Manifest

I heard on a discovery channel show about 2012 that they used a computer to analyse all the data on the internet and come up with predictions based on the "subconscious" of all the people using the ineternet. If you have read about any philosophies that say everyone is connected, that you can manifest your own destiny then you would understand the logic behind the idea that a computer analysis of the internet could predict the future. There is also a popular notion out there called "positive thinking" (you've probably heard of it :-P...) that says that if you think positively and give positive energy to the universe good things will happen to you. This might be compared to the idea of karma, where the opposite is true as well. Even Justin Timberlake made a song about it (what goes around comes around... whatever happened to him anyways?). If this is all true I'm going to add some of my own thoughts into the universe via the internet. Right here I will manifest some destiny in ten lol:
1. I will become rich and possibly famous (thus leading to more riches) (next 3 - 5 years)
2. I will have my own house with a nice kitchen where I will cook wonderful meals for my perfect loving husband and our wonderful, over achieving children who are also cool. (10 - 15 years)
3. My family and friends will be happy and healthy and enjoy long, prosperous lives. (present til forever)
4. We will all survive 2012.
. Zombies will never happen. (now til forever)
6. The human race will make a dramatic change and start caring for the earth and all the animals in it. Meat places will adhere to a very strict code of humane treatment of animals and all livestock and other animals will be happy and healthy regadless of where they live. (january 23, 2011)
7. My acne will disappear forever and my skin will be beautiful and healthy - hopefully in the next month or sooner!!!
8. My sister will become a very successful business woman and have a harmonious family life too. (7 - 10 years from now)
9. My friends will find life partner's who treat them with respect, support them, and make them happy while still allowing them their freedom and independence. (from now until forever, next 2 years most likely)
10. Dexter will be on at a more reasonable hour. (January 2010 or whenever the next season starts)

Most of these theories suggest you should alo include a time line so beside each statement I have put in brackets when this should happen.

Lie to me.

If there's one thing I've found in the most recent events of my life, it's that being lied to is one of the most emotionally painful experiences - even if it's not a big lie. I don't think I ever really knew what the term "to alient" meant until this weekend. On saturday night after an amazing fun time at the flames game, we were going to go out to party when half our group left due to drunkeness. We ended up going to the home of two of them and playing rock band which was pretty fun, although not what was expected to happen that night. The other member of the party apparently went home feeling sick but chose to do so on his own (we offered a ride but it was refused). I called several times and texted to ensure this person had made it back to his home safely, as I was feeling guilty for allowing him to leave when he was apparently so intoxicated. The next day I saw pictures of him on facebook (damn you facebook) at a party that occurred saturday night. He had faked being sick and drunk to go to a party only because a former friend of mine was there - he was too scared to say that's where he was going. My heart sank when I saw this. I don't care who he hangs out with or when, but I do care that he is too scared to be honest and simply say "I've been invited to a party after the game and I'll be leaving to go there". The worst part is that while he was telling us his plan to get home I suspected he was lying. I said later that I didn't think he was going home and that he wasn't that drunk... then again, I thought I could be wrong and since I called him later to check up on him and he answered that he was home safely, I figured maybe I was wrong and he really was feeling sick. I just feel so annoyed. Why make people waste energy worrying about you if it's just a big lie? And for what? What am I going to do if he tells the truth - I know what I'd do, probably nothing. "Have fun" I'd say.
I feel like my "sincere" and genuwine friend is turning into a jerk... I feel like he's just feeling obligated to be my friend and doesn't actually want to be. I feel like he's being controlled by "a force" that wants me to be unhappy. Why is it so important to hide these things? Another friend of mine was at that party too - but at least he didn't lie to me.... I'm not mad about that.
I just want to live my life in peace - have my own experiences and relationships with my friends, unaffected by their friendships with other people. I'm going to confront him today and simply say that I feel hurt that he lied to me. I will also assure him that his business is not my concern and that I won't be upset or angry if he tells me the truth - it's his life and he can do what he wants - however I have a right in this friendship to honesty.


When will end? I wonder. I don't think he realizes the affect of his actions. The situation is sensitive, where people are understandably conflicted. I realize there are tensions occurring. I also feel that people need to have faith in their friends. I had faith that I could maintain my friendships with people despite tensions I might have with their friends. I know I control my own actions and I know that faced with an awkward situation I can react in a mature and controlled manner. I feel like my friends don't have this confidence in me and I don't know why. I haven't done anything in the past I can think of that would make me seem unreliable in this regard. It pains me to think that I have placed faith in this person, in him being a mature person who remains nuetral, realizing that my frienship with him has nothing to do with his other frienships. I feel like that trust was broken on saturday night. Now I fear I'm being alienated... like my friends are being pulled away from me and I will be alone eventually. And for what? I've tried to be understanding to their needs and freedoms but it just never seems to get through. I was holding on to this faith that they care about me and wouldn't abandon me... and now I feel like its just all falling apart.

If you're reading this and you're my friend, I want you to know this. That I will support you in any decision you make (unless its murder or drugs... or other unlawful or dangerous behavior haha). Your life is in your control. Your experience is your own and different than mine and I respect that. Do not feel scared to be honest with me, or to do what you want (more specifically to rekindle frienships) because if that is what makes you happy then that is what I want for you. I recognize that people have their differences (differences in partying habits, goals, methods of reaching those goals...) but I won't allow things like that to destroy a good frienship. I rather my friends have the freedom (feel free not guilty) to do what they like if it makes them feel good cause a happy free friend is better than a dishonest, resentful one.

Second Mother's Day

There should be two mother's days in the year... at least!
I just want to thank my mom because she is so great. She's always there to listen when I experience some kind of emotional turmoil, then she makes me feel better and puts things into perspective. Some how she just has all this wisdom. And if that wasn't enough she's an excellent cook and on thanksgiving this year, made a huge amazing feast!! There was an awesome pumpkin cake (and pumpkin pies) to finish off with too. Wow. I just feel so amazed about my mom right now. THANK YOU!!!!

Conflict Thoery

I just finished writing a midterm for a sociology class (Social Cultural Perspective in Sport). Sociology is extremely interesting and opens the mind to look at the world from various angles. I did sociology as a first year option and was equally excited by many of the theories and ideas (except for the pedagogy part which was very dry) as I am in this kinesiology focused version of the subject. I'll just dive right in now... calgary is a very functionalist society (I guess this is very similar to saying conservative as it was once known - we like the status quo). The culture here promotes competition and meritocracy. Most of the time we like the way things are and believe that that's how they should be so that society can run "efficiently". Perhaps consequencial differences like ability, intelligence, education, and economic status are maintained here in the name of the economy. Rewarding those who have higher education (such as engineers) with high salaries in oil companies is an example. As a kid I was taught that this was a good thing because those who worked harder should get more rewards and this would encourage healthy competition, motivation and drive, and keep the economy stable or growing. If work was not rewarded according to its value and ability required, those who "slacked off" would be encouraged to do so, and those who worked hard would have a lack of motivation after noticing they would get the same reward regardless of effort. Then the economy would fail, affecting other aspects of society and ultimately everyone's quality fo life. Yes, this is a very functionalist idea. And yes it seems like a bad thing when considered from the perspective of disadvantaged people, but society has been built around these ideals and has provided those who comply with it a decent to above average quality of life. Like any label, there are pros and cons. This is just a little bit of background to segway (haha segway...) into my conflict theory argument/rant. I have a bone to pick with the university. It's about my field of study and how it is burdened (in my opinion) by functionalist ideals when it comes to elite athletes. My interest in kinesiology partially stems from a motivation to "help" people, or rather, contribute to society in a positive way that I also find ejoyable. As I'm sure everyone has already heard, there is an obesity epidemic in north america... the risk of many chronic diseases and ailments is increased or caused by obesity and many many deaths can be attributed to lifestyles that promote these diseases, including obesity. It is my job as a person trained in practitioning healthy lifestyle choices (such as exercise and nutrition) to go out in the world and take action with the hopeful consequence of preventing/reducing chronic disease, changing the distribution of healthcare funds and ultimately improving people's quality of life (big goals!). BUT .... How can I do this if the university has this annoying tendency to focus on elite athlete performance? Yes, elite athletes are important for studying biomechanics, or performance psychology, and yes they are important for funding, government/country recognition (consider olympics), but they are lab rats. That's not supposed to be an insult... I mean, they are not gernalizable to the majority, to the public. The are a limited population who are more than likely already biased in some way (which is why they had the motivation, the athletic ability, maybe the money and time to become elite). They provide very little insight about the general public - most people don't have the time, money, or motivation not only to become elite at a sport, but in most cases even to engage in enough activity to meet canada's recommended amount for good health. From a conflic theory perspective, I would argue that the functionlist attitude of meritocracy has ignored the underdogs and dedicated too much time and money to the "elite". Maybe this is attitude contributes to health issues in society. Maybe people do not exercise enough because they don't see it as applicable to their life. Elite athlete's lives revolve around training, and goal setting, and finding ways to improve. This knowledge and could be utilized by the general public to employ life improvement strategies that are fed to elite athlete on silver spoons. Why not invest the time and resources into the greater population and equally benefit society?? Why are strategies to improve elite performance crammed into our brains yet there are few ooportunities to apply this knowledge. Majority of the students will be working with the general public anyways... why not focus on strategies to help the everyday person?
A small aside about my practicum and how it relates to my discussion above. Unfortunately I can't give out too many details but I can say that although the majority of the technology and programs available or underdevelopment are geared toward... guess who!! the elite athletes, I was inspired to think of ways that it can be modifyed and used by "real" people. I can't believe how much I learned already about technology and how it can be applied to the world of sport... or in my case instructors...
If you haven't already figured it out (or know already), conflict theory suggests that inequalities in society should be adressed and changed for the betterment of society. They are the antagonists to functionalists (who don't want change, and believe things are as they should be even if it promotes inequalities). While I might be a functionalist when it comes to the workplace (jobs and careers) I am a conflictionist when it comes to health and opportunities.

Random thought (as though this wasn't long enough): today I watched a presentation on some nutrition research currently being done with obesity in rats. I find it hard to come up with good questions for researchers and all I could think of while I looked at the picture of the really fat rat was "wouldn't it be funny to see him dancing... should i ask if that rat likes to dance?" I wonder what kind of weird look I would've received if I asked that as though it was a very serious question.... *insert laughing to myself here...*

Another Letter.

I will begin by summing up in one word: ANGRY.

There is nothing left to salvage. The foundations of this friendship have been completely destroyed. I feel my trust has been shattered. The most recent events have allowed me to step back and think and this is what I found. Maybe one thing I can thank you for is taking the lid off the bottle and allowing me to escape. So many things I was angry about and kept bottled inside. I never had the courage to speak up. I felt that you would not understand and would take offence, making it my fault - speaking up would only escalate the situation.
I walked on glass, afraid to make one wrong move. I was afraid to live my life freely because anything I did would have some effect on you and would almost always come with a punishment.

So many times I felt like I only had your conditional support. Everytime I started a new relationship I was never met with support or understanding, but instead critical comments and guilt trips. I recall a time when you said to me "I hope your relationship fails". This was one of the first times I realized that you were not a true friend because a person who cared about me would never wish for me to be hurt. There were several incidents in the past few years where you accused me of ditching you before anything had even occurred (and I had no intention of doing so), or canceled events to prevent me from coming because I invited my boyfriend. You accused me of not spending enough time with my friends when I had seen you at least once a week and sometimes more on purpose just so that you wouldn't feel that way. I felt like you did not appreciate the amount of time and energy I spent balancing my time with you with the rest of life. It was like nothing I did was ever enough because there was always a lecture or a stabbing comment coming my way. Many times I felt like I was being tested and if I didn't call you within a exceptable time frame only known to you it indicated a failure of my frienship. There have been times you surprise attacked me when I didn't even know you were angry. You say you don't like being fake but you pretend not to be angry or that you are okay with things and then suddenly explode and wonder why no one knew. You have no idea the amount of stress the uncertaintly of conflict has caused me. Never knowing if what I do is going to start a drama, even if it is not related to you at all.
In the beggining your dramas were confined to your home life and other friends. Later on they began to be directed at me, and worse at my friends or our mutual friends. I realized this past spring that I can not tell you anything. I confided in you several times only to have my words and quotes, immediately twisted and used as fuel to hurt my friends. I decided that I would never confide in you again because you could not be trusted to keep what I said confidential or respect me enough to realize your "spazzes" would affect my relationships with my other friends and their trust in me. I've never had to apologize so much in my life for things I said in confidence to you. My new perspective on you as being untrustworthy was further enforced when you began forwarding Dan's text messages to me, proving that you were direspectful not just to me but to others as well. I am also angry about the comments you made about my friend Herish and what you told the boys about them which I believe was very ignorant.
Most recently, aside from embarrassing me in public, you attempted to shun me from our friends and accused me of inviting myself along because of what I can only imagine is due to my affiliation with Dan, and my refusal to obey your wishes that I not be with him. My feelings were completely disregarded - you gave me an ultimatum, either you or him. f you are that selfish and uncaring about how I feel than the choice is much easier. You were unwilling to put aside your differences with people you didn't get along with in many instances of our friendship but this situation was probably the most imparitive.
At the theater you asked if I valued our friendship but after contemplating all that I have just written down (and more) it seems that sadly the answer is clear. No, I do not value lack of trust, lack of support, lack of communication and selfishness. There are many more specific incidents I could bring up, many very redundant, but the emotions I have about them are already summed up in this letter. In conclusion, I believe this friendship is over.

I hope that my words have had an impact on your feelings about this situation. I know this situation has provided me with a new outlook on what is important in a frienship and who my true friends really are. I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,
T

NAWWWT jokes.

So the past few weeks I felt like God was pulling a few Not-jokes on me. First I was signed up for a personal training course only to get a call a week prior saying that it was cancelled. I was so pumped and then so disappointed. Those courses are very difficult to find at a convenient time (that doesn't interfere with school). So that dream was swiftly crushed... at least within the time frame I hoped for. Then, I applied to a practicum at school. I got all beautified and went to meet this lady who ran a program called TrymGym. If I couldn't get my AFLCA certificate then why not get practical experience and credit for school? Well, she was a weirdo. Didn't ask me a single interview question. Basically just told me that she didn't think it was good for me to do in the fall because she only had one session available a week for a student and they prefer you to do two (only without actually saying any of this directly, and more implying it through stories about the program). Plus I'd have to rearrange my work schedule in order to get that one shift. The end of the interview was pure awkward when she sat in silence. I kept wondering if this was the end... she was so unclear and unprofessional. Then I simply said "ok, well how about i contact you tomorrow morning and let you know if I can change my schedule" in an attempt to close the conversation (she obviously wanted to but was awkwards and didn't know how to). She says "ok." and then sits there silently again. WTF So then I said nice to meet you and left her office. She didn't even get out of her chair. What. the. heck. I felt so defeated. I was also pissed because she could've saved herself half an hour and me two hours or more of getting ready by simply saying "I'm sorry we are all full accept one spot on monday evenings, however that won't meet your required hours criteria so I suggest you try again in winter". The deadline was the next day. Hey you're gonna geta practicum placement todau - NNNAAWWWT! But then the next day in a desperate attempt to find a placement I went to the placement coordinator and met this technologies guy who i will work with thsi semester - finally something goes right. Also my phone broke, so i might get a new one (this breaks even I guess). A girl in my class told me after i went to the awkward interview, "that just means something better is coming". Some people have a way of making things seems better. Maybe destiny is at work.

Cruising

What can I say? Not much to update. Life's been good. I went to Jasper and it was beautiful! I can't believe all the hidden gems alberta has to offer (and you thought it was just big prairie land full of rednecks, oil, and Banff). I saw two really sweet waterfalls. They must be the kind that fake ones are modelled after because they were awe striking when seen in real life. God truley is a great designer. He even made real mountains that look like those fake ones at the Calgary Zoo in dinosaur land - or maybe those were designed after those mountains? I need to go to drumheller and investigate. Anyways, these moutains were like drumheller on top except in Jasper. I also saw a black bear when driving in the campground.



I particularly enjoyed my company because he had the same explorative style as me - we love exploring! and it's hard to find someone who will read all the information plaques at tourist attractions, haha. We stopped at the columbia ice fields and took a gander at the glacier. They had signs that indicated where the glacier had been at different years (it's been receding). In the early years (from 1890 to about 1950) it receeded fairly slowly... maybe 25 meters every twenty years. I'm guessing increases in human activity (since industrialization really took off) have increased the rate of the glacier melting. After 1950 around there were longer distances between the signs. From 1992 until today there is about 80 - 100 meters... It's a bit scarey. How much will be left for my children to see? What changes does the future hold for such environemtally dependent attractions and wonders?

I'm excited for school to start again! I checked out the new

mall at cross iron mills today and bought a few new things. IMPORTANT TIP: If you haven't noticed yet, all the La Senzas in Calgary suck balls lately. They only sell super fugly bright coloured cotton bras with seams all over or weird letters... not my style anyways... ALL THE GOOD STUFF WAS SENT TO BALZAC!! The La Senza there is amazing and I was able to find a nice normal, microfiber nude bra. It was awesome. That was the highlight of the shopping experience. I thought Miss Sixty would be it but after seeing the amazing two level one in Vegas it's pretty hard to impress me now haha. Yay for a return to dressing decent after my bummish summer!