him to refer me to a DIFFERENT dermatologist. Last time was hell on earth and left me without answers for the misery growing on my face. That was in January after I waited 6 months to get in. The story goes like this: Traffic was terrible that day and even though I left 40 minutes early anticipating it would be hard to find parking, I still ended up being 10 minutes late. Not to worry as doctors are always late themselves and I still spent 20 minutes in the waiting room. I filled out the background information form with difficulty as my hands were stiff and swollen, thawing out because mother nature has no mercy on those who live in Calgary and have to park downtown several blocks from their actual destination. Finally it was my turn. I was relieved and excited to finally be getting some help. It had been almost a year and the same patch of pimples hadn't cleared up, and it seemed like more were starting to pop out. I waited again in the little room until finally the dermatologist arrived. Without introduction he looked at my face and said "Well...what's the problem?" In that slightly annoyed tone as though to say "your problem isn't worth my time. That pizza face kid in the next room will pay for my porshe." Stunned at this doctors lack of empathy for me I tried to politely explain what I was there for ("i have these bumps on my nose, alot of black heads, and these under the skin pimples on my chin that won't go away"). He didn't seem too concerned and then stunned me yet again with his response. I had to hold my tongue as my mind raced through several words I could snap at him. "Well.... What do you want me to do about it?". Excuse me? You're the doctor! Obviously I want you to tell me what I can do to fix it!! I wouldn't be here if I knew what to do about it! I was more than unimpressed by this doctors rude approach to patient interaction, "well, I would like something to help it go away?". "Like what? oral meds, cream..." "Um... (Is this guy for real?) I'd prefer cream before oral medication." With that he wrote a perscription handed it to me and left the room. "Thanks for coming!" said the nurse as I left. I was dissapointed in the brief meeting (totalling approximately 3 minutes), angry at the doctors lack of respect and concern for my problem, and shocked at how unfullfilling my 6 month wait had turned out to be. I arrived twenty minutes later at shoppers to deliver my prescription. As I was standing in line I decided to read my pescription and lucky I did. "Is tetracycline the same as it used to be?" I asked the pharmacist. "Yes" he replied looking alittle bit confused of why I would ask such a silly question. "well... I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this" I said. He typed up my name in the computer and sure enough it was listed under my allergies. You may be thinking this is my fault for not mentioning it to the dermatologist... which would be correct except that I assumed that doctors usually read those background sheets you fill out while you wait in the waiting room. Under allergies I had written tetracycline and minocycline. Apparently this doctor hadn't read my background information, and now on top of feeling insulted by my visit to the dermatologist, it had now become a completely useless experience as i could not even use the prescription that he had given me. No way in hell was I wasting another minute of my life to go back to that office for another encounter with the asshole. My money will go elsewhere. Unfortuneately my story hasn't ended and I am still plagued by the evil chin acne... it's like one of those pooh rolling beetles in my mind that has been rolling one pooh ball after another for so long that I just feel like my face is one massive ball of pooh. I just felt like saying pooh alot.

You Are What You Eat

I've been reading alot of nutritional books lately. Basically to sum them up in a few points:
1) Margarine, hydrogenated vegatable oils, and red meat = too much bad fats
2) Whole grains, vegetables, and fruits = good
3) Regulating blood sugar with low GI foods, small frequent meals and healthy snacks, and cinnimon = good
4) Omega 3 fatty acids = good
5) Limit dairy products
6) Processed foods, flour, and sugar = evil

So far all this seems to be common sense and at a glance would seem like an easy diet to follow - eat healthy, right? So my journey towards a more healthy diet started in my attempt to rid myself of the evil acne plaguing my face. I swear I've had the same zits in the same patch for over a year now and frankly put, it's just plain depressing. I'm twenty one and acne is supposed to be a teenager thing (or so I wish). I tried several strict washing regimes, and creams from the dermotologist too. I was on two different kinds over several months for the past year and a half and the only improvement I saw was that the big nasty cystic zits decreased (thank God).
Then I saw this book called the clear skin diet, which seemed interesting because it was about nutrition (one of my interests) as well as providing some education about skin and acne. Could this be my problem? Now that I've finished that book I'm onto a new book and have another few lined up for later. Edumacation here I come! Upon undertaking this nutritional perspective, although probably good in the long run, in the short term is causing alot of stress. All I want to do is try this way of living, make my own food, sample healthy recipes, etc. but I'm finding I am cramped. It's not that my kitchen is too small, or that the materials and ingredients aren't available (they are all here and more), it's that the kitchen is not mine. The food is not mine. Since I live with my family I can't just go in and weed out all the "bad stuff" in the cupboard and fridge cause it's not mine. For some reason I also find it annoying relying on food my Mom bought and I can't seem to get comfortable cooking in the kitchen because I always feel rushed like I can't just relax and cook. I have to worry about ... something... I can't put my finger on it. I just want my own space with my own cooking supplies and ingredients. I want to move out! I want to cook a meal in MY place and invite my family to eat it. But alas my income is insufficient to buy or rent in Calgary's crazy market. I can't get a full time job because I go back to school in september... I can't get a career without an education in SOMETHING but I'm half way through my degree so I have to finish it off. I guess I'm feeling the need to "grow up" but also feeling trapped or stagnant at the stage right before. Should I just take the plunge and move out? I know my parents would disagree and say its foolish to live beyond my means (wait, am I being like a kid for worrying about the disagreement of my parents?). Right now it just seems as though I am grinding it out... and life will start in two years on the completion of my degree. In the meantime things will go as they must... I'm just scared that something won't wait for me that long. Basically this rant is about how my attempt to reform my life in the way of nutrition has lead me on a domino path of thoughts and to the realization that these things are ultimately connected - moving one string in the web has caused strain on the others - unless the whole web can be moved somehow... and I ate a Mr.Big icecream bar today... I'm off to a good start...