BI-Polar Life

Time for an update! Too soon you thought? Me too. BUT apparently, the last phone call was not really the last one. My sunday was totally random and ended in the weirdest way ever. It started out like usually - belly dance class. Then we went to play basketball with a coworker but didn't end up playing basketball because no one wanted to play with us on the court (slightly disapointing), so instead we drove around the NE looking for a papusa place that ended up being closed when we got there. So we ate at China Rose buffet. Then we went to some billiards place and played pool and did tequila shots (only 2 though) and also drank a shirley temple. My sister and I returned home to meet with her boyfriend who was straving because he waited all day for her and she was starving too because she decided not to eat all day (even at the buffet - wtf, they had icecream!!). Just at that moment when we were discussing what to eat I received a text message. "Sorry for what i said, i'm having a dinner party tonight if you want to come", words any hungry stomache might like to read at a time like this. It was a house warming party so we picked up a tiramisu and made are way over to the new apartment. He had cooked a dinner with the cook book I left there once and had two other guests as well as my sister, her boyfriend, and me to feed. He toured us his new apartment (quite a step up from the old one) and did a show and tell with his motorcycle gear, ending the night by showing us his new motor bike on the way out. Nothing was weird. It was as though the conversation the day before had never happened. Then we left satisfied - me confused - again, and went home to sleep.

The Last Phone Call

Well... it's over. It's really over. Dead. In the words of JT/TI "the old me's dead and gone... dead and gone...." Tonight he asked me the hardest questions. I hate hard questions (who doesn't?). "Do you still have feelings for me?" WTF of course. I wouldn't have gone out with him for almost two years if "feelings" weren't there, however, I have MIXED feelings Some are good and some are bad, and to this point they were almost equal in number, leaving me sitting on the fence. "Am I wasting my time trying to get back with you?" Yes. It is unfair to him to have to wait for my mind to be made up - especially since that seems to be taking forever. Fence sitters have a hard time making up their minds... there are too may sides of the story to consider, and too many what if scenerios to ponder. That was all he needed to hear. He says it's too hard for him to be friends with me still. He has to forget me completely. He deleted me from every form of communication as of this evening... I guess that means it's final then. No more. I was devastated... to me, losing a romantic relationship is not as hard as losing a friend.... I felt he was the one ripping my heart out (I guess I deserved that...). I understand and yet I don't. I have to accept that decision - even though it is only him accepting mine. The truth hurts so much. He said "since you're so busy you'll have no problem forgetting about it"... The sad part is that it's probably true. The sad part is also that it isn't true. I can't forget nor have I ever tried... but business is my excuse for not speaking to alot of people... I guess it just means that much more when you used to rearrange your schedule to fit his and be busy when he was and free when he wasn't. Why did I do that? Why can't I let go of things? Why do I need believe I am good person and a loving friend when evidence points to the contrary? Why can't I just accept that I'm a heartbreaker... a killer of love....? I am not! He just doesn't understand. Why am I the one crying because he doesn't want to ever see me again when he was the one who got broken up with? Why is the bad guy so sad?

A Poetic Bath

I lay back in relaxing bath scented will lavendar epsom salts. The air was also scented with lavendar aromatherapy, and a calming candle stood still at the foot of the tub. I put on some arabic music and closed my eyes, letting my senses take it all in. The hot water washing my skin, the aroma surrounding me with a peaceful feeing, and the rythm and voices of a distant place singing in words I couldn't understand. It was the first moment in a very long time where I felt completely at peace. The only thoughts in my head were of that moment. Then I began to feel my heart beating through-out my body... and that is as far as I got into my moment before I "awoke" and returned to the present. The present - that place stuck between the past and the future... a place with too many thoughts. A place slightly longer than a moment - where you need to be to get there, and that you need to escape at the same time. To bring a moment into the present is to make it part of the past but this is needed in order for it to influence your future. My baths are where I find most of my moments. They are relaxing and healing. My escape from the hassles of daily life, and too rare these days.

Whoo hoo!

I was reading this article today about falling in love and thought it was cute, but also interesting. Maybe it's because I'm trying to figure things out in my life. Using the analogy in the article, I feel like I'm being pulled off the ground but I've tied myself down worrying about the dangers of "flying". Or maybe I already was flying but just crashed and in response had to tie myself dwon for fear of crashing again. If you don't fly, you can't fall... which leaves me to wonder, can I only go so far before the same thing happens again or should I cut the rope? Maybe my problem, is that I look to other people as examples... at one time I was sure that something terrible was going to happen so to cope I ran away... it happened to a friend, why would it be different for me? Now I realize - duh, because I am not my friend - I am me. I partially realized this when the story (with minor detail changes - possibly worse!) repreated itself to another friend at work. She cried for days, she was devastated... he begged for forgiveness, and for something I would have deemed unforgivable in the context, she took him back - not fully - but with that goal in mind. So far it seems they've been happily working on things for a while now - it's almost as though they couldn't help but to be together. Maybe I'm too influenced by the examples and stories that go on around me... however I do feel that there must be a message in them... he didn't do that terrible thing (or even anything close to what happened to friend #2 or #1), so perhaps friend #1's destiny was not the road I should have followed... Why am I following roads? There are no roads when you're flying.

CONFUSION

Tannis is confused. So today was a weird day. Here's the background story: My ex-boyfriend and I share the same birthday (not really, his is the day before...) so since we are still friends we decided to go out an celebrate today. The original plan was to go to the science center, but I get off at school at 3 and it closes at 4 so those plans fell through. Instead we went bowling, then to the Taj Mahal restaraunt, and then watched a movie called "Miracle at St. Anne's"(or something along those lines). First confusion moment happened as soon as I got in the car (he picked me up at school). He gave me a box of chocolates and a nice card with kittens on it that had a poem he wrote on the inside (more background: he's not the type to write a poem or even seem to have romantic thoughts at all... pretty much a man's man to the max). Then at the end of the night as he was driving me home, he told me he had a letter for me and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. I read it and it was pretty good actually - I was impressed - it was basically an apology/love letter.... another out of character thing for him to do. I realize he's been pretty heart broken - but's it's been almost four months now... another weird thing is that all of a sudden he starts playing soccer (he joined a team, I had suggested it for so long), then he goes to the mosque (a long time ago, I also suggested he do that to have some reflection/spiritual time). I feel like he's actually trying to change... something I didn't think was fair to request, however he told me himself on one occassion, "you told me it was unfair of you to ask me to change, but you weren't asking me to change my personality, you were asking me to change for the better." Anyways, if you've read my previous entries you'd knwo why I am now in a state of confusion... on one hand I have a hard time believing this is true... what if things go back the way they were before?? On the other... it seems like he's doing "that thing", that unrealistic, that could never happen thing, the only thing that would make me go back. what if?? Everynow and then I catch my mind referring to him as my baby... but I always thought that these type of feelings were natural... that everyone goes through a period of missing at some point... on the other hand I never felt that way in any other relationship. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?

CLOCKS & Refs

I had a dream last night that was really weird and saturated with strong emotions. The first part I just remembered as I was eating my lunch at school, realizing I forgot my cell phone and therefore am without my "watch". Why aren't there any clocks anywhere!? It should be mandatory that a visible clock is placed in every room or major section of a very large room/corridor. Why do I feel the need to always know the time? Anyways, here's a snippet of my dream last night:I was called into work at my old job. It was after supper (in the dream) and I had to open the gym (which doesn't make sense because it is open at 5am until 11pm, apparently they were short staffed). Anyways, one thing I noticed was that all the clocks in the place were wrong! I had no idea what time it was and could only make an educated guess... it must be around 9 or 10 because I already had supper and did a few other things and that was around 7. Every clock was displaying a random time, and to make matters worse people were coming in to exercise but acting as though it was much earlier. I became very frustrated and started forcefully asking all my coworkers what time it was. Does anyone know the time? Why are all the clocks wrong? Can someone fix these clocks please!!? Among other annoyances in the dream (such as interaction with random made-up coworker who I apaprently had mutual feelings if dislike, and other former coworkers who were disapointed I had returned), the clock thing was pretty frustrating.I woke up frustrated by the dream that occurred after that. I was playing soccer and a girl wrapped her legs around my ankles (while she was on the ground from falling) so I couldn't move. The ref called it against me, and I was so angry I started arguing with him. How could this be my fault when she's the one wrapped around my legs?? He explained something about how that team wasn't as well off (as wheel barrows as a travelling method did suggest). The rest of my team started confronting me and getting angry that I "gave that girl a look" and that's why the ref called me. I was so angry! It wasn't fair! Since when does "a look" count as a penalty especially when that person is commiting a huge obvious foul themselves. Anyways, the girl continues to try and get away with things and the ref seemed illusioned as she talked babyish to him. My dream person then had a weird thought that made me uncomfortable. I thought "if I had the face of an angel (referring to the girl), maybe the ref would see my side." The game continued but I woke up feeling frustrated and angry. I wonder what these dreams mean...