Finding out too late, too soon.

The other day I had a very strange experience. Surreal. Not in a good way. It started as one of those nights where I decided my brain needed a break from real life to take a gander through my friend's facebook pages. Perhaps I was bored... or perhaps I was trying to feed some kind of subconscious hunger for gossip. In any case, I found something.
I was snooping on one of my old pal's profile who doesn't update very much. I noticed a status that read "Loren you will be missed... RIP". It caught my attention because we have a mutual friend named Loren. I felt my breath instantly become shallower as I started to type Loren's name into the search bar. I clicked on his thumbnail profile pic and was brought to his familiar page. At this point I was still thinking that it might be a joke. The first thing I noticed was that his fiance had been the only person posting on his wall for the entire visible part. Each one of her posts was a little summary of her day and some thoughts, followed by I love you. I scrolled down and down and down, reading older and older posts. Most were hers, one or two were written in an Asian language from others, and there was also one that was A quote from the bible. It all seemed to match... perhaps he really had past away.
I checked back on my other friends page as to when it was posted, finding out that it was the end of March. I scrolled down to the march postings on Loren's page... the last post he made March 18th... the first post indicating that anything was wrong was his cousin's post - something about he will be dearly missed - March 23. What happened?! I was in utter shock... how had this happened? and how did I not find out until now?
I had commented on his wall about how cute the picture of him and his fiance was on March 11th. Both him and her had liked it. When he first met her he sent me emails telling me about how he thought he had found "the one". He described their first date - it was so romantic - cheesy... but in a good way. I met him when I was 18. He came to visit my friends in lethbridge who had met him in Alaska when they lived their for a few years. We hit it off instantly and kept in touch via email and phone a few times, and facebook. He was such a nice guy with a great sense of humour. I always felt he was a "soul friend" ( I use this term to describe friends that don't have to see each other often or even know each other well but it's as though they know each other on a deeper level - like their spirits know each other or something...). Loren was one of those people I cared about without ever being close (we live in different countries) or even talking much - it was just "known".
Such a vacant feeling... I knew it was real but kept thinking "how could this be?" He wasn't ready (clearly God felt differently). I've been trying to get a hold of our mutual friends but after several years and busy lives we've drifted apart - plus they don't use facebook that much anymore.... to no avail - I still don't know how it happened.

In conclusion, I suppose I've taken away from this experience a knew appreciation for the fragility and dynamic quality of life. "The only constant in the world is change". I've also come to feel very thankful for having had the chance to know Loren and the better part of his personality. His life was like a tragic chick flick... something like the notebook I guess. A real life story illustrating the power and importance of love. I shed a few tears thinking about the power of his short life, and how it seems as though his death was like the period at the end of a very meaningful story.

Low Maintenance Blues

I feel like I look pretty homely lately. The problem is that I don't have time to put makeup on, do my hair nice (or at all), and I work a lot so my wardrobe is mainly comfy pants and tshirts. I was looking up low maintenance makeup routines on google only to find that other people's version of low maintenance is my version of getting dressed up. Putting on foundation AND concealer AND blush?! And that's not even including the eye shadow and lip gloss. THAT'S low maintenance?! In my opinion, putting on foundation and concealer and blush is the beginning of high maintenance because it takes more than 5 minutes to do. They might say it takes only 5 minutes but that's a lie. Have you ever tried the so called "low maintenance" makeup routine? It takes me at least half an hour to do. Five more minutes and I might as well be getting ready for a glamorous party of some sort (not including the hair). Isn't there something I can do that takes 15 minutes or less and doesn't require any kind of overly expensive products? Is that too much to ask? Do I have to convert myself into some kind of prissy girl in order to look decent? Why can't people just think I look good the way I am?

And another rant... Why can't anyone seem to accept my natural hair colour? I'm trying to save money people. It costs almost 200$ to get a nice hair cut and colour these days and I simply can't afford that. I'd rather do other fun expensive things, but I keep getting questions asked of me like "when will you get highlights again? You look really good with blonde hair," and similar things. The real question is do I look that bad with my natural light brown hair colour? Is there something wrong with me or everyone else because they care that much about if I look dolled up or not? WTF. Maybe I should just sleep and rott in bed and then I'll only ever have to wear pajamas.

Thank you community natural foods for allowing me to be low maintenance. And F U as well because now that I am, no body likes me so I think I'll go and eat worms. :-P

Perfection is an arbitrary reference set as a standard to which all else compared to it is considered imperfect. Who decides what it is and why do we strive for "it"?

Stairs, Geese, and Blogging

I'm a bit pissed off that either this program or this computer won't let me copy and paste between my blogs. wtf. Anyways, I've been blogging more on PT blog just because it's mostly been related to exercise and that kind of stuff.

Today's was about my stair work out with a friend and how I need to start running again because I don't like to be behind when working out with people hahaha, competitive? a bit i guess.

The other part was about how I noticed myself greeting the animals in prince's island park and in some cases smiling and nodding at them as if they were people. Most of them looked back at me and one goose I swear nodded back. I think he undestood. Prince's Island Park is so nice in the morning and there is so much wildlife.

WORK WORK WORK

So I've been working alot lately, as you might guess from the title. I've also discovered that being a personal trainer is way more work than I ever expected - so as not to bore you, or mix personal life and business, I made another blog dedicated to stuff about personal training: PTblog1.blogspot.com. It's not editted yet or made to look nice yet, it may not even fly, I just need to get the idea that having one might be a good idea off my brain by acually making one. Most likely alot of the stuff from this blog will also appear there is it overlaps (such as this one).

In other news, I went to body worlds which was pretty sweet. It was a good refresher on anatomy and very interested. My BF came too and was pleasantly surprised to find that dead bodies are not as gross as one might imagine - in fact they're fascinating. Highly recommend going to that.

Head Filled with Fitness

Nothing much interesting has happened in my life in the last little bit other than the new job. I suppose I am thankful for this. I started training my first client on Friday, so we've had two sessions so far. I'm not sure if things are too easy or too hard. The first session they were too easy I think... maybe today I made it too hard. We'll see.

Skull Pressure

Update! I am now a personal trainer. I got the job and have started shadowing other trainers and learning the tricks of the trade. SO much to know! If you ever want to feel like your education is insufficient and that you really know nothing in the grand scheme of things, try working with the public and designing individualized programs that will help this or that ailment. Maybe you've had that experience before so you can relate. I've started even a bit earlier than I expected... to add to the overwhelming nature of learning a new job, I am doing this during final exams... and while I study for the Pt exam itself... and while I still have my other job. Whoa! I have never wanted to go into that weird labrinth thing at the university so badly just to walk in circle and do nothing. Even my new job has homework - look up exercises! write a bio for yourself! practice interviews on family! It's fun, but overwhelming. I feel like my brain is going to explode!

No Turning Back

I did it. There's no turning back now. The send button was clicked.... the email was sent into cyberspace and the recipient will soon open it and read my beautifully written coverletter... and judge my resume. Something told me I could do it. Something let me know that I couldn't let the past interfere with my goals. I wanted to be a personal trainer. For days I was researching positions and contemplating how I might get to this point and suddenly an opportunity was handed to me - literally placed in my hand on a peice of paper with a lady's name and email and the words "looking for personal trainers". I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I worried about things but I know I can deal with any challenge that comes my way - even "that". My sign also told me that I need to focus on my goal and ignore any "distractions" or "inconveniences" that come along with it. I still have a knot in my stomache and I'm sure it will take awhile to dissipate but in the big picture I feel I am on the right track. Perhaps it was a test... I have to move forward and let go of past grievences.