Anxiety

I'm suffering from major anxiety right now. I feel like I'm reliving one of the worst moments I can remember in relationship history. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm fretting because my mind keep saying, "what if... what if..". My boyfriend went out to a "boys night" tonight. The reason that's in quotes is because they went to a club. All the men invited have girlfriends so to me it seems odd they chose a night club for a boys night.... to me this is simply a strip club to them where the girls aren't fully naked but still attractive but with the added benefit of being achievable and in some cases looking to hook up. My boyfriend once told me he was no longer interested in clubs because they aren't the same when you're not single. It's not like guys go there the same way girls do (to dress up and dance), they are usually going because they're on the hunt. He said he wouldn't be interested in chasing or even pretending to get numbers because that would be "playing with fire". Then today he all excited to go out tonight with the guys, getting all ready and beautified and saying stuff like, "I look good. Untouchable!" and wondering what shirt to wear. I said "who you trying to impress?" thinking, "obviously not me...." with some feeling of sadness... I remember a time in a previous relationship when I was not invited to a club with my ex because it was a boys night...only later to find out that that was just code for "no girl friends" night but all other ladies may apply. Needless to say that was another nail in the coffin... Tonight I sit here wondering if I'm in the right to be so freaked out by this or if my amygdala is simply over reacting to a perceived threat based on experience. Either way I feel my boyfriend is definitely being a hypocrite about it... Why does the girl friend always seem like the crazy person in these situations? This is extremely irritating and I don't know how to deal with me stomach getting all woozy and my brain over thinking and making up worst case scenarios. It's hard for me to believe a bunch of guys went to the club and didn't dance with random girls. I know if I acted that way he wouldn't be too pleased. I don't know if he's actually dancing with other girls but I really don't like the thought of it.

Bathroom breaks. Is there a limit?

Last night was our staff meeting at work where we basically go over rules and concerns etc. Why did I open my big mouth? Now I have anxiety to go to my stupid job because I managed to reveal my uptight nature regarding workplace etiquette - or so it would appear in this crowd. I made a comment about how I had noticed a huge increase in bathroom breaks and that I thought we should beable to plan our bathroom breaks around lunches and coffee breaks. Not that you wouldn't ever need to go to the bathroom outside those times, but that it would be better if bathroom breaks weren't being abused and taken 10 times in a 2 hour period between breaks. I notice it because I'm usually the one that has to cover for people and I end up being on til all day because every person decides they need a bathroom break every time I come to bag for them. Worst is that they take a ten minute bathroom break and I see them wondering in the store talking to other workers, or when I'm on lunch I see them preparing their lunches, texting, and basically doing everything but going to the bathroom. Well apparently I just insulted everyone and now I am hated. I am actually scared to go to work because I fear people are going to give me the cold shoulder and make comments. I was met with remarks liek "excuse me it's none of your business what I do in the bathroom" (as though I wanted to know?), and "I can't help it I have a small bladder", and "I don't monitor other people's bathroom breaks", and " How do i know how much you hydrated today". In my opinion the point was completely missed - in any other workplace many of my co-workers would have been fired already for taking an unusual amount of breaks of all kinds. For some reason being considerate and actually doing work at work is a hugely unfair task. Anyways, I feel like people sincerely don't like me solely because I pointed out that as adults you should be-able to control when your bathroom breaks are. Does no one agree with this? Am i just a stuck up bitch? In most work places one might get labeled a "dog-fucker" for acting like how we do at my work. The work ethic is appalling. I almost want to go to safeway just to work in a stricter environment.

Convocation

Until the actual day of convocation I hadn't been too excited about finishing university. Now I realize that attending that ceremony actually improved my self esteem (I guess that's what happens when people acknowledge your hard work sometimes - or maybe that I am now taking credit for it). Actually, I think it might have inflated my ego slightly (unnoticeably hopefully) because I got a degree with Distinction and now I am reassured that I am in fact smart. For awhile I was beginning to feel I was blending into society and no one gave a flying fuck what was going on in my head. It feels much better to walk around thinking, "hey I'm f**king smart, ok. I got Distinction."

Of course the very fact that I am acknowledging this is leading me down another deep thought path about the real importance of it and how it relates to "playing the game" in our culture and my own learned beliefs and values about success. Did I need this "reassurance" because I've been conditioned to do hard work for recognition and award? Would I have felt the same had I never been acknowledged?

I've also started thinking about things I'm good at that have helped me achieve what I have. Although some people may disagree that I am calm and collected, pointing out my panic attacks when the fire alarm in our apartment building goes off or my fear of a dark cloud that has the potential to become a tornado... I think I am actually quite good at handling stress. How else could I have managed a part-time job, soccer during my spare time, friends, dating, partying, and volunteering while doing full time classes and achieving Distinction at that! I also realize this when I'm at work, or even in personal relationships, when people are freaking out about thoughts or difficult situations that I have no problems contemplating or considering a solution to. Maybe that is how I got Distinction: by always considering changes to be new challenges to over come or welcoming them as twists and adventures in my life path.

The past few months been full of self exploration. From moving out to convocation. I am thinking in different ways - reevaluating what is working and what isn't. One thing I can say is that my coping strategies are working (not including fire alarm panics...). I feel a lot more confident than at the beginning of the year.

Tainted Olive Branch

Yesterday my mom told me she saw one of my "old friends" (or should I say... most recent - possibly only - enemy) out for dinner with her family. They exchanged hellos and my mother spoke with her mother. She later informed me of this which I found interesting. I had no real emotion about it. For the most part I try and be positive, hope for the best for that individual and her family, but otherwise keep my distance.

Then... fairly predictably, another mutual friend of this person my mom saw, called me. I immediately knew why he was calling and was not surprised considering this event might be considered a "tremor" in a long since dormant volcano (anything for a little media eh?). He told me that he had met up with that ex-friend of mine and she told him about seeing my mom and how my mom had told her that I had finished school but was still looking for a job... (deerrrr... MOM what the heck? You're supposed to tell my foes that I'm living well and doing awesome - there's nothing like having the motto "there is no revenge like living well" busted.)

The ex-friend had told him to pass on the word to me that there is a job opening at the seniors home where she works for a kinesiologist and that she "would be glad" to pass on my resume. My first reaction to this news was "fuck that. I'm not walking into that trap." (it only seems logical that a person who is holding a grudge against you and finds happiness in your misery would take advantage of any opportunity they had...). My friend seemed annoyed at my reaction suggesting that she sounded sincere and it was a good opportunity. I realized my mistake in revealing my initial thoughts as I'm sure they weren't flattering on me, but replied by saying I'd probably pass because I didn't really want to work in a seniors home anyways...

The problem is that the past relationship I had with that person had been tarnished by broken trust and a series of unnecessary drama fabricated by that person. How could I ever see this as some kind of olive branch? She had already proven she was capable of first degree drama during our friendship - drama that literally seemed planned out. Although predictable in some cases due to her explosive nature, it was also very systematic, and there always seemed to be a hidden agenda. She had also proved that she believed in revenge and successfully orchestrated it on numerous occasions stating afterward that she "had got her revenge".

The conversation put a bug in my ear that began slowly burrowing into my brain. Maybe she had succeeded in her plan solely by telling him to pass on the message to me, predicting I would turn it down for the very reason I did... now she looks like a nice person, the bigger person, and I look like the one holding a grudge, refusing a job and a connection due to past grievences... there is no way to tell that story and not sound immature for turning down the opportunity. If I tell my parents or anyone else they will say "oh, maybe she wants to apologize, or be friends again." If only someone (there are others actually, others who witnessed what I did) who would see it my way. After all, do I not have a valid reason not to trust someone who has a history of being deviant and for lack of a better word, mean?

Inspiration

Today and last Saturday I went to the ranch with my mom to visit her horse. The ranch is almost magical. It's located in water valley, a beautiful area in Alberta about an hour NE of Calgary with abundant wildlife. When I go there I feel a sense of fullness - like everything a person needs to live comfortably is there. It's peaceful, no city distractions, lots of wilderness and space, and lots of love. The lady who owns the ranch is a very interesting person, and I often think that it was a great blessing for my mom and her to meet and bond over their passion for horses. It's almost like she gives a positive energy to the world. She's very spiritual, a vegetarian, a believer in animal rights and she treats her animals (dogs, chickens, cats, horses, etc.) like family and with great care. You can tell the animals are loved and are healthy and happy because they are so friendly, calm, and tolerant of each other. The Dog's and cats get along, they don't bother the chickens either, and the horses enjoy their company as well. One of the details that I especially find inspirational is the Tibetan prayer flags that she has hung on the tack-room eves. This is the area where everyone meets and brings their horses to feed and brush. My mom bought her those flags for a gift and I truly believe it has added a new level of peace and positivity to the atmosphere there.

Her house is also very unique. It is very open and filled with relics from the travels of he children - especially things from India and with spiritual significance. She gets along without buying many new things - something I very much admire in a person and hope to cultivate in myself (slowly but surely - I am working on it). There are sheets of fine material that hang from the ceiling that act

as "dividers" (I use this loosely because they simply hang in front of the bed and very vaguely separate rooms in a wide open basement) . The light passing through is orange and pink and creates a romantic and exotic ambiance. It feels as though you have stepped into another country - like creativity and energy in the cloths are filling the room with foreign music and prayers.

The floor is carpeted with pieces of old carpet patched together to cover the cement. Then larger beautiful rugs cover the spaces between the pieces of carpet. The beds have very comfortable looking sheets to top it off.

It's a very inspiration place that makes me want to start doing art again. I've been trying to get back into it for awhile now.

Laundry

sometimes i feel I'm climbing endless stairs

I feel a slight disappointment when I realize each step is the same as the last

I am still the same old me.

A lot of sitting and waiting, laundry and dishes

have I let myself become a house wife?

no, but how do I feel pretty again?

and I wonder, does my mother feel appreciated?

In the desert you can remember your name...

Upon reading my last two blogs (which are now deleted due to embarrassment) I realized my depression sounded silly. Not the depression itself, since I can still feel it lingering, but I realized that once I wrote it down it seemed as though I was actually just upset about not making enough money and possibly my "status" in society. I think this may have stemmed from recent comments made by friends and family about how much (or not much) money I make. It also doesn't help when I FEEL like I am constantly being compared to my more "well-off" peers, those who's careers are in line with that of business, engineering, and nursing. This is especially true when being compared to my sister who is in business. It seems like everything comes easier and if I had also taken business I would be more respected (by family and employers) and more likely to be hired (maybe not having to endure a struggle to find a foothold in a very competitive industry as I am now). I would also be payed more with less experience... just because it's business. It saddens me that I can not get hired in a filing room because I do not have a business degree (yet filing seems like one of those jobs that is not only learnable but also completely devoid of needing skill). But then I look back on this and wonder, "why do I want to work in a filing room anyways?" (aside from the fact that I would make more money than being a kinesiologist, who makes only one dollar more than I do now as a cashier). In the end it comes down to financial stress, combined with the stress of the job hunt itself. I've also managed to unearth some self-esteem issues and have actually caught myself thinking on several occasions "If I were prettier I would have been hired" and things of the like. In conclusion, I suppose I'm currently battling a little self esteem demon, a learned belief that money equals worth, and some financial strains (present and potential).