So here is my attempt at beggining journaling including thoughts that I usually try and refrain from writing about. Apparently to actually get the benefits of journaling you can't censor your thoughts - good or bad - because the whole point is to figure out how to deal with them better.

First off, I will start by writing that I generally try not to blog about negative feelings because for some reason I feel like I'm going to jinx myself and make them become more real.

Seondly, I need to express the feeling of feeling guilty for having the feeling of needing to express feelings... wow. Anyways, I feel guilty for having non-positive thoughts about my life because they seem silly, like a big WIM story, like I'm taking things for granted. None the less, they still occurr and maybe this is an appropriate way of dealing with them.

On Saturday I went out with my friends but afterward on the way home I started to feel very angry. A familiar feeling of being hurt (before it happens) occurred and I traced it's origins back to my boyfriend telling me that his new room mates whom he previously thought were a couple were actually not. He told me this several times and I had this poking in my brain start... what if he's telling me this because he's trying to get me jealous by suggesting that the girl is single? Also, he said he had met them but he had only told me what the guy looks like... in my past experience, men have had this strange tendency to place immediate judgement on girls they meet and are not attracted to but when they didn't it translated as some kind of general attraction... or maybe that is just the pattern of untrustworthy males of the past... I knew my feelings were just old scars getting poked by a new but all too familiar situation (new female with too much unsuperised access to my man!). I knew I was acting crazy. It was almost like I couldn't control it though... my throat started to close, I could feel tears tensing behind my eyes and my stomache get queazy. My boyfriend called me and asked if I was coming over and I was like a demon speaking from my body "if you want me too. maybe you'd rather hang out with your room mate." I was met with "why are you turning all bitchy" with which I tried to correct the situation by suggesting I was angry from the boredom of my night out. I tried to hide the sharpness of my voice. On the way to his house my mind was racing. A fight between emotion and logical thinking ensued and I was almost brought to tears a few times. I felt like I was going crazy. I kept thinking I should see a counsellor. Why do I feel this way? Hastely answered by a recount of all the things he had said and their possible secret meanings... the potential for something to happen. When I got to his house I couldn't hold my tongue. I told him my feelings and why I felt that way.... at first I was met with anger, "well maybe you should just leave then. If I had known you would be all crazy...." (I don't remember how that sentence ended). I tried so hard not to cry. I apologized and said I felt like a crazy woman had come out of me from somewhere. The discussion was short lived and seemed to be resolved after some discussion about how his room mate was much older than him and overweight and thus I had nothing to worry about. I felt better - and worse at the same time. Now... the jealousy problem seems easier to work on, but it's been replaced by the fear that he will never trust me again... thinking that I don't trust him (I do trust him... I was temporarily overwhelmed by a swell of primal emotion). I feel like I have to forever hold my tongue and neer suggest I am jealous ever again or he will be so angry and leave me.

The end result is somewhat of a depression I have fell into. I feel sad and afraid - and for no apprent reason. For things I have thought up that don't exist.... Why have I done this? What is wrong with me? My logic brain keeps trying to find a solution... research has told me that my jealousy is evidence of insecurities.... and maybe its true. But if good people I know and beautiful celebrities get cheated on what makes me so sure it won't happen to me? I'm trying to find a way to feel better...