Convocation

Until the actual day of convocation I hadn't been too excited about finishing university. Now I realize that attending that ceremony actually improved my self esteem (I guess that's what happens when people acknowledge your hard work sometimes - or maybe that I am now taking credit for it). Actually, I think it might have inflated my ego slightly (unnoticeably hopefully) because I got a degree with Distinction and now I am reassured that I am in fact smart. For awhile I was beginning to feel I was blending into society and no one gave a flying fuck what was going on in my head. It feels much better to walk around thinking, "hey I'm f**king smart, ok. I got Distinction."

Of course the very fact that I am acknowledging this is leading me down another deep thought path about the real importance of it and how it relates to "playing the game" in our culture and my own learned beliefs and values about success. Did I need this "reassurance" because I've been conditioned to do hard work for recognition and award? Would I have felt the same had I never been acknowledged?

I've also started thinking about things I'm good at that have helped me achieve what I have. Although some people may disagree that I am calm and collected, pointing out my panic attacks when the fire alarm in our apartment building goes off or my fear of a dark cloud that has the potential to become a tornado... I think I am actually quite good at handling stress. How else could I have managed a part-time job, soccer during my spare time, friends, dating, partying, and volunteering while doing full time classes and achieving Distinction at that! I also realize this when I'm at work, or even in personal relationships, when people are freaking out about thoughts or difficult situations that I have no problems contemplating or considering a solution to. Maybe that is how I got Distinction: by always considering changes to be new challenges to over come or welcoming them as twists and adventures in my life path.

The past few months been full of self exploration. From moving out to convocation. I am thinking in different ways - reevaluating what is working and what isn't. One thing I can say is that my coping strategies are working (not including fire alarm panics...). I feel a lot more confident than at the beginning of the year.