Sometimes You Just Need One Question to Shake Your Head Straight

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a counselor at the University. I did it because I felt like I was getting overwhelmed with all my emotions rising up from the problems in my relationship. I can really attest to the value of having a complete stranger hear your story and then ask you some really good, structured questions to bring you to some realization - or maybe just to pry open the door of your brain so the good advice of others starts seeping in. I told her I felt like my brain was so over activated that it was feeling difficult to respond to the situation without thinking in extremes. Everyday it was all I thought about - it consumed my mind, made me cry almost everyday, and I felt angry and hurt every time I went home. On top of that, I was starting to get depressed to the point where my eating and sleeping habits were getting messed up, and I hadn't worked out (something I usually find enjoyment in) because I was taking naps instead. Overall, the whole situation was becoming bad for my mental, emotional, and physical health. She asked me some key questions and made some reflections and insights that really helped though. One of the most important ones was regarding me as an "active participant" in the situation, or rather the fact that I had not been. Instead I seemed to be taking on a very passive role. With one palm higher than the other she motioned saying " It seems to be that he is up here in terms of power and control and you're down here." I agreed, and said it felt like I did not have any control in the situation and that it was a constant struggle to try and reach the same level as him. I had been waiting for him to figure out his feelings and make a clear statement on what he wanted in the relationship because I already knew what I wanted, but instead he held three months of "I don't know" over my head which continue until this day (and probably until tomorrow or the next day when I finally tell him my side and call out his behavior).

She asked me if I stood up for myself in all this and when him and I have conversations. I told her I did not apologize for my feelings and I did state that I was hurt but after some reflection and thought on what it means to stand up for yourself, I guess I never really have. She also reflected to me that when I tried to answer her questions regarding my plans (potential plans) on how to get more power in the situation, or what I wanted to do in the future, I repeatedly said, "I don't want to hurt him." And she stated, "it's clear to me that he has hurt you and continues to do so and it's taking a huge toll on your life. I'm curious about why you are afraid to hurt him?" I drew a blank and that only the answer I could muster was something about the length of time in the relationship - I suppose that was suppose to mean that it is hard to want to hurt someone you care about... In the end I suppose she was telling me something all my friends and family had also been telling me, but instead of saying "wow he's a jerk, you need to give him a good smack down", she held a mirror up to me saying look what that person in there is doing (or rather - not doing).

I'm really glad I went because I realized I definitely need help with my problem of passivity. I also came out feeling a bit of relief in that I have thought up a middle of the road way to deal with the situation and take back control by stating through word and action, "look buddy, you can't treat me like this. You have made selfish decisions and I'm tired of being nice to you when you obviously don't care about my feelings. I'm taking a break from this until you can sort your shit out - then you can call me and tell me what you've decided, otherwise I'm moving on." So instead of seeing things in black and white, I have found the idea of "taking a break" (as you would call it) to be very appealing right now. For the first time in almost 3 months I feel like I have had a couple moments of clear breathing and genuine smiles.

Chapter 2: Under Construction

One day the news paper announced that the stock market had crashed. It was a long fall from the top as help wanted signs disappeared and high rises began to empty of employees. My father spent a year of unemployment redesigning his life and claiming back his health before finding a new and better position. For the most part we were cushioned by the resilience of the oil and gas industry, but I'd like to believe that some of it was due to good karma as my father was always a gentle person, who's strength was evident in his drive for success without ever being aggressive. We heard stories about how it was bad but according to my memory it seemed not much had changed except for the lingering construction projects. My parents added two dogs to the family and my father's corporate gut began to shrink soon after.

At the same time I finished school and began searching for a "real job" in the "real" world. Competition was fierce and job prospects scarce, not surprisingly. I was lucky to be employed part time where I could easily have more hours. Though my income barely placed me above the poverty line, I did not feel poor by any means. We moved in together that spring and I bought healthy groceries with my expendable income. Our incomes combined allowed us to rent a decent, if not spectacular apartment for a young couple. The support of my family made my transition to independence seamless, or so I thought.

Also to be continued...

Chapter 1: The Attic

He arrived just as the boom was teetering on the edge of the parabola, as though it were making an unwise attempt to defy gravity, gazing as far down the slope as possible without slipping into the inevitable valley below. There were jobs here and money and that was the main reason he packed up and traveled almost 5000 kilometers from his childhood home near the ocean. He came from a small town and brought with him all the charm that we city folk believe a small town person might have. My first impression of him was of a bold soul, articulate and outgoing, but best of all balanced. When life became hectic with the pleasures of summer we took naps.

My family welcomed him into our home. He attended birthday dinners where we had a cake for each person who's month it was. March was quite glutinous in particular. How cute that he was unfamiliar with ethnic food, was kind to the animals, and enjoyed fine dining as much as I did. We both were dedicated to our good health and physiques, as well as upholding a strong work ethic. He shared many of the same values as me. Someone like that is hard to find when your culture

does not arrange it for you.

After one year, I flew back with him and met his family. They lived on the corner near the top of a hill. My eyes snapped pictures of the vintage buildings and narrow roads as we passed. The house looked like a barn, with wood siding, an attic window, and an enclosed porch. I liked the wrought iron vents, the aged hardwood floors, and the wood burning stove that gave the living room a warm glow. He thought it was funny that the neighborhood reminded me of Heritage Park. It was Valentine's day when we visited. Not to be forgotten, his father left a rose in the attic room where we slept. How romantic to have vaulted ceilings and a small window too oversee the snow covered roofs of the neighboring houses on the hill. Though he claimed it was

just a boring town, he entertained me with stories of his youth, while I marveled at the nearness to the ocean and the short and scenic drive to other towns. Back home, it was nearly the same amount of time to get to each others houses and longer during rush hour. But here, here, there was enough time to get ready for the day and remember things, and enjoy each other's company. If only the best of both worlds could be combined. I left a piece of my heart there in hopes to find it again one day in the future.

He was able to get a job almost immediately, especially in the trades. That's what it's like here. At one time, a friend had taken pictures of numerous help wanted signs to send to his friends back east. It was impressive at his age to be making such a big paycheck and he took pride in that fact. You wouldn't find him hunting for bargains, but I did admire his budgeting skills too. Budgeting is a grown up thing, a responsible thing. My education was my priority. Tha

t I owe to my Father's wallet and a desire to live comfortably, yet humbly, like him. When I finally finished my schooling, we were eager to move in together and be adults, for real. We chose an apartment surrounded my forest, with a clean kitchen and stainless steel appliances. It had a bathtub and a shower and an electric fireplace. Many times in the past he talked about how the same amount of money could buy a full sized cabin by the beach back home. If only in my head, I told him he could have that one day. Sometimes he would be lonely for his family. That's a specific kind of loneliness that no one else's company can ease. How frustrating for me, as my empathy was not accurate. My family lived only a few blocks away. Yet, when I applied for further education at a University close to his hometown, he seemed to recoil at the idea.

There was a time when he joked about the big trucks here and the small men that drove them. He was proud of his practical car, knowing that the person who drove it did not have to flaunt to compensate for anything. He liked that I didn't take three hours to prepare myself before we left the house and that I chose to invest in experiences instead of brand names. It appealed to him to visit with friends without the need for any additional entertainment. When we first began to date, he had brought me flowers and my parent's were impressed by his honest charm. Of course this was balanced by a healthy streak of adventure. He was very interested in motorcycles.

After we moved in together, I knew through vicarious experience that the curtains would be drawn back. Like a child at the concert of their favourite band, I was captivated by the mystery of back stage. Everything new, good or bad, was an adventure. My world was tinted by rose

coloured glasses. Our dates nights started to become fewer and that was okay because I practiced cooking and buying groceries.

At some point he started mentioning the trucks again, but this time he was fantasizing about driving them. I noticed his eyes were suddenly harsher. Shouldn't a young man be out spending his money and buying himself big TVs? If not for the love of his family, he seemed to forget

about the nights we spent in the attic room and the cabins by the beach.

To be continued...

Help, My gun is jammed.

We (my bf and i) had been invited to attend a wedding in February (his brother's wedding). This was last March. The deadline to pay for the tickets (as it is a destination wedding) was the end of November. All was "well" (I mean there were issues here and there but nothing spectacular) until the evening deadline date which we had put off giving away our money until. That night my boyfriend was short with me often. Then he suggested I not come to the wedding. He was completely serious - no jokes, and I was completely heart broken. He acted like there was something majorly wrong with our relationship and this was the end. The morning after he reaffirmed this position and I thought it was the end and went home (not mine, where I live with him, but to my parent's house) crying. He wanted to talk about it later since his reasoning was ambiguous and so was this apparent "break up".

That afternoon we did talk about it. Nothing was understood and as far as I was concerned the only thing that was resolved was that we weren't actually breaking up, and that we were definitely "together" until our lease ran out. He wanted to have the conversation again after he returned from the wedding... his reason for uninviting me was simply, "I don't know about us". But apparently he knew enough that he wanted to continue the relationship at least for the next few months. WTF. With such grand uncertainty how can one justify continuing the relationship at all? I couldn't tell you my own thoughts at the time. It was some jumble between "What have I to lose but my home, my boyfriend, my vacation, my hopes and dreams? and what's wrong with you?" and maybe the obligation to say we should work on it (work on what? I wondered).

And so we did work on it. And by that I mean everything remained the same except the overcast with occasional showers passing constantly through my mind. The situation was muddled with confounding variables. He was experiencing what he perceived as unmanageable stress from school and financial uncertainty (ei was late). He felt depressed from not having time to go to the gym and from being influenced by school (friends, time, etc.) to eat out a lot. I think he met some friends that he wanted to impress and who may have put bachelorhood on some pedestal (yet they all have girlfriends). Maybe he was turned off of marriage and weddings by jokes from his family about his own life path compared to his brothers (it's not like I had pressured him at all and I told him so). In any case, when he finished school and went back to work and got his routine back I felt the forecast had changed a bit. Occasional breaks of sunshine. I confronted him again about the situation one day (prematurely since it was only December 31st) and he made a sarcastic remark saying, "why don't you come then?". He also said his status was still, "I don't know" and still couldn't explain exactly what he didn't know about. You would have thought I was asking him to sign a contract saying he was indebted to me forever. He said he felt better than when he was in school but still "didn't know".

And so that brings me to now. The forecast is still overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine. And then I saw that picture above on Tumblr and thought how funny it was to this situation because I'm sure he would object to me parading around in a foreign country wearing only lingerie. He would probably feel quite rejected, hurt, and angry if I made a point of telling him he wasn't welcome at this event that would most likely never happen again (hopefully for the sake of his brother? or maybe not depending on how you view his fiance). And then I would say "I don't know" if he asked if should have any hopes of seeing me in lingerie one day (or something of that sort).

He wants to live day by day, which is fine and dandy if it means you are fully living in the present and taking every second to heart. But in this world of plans and futures, living day by day ensures you are never prepared and are only reacting to situations as they occur. I prefer to respond and have dreams and work toward them. I see him say this but he constantly confuses me when he says, "where should we live when our lease runs out?" and "perhaps I should try and get a job at your dad's company." I wonder how one can be so sure on important decisions and so unsure about a 7 day vacation.

Don't feel like showering. Describes my feelings about 2011.

So this is my year in review.

I haven't updated in a while. Probably because it seems like my blog was spiraling into an abyss of emotions and don't like coming off as an emotional wreck. I like to think of myself as composed, strong, and a fighter. But I guess 2011 came to teach me that I am all that and the exact opposite as well.

I give 2011 two People of Walmart out of five. I don't even know what that rating really means but percentage wise it equals 40%. For anything bad that happened this year something equally good happened and vice-versa. So here is a break down of my year:

The Not-quite American Dream
2011 started off with a job hunt. I finished my last semester of kinesiology in December and was hopeful and anxious as I jumped into job searching. Three months later several interviews had come and gone and no job. Needless to say my confidence was shaken, I felt like shit. I started working full time at my previously part time job and almost became homicidal because being a cashier at a grocery store is no place for a recently graduated exercise professional... right? Anyways, I ended up turning down a very good interview to work as a research assistant at Alberta Health Services after accepting an offer (finally) to work casually for a physiotherapy clinic near where I live. Little did I know this would later become one of my greatest regrets of 2011. They asked me to cover for a week while the regular Kinesiologist was on holidays. I worked a total of 21.5 hours that week doing awesome physio stuff at this nice little clinic. So the receptionist was a huge bitch but other than that it went well, although I did think it was a bit fishy that I didn't have to sign any employment forms... I asked about it and they gave me a government tax form to fill out and that's all... When the week ended and I had completed three days of work with minimal training and very few mishaps, I asked them about the part time hours they had said were coming up in the summer and they told me this would be happening in May (this particular day was in mid-April). They didn't mention when I would get paid so I phoned later and the receptionist told me to come in at the end of the month to pick up my paycheck. I already felt a bit weary of my new employers so I made sure I showed up April 28 at exactly the specified time. He cut me a check directly from his checkbook (no tax removed or anything? whaaa?) which made me think they must have just thrown out that tax form. Again, I asked about the status of the part time position (still desperate to get experience) and they said they would give me a call. May came and went and no call. I sent an email which did not receive a reply. In July I got a missed call from the clinic on my phone but no message. I called back but no answer. I finally received an email from the receptionist asking if I could work a few days in July which happen to be during the time I was on vacation. I replied and told her about my vacation and that I would only be gone for a week but could help out when I got back. I even called and left a message. They never responded. In the end I felt cheated and used and stupid. How could I have given up other opportunities in favor of this stinker? At least my grocery store job was starting to look up.
First I got a raise. Then in June I got transferred to a different position in the store with much more freedom and skill required and another raise. Then the woman I worked with took sick leave for three months and the receptionist also left and I took over both positions which kept me busy and allowed me more time to get to know the store and my co-workers and make a name for myself (It also looks better on my resume). Even though it wasn't exactly a dream position, after so much shit prior it felt like a step up. I would have to get experience in other ways.
In September I started volunteering at ARBI (Association of the Rehabilitation of the Brain Injured). I met a friend there and coincidentally she had also worked at the same clinic that screwed me over earlier. She also had an awful experience so we had this in common and I felt a bit better that I wasn't the only one. Volunteering was one of the best decisions I made the whole year. I think it helped heal the pain I felt in this area of my life. I met awesome people and am building my own skills in the area of physio and occupational therapy.

One Giant Step for Moron Mountain

In March this year I "left the nest". I moved (only a few blocks away) from my parent's house and began living with my boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment. This was a great success in terms of independence. I learned to better appreciate all my parents have done for me. I took up house hold chores with enthusiasm (at first) and was elated to control my own groceries. I felt like a peasant in a castle and lived like a Queen in search of a simple life. I made great efforts to soothe the wounds I received in my professional life by attending to my spiritual life and my fitness. I bought my own gym membership, utilized the apartment gym as well, and spent many of my days off running to the gym and to the grocery store. I managed to run a 12km route this summer (not including the stop in the middle to work out at the gym or to get groceries at Safeway) several times. I enjoyed nature, listened to music, and meditated. I organized the area around my bath tub to mimic my parent's house - almost like a mini spa! In the area of health and wellness I exceeded this year. I even started cooking more and experimenting with recipes. Christmas was a great success in this area as I made a salad for Christmas dinner at my parent's house and an appetizer of smoked tofu pigs in blankets which were a hit. Maybe I can cook after all! But as I mentioned earlier - for everything good something bad went along with it.

Things started to change with my boyfriend. At the beginning of the year I was having issues with my birth control pill which was making intimacy very difficult. I was frustrated because I couldn't control my own body and what it decided to do (or not do). This was adding to my already depressed mood because of work at the time. I researched non-hormonal birth control and found IUD which help remedy the situation a bit. However, I think the damage was done. Living with me allowed my boyfriend a glimpse behind the curtain even in matters that were previously very private.... maybe he wasn't ready? Our intimate life was never quite restored and despite my own efforts to fix it something had changed for him. Things progressively got worse. We had more spats. On the surface things seemed okay. To me, these changes were simply inevitable things that occur as you grow together (especially when you live together), but to him it was much worse. It came to a climax in late November when he "uninvited" me to his brothers destination wedding. This had been planned for over a year and I was getting excited. Meanwhile he was doing school and becoming more and more stressed out. When he suggested I don't come to Cuba and then proceeded to have a "serious" discussion with me I was choked. He basically threatened to break up with me because he wanted his own space and felt he had changed ("It's not you, it's me). After a lot of talking we didn't break up - I think (although it was never put forth as a real reason) partially because of our lease.... and up until this very moment I still don't know what is going on. The worst part is that he doesn't seem to think his actions were wrong in any way. He's acting like the whole thing never happened - which is even more confusing to me.

And so 2011 had thrown one of its worst curve balls yet. Here I am writing a year in review blog and its ending on a bad note. Or is it? On January first I fly with my family for a week in Mexico. They offered for me and my sister to come after hearing about me no longer going to Cuba. At least it seems 2012 will have a decent beginning.

Mud

I feel like I'm desperately clawing at the edge of a muddy hole trying not to fall in but slowly sliding backwards. This is a familiar feeling that I wish I knew how to get out of. If its true that your environment reflects something about your life I'd say that this rainy day certainly makes sense. A cloud is looming above me figuratively and literally. Maybe the traffic jams are some kind of reflection of my feeling of being stuck - or being in a rush but being blocked from getting there - sent on crazy detours around construction zones and hoping that one day its all worth it. Will I even be here for that? A question referring more to the end of construction and a better transit system, but perhaps implying my fear that I may not reach my goals. I have set my mind to it and am willing to go to any lengths, but as winter sets in, it feels like time is not on my side and I may be forced to reevaluate my plans. Although my logical mind realizes that in the big picture these time lines are completely illusionary and I have pretty much my whole life to accomplish what I wish, there is this one voice that keeps reminding me that people move on. Life goes by. It says mean things like how my family won't admire me if I take too long and my boyfriend's life will continue on leaving me in the past. I know it isn't true but it brings tears to my eyes even so. A fight ensues between my emotions and logic. I try to find ways to make my self feel better but I think they end up making me feel worse. Maybe it goes away on its own. I don't remember what I did last time that helped my crawl back on to solid ground.

Anxiety

I'm suffering from major anxiety right now. I feel like I'm reliving one of the worst moments I can remember in relationship history. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm fretting because my mind keep saying, "what if... what if..". My boyfriend went out to a "boys night" tonight. The reason that's in quotes is because they went to a club. All the men invited have girlfriends so to me it seems odd they chose a night club for a boys night.... to me this is simply a strip club to them where the girls aren't fully naked but still attractive but with the added benefit of being achievable and in some cases looking to hook up. My boyfriend once told me he was no longer interested in clubs because they aren't the same when you're not single. It's not like guys go there the same way girls do (to dress up and dance), they are usually going because they're on the hunt. He said he wouldn't be interested in chasing or even pretending to get numbers because that would be "playing with fire". Then today he all excited to go out tonight with the guys, getting all ready and beautified and saying stuff like, "I look good. Untouchable!" and wondering what shirt to wear. I said "who you trying to impress?" thinking, "obviously not me...." with some feeling of sadness... I remember a time in a previous relationship when I was not invited to a club with my ex because it was a boys night...only later to find out that that was just code for "no girl friends" night but all other ladies may apply. Needless to say that was another nail in the coffin... Tonight I sit here wondering if I'm in the right to be so freaked out by this or if my amygdala is simply over reacting to a perceived threat based on experience. Either way I feel my boyfriend is definitely being a hypocrite about it... Why does the girl friend always seem like the crazy person in these situations? This is extremely irritating and I don't know how to deal with me stomach getting all woozy and my brain over thinking and making up worst case scenarios. It's hard for me to believe a bunch of guys went to the club and didn't dance with random girls. I know if I acted that way he wouldn't be too pleased. I don't know if he's actually dancing with other girls but I really don't like the thought of it.