NAWWWT jokes.

So the past few weeks I felt like God was pulling a few Not-jokes on me. First I was signed up for a personal training course only to get a call a week prior saying that it was cancelled. I was so pumped and then so disappointed. Those courses are very difficult to find at a convenient time (that doesn't interfere with school). So that dream was swiftly crushed... at least within the time frame I hoped for. Then, I applied to a practicum at school. I got all beautified and went to meet this lady who ran a program called TrymGym. If I couldn't get my AFLCA certificate then why not get practical experience and credit for school? Well, she was a weirdo. Didn't ask me a single interview question. Basically just told me that she didn't think it was good for me to do in the fall because she only had one session available a week for a student and they prefer you to do two (only without actually saying any of this directly, and more implying it through stories about the program). Plus I'd have to rearrange my work schedule in order to get that one shift. The end of the interview was pure awkward when she sat in silence. I kept wondering if this was the end... she was so unclear and unprofessional. Then I simply said "ok, well how about i contact you tomorrow morning and let you know if I can change my schedule" in an attempt to close the conversation (she obviously wanted to but was awkwards and didn't know how to). She says "ok." and then sits there silently again. WTF So then I said nice to meet you and left her office. She didn't even get out of her chair. What. the. heck. I felt so defeated. I was also pissed because she could've saved herself half an hour and me two hours or more of getting ready by simply saying "I'm sorry we are all full accept one spot on monday evenings, however that won't meet your required hours criteria so I suggest you try again in winter". The deadline was the next day. Hey you're gonna geta practicum placement todau - NNNAAWWWT! But then the next day in a desperate attempt to find a placement I went to the placement coordinator and met this technologies guy who i will work with thsi semester - finally something goes right. Also my phone broke, so i might get a new one (this breaks even I guess). A girl in my class told me after i went to the awkward interview, "that just means something better is coming". Some people have a way of making things seems better. Maybe destiny is at work.

Cruising

What can I say? Not much to update. Life's been good. I went to Jasper and it was beautiful! I can't believe all the hidden gems alberta has to offer (and you thought it was just big prairie land full of rednecks, oil, and Banff). I saw two really sweet waterfalls. They must be the kind that fake ones are modelled after because they were awe striking when seen in real life. God truley is a great designer. He even made real mountains that look like those fake ones at the Calgary Zoo in dinosaur land - or maybe those were designed after those mountains? I need to go to drumheller and investigate. Anyways, these moutains were like drumheller on top except in Jasper. I also saw a black bear when driving in the campground.



I particularly enjoyed my company because he had the same explorative style as me - we love exploring! and it's hard to find someone who will read all the information plaques at tourist attractions, haha. We stopped at the columbia ice fields and took a gander at the glacier. They had signs that indicated where the glacier had been at different years (it's been receding). In the early years (from 1890 to about 1950) it receeded fairly slowly... maybe 25 meters every twenty years. I'm guessing increases in human activity (since industrialization really took off) have increased the rate of the glacier melting. After 1950 around there were longer distances between the signs. From 1992 until today there is about 80 - 100 meters... It's a bit scarey. How much will be left for my children to see? What changes does the future hold for such environemtally dependent attractions and wonders?

I'm excited for school to start again! I checked out the new

mall at cross iron mills today and bought a few new things. IMPORTANT TIP: If you haven't noticed yet, all the La Senzas in Calgary suck balls lately. They only sell super fugly bright coloured cotton bras with seams all over or weird letters... not my style anyways... ALL THE GOOD STUFF WAS SENT TO BALZAC!! The La Senza there is amazing and I was able to find a nice normal, microfiber nude bra. It was awesome. That was the highlight of the shopping experience. I thought Miss Sixty would be it but after seeing the amazing two level one in Vegas it's pretty hard to impress me now haha. Yay for a return to dressing decent after my bummish summer!

Liberation & Little Coincidences

An update on my life. A good one finally. Let's just say... in regards to my last blog, "friendships" have been revised (at least for now) and life has been drama free since the "amputation". Had a good weekend with mature people who know how to have fun and not at the expense of other's. It's about time.

One of these night's I had a dream that I was a hair stylist trying to convince a client that they should get frosted tips on their newly cut short blond hair. When I awoke I could not remember the face of the person, only that it was someone I currently know. I had written down what hair they should get on a small piece of cardboard. Somewhere else in my dream (might have even been one of those weird falling asleep thoughts) I was confused because I could not remember for the life of me what a parsnip was. I had visions of every fruit and vegetable I could imagine but could never bring up the picture of a parsnip. Nope...not this, this is blueberries, this is plums, this is celery root... and so on.
Today at work some small coincidences occurred. One of the first orders of the day was a parsnip. We haven't had them in stock for awhile. I knew what it was immedietly and recalled my dream briefly - this is a parsnip. Later on a coworker who recently cut his long hair came to work. It was plain before, today it was trimmed with frosted tips (he has blond hair too). I mentioned it to him and he asked why don't I dream up him winning the lottery. If all my dreams came true this would be a really messed up world! (insert laughing here).

In other news, I am now on disc 3 of season 2 of Dexter. The preimer of season 4 starts september 27. This is my new favourite Tv show even though I've never actually watched it as such. Just on DVDs.

Pain in my Neck.

New poem called Gangrene:
You're like an infection
a festering wound of the flesh
you're never happy unless pestering
keeping the pus flowing fresh

Ignoring the problem just spreads it
until it's under every inch of my skin
til the pain is so thick i can't feel it
it grows green and sickening

No medicine can heal the affliction
Retort is an oil on the burn
No use to tolerate your infliction
I've learned that this just reoccurrs.

the only solution is to amputate
to cut off the limb that is lame
For us it seems to be too late
to salvage the dying remains

the germ that you spawned is growing
rapidly forging its fate
its host it is slowly destroying
but no more will you irritate

I will go numb before I go insane
peeling the dead layers away
scraping away the worms of your bane
meanwhile you will be left to decay


This poem was inspired by the fucking stupid drama that a certain person continuously puts in my life. The thread of my patience is worn very thin. I am beggining to reconsider sticking with it because I just can't take this grade two shit anymore. It seems like even when I'm doing my part to steer clear of stupidness somehow "someone" always has to try and make my life miserable (but indirectly of course, because it would be just to easy to directly anger me... let's make me the middle man instead and disect my life into pieces so I can never have a harmonious relationship with anyone). There's only so much I can stand before someone gets "amputated". From previous incidents I have already determined that the foundation of trust has been completely shattered... I can only walk on this glass for so long before it slices me, and when I get hurt there is hell to pay. Good friends DO NOT act like this. Good friends campaigne for you happiness, they don't attempt to undermine it.


hahaha. sorry that paragraph was abit overdramatic.. . you're right, I'm not sorry! I needed to vent my true feelings!!

Who woulda thunk it?

Sooo.... this is kind of a continuation of the last blog I guess - an update shall we say?

I went out for dinner with my friend. It was awesome. It felt like I found my soul mate. It's almost scarey... is this even possible? The next line will reassure you of this fact for sure (lol):

He brought me flowers!!! OMG *insert girly moment of insane giggling and shortness of breath here* I haven't gotten flowers since high school... and definitely not on the first date! wow. talk about romantic. hahaha as for the juicey details... i think i'll leave some mystery and you can find that out later. ;-)

Whoa WHOA Whoa. And Giddyup!

SO some weird stuff has happened... I dipped my toe into the sea of online dating and got a profile on plenty of fish.com. As I expected... a lot of uninteresting messages came and nothing truly amazing happened. I did see this one guy but I have a feeling I've been indirectly rejected as it would seem I can now fully relate to that movie "he's just not that into you". BUT like the movie suggests, hopes don't die easily and because my rejection was little more than a failure to return messages within a certain "reasonable" amount of days I can still feel some crushlike feeling clinging there for dear life... He also called me "bud" in a facebook chat which struck me slightly odd, like maybe it was an attempt to hint that the possibility of more than "buds" is not there. I don't know... Or maybe I do but don't want to admit. I'm thinking of waiting a bit longer and then just straight up asking "hey, have I been indirectly rejected? just wondering..." I don't like being in the dark.
As one door closes, another door opens. Or should I say one door slightly closes and another seems to be unlocked... dilemmas dilemnas. So another guy fully just admitted he has a crush one me. Problem is he's a friend. And not just a normal type friend because that would make things much simpler. Instead, he a friend that is part of "the group" so there's that issue with "group dynamic" and more than likely future drama. I'm trying to remain calm and just "go with the flow" or in the words of Rhianna "live your life hey eeeeheeheh!" What can you do eh? We could ingore it or we could not ignore it. I don't know. You've probably figured out by now that I'm not an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just plain confusing. I'm thinking I should live my life (like the song), check out every possibility and take a really long time to come to decisions, unless immediate action is warranted - that rarely occurs.

Personal Goals to Improve Interpersonal Relationships

Well, a lot of stupid drama has occurred lately as I have explained in earlier blogs (sort of). In light of this situation I've come to a common sensicle conclusion allowing me to set a few personal goals that will hopefully make my life easier in the future. They are mainly obvious, and mostly meant to redirect me back to a path that I somehow wondered off of so I can live my life according to my true values, and not according to momentary reactions or feelings. It will be difficult but I am sincerely prepared to alter my interractions for what i believe will be a better outcome. Along with every goal are a few process goals. I will state them here in order to have a written record not easily lost in the muddle of thoughts that is my brain.

1. Never speak about friends in a negative way behind their back regardless of the intensity of emotion that I feel in the moment. I will begin by changing "rants" into praises and simply saying "I don't want to talk about it" when someone insists on gossiping, or by annoying the gossiper with praise about the person they are cutting down. ha
2. Find a third party confidante who is trustworthy. Even if I have to go to councellor or something I will not use any person who doesn't want that position, or who has proven in some way that they are untrustworth with my feelings. This may mean a reevaluation of close frienships. I realize this goal slightly conflicts with the first, however, being realistic, I also realize that it is unhealthy to bottle emotions and sometimes having a social support network is necessary. It would probably not hurt to have someone to ask advice of or to help me sort out emotions about particularly stressful incidents.
3. The truth will set you free (or "honesty is always the best policy except for when its not" haha). I had this goal awhile back. I consider myself a pretty honest person already so the problem is not really so much with honesty as it is with expressing feelings. If someone pisses me off I will confront them in a mature manner (face to face) and tell them my feelings (without being accusative or anything just, "I am feeling angry because this happened"). Then I will enagge in active listening. I will also use my newly learned stress coping skills to calm my mind and body, and problem solve with clear thoughts. I think I've been doing better at this one than I used to, but part of good goal setting is reevaluation and review. My main goal thou is to avoid getting tangled in a mess ro making things worse which brings me back to goal 1.

off on a tangent: Is drama the most appropraite label for conflicts and interpersonal difficulties? Or does it make things worse by suggesting it is somehow a created thing for the purpose of entertainment, giving those involved "permission" to carry it on and make it bigger? Subjectively the use of the label drama might imply that problems are made better or made more entertaining the bigger they are, paralleling the use of drama in the arts and entertainment industries. The more shocking the drama, the more tragic the outcome, or the bigger the rollercoaster the more popular the story. Maybe we subjectively desensitize ourselves, and minimize the REAL effect of conflict on people's mental and physical well being by labelling normal occurances in our lives as drama. Maybe by labelling it in purely factual terms (conflict, difficulty, problem) the situation would be interpreted more realistically and be taken more seriously, instead of exagerated or catastrophized.