Workdom

So i am sitting at work right now trying to think of something to do that will keep my eyes from shutting. It's 7:11 am and while most people are just getting up or heading to work now, I have already been at work for two hours. I'm not tired from working early though. I'm tired from a whole week of working early and the thought that I won't get a day off for another thirteen days. It is moments like this one that make me wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It seems like the past few summers have been "learning experiences". I've learned what jobs not to get. But because the summer is nearly over and uni will start very soon, I feel there's no point in quitting and then not making ANY money for the rest of the summer. I might as well stick it out and build the bank account a bit. I can't wait to go back to school. It's like a new years for me. Time to make more resolutions and get organized! (even if it only lasts a week). Plus the more work I do this semester the faster I'll be done my degree and the sooner I can start real life! I'm excited for a "back to school" shopping spree - lululemon, and staples! yay!

Girls Don't Like Boys (Girls like cars and money?)

I was thinking about a few conversations I've had with female friends who are either in a serious relationship or have escaped from one. We were talking about the idea of trust and basically ranting about how certain experiences have caused stress in our relationships. It seems (in most cases) that guys and girls are not on the same page about what trust is. For men it seems, trust is "not cheating", ie. not sleeping with someone else - for them this is a verb, not an idea. The girls I've spoken to seem to emphasize truth and openess more than anything. When I guy goes out with one of his female friends, his girlfriend wants to hear " I am going to (or I went) [insert place here] with my friend (+ her/his name, possibly connection - from work, from school, etc.)" For some reason men feel the need to "disguise" their friend's gender, name, and where they're are going, even in the most trivial senerios. Instead of openly communicating what seems to the girlfriend to be pertanent information, guys will giggle, refer to their friend as "my friend", or just brush it off all together, especially in the afce of questioning. Why not just answer the questions? Male behavior comes across to many girls as being deceptive and this to girls is what destroys trust. It is upon or after being questioned or met with a girlfriend's untrusting glares and hostile attitude toward these vague answers that men get defensive and makes statements like "we're just friends! why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything!" Even if you didn't ask them what they did or not. It is here when it seems men do not understand what part of their answers have caused their girlfriends "jealous" rage (which can actually be explained as fear that her partner is lying due to his apparent "editing" or hiding of the truth). To girls it is plain and simple: If you have nothing to hide hide nothing. Why make a story for something that is "nothing". Why hide your friend's identity if you are indeed "just friends". What is the purpose of that? In my experience, guys have said that they felt the need to lie to avoid having their girlfriend get angry. Here's a bit of insite to all the men out there: WE ARE MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED BECAUSE IT INSIUATES THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN, THAN WE ARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID. For example, if Peter is going to visit his female friend Tracy who just bought a new house, Peter should tell his girldfriend "I am going to visit my firend Tracy because she just bought a new house." This is an upfront honest statement. The following statement will cause Peter's girlfriend to turn evil in a split second: "I am going out with.... a friend," naturally met with the reply,"who?", "no one, just a friend." "where are you going?" "Nowhere." "WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?" "no one... just a friend... she just need some help..." "WHO's SHE? IT's WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT DOES SHE NEED HELP WITH? WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ANOTHER FRIEND?" "Geeze, we are just friends... she just needs some help with some stuff...".

This type of situation may have different endings for different people. For those of us who are "bottlers" this situations sucks cause it eats from the inside out. A friend once told me that one of her greatest relationship lessons was the importance of being more open about her feelings. My friend's who I grew up with shared many of the same MOSTLY male friends with me, and it is my belief now that we were too much exposed to male behaviors and thoughts. For example, after spending time with many guys you might come to the conclusion that it is a man's dreaded fear to have to listen to a women's feelings. This may be true however it does not mean that women should not tell their feeling anyways. It was this thought pattern (combined with perosnality traits of course) that I believe supported the bottling method of dealing with anger and sadness. Instead of sitting down and pulling out the old "serious relationship discussion" or expressing hurt at the time it is "inflicted", we thought it might "scare him away" or cause himt o resent us. However, in the end it only enabled his behavior - leadsing him to believe we were not bothered or would not get upset. In the end, I can not except even his most honest statement, it is my problem and the relationship is not meant to be. If he can not give an honest statement it is now his problem and he may have to face those dreaded little words: "to the left, to the left." So gals, in the words of Aaron Carter " DOn't stress don't stress, don't stress, just tell him to the left left left...". Easier said than done.

I Got Skinned

So I was just having this memory of the worst dermatologist I've ever seen. I'm due for my yearly physical at the doctor, and while I'm there I was planning to ask him to refer me to a DIFFERENT dermatologist. Last time was hell on earth and left me without answers for the misery growing on my face. That was in January after I waited 6 months to get in. The story goes like this: Traffic was terrible that day and even though I left 40 minutes early anticipating it would be hard to find parking, I still ended up being 10 minutes late. Not to worry as doctors are always late themselves and I still spent 20 minutes in the waiting room. I filled out the background information form with difficulty as my hands were stiff and swollen, thawing out because mother nature has no mercy on those who live in Calgary and have to park downtown several blocks from their actual destination. Finally it was my turn. I was relieved and excited to finally be getting some help. It had been almost a year and the same patch of pimples hadn't cleared up, and it seemed like more were starting to pop out. I waited again in the little room until finally the dermatologist arrived. Without introduction he looked at my face and said "Well...what's the problem?" In that slightly annoyed tone as though to say "your problem isn't worth my time. That pizza face kid in the next room will pay for my porshe." Stunned at this doctors lack of empathy for me I tried to politely explain what I was there for ("i have these bumps on my nose, alot of black heads, and these under the skin pimples on my chin that won't go away"). He didn't seem too concerned and then stunned me yet again with his response. I had to hold my tongue as my mind raced through several words I could snap at him. "Well.... What do you want me to do about it?". Excuse me? You're the doctor! Obviously I want you to tell me what I can do to fix it!! I wouldn't be here if I knew what to do about it! I was more than unimpressed by this doctors rude approach to patient interaction, "well, I would like something to help it go away?". "Like what? oral meds, cream..." "Um... (Is this guy for real?) I'd prefer cream before oral medication." With that he wrote a perscription handed it to me and left the room. "Thanks for coming!" said the nurse as I left. I was dissapointed in the brief meeting (totalling approximately 3 minutes), angry at the doctors lack of respect and concern for my problem, and shocked at how unfullfilling my 6 month wait had turned out to be. I arrived twenty minutes later at shoppers to deliver my prescription. As I was standing in line I decided to read my pescription and lucky I did. "Is tetracycline the same as it used to be?" I asked the pharmacist. "Yes" he replied looking alittle bit confused of why I would ask such a silly question. "well... I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this" I said. He typed up my name in the computer and sure enough it was listed under my allergies. You may be thinking this is my fault for not mentioning it to the dermatologist... which would be correct except that I assumed that doctors usually read those background sheets you fill out while you wait in the waiting room. Under allergies I had written tetracycline and minocycline. Apparently this doctor hadn't read my background information, and now on top of feeling insulted by my visit to the dermatologist, it had now become a completely useless experience as i could not even use the prescription that he had given me. No way in hell was I wasting another minute of my life to go back to that office for another encounter with the asshole. My money will go elsewhere. Unfortuneately my story hasn't ended and I am still plagued by the evil chin acne... it's like one of those pooh rolling beetles in my mind that has been rolling one pooh ball after another for so long that I just feel like my face is one massive ball of pooh. I just felt like saying pooh alot.

You Are What You Eat

I've been reading alot of nutritional books lately. Basically to sum them up in a few points:
1) Margarine, hydrogenated vegatable oils, and red meat = too much bad fats
2) Whole grains, vegetables, and fruits = good
3) Regulating blood sugar with low GI foods, small frequent meals and healthy snacks, and cinnimon = good
4) Omega 3 fatty acids = good
5) Limit dairy products
6) Processed foods, flour, and sugar = evil

So far all this seems to be common sense and at a glance would seem like an easy diet to follow - eat healthy, right? So my journey towards a more healthy diet started in my attempt to rid myself of the evil acne plaguing my face. I swear I've had the same zits in the same patch for over a year now and frankly put, it's just plain depressing. I'm twenty one and acne is supposed to be a teenager thing (or so I wish). I tried several strict washing regimes, and creams from the dermotologist too. I was on two different kinds over several months for the past year and a half and the only improvement I saw was that the big nasty cystic zits decreased (thank God).
Then I saw this book called the clear skin diet, which seemed interesting because it was about nutrition (one of my interests) as well as providing some education about skin and acne. Could this be my problem? Now that I've finished that book I'm onto a new book and have another few lined up for later. Edumacation here I come! Upon undertaking this nutritional perspective, although probably good in the long run, in the short term is causing alot of stress. All I want to do is try this way of living, make my own food, sample healthy recipes, etc. but I'm finding I am cramped. It's not that my kitchen is too small, or that the materials and ingredients aren't available (they are all here and more), it's that the kitchen is not mine. The food is not mine. Since I live with my family I can't just go in and weed out all the "bad stuff" in the cupboard and fridge cause it's not mine. For some reason I also find it annoying relying on food my Mom bought and I can't seem to get comfortable cooking in the kitchen because I always feel rushed like I can't just relax and cook. I have to worry about ... something... I can't put my finger on it. I just want my own space with my own cooking supplies and ingredients. I want to move out! I want to cook a meal in MY place and invite my family to eat it. But alas my income is insufficient to buy or rent in Calgary's crazy market. I can't get a full time job because I go back to school in september... I can't get a career without an education in SOMETHING but I'm half way through my degree so I have to finish it off. I guess I'm feeling the need to "grow up" but also feeling trapped or stagnant at the stage right before. Should I just take the plunge and move out? I know my parents would disagree and say its foolish to live beyond my means (wait, am I being like a kid for worrying about the disagreement of my parents?). Right now it just seems as though I am grinding it out... and life will start in two years on the completion of my degree. In the meantime things will go as they must... I'm just scared that something won't wait for me that long. Basically this rant is about how my attempt to reform my life in the way of nutrition has lead me on a domino path of thoughts and to the realization that these things are ultimately connected - moving one string in the web has caused strain on the others - unless the whole web can be moved somehow... and I ate a Mr.Big icecream bar today... I'm off to a good start...

Girl Talk

Help! I need a female friend who actually would at least pretend she wants to hear my girly problems. I feel a lack of female companionship, especially when things get rough in the 'ol boyfriend department. I have a few girl friends but I don't see them often, and the ones i do see often have some kind of issue with boys and get annoyed everytime i bring up my boyfriends name. My sister seems to be the only one who will listen to me, but I feel embarrassed telling her problems like that, like she will log it away in her brain to use as a weapon in the future of sisterly conflicts. And of course, the guys aren't very interested. They seem to take my problems as evidence of a lack of compassion for THEIR problems (WIM - Whoa is me). Instead of having someone to listen and give advice it becomes a "well look at all the things happening to ME" type conversation. I feel like I always end up being the listener and never the teller... and in the end having alot to say and no one to say it to.

Title

Last night I did a 45 minute presentation with a partner in my kinesiology class. We lectured on chapter 8 of out text book (conveniently written by our professor). Public speaking has always been one of my weaknesses. I dreaded this March 24 at the thought of myself standing in front of my fellow class mates "teaching" them information I knew only just as well (and possible even less) than some of them. I imagined myself stuttering, slipping on my words, with sweat marks growing under neath my arm pits. At the end they would bombared me with questions and my mind would go blank as i rambled some random answer met with smug faces of disapointment. But as a somewhat nuerotic individual, this was me preparing for the worst possible scenerio (not including peeing or letting one rip out of nervousness in front of everyone, that's going a bit far, although I did think of it in "what if" terms at one point. At 5:30pm we took our stand infront of the class. Our powerpoint project was tweaked and ready to go. We had three well thought out quiz questions at the beggining. Things were going well. My partner was first, introducing the topic and delving into some background information. She was doing excellent. At last the moment of truth arrived. I stood up and to my own surprise my voice rang out loud, clear, and free of stutters. My mind was flowing, the words were stringing together like some magical chain (yes, bad simile, i know). I was exceeding even my practice performance (strength in numbers?). By the end of the presentation I was relieved that it was over. I had a good feeling that I knew what I had done right and what I would be criticized on. We waited to receive our feedback forms. Amazing. I felt so satisfied with myself, like I had conquered a fear, and destroyed Goliath. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, like twenty pats on my back. The thing that most stuck in my mind was the comments regarding me and my partner's team work. We did an excellent job keeping the flow of the presentation - one of us manned the power point while the other spoke. I also received compliments on my ability to maintain eye contact with the class while reading my notes clearly and appearing to be very knowledgeable on the topic. It may seem as though I like to toot my own horn, but hey, once in awhile you have to give yourself credit for a job well done, especially when it was extremely challenging. It important to remember positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. To sum up, basically I feel like I've added an accomplishment to my life's resume and now have an experience under my belt to take with me and use in similar future situations. One last thing I need to mention is that I felt as though my partner and I had been able to deliever a formal presentation, choked full of important information while still maintaining a lighthearted peer relationship with our classmates.

Vacations

Man, I need a vacation. Or maybe I just need to move... somewhere far away and start all over. Why do I feel like this? I don't know. It could be the stresses of school. I've come to the conclusion that work in university is way more stressful if it doesn't seem necessary. In one of my classes it feels like I have an unnecessarily large work load... why can't i just learn the material and spit it out on a test like every other class? It's not like i don't learn anything that way, which is what some people claim. Why should i be punished for someone else's poor ability to learn via multiple choice testing strategies? This class requires me and a partner to make a lecture for the class on a given chapter (i have chapter 10). The lecture must include a PowerPoint presentation and an audience participation activity. I guess I have to read my book a few weeks in advance - pooooo! Then, the midterm is no ordinary midterm. It consists of three questions which the teacher has already posted on blackboard. The catch? They are essay questions, which the teacher expects to be perfect and in depth since we've had time to look over the questions in advance and " make outlines". She also suggests we meet with groups in the class and discuss the questions and answers. My crazy group just happen to be a bunch of keeners and people with only one or 2 classes this semester. The first meeting they already had a lot of research done. Since I was busy with other classes and midterms for that week I had just started reading the questions and basically felt like an idiot the whole time - not a confidence booster. Aside from this midterm research, and lecture thing, we also have a final project which we must soon start. It is to "train" a client on how to use something called the quiet eye in sports, then right a report on our findings. If i only had one or two classes this would be alright and possibly even fun, but i also have another class with a final project due as well as several more labs. It just feels like my brain is split into so many areas this semester its hard to keep track of school and the rest of life. So that's my vent for today. In other news... stress has also arisen in the friendship area of life. I was talking to some people i work with who feel the same as me . They work all day talking to people, training people, some go to school as well, and in the down time they just want to go home and relax. However, there are always other people (ie. friends) whose lives are different and would like your down time to be time spent with them. Sometimes they don't understand that you just want to sleep or sit at home alone and watch some good ol' TV. I totally understand that frustration. You don't want to answer the phone, you don't feel like explaining yourself all the time. This may also be the reason for reluctance to make long term plans (eg. committing to a party that happens next weekend, what if you don't feel like going then?) What's wrong with hanging out once every couple weeks? I imagine, as it is for me, that this becomes more frustrating when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to spend time with in your down time. Now you have the problem of trying to explain that in your tiredness you just want to go home and cuddle... you're under pressure to split your time, weigh your priorities and values, and in doing so run the risk of angering and/or even losing friends ( some of which need/demand more time than others). Solution? How 'bout combine friends and boyfriend for some of your free time - kill two birds with one stone. Easy right? As I have discovered it is easier said than done. Friends see you and your boyfriend as an item - or in less nice terms, as you with something attached that divides your attention and makes things "awkward". You see it as a chance for everyone to become friends and to join two opposing groups in harmony - this is my Utopian vision. But I won't jump into generalizations fully - this situation of course depends on the personalities of those involved. I enjoy having all my friends join together no matter who they are or what history we have. I believe awkwardness is what you make it - it depends on your perspective. For example, a lull in conversation, an awkward pause? or an opportunity to reflect on previous conversation or to go do a different task and give your mind a break? Being the third wheel, awkward feeling of being left out? or chance to spend time with your friend while they are happiest and see another side/influence in their life? Unfortunately I don't believe most people see things in the most "positive" light and because of this I believe they limit themselves in a lot of ways. It is frustrating to experience this barrier to my Utopian vision. haha Maybe I'm just too sensitive... that's my parent's criticism.