Who woulda thunk it?

Sooo.... this is kind of a continuation of the last blog I guess - an update shall we say?

I went out for dinner with my friend. It was awesome. It felt like I found my soul mate. It's almost scarey... is this even possible? The next line will reassure you of this fact for sure (lol):

He brought me flowers!!! OMG *insert girly moment of insane giggling and shortness of breath here* I haven't gotten flowers since high school... and definitely not on the first date! wow. talk about romantic. hahaha as for the juicey details... i think i'll leave some mystery and you can find that out later. ;-)

Whoa WHOA Whoa. And Giddyup!

SO some weird stuff has happened... I dipped my toe into the sea of online dating and got a profile on plenty of fish.com. As I expected... a lot of uninteresting messages came and nothing truly amazing happened. I did see this one guy but I have a feeling I've been indirectly rejected as it would seem I can now fully relate to that movie "he's just not that into you". BUT like the movie suggests, hopes don't die easily and because my rejection was little more than a failure to return messages within a certain "reasonable" amount of days I can still feel some crushlike feeling clinging there for dear life... He also called me "bud" in a facebook chat which struck me slightly odd, like maybe it was an attempt to hint that the possibility of more than "buds" is not there. I don't know... Or maybe I do but don't want to admit. I'm thinking of waiting a bit longer and then just straight up asking "hey, have I been indirectly rejected? just wondering..." I don't like being in the dark.
As one door closes, another door opens. Or should I say one door slightly closes and another seems to be unlocked... dilemmas dilemnas. So another guy fully just admitted he has a crush one me. Problem is he's a friend. And not just a normal type friend because that would make things much simpler. Instead, he a friend that is part of "the group" so there's that issue with "group dynamic" and more than likely future drama. I'm trying to remain calm and just "go with the flow" or in the words of Rhianna "live your life hey eeeeheeheh!" What can you do eh? We could ingore it or we could not ignore it. I don't know. You've probably figured out by now that I'm not an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just plain confusing. I'm thinking I should live my life (like the song), check out every possibility and take a really long time to come to decisions, unless immediate action is warranted - that rarely occurs.

Personal Goals to Improve Interpersonal Relationships

Well, a lot of stupid drama has occurred lately as I have explained in earlier blogs (sort of). In light of this situation I've come to a common sensicle conclusion allowing me to set a few personal goals that will hopefully make my life easier in the future. They are mainly obvious, and mostly meant to redirect me back to a path that I somehow wondered off of so I can live my life according to my true values, and not according to momentary reactions or feelings. It will be difficult but I am sincerely prepared to alter my interractions for what i believe will be a better outcome. Along with every goal are a few process goals. I will state them here in order to have a written record not easily lost in the muddle of thoughts that is my brain.

1. Never speak about friends in a negative way behind their back regardless of the intensity of emotion that I feel in the moment. I will begin by changing "rants" into praises and simply saying "I don't want to talk about it" when someone insists on gossiping, or by annoying the gossiper with praise about the person they are cutting down. ha
2. Find a third party confidante who is trustworthy. Even if I have to go to councellor or something I will not use any person who doesn't want that position, or who has proven in some way that they are untrustworth with my feelings. This may mean a reevaluation of close frienships. I realize this goal slightly conflicts with the first, however, being realistic, I also realize that it is unhealthy to bottle emotions and sometimes having a social support network is necessary. It would probably not hurt to have someone to ask advice of or to help me sort out emotions about particularly stressful incidents.
3. The truth will set you free (or "honesty is always the best policy except for when its not" haha). I had this goal awhile back. I consider myself a pretty honest person already so the problem is not really so much with honesty as it is with expressing feelings. If someone pisses me off I will confront them in a mature manner (face to face) and tell them my feelings (without being accusative or anything just, "I am feeling angry because this happened"). Then I will enagge in active listening. I will also use my newly learned stress coping skills to calm my mind and body, and problem solve with clear thoughts. I think I've been doing better at this one than I used to, but part of good goal setting is reevaluation and review. My main goal thou is to avoid getting tangled in a mess ro making things worse which brings me back to goal 1.

off on a tangent: Is drama the most appropraite label for conflicts and interpersonal difficulties? Or does it make things worse by suggesting it is somehow a created thing for the purpose of entertainment, giving those involved "permission" to carry it on and make it bigger? Subjectively the use of the label drama might imply that problems are made better or made more entertaining the bigger they are, paralleling the use of drama in the arts and entertainment industries. The more shocking the drama, the more tragic the outcome, or the bigger the rollercoaster the more popular the story. Maybe we subjectively desensitize ourselves, and minimize the REAL effect of conflict on people's mental and physical well being by labelling normal occurances in our lives as drama. Maybe by labelling it in purely factual terms (conflict, difficulty, problem) the situation would be interpreted more realistically and be taken more seriously, instead of exagerated or catastrophized.

Type A?

I'm in school for the spring semester. I heard it was hard. I also heard it was easy. So I took my chances and gambled on medium. But I have since discovered that it is actually pretty hard - not "hard" but alot of work. I'm behind already and at this pace it will take me a full 48 hours or reading and studying to catch up. We have a midterm on thursday - ALREADY! I missed the first day of school due to a Vegas trip so for me, there has only been 3 classes and now I'm being tested. OMG. On my days out of school I am working. In the evening playing soccer and attempting to take time out for social activities that seem to pile up this time of year. On Sunday was my only "true" day off. I had nothing planned except to read a chapter of my book which I accomplished while enjoying the beautiful sunshine. At the end of Sunday I was exhausted! I couldn't figure out why I was so tired since I hadn't done anything all day. Then my mom suggested it was due to an entire weeks worth of business without rest. Maybe she was right. But it won't slow down anytime soon - I'll just have to maximize my time management and efficiency and hope I don't have some kind of mental break down. Just looking forward to the summer!

Friendship Woes

Man. I wish my friends could see how their drama between eachother effects my life. I feel like they don't even consider my feelings... I'm always stuck in the middle, trying to maintain a level head... I don't want to have to worry about the akwardness of hanging out with two people who have decided they don't like eachother due to plans made before this happened. It's not fair to me. I wish they would have just been honest in the first place so I could've made different decisions. It's not my job to mediate a fight that isnt mine. It's not my fight and I don't want anything to do with it. I just want people to put aside their differences for at least one night as a favor to me OR to decide themselves whether or not they want to back out. I shouldn't be put in a position of "taking sides" or being asked without words to "uninvite" people. It makes me feel like people don't appreciate my gesture of inviting them (which makes it slightly easier to take sides if this is only coming from one end) and would rather force their problems on me. Solve your own issues. This is not my problem. As far as I'm concerned everything is fine and dandy and things will go along as planned - but as reality suggests otherwise - please take a step up and either make my denile truth or change the plans on your own.

why the F*** did I do that?

They say the full moon makes people do weird stuff... perhaps I've fallen victim to its effects... or maybe once you "lose innocence" you can't go very long without your body taking over your mind (or something to that effect) and exepriencing the forbidden fruit over and over again. It's sounds more romantic that way. It wasn't. It included zero romance. It was solely for the pleasure of the body and to feed the curiousity that was nothing more than exactly what was expected... not disapointing, just not new. Not... special? In the hours since I've discovered something my heart already knew. My mind just needed evidence to believe it because that's what happens when you're conditioned by science. It was like I made a decision and immediately after another decision (although less crucial) that directly contrasted the first. This proved to me that the later decision was more fulfilling. And so in one way, while I sit here "regretting" doing "that" I also sit here with a new (or maybe renewed) perspective, thinking about how much more satisfying it is to "share life" (through deep converstation, laughter, and experience) than to feed the desires of the body. But I can't undo what has been done, so I must move forward and live and hold on to this new clarity I've found and hope for the best. On another note, my other confusions continue... why do ex's always have to say and do things that make me feel confused again? I guess that's another story.

My side

I’m looking at my reflection
the background doesn’t match
realizing there is another side
Ripples drift across the image
What direction am I looking from?
I see my eyes, your eyes staring at me
Our hands are mirror images
They raise to face each other
But when they touch clarity is lost
All I see now is sky and trees floating
I reach through and close my hand
It is filled with nothing but earth
I can see you but I can’t feel you


I'm still debating the title and the ending lines... any suggestions?