Heartless?

Told all your friends your ugly tale 'bout a girl who cried and screamed and yelled, and told you not to speak to her and made you love her and then just left you there... how cold. I wish they knew, I wish they knew, the real you. I wish they knew 'bout all the stuff you didn't do, all the stuff I did for you, all the missing thank-yous (where'd your manners go?). I wish they didn't still believe, you only hurt the ones you love, well then I guess you really did love me.

Now you say I'm so evil, so bad news, stay away from her, that girl's a heart breaker. She's got my blood on her hands, look at her just walking around but she don't understand, how I changed, I'm a new man. Take me back... but in the same breathe you just said all that crap...

We're on the phone at 2 am, you're tryna get me back, buy me things and reminisce bout back then. What are you doing for NYE? you ask, But when I tell you my plans you just get mad, why you gonna go out and do that? Fine, I'm going to go out with all the pretty girls I met - okay, sounds fun - AND I'm gonna kiss at midnight with that girl you didn't like...

I'm never coming back if you don't want me to have fun, you're trying to bring my anger back, maybe that's why you're home alone, waiting by the telephone, ever thought of that? I'm second guessing that chance I gave you , cause you're just trying to make me as miserable as you. Is that what a friend is suppose to do? That's what a boyfriend is suppose to do when he leaves his girl at home to sit around alone like some little house wife. Well you found out that I aint that nice.

Do whatever I said before 'cause you want me back, well that was then, this is now and it don't work like that. Now all your friends say I'm controlling, maybe if they knew about your lying they'd undestand the whole thing. I hate it how you turn it around and play the victim, like I'm the mean one for leaving you, for "giving up" on you. You know there's a reason for that too. You think I didn't try to work it through? I couldn't even get through to you when I'm crying, I'm burning, it's dying, and you keep throwing fuel on the fire. You just don't get it. I'm too tired to fight anymore, I just let it burn, burn to the floor. And now you're getting mad at me (again), can't even be a friend to me (the fundamental part). I guess that's something we'll never be because you just want more and more and more. All you want is more.


This was inspired by Kanye West's "Heartless" which I believe represents the perspective of my ex(s). This is the female rebuttle... or part of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWzlD7Lc6w8

Will Power

I am so confused!! He wants to dance.... I want to dance too.... but I don't want him to want me back because I'm just not ready to trust him. Maybe I never will (most likely). We agreed to be friends and we are, but I also want him to beable to move on, and myself as well.

Life Goes On

Tuesday this week was the only day that I felt the world had slowed down for me. Finally, all I wanted was some time to grieve my losses without life pulling me forward into everyday routine and hassle. I'll admit, I had tonnes of fun these last few weeks but somehow I still felt like I was being rushed... there was no time between exams and parties (all of a sudden a never ending stream of party invites I could actually attend and I haven't been out for months!). Yesterday I slept in, and aside from a physiology lab and a midterm exam lingering in the back of my mind, i managed to have an emotionally productive day. Aside from a bit of studying, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched a horror movie called "the strangers" (super scary, recommend watching in the dark). Then I watched Monday night's recording of Heroes. Then I had supper and went to my soccer game. I guess my mind was occupied with lighter things all day.

I also had a great philosophical discussion (mostly with my own mind and some with my mom) about life paths. It stemmed from a memory I had about a tarot card reading my friend and I did about 2 summers ago (the beginning of our stampede tradition). The lady told my friend that she would find a great job and be successful in it and that she should look into the oil industry. Then she told me that my friend would be there to support me while she was becoming successful because I would be going through a heartbreak. On one hand I feel like I screwed up my own fate, possibly unconsciously due to self fulfilling prophecy. Why did that lady put that in my mind? Was she really psychic? Is it just a coincidence? Or did she doom me unintentionally?

A more comforting answer I came up with is this: If in fact, the future is predetermined (provided it can be predicted by a psychic), then if what is predicted turns out to be true that must mean that you made all the right decisions on your quest into the future because you ended up in the exact place you were suppose to be. Que sera sera?

I once read a Bijan book called "effortless prosperity" and one of the stories in the book came to mind. He spoke of an ongoing off and on relationship he had. Each time they encountered the same problems and broke up, only to come back together remembering the good experiences they had. Eventually the stress became too much and he had to move on. He compared his relationship to a river intersecting his life path. In order to continue his path he needed to take the boat across the river. However, once he got to the other side he would decide to get back on the boat (return to his girlfriend). He realized he was only going back and forth on the river and that he was meant to move on in order to move forward. Once he got off the boat the final time, he was able to move down his path again. I like that comparison because it doesn't trivialize the events you shared with an ex. It was never a waste of time. You had to get on that boat and cross that river in order to continue, but you must choose to accept what is and move forward.

*In this paragraph I will describe how this situation can be related to physics* So if Bijan was on the boat, and he needed to cross the river to continue his path and the river was X meters long, then his displacement would be X meters at the other side. Therefore in his life, his relationship would have accounted for X amount of displacement on his life path. Because he kept staying on the boat his distance increased. He added nxX (n is the number of times he crossed the river) meters onto his life journey but because his ultimate displacement was still X, essentially he did not move forward in his life despite his added distance. *end*

So I think I could write a whole philosophy book on this. Maybe I will. I'll leave more for another day. My brain is starting to get ahead of me.

I Like Metaphores and Similes

Today I will discuss and idea that has been plaguing my brain this week and has probably developed as some kind of survival mechanism for depressing times, much like the purpose of humour (or so I believe). Today I will discuss how relationships are alot like jobs.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.

And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.

Hurricane

The eye of the storm past quicker than I could ever imagined. I guess I was just lingering on the edge of denial. I knew it was bad. I didn't want it to be true. It wasn't just their friendship that made me nervous alone. It wasn't the 4am phone calls (and every other hour of the wee morning), or the intimate conversations they had, or his willingness to do anything she asked (but yet not for me?)... okay, that's what started it. It built and built. What if I'm just over reacting? Obviously she's just a friend... maybe I have trust issues. Friend or not, I was disiullusioned by the constant "hiding". He was afraid to tell me he was talking to her so he changed her name on his phone to Mike and refused to answer when I was around. Why? I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I politely confronted on several occasions and told him i felt uncomfortable about their late night early morning phone calls. I told I would appreciate it if when I asked him about her or what they did he would tell me openly and honestly - well... read my earlier blogs and you'll discover that my request was blatantly ignored. The climax: "who's mike?"... "a friend."... "why don't you answer it?" (he always ALWAYS answers his phone)... "i don't want to talk to him." ..." How come?"... "you ask too many questions." "where's mike from?" "I don't know" "oh...". Later on I called that number (as snoopy as this seems I had a strong strong feeling of suspicion): "Hi, is Mike there?" "no, you must have the wrong number." "Oh sorry." an hour later... "Hi is [SHE] there?" "SHE's out right now, can I take a message?" "No, that's okay, thanks."
There's nothing wrong with a friendship, but there is something wrong with a relationship when you have to hide that friendship from it because you're scared the other person will find out about your friendship... that doesn't even make sense. If it's just a friendship, then why should you need to hide regardless of the feelings of your significant other? After all your attempts to be completely honest and attempts to make that person feel better about it and if they are still untrusting then they have a problem. But if you don't even try, and actualyl end up making it worse by LYING straight to their face then you have the problem and they are justified in their anger toward you? AM I RIGHT? I don't know. All I know is that in the end, the problem is one of foundations. There is a lack of respect, trust, and love. The most important qualities for a relationship to have. I suppose there only one option, and that's out.

You know, I tried to reform myself. I tried to look into the mirror and figure out what I was doing wrong. Why is this happening to me I asked. Why am I like this? A conversation with a friend gave a me a burst of clarity. "You are not a jealous person. In fact you're one of the least jealous people I know. If something is causing you to feel this anxiety, then there probably is something there. You need to listen to your instincts because usually they are right." She's right. On examination of past relationships, if anything I have been TOO trusting of people. There is no reason to believe that I have over reacted, there must be something striking me funny about the situation.

I feel heartbroken today. I feel sad. My stomache is tied in knots. I yelled at him yesterday because I was so hurt and angry. We haven't spoken since. His reaction to me outcry was "so... i think i'll go play video games". I can't believe this. I can't believe how little he cares. I once thought I was insensitive, and that no one could break me down. But now I know what true insensitivity is and it's much worse than anything I believe I could bestow on someone.

Milestones

Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.

Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.

Backstreet's Back!!! ALRIGHT!

On Tuesday night I fulfilled a childhood dream. A friend and I did everything possible to make the experience as great as it could be and we succeeded. We reached ("touch the sweat! Reach farther! You want to feel the essence!"), we screamed (oh boy did we scream! "Omg!! AHHHH, I love you nick carter, marry me!!"), and we sang every word of every song as loud as possible. We weren't alone in this fanatisism. 8000 other girls filled the saddledome screaming and crying for the backstreet boys. They first arrived on the music radar when I was in grade 2. In grade the upper grades of elementary school they busted out their two most popular albums Backstreet's Back and Millenium, both which I proudly own and have carried them over into the new age of ipodness. In Junior High Black & Blue came out and more recently in 2007 (i think), Unbreakable came out. As far as I'm concerned the backstreet boys are legends of my generation and tuesday was a night of celebrating good times and good memories of the 90s. I remember my mom and I singing You Are My Fire on our way to a soccer game. And one summer I listened to the Millenium CD over and over on our vacation to the Okanagan. To see them in concert was AMAZING to say the least. They were excellent performers, and despite that most of the group is married and in their thirties, they still managed to bring their boyish charm to the table and cause thousands of girls to scream and reach for them (even those of us on the 2nd level! lol). One thing I will note is that Nick Carter is smoking hot in real life. He was never my favourite backstreet boy by Tuesday may have converted me to a NIck Carter lover - good times, good times.

Dear A.

Dear A,

I don't know why I don't like you - I just do. When it comes down to it, it's really an irrational "hatred"... maybe. Maybe the reason I don't like you is because you have threatened my sense of security - maybe you have shaken what I believed was my great self esteem and flung me into a dark abyss of questions. Maybe I fear that I am not at strong as I previously thought. Maybe I fear that there is something more primitive inside me that if not controlled could bring about the demise of all I've worked for. I never considered myself a jealous person - maybe jealousy isn't the term - posessive? I am not jealous of you. THere is no way in hell I would ever trade places with you and you have nothing that I desire to pocess - in body, mind, or materials. The fact is that you have come into my life through one of the people most important to me. Perhaps your entrance into my boyfriend's life has simply caused me to fear his losing him - losing all that I put so much effort in to building - maybe I am not afraid of you, but realizing that my trust in him is so delicate. If I think about this further, I suppose I am not even afraid of what he could do in a moment of weakness, but afraid of being hurt. Afraid that I won't beable to handle the pain or worse, that it will mean something about me wasn't good enough. I am dwelling on the future instead of living in the present. I constantly tell myself that I am being silly and that I shouldn't worry about negative things that may never happen, and according to you two, likely won't. Likely? Another one of those "what if" words. I need to calm myself down. Did you know that he is afraid to tell me anything about you because he fears I will get angry? And I have. Did you know that every time your name is mentioned, or a thought reminding me of you crosses my mind, that I feel sick in my stomache, angry, and sad. I want to cry. But why? I first came to the conclusion that it was that fact that you were infringing on my "territory". In my eyes, you are a girl who pretends to be needy to get his attention - the part that scares me is that you have. He will wake up and run to your needs. You need help and he is there for you. My better half would like to see this as his good heart reaching out to his friends. My other half wonders why this need to please doesn't carry over to other friendships (does it? Not that I've seen). I want to pop you one right in your ugly face (sorry, needed to get that out) for calling him in the middle of the night. What kind of girl has so much disrespect for a man in a relationship's girlfriend like that? My sister told me a story of how she called a guy in the night and his girlfriend called her back and gave her hell for calling her boyfriend so late. If I had a more conflicting nature, and wasn't full of fear that our relationship would be ruined via resentment, I would do the same and call you, and give you a peace of my mind. People tell me I should tell him not to see you. I would except that I'm afraid he might choose a "friendship" over a possesive girlfriend. Knowing him, he does not like to be controlled and would think my foolish for trying to control who his friends are, in which i would reveal my own insecurities and make myself less attractive - accomplishing the opposite. I would also then be a hypocrite as I have many friends of the opposite gender and would not hesitate to call or in some cases hang out with them, why not? Why can't I convert this freedom I call my right, to apply to him as well? Why shouldn't he beable to have any friends he wants ? Well, the reason is simply because it's you. Anyone but you. And I still can't put my finger on why. I just don't like you. And that's that.

And then there was one...

Well, technically there was still 3 however two of them only worked on Sundays... Is making it a year a bad goal for jobs that pay crappy? Problem is I go back to school for the next two septembers and januarys and possibly parttime in the spring and summer of 2009. Getting a fulltime well paying job is difficult. I could lie and then quit every september but that doesn't look very good on a resume (if it's an "important" job), where as it doesn't look too bad to have a lower-end parttime job through out the entire year including during school. I want to buy a house one day (a house is big dreams... maybe an apartment or condo?), but i've been told that I need two lines of credit to be accepted for mortgage as well as evidence of a year's employment (for credit score I guess). So far I own a VISA card... and that's about it... I'm still working on the whole "down payment" thing (ie. lottery tickets? j/k). After I graduate I'll get a career and make enough money to actually pay my mortgage by myself. I'm also currently working on "making it" a year at the same job.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.

Workdom

So i am sitting at work right now trying to think of something to do that will keep my eyes from shutting. It's 7:11 am and while most people are just getting up or heading to work now, I have already been at work for two hours. I'm not tired from working early though. I'm tired from a whole week of working early and the thought that I won't get a day off for another thirteen days. It is moments like this one that make me wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It seems like the past few summers have been "learning experiences". I've learned what jobs not to get. But because the summer is nearly over and uni will start very soon, I feel there's no point in quitting and then not making ANY money for the rest of the summer. I might as well stick it out and build the bank account a bit. I can't wait to go back to school. It's like a new years for me. Time to make more resolutions and get organized! (even if it only lasts a week). Plus the more work I do this semester the faster I'll be done my degree and the sooner I can start real life! I'm excited for a "back to school" shopping spree - lululemon, and staples! yay!

Girls Don't Like Boys (Girls like cars and money?)

I was thinking about a few conversations I've had with female friends who are either in a serious relationship or have escaped from one. We were talking about the idea of trust and basically ranting about how certain experiences have caused stress in our relationships. It seems (in most cases) that guys and girls are not on the same page about what trust is. For men it seems, trust is "not cheating", ie. not sleeping with someone else - for them this is a verb, not an idea. The girls I've spoken to seem to emphasize truth and openess more than anything. When I guy goes out with one of his female friends, his girlfriend wants to hear " I am going to (or I went) [insert place here] with my friend (+ her/his name, possibly connection - from work, from school, etc.)" For some reason men feel the need to "disguise" their friend's gender, name, and where they're are going, even in the most trivial senerios. Instead of openly communicating what seems to the girlfriend to be pertanent information, guys will giggle, refer to their friend as "my friend", or just brush it off all together, especially in the afce of questioning. Why not just answer the questions? Male behavior comes across to many girls as being deceptive and this to girls is what destroys trust. It is upon or after being questioned or met with a girlfriend's untrusting glares and hostile attitude toward these vague answers that men get defensive and makes statements like "we're just friends! why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything!" Even if you didn't ask them what they did or not. It is here when it seems men do not understand what part of their answers have caused their girlfriends "jealous" rage (which can actually be explained as fear that her partner is lying due to his apparent "editing" or hiding of the truth). To girls it is plain and simple: If you have nothing to hide hide nothing. Why make a story for something that is "nothing". Why hide your friend's identity if you are indeed "just friends". What is the purpose of that? In my experience, guys have said that they felt the need to lie to avoid having their girlfriend get angry. Here's a bit of insite to all the men out there: WE ARE MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED BECAUSE IT INSIUATES THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN, THAN WE ARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID. For example, if Peter is going to visit his female friend Tracy who just bought a new house, Peter should tell his girldfriend "I am going to visit my firend Tracy because she just bought a new house." This is an upfront honest statement. The following statement will cause Peter's girlfriend to turn evil in a split second: "I am going out with.... a friend," naturally met with the reply,"who?", "no one, just a friend." "where are you going?" "Nowhere." "WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?" "no one... just a friend... she just need some help..." "WHO's SHE? IT's WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT DOES SHE NEED HELP WITH? WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ANOTHER FRIEND?" "Geeze, we are just friends... she just needs some help with some stuff...".

This type of situation may have different endings for different people. For those of us who are "bottlers" this situations sucks cause it eats from the inside out. A friend once told me that one of her greatest relationship lessons was the importance of being more open about her feelings. My friend's who I grew up with shared many of the same MOSTLY male friends with me, and it is my belief now that we were too much exposed to male behaviors and thoughts. For example, after spending time with many guys you might come to the conclusion that it is a man's dreaded fear to have to listen to a women's feelings. This may be true however it does not mean that women should not tell their feeling anyways. It was this thought pattern (combined with perosnality traits of course) that I believe supported the bottling method of dealing with anger and sadness. Instead of sitting down and pulling out the old "serious relationship discussion" or expressing hurt at the time it is "inflicted", we thought it might "scare him away" or cause himt o resent us. However, in the end it only enabled his behavior - leadsing him to believe we were not bothered or would not get upset. In the end, I can not except even his most honest statement, it is my problem and the relationship is not meant to be. If he can not give an honest statement it is now his problem and he may have to face those dreaded little words: "to the left, to the left." So gals, in the words of Aaron Carter " DOn't stress don't stress, don't stress, just tell him to the left left left...". Easier said than done.

I Got Skinned

So I was just having this memory of the worst dermatologist I've ever seen. I'm due for my yearly physical at the doctor, and while I'm there I was planning to ask him to refer me to a DIFFERENT dermatologist. Last time was hell on earth and left me without answers for the misery growing on my face. That was in January after I waited 6 months to get in. The story goes like this: Traffic was terrible that day and even though I left 40 minutes early anticipating it would be hard to find parking, I still ended up being 10 minutes late. Not to worry as doctors are always late themselves and I still spent 20 minutes in the waiting room. I filled out the background information form with difficulty as my hands were stiff and swollen, thawing out because mother nature has no mercy on those who live in Calgary and have to park downtown several blocks from their actual destination. Finally it was my turn. I was relieved and excited to finally be getting some help. It had been almost a year and the same patch of pimples hadn't cleared up, and it seemed like more were starting to pop out. I waited again in the little room until finally the dermatologist arrived. Without introduction he looked at my face and said "Well...what's the problem?" In that slightly annoyed tone as though to say "your problem isn't worth my time. That pizza face kid in the next room will pay for my porshe." Stunned at this doctors lack of empathy for me I tried to politely explain what I was there for ("i have these bumps on my nose, alot of black heads, and these under the skin pimples on my chin that won't go away"). He didn't seem too concerned and then stunned me yet again with his response. I had to hold my tongue as my mind raced through several words I could snap at him. "Well.... What do you want me to do about it?". Excuse me? You're the doctor! Obviously I want you to tell me what I can do to fix it!! I wouldn't be here if I knew what to do about it! I was more than unimpressed by this doctors rude approach to patient interaction, "well, I would like something to help it go away?". "Like what? oral meds, cream..." "Um... (Is this guy for real?) I'd prefer cream before oral medication." With that he wrote a perscription handed it to me and left the room. "Thanks for coming!" said the nurse as I left. I was dissapointed in the brief meeting (totalling approximately 3 minutes), angry at the doctors lack of respect and concern for my problem, and shocked at how unfullfilling my 6 month wait had turned out to be. I arrived twenty minutes later at shoppers to deliver my prescription. As I was standing in line I decided to read my pescription and lucky I did. "Is tetracycline the same as it used to be?" I asked the pharmacist. "Yes" he replied looking alittle bit confused of why I would ask such a silly question. "well... I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this" I said. He typed up my name in the computer and sure enough it was listed under my allergies. You may be thinking this is my fault for not mentioning it to the dermatologist... which would be correct except that I assumed that doctors usually read those background sheets you fill out while you wait in the waiting room. Under allergies I had written tetracycline and minocycline. Apparently this doctor hadn't read my background information, and now on top of feeling insulted by my visit to the dermatologist, it had now become a completely useless experience as i could not even use the prescription that he had given me. No way in hell was I wasting another minute of my life to go back to that office for another encounter with the asshole. My money will go elsewhere. Unfortuneately my story hasn't ended and I am still plagued by the evil chin acne... it's like one of those pooh rolling beetles in my mind that has been rolling one pooh ball after another for so long that I just feel like my face is one massive ball of pooh. I just felt like saying pooh alot.

You Are What You Eat

I've been reading alot of nutritional books lately. Basically to sum them up in a few points:
1) Margarine, hydrogenated vegatable oils, and red meat = too much bad fats
2) Whole grains, vegetables, and fruits = good
3) Regulating blood sugar with low GI foods, small frequent meals and healthy snacks, and cinnimon = good
4) Omega 3 fatty acids = good
5) Limit dairy products
6) Processed foods, flour, and sugar = evil

So far all this seems to be common sense and at a glance would seem like an easy diet to follow - eat healthy, right? So my journey towards a more healthy diet started in my attempt to rid myself of the evil acne plaguing my face. I swear I've had the same zits in the same patch for over a year now and frankly put, it's just plain depressing. I'm twenty one and acne is supposed to be a teenager thing (or so I wish). I tried several strict washing regimes, and creams from the dermotologist too. I was on two different kinds over several months for the past year and a half and the only improvement I saw was that the big nasty cystic zits decreased (thank God).
Then I saw this book called the clear skin diet, which seemed interesting because it was about nutrition (one of my interests) as well as providing some education about skin and acne. Could this be my problem? Now that I've finished that book I'm onto a new book and have another few lined up for later. Edumacation here I come! Upon undertaking this nutritional perspective, although probably good in the long run, in the short term is causing alot of stress. All I want to do is try this way of living, make my own food, sample healthy recipes, etc. but I'm finding I am cramped. It's not that my kitchen is too small, or that the materials and ingredients aren't available (they are all here and more), it's that the kitchen is not mine. The food is not mine. Since I live with my family I can't just go in and weed out all the "bad stuff" in the cupboard and fridge cause it's not mine. For some reason I also find it annoying relying on food my Mom bought and I can't seem to get comfortable cooking in the kitchen because I always feel rushed like I can't just relax and cook. I have to worry about ... something... I can't put my finger on it. I just want my own space with my own cooking supplies and ingredients. I want to move out! I want to cook a meal in MY place and invite my family to eat it. But alas my income is insufficient to buy or rent in Calgary's crazy market. I can't get a full time job because I go back to school in september... I can't get a career without an education in SOMETHING but I'm half way through my degree so I have to finish it off. I guess I'm feeling the need to "grow up" but also feeling trapped or stagnant at the stage right before. Should I just take the plunge and move out? I know my parents would disagree and say its foolish to live beyond my means (wait, am I being like a kid for worrying about the disagreement of my parents?). Right now it just seems as though I am grinding it out... and life will start in two years on the completion of my degree. In the meantime things will go as they must... I'm just scared that something won't wait for me that long. Basically this rant is about how my attempt to reform my life in the way of nutrition has lead me on a domino path of thoughts and to the realization that these things are ultimately connected - moving one string in the web has caused strain on the others - unless the whole web can be moved somehow... and I ate a Mr.Big icecream bar today... I'm off to a good start...

Girl Talk

Help! I need a female friend who actually would at least pretend she wants to hear my girly problems. I feel a lack of female companionship, especially when things get rough in the 'ol boyfriend department. I have a few girl friends but I don't see them often, and the ones i do see often have some kind of issue with boys and get annoyed everytime i bring up my boyfriends name. My sister seems to be the only one who will listen to me, but I feel embarrassed telling her problems like that, like she will log it away in her brain to use as a weapon in the future of sisterly conflicts. And of course, the guys aren't very interested. They seem to take my problems as evidence of a lack of compassion for THEIR problems (WIM - Whoa is me). Instead of having someone to listen and give advice it becomes a "well look at all the things happening to ME" type conversation. I feel like I always end up being the listener and never the teller... and in the end having alot to say and no one to say it to.

Title

Last night I did a 45 minute presentation with a partner in my kinesiology class. We lectured on chapter 8 of out text book (conveniently written by our professor). Public speaking has always been one of my weaknesses. I dreaded this March 24 at the thought of myself standing in front of my fellow class mates "teaching" them information I knew only just as well (and possible even less) than some of them. I imagined myself stuttering, slipping on my words, with sweat marks growing under neath my arm pits. At the end they would bombared me with questions and my mind would go blank as i rambled some random answer met with smug faces of disapointment. But as a somewhat nuerotic individual, this was me preparing for the worst possible scenerio (not including peeing or letting one rip out of nervousness in front of everyone, that's going a bit far, although I did think of it in "what if" terms at one point. At 5:30pm we took our stand infront of the class. Our powerpoint project was tweaked and ready to go. We had three well thought out quiz questions at the beggining. Things were going well. My partner was first, introducing the topic and delving into some background information. She was doing excellent. At last the moment of truth arrived. I stood up and to my own surprise my voice rang out loud, clear, and free of stutters. My mind was flowing, the words were stringing together like some magical chain (yes, bad simile, i know). I was exceeding even my practice performance (strength in numbers?). By the end of the presentation I was relieved that it was over. I had a good feeling that I knew what I had done right and what I would be criticized on. We waited to receive our feedback forms. Amazing. I felt so satisfied with myself, like I had conquered a fear, and destroyed Goliath. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, like twenty pats on my back. The thing that most stuck in my mind was the comments regarding me and my partner's team work. We did an excellent job keeping the flow of the presentation - one of us manned the power point while the other spoke. I also received compliments on my ability to maintain eye contact with the class while reading my notes clearly and appearing to be very knowledgeable on the topic. It may seem as though I like to toot my own horn, but hey, once in awhile you have to give yourself credit for a job well done, especially when it was extremely challenging. It important to remember positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. To sum up, basically I feel like I've added an accomplishment to my life's resume and now have an experience under my belt to take with me and use in similar future situations. One last thing I need to mention is that I felt as though my partner and I had been able to deliever a formal presentation, choked full of important information while still maintaining a lighthearted peer relationship with our classmates.

Vacations

Man, I need a vacation. Or maybe I just need to move... somewhere far away and start all over. Why do I feel like this? I don't know. It could be the stresses of school. I've come to the conclusion that work in university is way more stressful if it doesn't seem necessary. In one of my classes it feels like I have an unnecessarily large work load... why can't i just learn the material and spit it out on a test like every other class? It's not like i don't learn anything that way, which is what some people claim. Why should i be punished for someone else's poor ability to learn via multiple choice testing strategies? This class requires me and a partner to make a lecture for the class on a given chapter (i have chapter 10). The lecture must include a PowerPoint presentation and an audience participation activity. I guess I have to read my book a few weeks in advance - pooooo! Then, the midterm is no ordinary midterm. It consists of three questions which the teacher has already posted on blackboard. The catch? They are essay questions, which the teacher expects to be perfect and in depth since we've had time to look over the questions in advance and " make outlines". She also suggests we meet with groups in the class and discuss the questions and answers. My crazy group just happen to be a bunch of keeners and people with only one or 2 classes this semester. The first meeting they already had a lot of research done. Since I was busy with other classes and midterms for that week I had just started reading the questions and basically felt like an idiot the whole time - not a confidence booster. Aside from this midterm research, and lecture thing, we also have a final project which we must soon start. It is to "train" a client on how to use something called the quiet eye in sports, then right a report on our findings. If i only had one or two classes this would be alright and possibly even fun, but i also have another class with a final project due as well as several more labs. It just feels like my brain is split into so many areas this semester its hard to keep track of school and the rest of life. So that's my vent for today. In other news... stress has also arisen in the friendship area of life. I was talking to some people i work with who feel the same as me . They work all day talking to people, training people, some go to school as well, and in the down time they just want to go home and relax. However, there are always other people (ie. friends) whose lives are different and would like your down time to be time spent with them. Sometimes they don't understand that you just want to sleep or sit at home alone and watch some good ol' TV. I totally understand that frustration. You don't want to answer the phone, you don't feel like explaining yourself all the time. This may also be the reason for reluctance to make long term plans (eg. committing to a party that happens next weekend, what if you don't feel like going then?) What's wrong with hanging out once every couple weeks? I imagine, as it is for me, that this becomes more frustrating when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to spend time with in your down time. Now you have the problem of trying to explain that in your tiredness you just want to go home and cuddle... you're under pressure to split your time, weigh your priorities and values, and in doing so run the risk of angering and/or even losing friends ( some of which need/demand more time than others). Solution? How 'bout combine friends and boyfriend for some of your free time - kill two birds with one stone. Easy right? As I have discovered it is easier said than done. Friends see you and your boyfriend as an item - or in less nice terms, as you with something attached that divides your attention and makes things "awkward". You see it as a chance for everyone to become friends and to join two opposing groups in harmony - this is my Utopian vision. But I won't jump into generalizations fully - this situation of course depends on the personalities of those involved. I enjoy having all my friends join together no matter who they are or what history we have. I believe awkwardness is what you make it - it depends on your perspective. For example, a lull in conversation, an awkward pause? or an opportunity to reflect on previous conversation or to go do a different task and give your mind a break? Being the third wheel, awkward feeling of being left out? or chance to spend time with your friend while they are happiest and see another side/influence in their life? Unfortunately I don't believe most people see things in the most "positive" light and because of this I believe they limit themselves in a lot of ways. It is frustrating to experience this barrier to my Utopian vision. haha Maybe I'm just too sensitive... that's my parent's criticism.