Tuesday this week was the only day that I felt the world had slowed down for me. Finally, all I wanted was some time to grieve my losses without life pulling me forward into everyday routine and hassle. I'll admit, I had tonnes of fun these last few weeks but somehow I still felt like I was being rushed... there was no time between exams and parties (all of a sudden a never ending stream of party invites I could actually attend and I haven't been out for months!). Yesterday I slept in, and aside from a physiology lab and a midterm exam lingering in the back of my mind, i managed to have an emotionally productive day. Aside from a bit of studying, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched a horror movie called "the strangers" (super scary, recommend watching in the dark). Then I watched Monday night's recording of Heroes. Then I had supper and went to my soccer game. I guess my mind was occupied with lighter things all day.
I also had a great philosophical discussion (mostly with my own mind and some with my mom) about life paths. It stemmed from a memory I had about a tarot card reading my friend and I did about 2 summers ago (the beginning of our stampede tradition). The lady told my friend that she would find a great job and be successful in it and that she should look into the oil industry. Then she told me that my friend would be there to support me while she was becoming successful because I would be going through a heartbreak. On one hand I feel like I screwed up my own fate, possibly unconsciously due to self fulfilling prophecy. Why did that lady put that in my mind? Was she really psychic? Is it just a coincidence? Or did she doom me unintentionally?
A more comforting answer I came up with is this: If in fact, the future is predetermined (provided it can be predicted by a psychic), then if what is predicted turns out to be true that must mean that you made all the right decisions on your quest into the future because you ended up in the exact place you were suppose to be. Que sera sera?
I once read a Bijan book called "effortless prosperity" and one of the stories in the book came to mind. He spoke of an ongoing off and on relationship he had. Each time they encountered the same problems and broke up, only to come back together remembering the good experiences they had. Eventually the stress became too much and he had to move on. He compared his relationship to a river intersecting his life path. In order to continue his path he needed to take the boat across the river. However, once he got to the other side he would decide to get back on the boat (return to his girlfriend). He realized he was only going back and forth on the river and that he was meant to move on in order to move forward. Once he got off the boat the final time, he was able to move down his path again. I like that comparison because it doesn't trivialize the events you shared with an ex. It was never a waste of time. You had to get on that boat and cross that river in order to continue, but you must choose to accept what is and move forward.
*In this paragraph I will describe how this situation can be related to physics* So if Bijan was on the boat, and he needed to cross the river to continue his path and the river was X meters long, then his displacement would be X meters at the other side. Therefore in his life, his relationship would have accounted for X amount of displacement on his life path. Because he kept staying on the boat his distance increased. He added nxX (n is the number of times he crossed the river) meters onto his life journey but because his ultimate displacement was still X, essentially he did not move forward in his life despite his added distance. *end*
So I think I could write a whole philosophy book on this. Maybe I will. I'll leave more for another day. My brain is starting to get ahead of me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I Like Metaphores and Similes
Today I will discuss and idea that has been plaguing my brain this week and has probably developed as some kind of survival mechanism for depressing times, much like the purpose of humour (or so I believe). Today I will discuss how relationships are alot like jobs.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.
And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.
And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Hurricane
The eye of the storm past quicker than I could ever imagined. I guess I was just lingering on the edge of denial. I knew it was bad. I didn't want it to be true. It wasn't just their friendship that made me nervous alone. It wasn't the 4am phone calls (and every other hour of the wee morning), or the intimate conversations they had, or his willingness to do anything she asked (but yet not for me?)... okay, that's what started it. It built and built. What if I'm just over reacting? Obviously she's just a friend... maybe I have trust issues. Friend or not, I was disiullusioned by the constant "hiding". He was afraid to tell me he was talking to her so he changed her name on his phone to Mike and refused to answer when I was around. Why? I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I politely confronted on several occasions and told him i felt uncomfortable about their late night early morning phone calls. I told I would appreciate it if when I asked him about her or what they did he would tell me openly and honestly - well... read my earlier blogs and you'll discover that my request was blatantly ignored. The climax: "who's mike?"... "a friend."... "why don't you answer it?" (he always ALWAYS answers his phone)... "i don't want to talk to him." ..." How come?"... "you ask too many questions." "where's mike from?" "I don't know" "oh...". Later on I called that number (as snoopy as this seems I had a strong strong feeling of suspicion): "Hi, is Mike there?" "no, you must have the wrong number." "Oh sorry." an hour later... "Hi is [SHE] there?" "SHE's out right now, can I take a message?" "No, that's okay, thanks."
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.
You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.
I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.
You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.
I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Milestones
Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.
Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.
Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Backstreet's Back!!! ALRIGHT!
On Tuesday night I fulfilled a childhood dream. A friend and I did everything possible to make the experience as great as it could be and we succeeded. We reached ("touch the sweat! Reach farther! You want to feel the essence!"), we screamed (oh boy did we scream! "Omg!! AHHHH, I love you nick carter, marry me!!"), and we sang every word of every song as loud as possible. We weren't alone in this fanatisism. 8000 other girls filled the saddledome screaming and crying for the backstreet boys. They first arrived on the music radar when I was in grade 2. In grade the upper grades of elementary school they busted out their two most popular albums Backstreet's Back and Millenium, both which I proudly own and have carried them over into the new age of ipodness. In Junior High Black & Blue came out and more recently in 2007 (i think), Unbreakable came out. As far as I'm concerned the backstreet boys are legends of my generation and tuesday was a night of celebrating good times and good memories of the 90s. I remember my mom and I singing You Are My Fire on our way to a soccer game. And one summer I listened to the Millenium CD over and over on our vacation to the Okanagan. To see them in concert was AMAZING to say the least. They were excellent performers, and despite that most of the group is married and in their thirties, they still managed to bring their boyish charm to the table and cause thousands of girls to scream and reach for them (even those of us on the 2nd level! lol). One thing I will note is that Nick Carter is smoking hot in real life. He was never my favourite backstreet boy by Tuesday may have converted me to a NIck Carter lover - good times, good times.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Dear A.
Dear A,
I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.
I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.
Monday, July 28, 2008
And then there was one...
Well, technically there was still 3 however two of them only worked on Sundays... Is making it a year a bad goal for jobs that pay crappy? Problem is I go back to school for the next two septembers and januarys and possibly parttime in the spring and summer of 2009. Getting a fulltime well paying job is difficult. I could lie and then quit every september but that doesn't look very good on a resume (if it's an "important" job), where as it doesn't look too bad to have a lower-end parttime job through out the entire year including during school. I want to buy a house one day (a house is big dreams... maybe an apartment or condo?), but i've been told that I need two lines of credit to be accepted for mortgage as well as evidence of a year's employment (for credit score I guess). So far I own a VISA card... and that's about it... I'm still working on the whole "down payment" thing (ie. lottery tickets? j/k). After I graduate I'll get a career and make enough money to actually pay my mortgage by myself. I'm also currently working on "making it" a year at the same job.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)