The Edge

It's 10:46am and I've only been awake for an hour and a half but it feels like it's been three hours or more. I read a few chapters of a book for school about a lonely young english girl and her affair with an english man that seems like prostitution but in her mind is a little more meaningful. I'm trying to get up my courage to say "we need to talk about something important later", and I have been rehearsing in my head the points I want to make, but it seems like there is never a good opportunity. I have been told there never will be so I ought to just say what I have to say. My problem is that whenever I feel good for more than a day I feel I can let everything go and keep on living and it is hard to "ruin" the present with feelings from the past and worries of the future. I feel inclined to wait another day because I know sooner than later he will do just the things I intend to speak with him about. Wouldn't it be easier to say "don't you think you can treat me like this! I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come up with this...." right in the moment instead of in a moment when the last example of bad behavior was two days ago instead of today... It's almost like he senses I want to call him out so he acts nicely for a few days so I have only examples from the past and look foolish for holding grudges. This is an example of an argument that plays in my head because the counter argument would be, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" and it's not like the past was that long ago and also, how will the cycle be broken if I don't make any changes? "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I guess I never applied that piece of wisdom to relationships before. I always thought it applied mostly to the trial and error of inventing and math problems.

Another thing that's bothering me is that I received a message from his sister just before her phone died, so I replied in a facebook message telling her that I received her text but her facebook status indicates her phone is broken so I thought she probably wouldn't have received the reply I sent on the phone. She still hasn't responded - maybe it was an accidental message.