Sometimes You Just Need One Question to Shake Your Head Straight

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a counselor at the University. I did it because I felt like I was getting overwhelmed with all my emotions rising up from the problems in my relationship. I can really attest to the value of having a complete stranger hear your story and then ask you some really good, structured questions to bring you to some realization - or maybe just to pry open the door of your brain so the good advice of others starts seeping in. I told her I felt like my brain was so over activated that it was feeling difficult to respond to the situation without thinking in extremes. Everyday it was all I thought about - it consumed my mind, made me cry almost everyday, and I felt angry and hurt every time I went home. On top of that, I was starting to get depressed to the point where my eating and sleeping habits were getting messed up, and I hadn't worked out (something I usually find enjoyment in) because I was taking naps instead. Overall, the whole situation was becoming bad for my mental, emotional, and physical health. She asked me some key questions and made some reflections and insights that really helped though. One of the most important ones was regarding me as an "active participant" in the situation, or rather the fact that I had not been. Instead I seemed to be taking on a very passive role. With one palm higher than the other she motioned saying " It seems to be that he is up here in terms of power and control and you're down here." I agreed, and said it felt like I did not have any control in the situation and that it was a constant struggle to try and reach the same level as him. I had been waiting for him to figure out his feelings and make a clear statement on what he wanted in the relationship because I already knew what I wanted, but instead he held three months of "I don't know" over my head which continue until this day (and probably until tomorrow or the next day when I finally tell him my side and call out his behavior).

She asked me if I stood up for myself in all this and when him and I have conversations. I told her I did not apologize for my feelings and I did state that I was hurt but after some reflection and thought on what it means to stand up for yourself, I guess I never really have. She also reflected to me that when I tried to answer her questions regarding my plans (potential plans) on how to get more power in the situation, or what I wanted to do in the future, I repeatedly said, "I don't want to hurt him." And she stated, "it's clear to me that he has hurt you and continues to do so and it's taking a huge toll on your life. I'm curious about why you are afraid to hurt him?" I drew a blank and that only the answer I could muster was something about the length of time in the relationship - I suppose that was suppose to mean that it is hard to want to hurt someone you care about... In the end I suppose she was telling me something all my friends and family had also been telling me, but instead of saying "wow he's a jerk, you need to give him a good smack down", she held a mirror up to me saying look what that person in there is doing (or rather - not doing).

I'm really glad I went because I realized I definitely need help with my problem of passivity. I also came out feeling a bit of relief in that I have thought up a middle of the road way to deal with the situation and take back control by stating through word and action, "look buddy, you can't treat me like this. You have made selfish decisions and I'm tired of being nice to you when you obviously don't care about my feelings. I'm taking a break from this until you can sort your shit out - then you can call me and tell me what you've decided, otherwise I'm moving on." So instead of seeing things in black and white, I have found the idea of "taking a break" (as you would call it) to be very appealing right now. For the first time in almost 3 months I feel like I have had a couple moments of clear breathing and genuine smiles.