Dear A.

Dear A,

I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.