Broke but beautiful

Finally I made it to the skin specialist. Not a dermatologist as you might think (that appointment is still a few months away - damn waiting lists! I booked that in September). This is a place called skin science. The woman who owns it is a doctor herself who specializes in skin (so basically a dermatologist) except its a private practice - more like a clinic offering a service and selling products and with no waiting list!. She works in collaboration with the dermatologist I will eventually get to see. I went there two years ago when she was just starting up and got some counsel on proper makeup and moisturizer but it was damn expensive and not hugely amazing so I didn't go back. Low and behold after two years my skin is still shit and probably worse than ever (starting september because I was lucky to have two months of nice skin this year). Then my sister got me a gift certificate to Skin Science so I had no excuses not to give it another try. Glad I did. This time she was more established and had a computer imaging system to picture my skin - the wrinkles (none! hellz yeah), the texture, the bacteria, the UV damage (below average - yes!), and the inflammation. This was to investigate and pinpoint what might be contributing to my acne. Turns out almost everything! She recommended several products to add to my routine and blue-light treament to get rid of the bacteria (I am now suckered into paying for blue light treaments twice a week for six weeks - this better damn well work!). I have added a special toner and high end moisturizer to my routine as well as an antiimflamtory cream to wear at night. I feel good about this - it seems to be helping already! She also suggested I change my diet a bit to reduce the inflammation in my skin (the picture was actually quite scarey and now I am fully motivated to try and reduce inflamation). Goodbye sugary drinks ... my beloved ice tea.... for I am now on a low glycemic index diet (translation: healthy diet with lots of fiber, no processed foods, white breads, etc. and less sugary foods and drinks). I consider my lifestyle to be pretty healthy anyways so there are only very few things I can think of to change that will help combat this problem. I may also have to cut back on my beautiful chocolate milk - the light of my life... adios mi leche chocolate. I will miss you... but probably still drink you once for awhile as I my mom just recently bought a new jug...

Blog reflections.

I read over my last blog again and I feel I did a pretty good job of getting out my rant... except at the end. I guess I was just caught up in a fleeting emotion and feared I would have to care about what's going on on "the other side" (ie. rumours, etc.). I guess it was a ligitimate concern in the moment but upon further reflection I decided it would be better if I just cared less. I'm actually feeling alot freer now, like I don't have to worry about that stuff, nor should I. Maybe losing friends is some kind of weird fear I have but I may have exagerated a bit by suggesting I would need to monitor it, haha. New plan: ignore any "odd" manipulations of facebook done by friends and continue to use the social network as I normally would. Treat friends with same respect and on real world terms (confront when necessary, otherwise consider realtionship to be untarnished by strange facebook behaviour... within reason). Maybe this is the key I was missing the whole time.

On another note - I've now made my lunch two days in a row! Yay! I'm finally doing what most people started doing in grade eight.... at 22. Oh New Years! How I love resolutions!

I have also attempted to liven up my blog by given it a creative title! yay! This may need work. opinions?

Facebook Wars.... misery loves company

The year 2009 was definitely a time of change and transition for me. Some were bad and some were good. One of the bad ones was the slow death of a friendship... to some extent it seems like it was only staying alive via life support (a combination of my patience, my inability to come out and express my feelings, and my feeling of obligation to "be nice" despite many an angry time). Then the plug was pulled and it died only to ressurect as a brain eating zombie who's medium was/is facebook.
I'd like to believe I tried my best to burry the frienship and move on with my life, taking special consideration of mutual friends and trying not to put them in the middle, but there was this one tie that I didn't break - oh that good old technology facebook. A whole other world is in virtual land and if that's the only place the zombie can get me now, well then I have my own personal zombie land going on. At first I decided not to "delete" this contact, nor did i put her on limited profile, or any of the other usual things people do when they're pissed off at someone. I just let it be. My sister told me once that the thing that annoyed her the most about past friends is when they delete you but keep a bunch of people on their list who they never talk to and you know they aren't friends with...slap in the face! so I decided that in light of this and the fact that a close history with many a good time did once exist , I would avoid "expressing" myself via facebook wars. However, the other side did not have the same mentality...
I was immediately put on limited profile... Whatever. I noticed it. It wasn't that annoying as I rationalized what I believed was her perspective and why she would do that. It was like this for awhile. I knew however that she was watching my facebook because I posted a happy birthday to one of our mutual friends who is closer to her than me (I did not post happy birthday on her wall a month earlier and I heard through the grapevine that she was mad about this. I was just surprised she expected that from me after what happened...) Later that day, I decided to check if I was still on limited profile for some goshdarn reason, only to discover it was even more limited than before. To the point where all this person was to me on facebook was a profile picture - "this person only shares certain information with everyone" was all it said. I realized she was pissed off but she was always pissed off so I didn't feel particularly bad about it. Life continued for awhile longer.
Then I decided to have a new years party that was kind of last minute. Since her attending events still showed up in my news feed for some reason, I was already aware in november that her and a few other friends were going out for new years. Anyways, just before christmas I invited a bunch of people to my news years party, including two guys that came a few years ago for new years... within minutes one of my good friends accepted and on the news feed it said "{name} is attending last minute news years party". About twenty minutes later it showed a post from former friend to both those two guys I invited "you should come out with us for new years!!" (inviting them with her...). It was too conincidential, especially since we both know those two guys don't like clubbing, so I came to the conclusion that she must be monitoring what was going on and then trying to make people choose.... or at least those two guys... Once again, I felt a bit frustrated and annoyed but tried to let it go and brush it off as my own paranoia... New years came and went.
I wanted to see pictures of my friends who didn't spend new years at my house... is there anything so wrong with that? Only to find that at least two of them had put me on limited profile to their pictures... why? I know this is specific to me because mutual friends can see these pictures. What is going to happen from me seeing their fun? absolutely nothing besides me wasting time ... what did I do to them that made them have to hide their life from me? (other than being addicted to facebook...). I was a bit annoyed at this too...
In light of a new year, a time to past the past in the past and move forward, combined with this frustration, I decided that I would cut off the zombie from my life and hope that it would all fizzle out. I deleted former friend. I thought it would be over.
A couple days later I noticed that a few of our mutual friends had deleted me from their facebook... but not aquaintances that I had introduced them to? I guess my fears have been realized. The one thing that kept annoying me this whole time was my own fear that somehow zombie w0uld consume other people too... I kept telling myself - have faith that these people are mature and that they see you as what you are and not what someone tells them you are. That they rely on their own personal interaction with you to determine your character and not on someone elses... that they will realize that you haven't done anything wrong to them and that what goes on between you and one of their friends is only between you and that person... I kept holding on to this faith and the knowledge that if someone does decide otherwise that they are not a true friend anyways... The most annoying part of it is knowing that these people made their choice without ever asking me about my feelings or my side... without truly knowing me... which I guess is also an influence on why they did it.
I'm not devasted by the loss, as it shows me who are my true friends, I'm just annoyed that zombie is still trying to get me. Especially since, for some reason.... there are incongruencies... like my sister is on limited profile to one of my friend's page (probably so I can't see pictures through her) but I am only on partially limited. I speculate that this friend was asked to put me (and possibly my sister too) on limited but didn't want me to be mad so only limited certain things from me, but all from my sister (assuming she probably wouldn't notice anyway). Then close friends who were deleted by former friend at the same time as I was blocked (haha, I'm blocked... btw), and who are also on limited profile to same people who deleted me are not deleted by them even though they NEVER talk and are only aquaintances (mostly via fairmont vacation). It doesn't make sense.

You may be wondering how I noticed all this stuff. The answer is simple: Farmville. It's a very addictive game that allows me to spend more than an hour on facebook all in one sitting... you can also get stuff to level up from people posting things on their wall (it shows up in news feed) so reading news feed takes up part of that time. The problem now is that I need to reduce my overall time on facebook because of school. Usually its not that hard for me. Now I have a new concern though... and that is checking to make sure my friends don't start dropping like flies... then I will know that something is going on.... like a rumour has been made - probably as a result of the zombie. I just wish I could show and tell everyone that I have been doing nothing related to former friend to have any new rumours emerging. I've been keeping to myself, having lunches with my friends, and enjoying my life outside facebook (not including farmville).

2010 --> New Year, New Blogs...

On New Years day my family had a nice dinner at Sorrintino's, a fancy italian restaurant. The topic of the movie Julie & Julia came up and my uncle mentioned he was interested in starting a blog, which is a pretty cool thought because he would actually have something to blog about. I remember watching that movie and feeling inspired to blog too but then I realized I don't have time to be a regular blogger so I'll just have to postpone the motivation until I'm out of school. When my sister and cousin saw the movie they were inspired to cook! We once had a thought that we would make a food blog together... that brings me to...
New years resolutions?

--> getting in shape - always a resolution... not really specific to january start. Last year had the same resolution and of course followed through, haha, but its easy for me because its already part of my lifestyle... therefore its less of a resolution now and more of a maintainance schedule...
--> eating healthy? Also seems to be an ongoing resolution. This year I have two main goals: no fast food - even at school - which means I'll have to attempt to make my own lunch everyday. The other goal is to do Lent. In February (whenever Lent starts) I'm goint to give up pop! NO POP! Not even when its the only drink in the house. Hello tap water :-P

--> Saving money - last year I made a resolution not to use my VISA card as much but I actually ended up using it more! New Years Resolution FAIL. This year I will not make that resoltion because I have too many things planned that involve the need to use my credit card (ie. trips, workout classes) So instead, this year I hope that NYR2 (no fast food) will help me save money... So far I'm off to a good start. Haven't had a single fast food in 4 days! The only fast food I am willing to buy if i have to (not counting tea from coffee places) is Lentil soup from Pita on the Run at school. On another note, I think I need to purchase more soup thermoses...

--> Journaling - or blogging, in whatever form journaling decides to take... I'm going to record my thoughts more. If there's one thing I've learned from doing so in the past, it's that it help you track and view your own development - mentally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically. And it helps reveal patterns that occur in your life and that may lead to future resolutions. Speaking of...
Wow! I just reviewed my posts from last january and man it must have sucked. So maybe I'll update a bit about "those" feelings. Sometime I still feel a bit of "miss" (maybe a fraction of a percent of what those blogs were describing), but I've moved on now and the reality is that NOW is much better than then. I still feel like on some level I've lost a kindrid spirit - like an energy connection. Maybe we'll meet again in some other life, when our physical realities better match our inside worlds (this probably sounds crazy). Now I've found another kindrid spirit and there is much more balance between inside and out. Neither area is perfect but if I was an engineer and I quantified the amount on either side, the sum of the parts would make a bigger whole than before. I guess the only thing to do is pray that all friends and lovers past will find happiness in their own lives.

Anyways, an exciting few days are coming up! Reiki tomorrow, massage wednesday, and fairmont thursday!

OMG. I'm a feminist.

Coming to this realization was an interesting process. I was reading a textbook called "sports in society" for a class at school. On a side note, sociology is quite interesting (I think I expressed this is an earlier blog which I actually ended up referring back to when writing a paper on functionalist, conflict, and interpretivist theories). Anyways, this particular point expressed in the textbook was something I felt very strongly about and have had first hand experience dealing with people's attitudes regarding. It is about gender stereotypes in sport. Maybe this extends a bit farther even - gender roles and "inequalities" in other areas of life - after all it all connects together, kind of a universal topic.
I recall my sister telling me the story of one of her co workers who couldn't decide what extra curricular activity to enroll her daughter in. She expressed that she didn't want to put her daughter in a sport like soccer and my sister asked her why. The lady said she didn't want her daughter to become a lesbien and turn out butch. My sister was shocked and replied "I play soccer. I think it's a great activity". If you don't already know, my sister is a very pretty girl. She is the farthest away from butch you can possibly get. She enjoys dressing up and primping herself and in most cases ends up looking like some kind of runway model when she leaves the house, expecially when she's going to work (she is known at the office as the girl with all the shoes - 4 inch christian loboutins being her staple item). The lady was shocked and embarrassed, "you play soccer? You're not a tom boy at all!". I also play soccer so you could imagine my surprise when my sister told me this story. Do people still think like this? What time period is this woman from? Apprently alot of people still think like this and it is evident in the messages expressed in the media, especially around sports.
Feminists point out that sports are an area of compulsory heterosexuality. Participation in many sports is influenced by the maculinity or feminity of that sport (eg. football and figure skating being on opposite end of the scale). Particiption in sport is often effected by stigmas that go along with them. For example, if a man participates in figure skating or ballet there's a pretty good chance people will label him as gay, therefore it is unlikely that a boy who is brought up by a traditional family will participate in dance, and would probably go into hockey instead of figure skating - possibly due to encouragement and maybe to avoid the social consequences of choosing the latter. I'm getting a bit off topic. Media surrounding sports makes it hard for people to appreciate the value of participation in sport (especially for women) by indirectly supporting stereotypes. Female hockey player's have their identities kept very secret except for anything that shows they are "real" women. Facts like their martital status and having children are important for the public to know (Men in sports who are not heterosexual are often closeted until their career is over for fear of the repercusions of being outed). Majority of accomplished female athletes are not known about (compared to men) and when they are, they appear in ads wearing "appropriate" feminine attire - a result of combining business and social ideologies. This brings me to my out of sport beef with our culture as we know it.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Women are subjected to mixed messages in the media. Strength and confidence is valued but so is thin. Too much muscle is masculine. You must be strong but don't look that way (in some places this changing). Sport and exercise is promoted as a means to get strong and healthy but cultural messages are telling women they shouldn't have muscle. What's a girl to do? In some cases these messages are so conflicting they hinder the participation in fitness that is good for feeling good and getting healthy.
My text book mentioned that some women do not go to the gym because they feel like they aren't thin enough yet and won't look good when they go to work out. I have personally heard this said. My own ears have actually heard this excuse for not working out!!! EARTH TO MATILDA!! Hypothetically: Without considering the impact of social ideology on these women's self esteems, and let's just say that the only reason to work out is to look good, isn't this the exact opposite way to accomplish the goal of losing weight? If exercising is how one is to lose weight, then not exercising because one feels self conscious about one's weight will most certainly not solve the problem. In real life, these women are missing opportunities not only to improve their self esteem but also to change their lifestyle and improve their health. This is because of all these mixed messages.
I have decided that I want to make some sort of group or effort to change the way big business and media dictate participation in sports and fitness, especially for women. It will be hard and almost impossible, but a movement needs to start somewhere. People should be free to be who they are and sports should not be used a way to impose a personhood on someone. It's okay to be a butch soccer player or a pretty in pink one as long as you're happy. And going to the gym shouldn't be a decision based on how you look now, maybe not even how you will look after, but how you feel and how it will impact your lifestyle. And no decision regarding sports participation should be made according to your sexuality or someone elses.

Note: In women's beachvolley ball, there is a rule that an athlete can not participate if her bikini bottom has THICKER than 7cm sides. Obviously this has nothing to do with performance and more to do with entertainment - of men.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Manifest

I heard on a discovery channel show about 2012 that they used a computer to analyse all the data on the internet and come up with predictions based on the "subconscious" of all the people using the ineternet. If you have read about any philosophies that say everyone is connected, that you can manifest your own destiny then you would understand the logic behind the idea that a computer analysis of the internet could predict the future. There is also a popular notion out there called "positive thinking" (you've probably heard of it :-P...) that says that if you think positively and give positive energy to the universe good things will happen to you. This might be compared to the idea of karma, where the opposite is true as well. Even Justin Timberlake made a song about it (what goes around comes around... whatever happened to him anyways?). If this is all true I'm going to add some of my own thoughts into the universe via the internet. Right here I will manifest some destiny in ten lol:
1. I will become rich and possibly famous (thus leading to more riches) (next 3 - 5 years)
2. I will have my own house with a nice kitchen where I will cook wonderful meals for my perfect loving husband and our wonderful, over achieving children who are also cool. (10 - 15 years)
3. My family and friends will be happy and healthy and enjoy long, prosperous lives. (present til forever)
4. We will all survive 2012.
. Zombies will never happen. (now til forever)
6. The human race will make a dramatic change and start caring for the earth and all the animals in it. Meat places will adhere to a very strict code of humane treatment of animals and all livestock and other animals will be happy and healthy regadless of where they live. (january 23, 2011)
7. My acne will disappear forever and my skin will be beautiful and healthy - hopefully in the next month or sooner!!!
8. My sister will become a very successful business woman and have a harmonious family life too. (7 - 10 years from now)
9. My friends will find life partner's who treat them with respect, support them, and make them happy while still allowing them their freedom and independence. (from now until forever, next 2 years most likely)
10. Dexter will be on at a more reasonable hour. (January 2010 or whenever the next season starts)

Most of these theories suggest you should alo include a time line so beside each statement I have put in brackets when this should happen.

Lie to me.

If there's one thing I've found in the most recent events of my life, it's that being lied to is one of the most emotionally painful experiences - even if it's not a big lie. I don't think I ever really knew what the term "to alient" meant until this weekend. On saturday night after an amazing fun time at the flames game, we were going to go out to party when half our group left due to drunkeness. We ended up going to the home of two of them and playing rock band which was pretty fun, although not what was expected to happen that night. The other member of the party apparently went home feeling sick but chose to do so on his own (we offered a ride but it was refused). I called several times and texted to ensure this person had made it back to his home safely, as I was feeling guilty for allowing him to leave when he was apparently so intoxicated. The next day I saw pictures of him on facebook (damn you facebook) at a party that occurred saturday night. He had faked being sick and drunk to go to a party only because a former friend of mine was there - he was too scared to say that's where he was going. My heart sank when I saw this. I don't care who he hangs out with or when, but I do care that he is too scared to be honest and simply say "I've been invited to a party after the game and I'll be leaving to go there". The worst part is that while he was telling us his plan to get home I suspected he was lying. I said later that I didn't think he was going home and that he wasn't that drunk... then again, I thought I could be wrong and since I called him later to check up on him and he answered that he was home safely, I figured maybe I was wrong and he really was feeling sick. I just feel so annoyed. Why make people waste energy worrying about you if it's just a big lie? And for what? What am I going to do if he tells the truth - I know what I'd do, probably nothing. "Have fun" I'd say.
I feel like my "sincere" and genuwine friend is turning into a jerk... I feel like he's just feeling obligated to be my friend and doesn't actually want to be. I feel like he's being controlled by "a force" that wants me to be unhappy. Why is it so important to hide these things? Another friend of mine was at that party too - but at least he didn't lie to me.... I'm not mad about that.
I just want to live my life in peace - have my own experiences and relationships with my friends, unaffected by their friendships with other people. I'm going to confront him today and simply say that I feel hurt that he lied to me. I will also assure him that his business is not my concern and that I won't be upset or angry if he tells me the truth - it's his life and he can do what he wants - however I have a right in this friendship to honesty.


When will end? I wonder. I don't think he realizes the affect of his actions. The situation is sensitive, where people are understandably conflicted. I realize there are tensions occurring. I also feel that people need to have faith in their friends. I had faith that I could maintain my friendships with people despite tensions I might have with their friends. I know I control my own actions and I know that faced with an awkward situation I can react in a mature and controlled manner. I feel like my friends don't have this confidence in me and I don't know why. I haven't done anything in the past I can think of that would make me seem unreliable in this regard. It pains me to think that I have placed faith in this person, in him being a mature person who remains nuetral, realizing that my frienship with him has nothing to do with his other frienships. I feel like that trust was broken on saturday night. Now I fear I'm being alienated... like my friends are being pulled away from me and I will be alone eventually. And for what? I've tried to be understanding to their needs and freedoms but it just never seems to get through. I was holding on to this faith that they care about me and wouldn't abandon me... and now I feel like its just all falling apart.

If you're reading this and you're my friend, I want you to know this. That I will support you in any decision you make (unless its murder or drugs... or other unlawful or dangerous behavior haha). Your life is in your control. Your experience is your own and different than mine and I respect that. Do not feel scared to be honest with me, or to do what you want (more specifically to rekindle frienships) because if that is what makes you happy then that is what I want for you. I recognize that people have their differences (differences in partying habits, goals, methods of reaching those goals...) but I won't allow things like that to destroy a good frienship. I rather my friends have the freedom (feel free not guilty) to do what they like if it makes them feel good cause a happy free friend is better than a dishonest, resentful one.