Clinging

Fuck. I'm so pissed off. Oh yeah, Happy New Years btw. I don't understand... why do people not realize that the more they attempt to make you angry the more angrier you will become and the farther away from their ultimate goal they will get. I'm so bad at hurting people... it's like a slow painful death when it should be as quick as a guillotine. It's because I'm never sure of my own feelings. I'm caught between the grey area of a clean breakup and a fight between good friends. At least that's how it started. Now I've been pissed off yet again and am starting to see where I'm standing. It's like I've been wondering through fog looking for a distinct line and now I see one emerging... coming into focus. Maybe it's more like bad doctoring. Like keeping someone on life support in hopes that they may suddenly jump up in full swing ready to salsa dance the night away with only happiness and love in their heart. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this one... and watch it fizzle away... it's always sad to lose someone but not as much as watching them suffer. I suppose I could blame it on my moral upbringing - pulling the plug is just as good as putting a bullet to their brain... I'm not one to go down without a fight, even in the most seemingly hopeless situation, and maybe this is the ONLY situation when it's ok to give up... just maybe.<

Heartless?

Told all your friends your ugly tale 'bout a girl who cried and screamed and yelled, and told you not to speak to her and made you love her and then just left you there... how cold. I wish they knew, I wish they knew, the real you. I wish they knew 'bout all the stuff you didn't do, all the stuff I did for you, all the missing thank-yous (where'd your manners go?). I wish they didn't still believe, you only hurt the ones you love, well then I guess you really did love me.

Now you say I'm so evil, so bad news, stay away from her, that girl's a heart breaker. She's got my blood on her hands, look at her just walking around but she don't understand, how I changed, I'm a new man. Take me back... but in the same breathe you just said all that crap...

We're on the phone at 2 am, you're tryna get me back, buy me things and reminisce bout back then. What are you doing for NYE? you ask, But when I tell you my plans you just get mad, why you gonna go out and do that? Fine, I'm going to go out with all the pretty girls I met - okay, sounds fun - AND I'm gonna kiss at midnight with that girl you didn't like...

I'm never coming back if you don't want me to have fun, you're trying to bring my anger back, maybe that's why you're home alone, waiting by the telephone, ever thought of that? I'm second guessing that chance I gave you , cause you're just trying to make me as miserable as you. Is that what a friend is suppose to do? That's what a boyfriend is suppose to do when he leaves his girl at home to sit around alone like some little house wife. Well you found out that I aint that nice.

Do whatever I said before 'cause you want me back, well that was then, this is now and it don't work like that. Now all your friends say I'm controlling, maybe if they knew about your lying they'd undestand the whole thing. I hate it how you turn it around and play the victim, like I'm the mean one for leaving you, for "giving up" on you. You know there's a reason for that too. You think I didn't try to work it through? I couldn't even get through to you when I'm crying, I'm burning, it's dying, and you keep throwing fuel on the fire. You just don't get it. I'm too tired to fight anymore, I just let it burn, burn to the floor. And now you're getting mad at me (again), can't even be a friend to me (the fundamental part). I guess that's something we'll never be because you just want more and more and more. All you want is more.


This was inspired by Kanye West's "Heartless" which I believe represents the perspective of my ex(s). This is the female rebuttle... or part of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWzlD7Lc6w8

Will Power

I am so confused!! He wants to dance.... I want to dance too.... but I don't want him to want me back because I'm just not ready to trust him. Maybe I never will (most likely). We agreed to be friends and we are, but I also want him to beable to move on, and myself as well.

Life Goes On

Tuesday this week was the only day that I felt the world had slowed down for me. Finally, all I wanted was some time to grieve my losses without life pulling me forward into everyday routine and hassle. I'll admit, I had tonnes of fun these last few weeks but somehow I still felt like I was being rushed... there was no time between exams and parties (all of a sudden a never ending stream of party invites I could actually attend and I haven't been out for months!). Yesterday I slept in, and aside from a physiology lab and a midterm exam lingering in the back of my mind, i managed to have an emotionally productive day. Aside from a bit of studying, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched a horror movie called "the strangers" (super scary, recommend watching in the dark). Then I watched Monday night's recording of Heroes. Then I had supper and went to my soccer game. I guess my mind was occupied with lighter things all day.

I also had a great philosophical discussion (mostly with my own mind and some with my mom) about life paths. It stemmed from a memory I had about a tarot card reading my friend and I did about 2 summers ago (the beginning of our stampede tradition). The lady told my friend that she would find a great job and be successful in it and that she should look into the oil industry. Then she told me that my friend would be there to support me while she was becoming successful because I would be going through a heartbreak. On one hand I feel like I screwed up my own fate, possibly unconsciously due to self fulfilling prophecy. Why did that lady put that in my mind? Was she really psychic? Is it just a coincidence? Or did she doom me unintentionally?

A more comforting answer I came up with is this: If in fact, the future is predetermined (provided it can be predicted by a psychic), then if what is predicted turns out to be true that must mean that you made all the right decisions on your quest into the future because you ended up in the exact place you were suppose to be. Que sera sera?

I once read a Bijan book called "effortless prosperity" and one of the stories in the book came to mind. He spoke of an ongoing off and on relationship he had. Each time they encountered the same problems and broke up, only to come back together remembering the good experiences they had. Eventually the stress became too much and he had to move on. He compared his relationship to a river intersecting his life path. In order to continue his path he needed to take the boat across the river. However, once he got to the other side he would decide to get back on the boat (return to his girlfriend). He realized he was only going back and forth on the river and that he was meant to move on in order to move forward. Once he got off the boat the final time, he was able to move down his path again. I like that comparison because it doesn't trivialize the events you shared with an ex. It was never a waste of time. You had to get on that boat and cross that river in order to continue, but you must choose to accept what is and move forward.

*In this paragraph I will describe how this situation can be related to physics* So if Bijan was on the boat, and he needed to cross the river to continue his path and the river was X meters long, then his displacement would be X meters at the other side. Therefore in his life, his relationship would have accounted for X amount of displacement on his life path. Because he kept staying on the boat his distance increased. He added nxX (n is the number of times he crossed the river) meters onto his life journey but because his ultimate displacement was still X, essentially he did not move forward in his life despite his added distance. *end*

So I think I could write a whole philosophy book on this. Maybe I will. I'll leave more for another day. My brain is starting to get ahead of me.

I Like Metaphores and Similes

Today I will discuss and idea that has been plaguing my brain this week and has probably developed as some kind of survival mechanism for depressing times, much like the purpose of humour (or so I believe). Today I will discuss how relationships are alot like jobs.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.

And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.

Hurricane

The eye of the storm past quicker than I could ever imagined. I guess I was just lingering on the edge of denial. I knew it was bad. I didn't want it to be true. It wasn't just their friendship that made me nervous alone. It wasn't the 4am phone calls (and every other hour of the wee morning), or the intimate conversations they had, or his willingness to do anything she asked (but yet not for me?)... okay, that's what started it. It built and built. What if I'm just over reacting? Obviously she's just a friend... maybe I have trust issues. Friend or not, I was disiullusioned by the constant "hiding". He was afraid to tell me he was talking to her so he changed her name on his phone to Mike and refused to answer when I was around. Why? I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I politely confronted on several occasions and told him i felt uncomfortable about their late night early morning phone calls. I told I would appreciate it if when I asked him about her or what they did he would tell me openly and honestly - well... read my earlier blogs and you'll discover that my request was blatantly ignored. The climax: "who's mike?"... "a friend."... "why don't you answer it?" (he always ALWAYS answers his phone)... "i don't want to talk to him." ..." How come?"... "you ask too many questions." "where's mike from?" "I don't know" "oh...". Later on I called that number (as snoopy as this seems I had a strong strong feeling of suspicion): "Hi, is Mike there?" "no, you must have the wrong number." "Oh sorry." an hour later... "Hi is [SHE] there?" "SHE's out right now, can I take a message?" "No, that's okay, thanks."
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.

You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.

I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.

Milestones

Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.

Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.