The Last Phone Call

Well... it's over. It's really over. Dead. In the words of JT/TI "the old me's dead and gone... dead and gone...." Tonight he asked me the hardest questions. I hate hard questions (who doesn't?). "Do you still have feelings for me?" WTF of course. I wouldn't have gone out with him for almost two years if "feelings" weren't there, however, I have MIXED feelings Some are good and some are bad, and to this point they were almost equal in number, leaving me sitting on the fence. "Am I wasting my time trying to get back with you?" Yes. It is unfair to him to have to wait for my mind to be made up - especially since that seems to be taking forever. Fence sitters have a hard time making up their minds... there are too may sides of the story to consider, and too many what if scenerios to ponder. That was all he needed to hear. He says it's too hard for him to be friends with me still. He has to forget me completely. He deleted me from every form of communication as of this evening... I guess that means it's final then. No more. I was devastated... to me, losing a romantic relationship is not as hard as losing a friend.... I felt he was the one ripping my heart out (I guess I deserved that...). I understand and yet I don't. I have to accept that decision - even though it is only him accepting mine. The truth hurts so much. He said "since you're so busy you'll have no problem forgetting about it"... The sad part is that it's probably true. The sad part is also that it isn't true. I can't forget nor have I ever tried... but business is my excuse for not speaking to alot of people... I guess it just means that much more when you used to rearrange your schedule to fit his and be busy when he was and free when he wasn't. Why did I do that? Why can't I let go of things? Why do I need believe I am good person and a loving friend when evidence points to the contrary? Why can't I just accept that I'm a heartbreaker... a killer of love....? I am not! He just doesn't understand. Why am I the one crying because he doesn't want to ever see me again when he was the one who got broken up with? Why is the bad guy so sad?