A Meditation Playlist

I awoke, startled by the sound of rain falling all around me. At first it was frightening, like a loud TV screen gone fuzzy. Then suddenly I felt the rain drops falling on the back of my body. The rain fell all over. Minature stones tapping the back of my skull. Everywhere inside. A storm was inside. I listened and tried to feel the drops. Invisible in the darkness, and then they slowly faded away into silence. A voice told me to relax and to imagine going into a light in my solar plexus.

There was lightening inside a dark cloud. The voice said "dive into the light" and I was swimming through a dark grey cloud that lit with green billows when the electricity shot through it. Then I was in a cave. It was a smooth cave with hardly any rocks and a very clear, very still, shallow, stream running through it. The silence was peaceful. The voice was telling me to find my soul's purpose but the image was not particularly useful to the question. I looked into the water and touched my hand to it causing it to ripple in all directions. I could not make out my reflection clearly but I could see the smooth round stones on the bottom of the stream.

The voice began speaking about following a light deeper and deeper and to become filled with light. The stream seemed to flow down a smooth blue lit tunnel on the far end of the cave. I put my hand on the wall as I began going into the tunnel. My hand was lit with indigo and I smiled at this. It as a different kind of rock, almost like ice or marble and it seemed to have its own light. Beyond a certain point, maybe 3 m in, I could not see anything but swirling mist. I began to feel anxiety and peace at the same time. I focused on the swirling mist - green, white, and blue. My breath made it swirl as I exhaled, but I was stuck despite the voice telling me to go farther.

Then I was back in the cave looking at the water. Back in the tunnel with my hand on the wall. Withdrawing from the mist. Back in the cave.

Stay here I thought and I focused on the water. I still could not see my reflection in the water but suddenly I was thinking of roses and me smiling with roses. I felt a deep desire to have roses and a flow of memories associated with connotations of roses filled my head. What about roses? I don't know. Finally the voice told me to come back and I began to feel my body.

I was so fucking mad.

Today I am feeling very out of control. The whole day has been a rollercoaster. There were a few laughs but they seem to fade into the distance as they are replaced by anger, irritability, and depression. This just sucks. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't understand what I'm supposed to learn from this garbage. Saturday is my birthday which I was excited for at one point but now I'm just frustrated and overwhelmed and I don't feel like planning anything. I was invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend who's birthday is the day before mine but I don't even want to attend. Why can't things be simple? Why is it all a big fucking mess right now? I just want to sleep all day and all night but that's boring so now I have to attempt to keep my mind occupied in some other way. All the space inbetween my occupations is just annoying and filled with anxiety. What to do what to do what to do.... I'm just so mad. I feel like that Little Critter book - except if I were little critter right now I'd have a machine gun, some gasoline, and a cigarette and the scene would be me walking away from an exploding... and exploding something.... pointing the machine gun directly at the "camera" and smoking a huge cigarette. That's how fucking mad I am. And this fucking computer can't go any slower. For fuck sakes, it's like PMS x856.

To My Beloved Creature

I wish I could tell you these things, and that if I did, they would mean as much to you as they mean in my mind. I wish that they wouldn't be the words of a sad or desperate girl but words from one spirit to another - or maybe, from one spirit to a person.

First I want you to see yourself as the person I have seen you as for the last few years. Through my eyes you are a very intelligent, confident, gentle person and these qualities found in someone of your stature, your profession, your background, etc. allow you to stand tall above others. You are like strong eagle soaring through a peacful sky or a lion gazing across a vast kingdom lit by golden sunshine. Solid like a rock, your peace, your justice, your power is impenitrible.

But you do not see this. You worry. You are the lion who trys to be a lamb. Why? I feel you are unable to see, or perhaps accept that you are as perfect as you can be. Perhaps you are sad, or maybe you are unable to see that a lion boasting to any other animal is foolish of him because he need simply to be alive to have his throne. The Lion is not meant to walk the low road. Loneliness is the price the lion pays to be the ruler - but he is really never alone because all the creatures want to be in his presence. It is only when the lion loses perspective, that he becomes a pathetic creature.

I see the lion and the eagle as synonmous. Both are lonely creatures because they are born to be above everyone else. They have power and we all know that, "with great power comes great responsibility". Sometimes being at the top is tiring because you are expected to always take the high road even when others choose not to. Sometimes you must fly between frigid cold mountain tops, or fight in a blistering serengeti and no one acknowledges your pain. There are others who scavange your hard work, who take for granted your loyalty and freedom. Maybe you are angry, and if so, then you have lost perspective. You have flown too low to the ground and envied the easy life of the lower creatures without ever living it. You have watched as they graze together in large numbers and felt you were by yourself. Sometimes the lion and the eagle forget who they are. They cannot see through the eyes of the rabbit, the mouse, the wolf, the zebra. They do not see themselves as something to be respected. They cannot see that all the other creatures wish to be them. And of course they do not see the resent that the other creatures have when their leaders abandon them.

This is what you have done. You have taken for granted the admirable position you have been granted with undue privlidge. You have used you broan to salughter the herd's young. You have killed the fish's brother and left him to dry in the sun. You left your home behind, allowed your pride to starve and whither away. The creatures no longer fear you. They shake their heads in shame, embarrassed of their leader.