Skull Pressure

Update! I am now a personal trainer. I got the job and have started shadowing other trainers and learning the tricks of the trade. SO much to know! If you ever want to feel like your education is insufficient and that you really know nothing in the grand scheme of things, try working with the public and designing individualized programs that will help this or that ailment. Maybe you've had that experience before so you can relate. I've started even a bit earlier than I expected... to add to the overwhelming nature of learning a new job, I am doing this during final exams... and while I study for the Pt exam itself... and while I still have my other job. Whoa! I have never wanted to go into that weird labrinth thing at the university so badly just to walk in circle and do nothing. Even my new job has homework - look up exercises! write a bio for yourself! practice interviews on family! It's fun, but overwhelming. I feel like my brain is going to explode!

No Turning Back

I did it. There's no turning back now. The send button was clicked.... the email was sent into cyberspace and the recipient will soon open it and read my beautifully written coverletter... and judge my resume. Something told me I could do it. Something let me know that I couldn't let the past interfere with my goals. I wanted to be a personal trainer. For days I was researching positions and contemplating how I might get to this point and suddenly an opportunity was handed to me - literally placed in my hand on a peice of paper with a lady's name and email and the words "looking for personal trainers". I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I worried about things but I know I can deal with any challenge that comes my way - even "that". My sign also told me that I need to focus on my goal and ignore any "distractions" or "inconveniences" that come along with it. I still have a knot in my stomache and I'm sure it will take awhile to dissipate but in the big picture I feel I am on the right track. Perhaps it was a test... I have to move forward and let go of past grievences.

Infiltration

Here's the dilemma. I pretty much got offered a job (from a lady I worked with at my old job) to work at a gym as a PT. It's like a job just fell out of the sky! Crazy! But... there's a catch... It seems a bit ironic. This gym happens to be the same one that an ex-friend goes to. Imagine the awkwardness of working there and potentially running into her.... In some ways I feel that if I don't take this job because of that reason, I am throwing a way a gift - every rose has its thorn right? BUT I know that me living my life ... dipping my foot in the pond, simply being somehow associated with that person, could cause a wave in one form another... It's like I can't get away from it... it keeps coming back. It seems too much of a coincidence in life for this dilemma to take place. What should I do? If I don't take the job I'm letting the pettiness of the situation control my life - literally (job choices? really?) and if I do.... that's the mystery. At this point I'm leaning toward taking the job and not letting the fitness facility choices of people I'm on bad terms with deter me from a potentially great job experience... it's in the back of mind though - maybe I'm just worrying.

Peripherals.

I had a heart to heart with a friend related to my previous blog. Both of us are in a similar situation, but our life goals put a different spin on it. She started by saying that she was happy to know that no matter what when she graduated she would have a job - even if it was just a personal trainer. I said I felt the exact opposite - how will I make money when the only jobs available are minimum wage? We determined this difference in perspective was do to my plan to move out and live independently... hopefully soon, while she was in no rush to give up the luxury of living at home. Then we started wondering what our careers will be. Did we study the right thing? What are we doing here now, only a few courses away from graduation...? I told her about how the pedorthist program was changed and now much less appealing, and how my family had questioned why (and if) I was even interested in that field. They seem "disappointed", like I haven't met their expectations, while my sister pursuing business is on a "true" path to success as a cunning business lady with a million options non of which come with a small pay cheque. We continued on about our perspectives on success, and being people of many interests, our confusion and consideration of other fields. She suggested I might like architecture and I confessed I had this idea before - and a bit of a dream to design buildings that promoted physical activity among cooperate people... it's an idea. It as good we had this discussion because I suppose I feel more free to consider other options and not force myself to pursue excellence in health care without further education (is that even possible?).

We also stepped back and looked at the big picture - that one where time isn't always running out - maybe enjoy the moment. Look back on the past and realize how far you've made it already because some people never get here. Lots of people forget the good things they've done and measure success by the number of failures they've had compared to a perfect zero - instead of the number of successes they've had. Then I had another conflicting thought about how spirituality might hinder success and make you strive less... and then I realize that that depends on your definition of success... am I caught in the money = success ideology? It's a tough world to live in when success is measured by how big your house is, how nice your car is, and if all your kids went to post secondary... what about being happy? Oh the confusion. What if I did decided to be a personal trainer for the rest of my life because I liked it? Would my family avoid telling their friends about the fate of their daughter? would they wonder where they went wrong? How come?

Anyways, on a separate note: I noticed that last night my fan was on. But I couldn't see it in the dark when i looked directly at it. I could only see it from my peripheral vision - probably because it was movement - changes in light and dark - and my periphery has more rods than cones to perceive that condition. the center of my retina has more cones - colour sensitive that require more light to work - which is why looking directly at the dark fan in the dark made it hard to see. A scientific explanation for something I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise...

What will I do?

I had my eye on this program which I was considering for after I graduate. It sounded really good because it was a paid internship - but today I went on the website again and it's like it disappeared!! I can't find it at all - it's completely changed. Why would they tell me about this in January and then destroy the opportunity before I even graduate (the degree is necessary to do the program)? I can't even describe the anger in my throat right now... It's like all my time spent planning ahead and the stress that I put into decision making is totally useless... I feel like I'm just going to be a bum living in my parents house for the rest of my life... I feel completely hopeless. I need to make some kind of living in order to advance farther in life... but it seems like all the routes are blocked some how. Everyone around my keeps asking what I'm going to do... I HAD A PLAN! even a B and a C. and now after doing some job hunting it seems like all my plans are just falling apart.... there are no jobs for students, there are no jobs at all. What will they say now? Why do I care what they say? Maybe it's because I don't want to be the 30 year old daughter living at home who's boyfriend realized she was going to become nothing and left her.

In your eyes are golden forest floors

where the sunlight peeks through the trees

and rests upon a soft moss bed and

passes through the ripples of a cool bubbling creek

The only sounds are nature's whispers

peace and harmony

I feel I've found a haven

protected by the shelter of the forest canopy

In your smile there is a clearing, cast with warm sun beams

flecked with wild flowers that pervade the aura of a dream

The refreshing breeze suggests adventure as it brushes at my back

This is where I'm suppose to be
because the woods are so dark and wild
without you next to me

Reticular Formation

The title of this blog has very little to do with the actual blog. The reticular formation is thought to be the part of your brain that joins the mind and the body (connection between the brain and spinal cord), therefore it is of special interest for those studying the mind body relationships, such as myself... That's as far as I've gotten in my attempt at studying as today is friday - and not just any at that. Today is the day after thursday, the day before saturday, the day connecting the week to the weekend - yes, today is march 12th - the day after March 11th which happens to be my birthday. Yesterday I ate marble slab ice cream cake and it was good. Maybe it even deserves a section in the creation story - "and marble slab ice cream cake was invented and god said it was good. Then he added gummy bears and raspberries and that was good too." Yes, yesterday was also a very busy day aside from eating birthday cake. The day before yesterday was also a busy day and the day before that as well... it seems I haven't had much time to be social outside of specific obligations.
Even tonight busy. I will be at the auto show showing off the solar car. I have memorized a sheet of facts so I don't sound like an idiot when answering questions. This was necessary because my role on the solar car team had almost nothing to do with the car itself. In fact it's more related to the reticular formation than it is the solar car. But alas I am excited for this opportunity... in all a not so informative blog today, sorry. I must return to my studying of psychophysiology.