Another Letter.

I will begin by summing up in one word: ANGRY.

There is nothing left to salvage. The foundations of this friendship have been completely destroyed. I feel my trust has been shattered. The most recent events have allowed me to step back and think and this is what I found. Maybe one thing I can thank you for is taking the lid off the bottle and allowing me to escape. So many things I was angry about and kept bottled inside. I never had the courage to speak up. I felt that you would not understand and would take offence, making it my fault - speaking up would only escalate the situation.
I walked on glass, afraid to make one wrong move. I was afraid to live my life freely because anything I did would have some effect on you and would almost always come with a punishment.

So many times I felt like I only had your conditional support. Everytime I started a new relationship I was never met with support or understanding, but instead critical comments and guilt trips. I recall a time when you said to me "I hope your relationship fails". This was one of the first times I realized that you were not a true friend because a person who cared about me would never wish for me to be hurt. There were several incidents in the past few years where you accused me of ditching you before anything had even occurred (and I had no intention of doing so), or canceled events to prevent me from coming because I invited my boyfriend. You accused me of not spending enough time with my friends when I had seen you at least once a week and sometimes more on purpose just so that you wouldn't feel that way. I felt like you did not appreciate the amount of time and energy I spent balancing my time with you with the rest of life. It was like nothing I did was ever enough because there was always a lecture or a stabbing comment coming my way. Many times I felt like I was being tested and if I didn't call you within a exceptable time frame only known to you it indicated a failure of my frienship. There have been times you surprise attacked me when I didn't even know you were angry. You say you don't like being fake but you pretend not to be angry or that you are okay with things and then suddenly explode and wonder why no one knew. You have no idea the amount of stress the uncertaintly of conflict has caused me. Never knowing if what I do is going to start a drama, even if it is not related to you at all.
In the beggining your dramas were confined to your home life and other friends. Later on they began to be directed at me, and worse at my friends or our mutual friends. I realized this past spring that I can not tell you anything. I confided in you several times only to have my words and quotes, immediately twisted and used as fuel to hurt my friends. I decided that I would never confide in you again because you could not be trusted to keep what I said confidential or respect me enough to realize your "spazzes" would affect my relationships with my other friends and their trust in me. I've never had to apologize so much in my life for things I said in confidence to you. My new perspective on you as being untrustworthy was further enforced when you began forwarding Dan's text messages to me, proving that you were direspectful not just to me but to others as well. I am also angry about the comments you made about my friend Herish and what you told the boys about them which I believe was very ignorant.
Most recently, aside from embarrassing me in public, you attempted to shun me from our friends and accused me of inviting myself along because of what I can only imagine is due to my affiliation with Dan, and my refusal to obey your wishes that I not be with him. My feelings were completely disregarded - you gave me an ultimatum, either you or him. f you are that selfish and uncaring about how I feel than the choice is much easier. You were unwilling to put aside your differences with people you didn't get along with in many instances of our friendship but this situation was probably the most imparitive.
At the theater you asked if I valued our friendship but after contemplating all that I have just written down (and more) it seems that sadly the answer is clear. No, I do not value lack of trust, lack of support, lack of communication and selfishness. There are many more specific incidents I could bring up, many very redundant, but the emotions I have about them are already summed up in this letter. In conclusion, I believe this friendship is over.

I hope that my words have had an impact on your feelings about this situation. I know this situation has provided me with a new outlook on what is important in a frienship and who my true friends really are. I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,
T

NAWWWT jokes.

So the past few weeks I felt like God was pulling a few Not-jokes on me. First I was signed up for a personal training course only to get a call a week prior saying that it was cancelled. I was so pumped and then so disappointed. Those courses are very difficult to find at a convenient time (that doesn't interfere with school). So that dream was swiftly crushed... at least within the time frame I hoped for. Then, I applied to a practicum at school. I got all beautified and went to meet this lady who ran a program called TrymGym. If I couldn't get my AFLCA certificate then why not get practical experience and credit for school? Well, she was a weirdo. Didn't ask me a single interview question. Basically just told me that she didn't think it was good for me to do in the fall because she only had one session available a week for a student and they prefer you to do two (only without actually saying any of this directly, and more implying it through stories about the program). Plus I'd have to rearrange my work schedule in order to get that one shift. The end of the interview was pure awkward when she sat in silence. I kept wondering if this was the end... she was so unclear and unprofessional. Then I simply said "ok, well how about i contact you tomorrow morning and let you know if I can change my schedule" in an attempt to close the conversation (she obviously wanted to but was awkwards and didn't know how to). She says "ok." and then sits there silently again. WTF So then I said nice to meet you and left her office. She didn't even get out of her chair. What. the. heck. I felt so defeated. I was also pissed because she could've saved herself half an hour and me two hours or more of getting ready by simply saying "I'm sorry we are all full accept one spot on monday evenings, however that won't meet your required hours criteria so I suggest you try again in winter". The deadline was the next day. Hey you're gonna geta practicum placement todau - NNNAAWWWT! But then the next day in a desperate attempt to find a placement I went to the placement coordinator and met this technologies guy who i will work with thsi semester - finally something goes right. Also my phone broke, so i might get a new one (this breaks even I guess). A girl in my class told me after i went to the awkward interview, "that just means something better is coming". Some people have a way of making things seems better. Maybe destiny is at work.

Cruising

What can I say? Not much to update. Life's been good. I went to Jasper and it was beautiful! I can't believe all the hidden gems alberta has to offer (and you thought it was just big prairie land full of rednecks, oil, and Banff). I saw two really sweet waterfalls. They must be the kind that fake ones are modelled after because they were awe striking when seen in real life. God truley is a great designer. He even made real mountains that look like those fake ones at the Calgary Zoo in dinosaur land - or maybe those were designed after those mountains? I need to go to drumheller and investigate. Anyways, these moutains were like drumheller on top except in Jasper. I also saw a black bear when driving in the campground.



I particularly enjoyed my company because he had the same explorative style as me - we love exploring! and it's hard to find someone who will read all the information plaques at tourist attractions, haha. We stopped at the columbia ice fields and took a gander at the glacier. They had signs that indicated where the glacier had been at different years (it's been receding). In the early years (from 1890 to about 1950) it receeded fairly slowly... maybe 25 meters every twenty years. I'm guessing increases in human activity (since industrialization really took off) have increased the rate of the glacier melting. After 1950 around there were longer distances between the signs. From 1992 until today there is about 80 - 100 meters... It's a bit scarey. How much will be left for my children to see? What changes does the future hold for such environemtally dependent attractions and wonders?

I'm excited for school to start again! I checked out the new

mall at cross iron mills today and bought a few new things. IMPORTANT TIP: If you haven't noticed yet, all the La Senzas in Calgary suck balls lately. They only sell super fugly bright coloured cotton bras with seams all over or weird letters... not my style anyways... ALL THE GOOD STUFF WAS SENT TO BALZAC!! The La Senza there is amazing and I was able to find a nice normal, microfiber nude bra. It was awesome. That was the highlight of the shopping experience. I thought Miss Sixty would be it but after seeing the amazing two level one in Vegas it's pretty hard to impress me now haha. Yay for a return to dressing decent after my bummish summer!

Liberation & Little Coincidences

An update on my life. A good one finally. Let's just say... in regards to my last blog, "friendships" have been revised (at least for now) and life has been drama free since the "amputation". Had a good weekend with mature people who know how to have fun and not at the expense of other's. It's about time.

One of these night's I had a dream that I was a hair stylist trying to convince a client that they should get frosted tips on their newly cut short blond hair. When I awoke I could not remember the face of the person, only that it was someone I currently know. I had written down what hair they should get on a small piece of cardboard. Somewhere else in my dream (might have even been one of those weird falling asleep thoughts) I was confused because I could not remember for the life of me what a parsnip was. I had visions of every fruit and vegetable I could imagine but could never bring up the picture of a parsnip. Nope...not this, this is blueberries, this is plums, this is celery root... and so on.
Today at work some small coincidences occurred. One of the first orders of the day was a parsnip. We haven't had them in stock for awhile. I knew what it was immedietly and recalled my dream briefly - this is a parsnip. Later on a coworker who recently cut his long hair came to work. It was plain before, today it was trimmed with frosted tips (he has blond hair too). I mentioned it to him and he asked why don't I dream up him winning the lottery. If all my dreams came true this would be a really messed up world! (insert laughing here).

In other news, I am now on disc 3 of season 2 of Dexter. The preimer of season 4 starts september 27. This is my new favourite Tv show even though I've never actually watched it as such. Just on DVDs.

Pain in my Neck.

New poem called Gangrene:
You're like an infection
a festering wound of the flesh
you're never happy unless pestering
keeping the pus flowing fresh

Ignoring the problem just spreads it
until it's under every inch of my skin
til the pain is so thick i can't feel it
it grows green and sickening

No medicine can heal the affliction
Retort is an oil on the burn
No use to tolerate your infliction
I've learned that this just reoccurrs.

the only solution is to amputate
to cut off the limb that is lame
For us it seems to be too late
to salvage the dying remains

the germ that you spawned is growing
rapidly forging its fate
its host it is slowly destroying
but no more will you irritate

I will go numb before I go insane
peeling the dead layers away
scraping away the worms of your bane
meanwhile you will be left to decay


This poem was inspired by the fucking stupid drama that a certain person continuously puts in my life. The thread of my patience is worn very thin. I am beggining to reconsider sticking with it because I just can't take this grade two shit anymore. It seems like even when I'm doing my part to steer clear of stupidness somehow "someone" always has to try and make my life miserable (but indirectly of course, because it would be just to easy to directly anger me... let's make me the middle man instead and disect my life into pieces so I can never have a harmonious relationship with anyone). There's only so much I can stand before someone gets "amputated". From previous incidents I have already determined that the foundation of trust has been completely shattered... I can only walk on this glass for so long before it slices me, and when I get hurt there is hell to pay. Good friends DO NOT act like this. Good friends campaigne for you happiness, they don't attempt to undermine it.


hahaha. sorry that paragraph was abit overdramatic.. . you're right, I'm not sorry! I needed to vent my true feelings!!

Who woulda thunk it?

Sooo.... this is kind of a continuation of the last blog I guess - an update shall we say?

I went out for dinner with my friend. It was awesome. It felt like I found my soul mate. It's almost scarey... is this even possible? The next line will reassure you of this fact for sure (lol):

He brought me flowers!!! OMG *insert girly moment of insane giggling and shortness of breath here* I haven't gotten flowers since high school... and definitely not on the first date! wow. talk about romantic. hahaha as for the juicey details... i think i'll leave some mystery and you can find that out later. ;-)

Whoa WHOA Whoa. And Giddyup!

SO some weird stuff has happened... I dipped my toe into the sea of online dating and got a profile on plenty of fish.com. As I expected... a lot of uninteresting messages came and nothing truly amazing happened. I did see this one guy but I have a feeling I've been indirectly rejected as it would seem I can now fully relate to that movie "he's just not that into you". BUT like the movie suggests, hopes don't die easily and because my rejection was little more than a failure to return messages within a certain "reasonable" amount of days I can still feel some crushlike feeling clinging there for dear life... He also called me "bud" in a facebook chat which struck me slightly odd, like maybe it was an attempt to hint that the possibility of more than "buds" is not there. I don't know... Or maybe I do but don't want to admit. I'm thinking of waiting a bit longer and then just straight up asking "hey, have I been indirectly rejected? just wondering..." I don't like being in the dark.
As one door closes, another door opens. Or should I say one door slightly closes and another seems to be unlocked... dilemmas dilemnas. So another guy fully just admitted he has a crush one me. Problem is he's a friend. And not just a normal type friend because that would make things much simpler. Instead, he a friend that is part of "the group" so there's that issue with "group dynamic" and more than likely future drama. I'm trying to remain calm and just "go with the flow" or in the words of Rhianna "live your life hey eeeeheeheh!" What can you do eh? We could ingore it or we could not ignore it. I don't know. You've probably figured out by now that I'm not an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just plain confusing. I'm thinking I should live my life (like the song), check out every possibility and take a really long time to come to decisions, unless immediate action is warranted - that rarely occurs.