OMG. I'm a feminist.

Coming to this realization was an interesting process. I was reading a textbook called "sports in society" for a class at school. On a side note, sociology is quite interesting (I think I expressed this is an earlier blog which I actually ended up referring back to when writing a paper on functionalist, conflict, and interpretivist theories). Anyways, this particular point expressed in the textbook was something I felt very strongly about and have had first hand experience dealing with people's attitudes regarding. It is about gender stereotypes in sport. Maybe this extends a bit farther even - gender roles and "inequalities" in other areas of life - after all it all connects together, kind of a universal topic.
I recall my sister telling me the story of one of her co workers who couldn't decide what extra curricular activity to enroll her daughter in. She expressed that she didn't want to put her daughter in a sport like soccer and my sister asked her why. The lady said she didn't want her daughter to become a lesbien and turn out butch. My sister was shocked and replied "I play soccer. I think it's a great activity". If you don't already know, my sister is a very pretty girl. She is the farthest away from butch you can possibly get. She enjoys dressing up and primping herself and in most cases ends up looking like some kind of runway model when she leaves the house, expecially when she's going to work (she is known at the office as the girl with all the shoes - 4 inch christian loboutins being her staple item). The lady was shocked and embarrassed, "you play soccer? You're not a tom boy at all!". I also play soccer so you could imagine my surprise when my sister told me this story. Do people still think like this? What time period is this woman from? Apprently alot of people still think like this and it is evident in the messages expressed in the media, especially around sports.
Feminists point out that sports are an area of compulsory heterosexuality. Participation in many sports is influenced by the maculinity or feminity of that sport (eg. football and figure skating being on opposite end of the scale). Particiption in sport is often effected by stigmas that go along with them. For example, if a man participates in figure skating or ballet there's a pretty good chance people will label him as gay, therefore it is unlikely that a boy who is brought up by a traditional family will participate in dance, and would probably go into hockey instead of figure skating - possibly due to encouragement and maybe to avoid the social consequences of choosing the latter. I'm getting a bit off topic. Media surrounding sports makes it hard for people to appreciate the value of participation in sport (especially for women) by indirectly supporting stereotypes. Female hockey player's have their identities kept very secret except for anything that shows they are "real" women. Facts like their martital status and having children are important for the public to know (Men in sports who are not heterosexual are often closeted until their career is over for fear of the repercusions of being outed). Majority of accomplished female athletes are not known about (compared to men) and when they are, they appear in ads wearing "appropriate" feminine attire - a result of combining business and social ideologies. This brings me to my out of sport beef with our culture as we know it.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Women are subjected to mixed messages in the media. Strength and confidence is valued but so is thin. Too much muscle is masculine. You must be strong but don't look that way (in some places this changing). Sport and exercise is promoted as a means to get strong and healthy but cultural messages are telling women they shouldn't have muscle. What's a girl to do? In some cases these messages are so conflicting they hinder the participation in fitness that is good for feeling good and getting healthy.
My text book mentioned that some women do not go to the gym because they feel like they aren't thin enough yet and won't look good when they go to work out. I have personally heard this said. My own ears have actually heard this excuse for not working out!!! EARTH TO MATILDA!! Hypothetically: Without considering the impact of social ideology on these women's self esteems, and let's just say that the only reason to work out is to look good, isn't this the exact opposite way to accomplish the goal of losing weight? If exercising is how one is to lose weight, then not exercising because one feels self conscious about one's weight will most certainly not solve the problem. In real life, these women are missing opportunities not only to improve their self esteem but also to change their lifestyle and improve their health. This is because of all these mixed messages.
I have decided that I want to make some sort of group or effort to change the way big business and media dictate participation in sports and fitness, especially for women. It will be hard and almost impossible, but a movement needs to start somewhere. People should be free to be who they are and sports should not be used a way to impose a personhood on someone. It's okay to be a butch soccer player or a pretty in pink one as long as you're happy. And going to the gym shouldn't be a decision based on how you look now, maybe not even how you will look after, but how you feel and how it will impact your lifestyle. And no decision regarding sports participation should be made according to your sexuality or someone elses.

Note: In women's beachvolley ball, there is a rule that an athlete can not participate if her bikini bottom has THICKER than 7cm sides. Obviously this has nothing to do with performance and more to do with entertainment - of men.

http://sports.popcrunch.com/the-50-hottest-female-athletes-of-all-time/

Manifest

I heard on a discovery channel show about 2012 that they used a computer to analyse all the data on the internet and come up with predictions based on the "subconscious" of all the people using the ineternet. If you have read about any philosophies that say everyone is connected, that you can manifest your own destiny then you would understand the logic behind the idea that a computer analysis of the internet could predict the future. There is also a popular notion out there called "positive thinking" (you've probably heard of it :-P...) that says that if you think positively and give positive energy to the universe good things will happen to you. This might be compared to the idea of karma, where the opposite is true as well. Even Justin Timberlake made a song about it (what goes around comes around... whatever happened to him anyways?). If this is all true I'm going to add some of my own thoughts into the universe via the internet. Right here I will manifest some destiny in ten lol:
1. I will become rich and possibly famous (thus leading to more riches) (next 3 - 5 years)
2. I will have my own house with a nice kitchen where I will cook wonderful meals for my perfect loving husband and our wonderful, over achieving children who are also cool. (10 - 15 years)
3. My family and friends will be happy and healthy and enjoy long, prosperous lives. (present til forever)
4. We will all survive 2012.
. Zombies will never happen. (now til forever)
6. The human race will make a dramatic change and start caring for the earth and all the animals in it. Meat places will adhere to a very strict code of humane treatment of animals and all livestock and other animals will be happy and healthy regadless of where they live. (january 23, 2011)
7. My acne will disappear forever and my skin will be beautiful and healthy - hopefully in the next month or sooner!!!
8. My sister will become a very successful business woman and have a harmonious family life too. (7 - 10 years from now)
9. My friends will find life partner's who treat them with respect, support them, and make them happy while still allowing them their freedom and independence. (from now until forever, next 2 years most likely)
10. Dexter will be on at a more reasonable hour. (January 2010 or whenever the next season starts)

Most of these theories suggest you should alo include a time line so beside each statement I have put in brackets when this should happen.

Lie to me.

If there's one thing I've found in the most recent events of my life, it's that being lied to is one of the most emotionally painful experiences - even if it's not a big lie. I don't think I ever really knew what the term "to alient" meant until this weekend. On saturday night after an amazing fun time at the flames game, we were going to go out to party when half our group left due to drunkeness. We ended up going to the home of two of them and playing rock band which was pretty fun, although not what was expected to happen that night. The other member of the party apparently went home feeling sick but chose to do so on his own (we offered a ride but it was refused). I called several times and texted to ensure this person had made it back to his home safely, as I was feeling guilty for allowing him to leave when he was apparently so intoxicated. The next day I saw pictures of him on facebook (damn you facebook) at a party that occurred saturday night. He had faked being sick and drunk to go to a party only because a former friend of mine was there - he was too scared to say that's where he was going. My heart sank when I saw this. I don't care who he hangs out with or when, but I do care that he is too scared to be honest and simply say "I've been invited to a party after the game and I'll be leaving to go there". The worst part is that while he was telling us his plan to get home I suspected he was lying. I said later that I didn't think he was going home and that he wasn't that drunk... then again, I thought I could be wrong and since I called him later to check up on him and he answered that he was home safely, I figured maybe I was wrong and he really was feeling sick. I just feel so annoyed. Why make people waste energy worrying about you if it's just a big lie? And for what? What am I going to do if he tells the truth - I know what I'd do, probably nothing. "Have fun" I'd say.
I feel like my "sincere" and genuwine friend is turning into a jerk... I feel like he's just feeling obligated to be my friend and doesn't actually want to be. I feel like he's being controlled by "a force" that wants me to be unhappy. Why is it so important to hide these things? Another friend of mine was at that party too - but at least he didn't lie to me.... I'm not mad about that.
I just want to live my life in peace - have my own experiences and relationships with my friends, unaffected by their friendships with other people. I'm going to confront him today and simply say that I feel hurt that he lied to me. I will also assure him that his business is not my concern and that I won't be upset or angry if he tells me the truth - it's his life and he can do what he wants - however I have a right in this friendship to honesty.


When will end? I wonder. I don't think he realizes the affect of his actions. The situation is sensitive, where people are understandably conflicted. I realize there are tensions occurring. I also feel that people need to have faith in their friends. I had faith that I could maintain my friendships with people despite tensions I might have with their friends. I know I control my own actions and I know that faced with an awkward situation I can react in a mature and controlled manner. I feel like my friends don't have this confidence in me and I don't know why. I haven't done anything in the past I can think of that would make me seem unreliable in this regard. It pains me to think that I have placed faith in this person, in him being a mature person who remains nuetral, realizing that my frienship with him has nothing to do with his other frienships. I feel like that trust was broken on saturday night. Now I fear I'm being alienated... like my friends are being pulled away from me and I will be alone eventually. And for what? I've tried to be understanding to their needs and freedoms but it just never seems to get through. I was holding on to this faith that they care about me and wouldn't abandon me... and now I feel like its just all falling apart.

If you're reading this and you're my friend, I want you to know this. That I will support you in any decision you make (unless its murder or drugs... or other unlawful or dangerous behavior haha). Your life is in your control. Your experience is your own and different than mine and I respect that. Do not feel scared to be honest with me, or to do what you want (more specifically to rekindle frienships) because if that is what makes you happy then that is what I want for you. I recognize that people have their differences (differences in partying habits, goals, methods of reaching those goals...) but I won't allow things like that to destroy a good frienship. I rather my friends have the freedom (feel free not guilty) to do what they like if it makes them feel good cause a happy free friend is better than a dishonest, resentful one.

Second Mother's Day

There should be two mother's days in the year... at least!
I just want to thank my mom because she is so great. She's always there to listen when I experience some kind of emotional turmoil, then she makes me feel better and puts things into perspective. Some how she just has all this wisdom. And if that wasn't enough she's an excellent cook and on thanksgiving this year, made a huge amazing feast!! There was an awesome pumpkin cake (and pumpkin pies) to finish off with too. Wow. I just feel so amazed about my mom right now. THANK YOU!!!!

Conflict Thoery

I just finished writing a midterm for a sociology class (Social Cultural Perspective in Sport). Sociology is extremely interesting and opens the mind to look at the world from various angles. I did sociology as a first year option and was equally excited by many of the theories and ideas (except for the pedagogy part which was very dry) as I am in this kinesiology focused version of the subject. I'll just dive right in now... calgary is a very functionalist society (I guess this is very similar to saying conservative as it was once known - we like the status quo). The culture here promotes competition and meritocracy. Most of the time we like the way things are and believe that that's how they should be so that society can run "efficiently". Perhaps consequencial differences like ability, intelligence, education, and economic status are maintained here in the name of the economy. Rewarding those who have higher education (such as engineers) with high salaries in oil companies is an example. As a kid I was taught that this was a good thing because those who worked harder should get more rewards and this would encourage healthy competition, motivation and drive, and keep the economy stable or growing. If work was not rewarded according to its value and ability required, those who "slacked off" would be encouraged to do so, and those who worked hard would have a lack of motivation after noticing they would get the same reward regardless of effort. Then the economy would fail, affecting other aspects of society and ultimately everyone's quality fo life. Yes, this is a very functionalist idea. And yes it seems like a bad thing when considered from the perspective of disadvantaged people, but society has been built around these ideals and has provided those who comply with it a decent to above average quality of life. Like any label, there are pros and cons. This is just a little bit of background to segway (haha segway...) into my conflict theory argument/rant. I have a bone to pick with the university. It's about my field of study and how it is burdened (in my opinion) by functionalist ideals when it comes to elite athletes. My interest in kinesiology partially stems from a motivation to "help" people, or rather, contribute to society in a positive way that I also find ejoyable. As I'm sure everyone has already heard, there is an obesity epidemic in north america... the risk of many chronic diseases and ailments is increased or caused by obesity and many many deaths can be attributed to lifestyles that promote these diseases, including obesity. It is my job as a person trained in practitioning healthy lifestyle choices (such as exercise and nutrition) to go out in the world and take action with the hopeful consequence of preventing/reducing chronic disease, changing the distribution of healthcare funds and ultimately improving people's quality of life (big goals!). BUT .... How can I do this if the university has this annoying tendency to focus on elite athlete performance? Yes, elite athletes are important for studying biomechanics, or performance psychology, and yes they are important for funding, government/country recognition (consider olympics), but they are lab rats. That's not supposed to be an insult... I mean, they are not gernalizable to the majority, to the public. The are a limited population who are more than likely already biased in some way (which is why they had the motivation, the athletic ability, maybe the money and time to become elite). They provide very little insight about the general public - most people don't have the time, money, or motivation not only to become elite at a sport, but in most cases even to engage in enough activity to meet canada's recommended amount for good health. From a conflic theory perspective, I would argue that the functionlist attitude of meritocracy has ignored the underdogs and dedicated too much time and money to the "elite". Maybe this is attitude contributes to health issues in society. Maybe people do not exercise enough because they don't see it as applicable to their life. Elite athlete's lives revolve around training, and goal setting, and finding ways to improve. This knowledge and could be utilized by the general public to employ life improvement strategies that are fed to elite athlete on silver spoons. Why not invest the time and resources into the greater population and equally benefit society?? Why are strategies to improve elite performance crammed into our brains yet there are few ooportunities to apply this knowledge. Majority of the students will be working with the general public anyways... why not focus on strategies to help the everyday person?
A small aside about my practicum and how it relates to my discussion above. Unfortunately I can't give out too many details but I can say that although the majority of the technology and programs available or underdevelopment are geared toward... guess who!! the elite athletes, I was inspired to think of ways that it can be modifyed and used by "real" people. I can't believe how much I learned already about technology and how it can be applied to the world of sport... or in my case instructors...
If you haven't already figured it out (or know already), conflict theory suggests that inequalities in society should be adressed and changed for the betterment of society. They are the antagonists to functionalists (who don't want change, and believe things are as they should be even if it promotes inequalities). While I might be a functionalist when it comes to the workplace (jobs and careers) I am a conflictionist when it comes to health and opportunities.

Random thought (as though this wasn't long enough): today I watched a presentation on some nutrition research currently being done with obesity in rats. I find it hard to come up with good questions for researchers and all I could think of while I looked at the picture of the really fat rat was "wouldn't it be funny to see him dancing... should i ask if that rat likes to dance?" I wonder what kind of weird look I would've received if I asked that as though it was a very serious question.... *insert laughing to myself here...*

Another Letter.

I will begin by summing up in one word: ANGRY.

There is nothing left to salvage. The foundations of this friendship have been completely destroyed. I feel my trust has been shattered. The most recent events have allowed me to step back and think and this is what I found. Maybe one thing I can thank you for is taking the lid off the bottle and allowing me to escape. So many things I was angry about and kept bottled inside. I never had the courage to speak up. I felt that you would not understand and would take offence, making it my fault - speaking up would only escalate the situation.
I walked on glass, afraid to make one wrong move. I was afraid to live my life freely because anything I did would have some effect on you and would almost always come with a punishment.

So many times I felt like I only had your conditional support. Everytime I started a new relationship I was never met with support or understanding, but instead critical comments and guilt trips. I recall a time when you said to me "I hope your relationship fails". This was one of the first times I realized that you were not a true friend because a person who cared about me would never wish for me to be hurt. There were several incidents in the past few years where you accused me of ditching you before anything had even occurred (and I had no intention of doing so), or canceled events to prevent me from coming because I invited my boyfriend. You accused me of not spending enough time with my friends when I had seen you at least once a week and sometimes more on purpose just so that you wouldn't feel that way. I felt like you did not appreciate the amount of time and energy I spent balancing my time with you with the rest of life. It was like nothing I did was ever enough because there was always a lecture or a stabbing comment coming my way. Many times I felt like I was being tested and if I didn't call you within a exceptable time frame only known to you it indicated a failure of my frienship. There have been times you surprise attacked me when I didn't even know you were angry. You say you don't like being fake but you pretend not to be angry or that you are okay with things and then suddenly explode and wonder why no one knew. You have no idea the amount of stress the uncertaintly of conflict has caused me. Never knowing if what I do is going to start a drama, even if it is not related to you at all.
In the beggining your dramas were confined to your home life and other friends. Later on they began to be directed at me, and worse at my friends or our mutual friends. I realized this past spring that I can not tell you anything. I confided in you several times only to have my words and quotes, immediately twisted and used as fuel to hurt my friends. I decided that I would never confide in you again because you could not be trusted to keep what I said confidential or respect me enough to realize your "spazzes" would affect my relationships with my other friends and their trust in me. I've never had to apologize so much in my life for things I said in confidence to you. My new perspective on you as being untrustworthy was further enforced when you began forwarding Dan's text messages to me, proving that you were direspectful not just to me but to others as well. I am also angry about the comments you made about my friend Herish and what you told the boys about them which I believe was very ignorant.
Most recently, aside from embarrassing me in public, you attempted to shun me from our friends and accused me of inviting myself along because of what I can only imagine is due to my affiliation with Dan, and my refusal to obey your wishes that I not be with him. My feelings were completely disregarded - you gave me an ultimatum, either you or him. f you are that selfish and uncaring about how I feel than the choice is much easier. You were unwilling to put aside your differences with people you didn't get along with in many instances of our friendship but this situation was probably the most imparitive.
At the theater you asked if I valued our friendship but after contemplating all that I have just written down (and more) it seems that sadly the answer is clear. No, I do not value lack of trust, lack of support, lack of communication and selfishness. There are many more specific incidents I could bring up, many very redundant, but the emotions I have about them are already summed up in this letter. In conclusion, I believe this friendship is over.

I hope that my words have had an impact on your feelings about this situation. I know this situation has provided me with a new outlook on what is important in a frienship and who my true friends really are. I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,
T

NAWWWT jokes.

So the past few weeks I felt like God was pulling a few Not-jokes on me. First I was signed up for a personal training course only to get a call a week prior saying that it was cancelled. I was so pumped and then so disappointed. Those courses are very difficult to find at a convenient time (that doesn't interfere with school). So that dream was swiftly crushed... at least within the time frame I hoped for. Then, I applied to a practicum at school. I got all beautified and went to meet this lady who ran a program called TrymGym. If I couldn't get my AFLCA certificate then why not get practical experience and credit for school? Well, she was a weirdo. Didn't ask me a single interview question. Basically just told me that she didn't think it was good for me to do in the fall because she only had one session available a week for a student and they prefer you to do two (only without actually saying any of this directly, and more implying it through stories about the program). Plus I'd have to rearrange my work schedule in order to get that one shift. The end of the interview was pure awkward when she sat in silence. I kept wondering if this was the end... she was so unclear and unprofessional. Then I simply said "ok, well how about i contact you tomorrow morning and let you know if I can change my schedule" in an attempt to close the conversation (she obviously wanted to but was awkwards and didn't know how to). She says "ok." and then sits there silently again. WTF So then I said nice to meet you and left her office. She didn't even get out of her chair. What. the. heck. I felt so defeated. I was also pissed because she could've saved herself half an hour and me two hours or more of getting ready by simply saying "I'm sorry we are all full accept one spot on monday evenings, however that won't meet your required hours criteria so I suggest you try again in winter". The deadline was the next day. Hey you're gonna geta practicum placement todau - NNNAAWWWT! But then the next day in a desperate attempt to find a placement I went to the placement coordinator and met this technologies guy who i will work with thsi semester - finally something goes right. Also my phone broke, so i might get a new one (this breaks even I guess). A girl in my class told me after i went to the awkward interview, "that just means something better is coming". Some people have a way of making things seems better. Maybe destiny is at work.

Cruising

What can I say? Not much to update. Life's been good. I went to Jasper and it was beautiful! I can't believe all the hidden gems alberta has to offer (and you thought it was just big prairie land full of rednecks, oil, and Banff). I saw two really sweet waterfalls. They must be the kind that fake ones are modelled after because they were awe striking when seen in real life. God truley is a great designer. He even made real mountains that look like those fake ones at the Calgary Zoo in dinosaur land - or maybe those were designed after those mountains? I need to go to drumheller and investigate. Anyways, these moutains were like drumheller on top except in Jasper. I also saw a black bear when driving in the campground.



I particularly enjoyed my company because he had the same explorative style as me - we love exploring! and it's hard to find someone who will read all the information plaques at tourist attractions, haha. We stopped at the columbia ice fields and took a gander at the glacier. They had signs that indicated where the glacier had been at different years (it's been receding). In the early years (from 1890 to about 1950) it receeded fairly slowly... maybe 25 meters every twenty years. I'm guessing increases in human activity (since industrialization really took off) have increased the rate of the glacier melting. After 1950 around there were longer distances between the signs. From 1992 until today there is about 80 - 100 meters... It's a bit scarey. How much will be left for my children to see? What changes does the future hold for such environemtally dependent attractions and wonders?

I'm excited for school to start again! I checked out the new

mall at cross iron mills today and bought a few new things. IMPORTANT TIP: If you haven't noticed yet, all the La Senzas in Calgary suck balls lately. They only sell super fugly bright coloured cotton bras with seams all over or weird letters... not my style anyways... ALL THE GOOD STUFF WAS SENT TO BALZAC!! The La Senza there is amazing and I was able to find a nice normal, microfiber nude bra. It was awesome. That was the highlight of the shopping experience. I thought Miss Sixty would be it but after seeing the amazing two level one in Vegas it's pretty hard to impress me now haha. Yay for a return to dressing decent after my bummish summer!

Liberation & Little Coincidences

An update on my life. A good one finally. Let's just say... in regards to my last blog, "friendships" have been revised (at least for now) and life has been drama free since the "amputation". Had a good weekend with mature people who know how to have fun and not at the expense of other's. It's about time.

One of these night's I had a dream that I was a hair stylist trying to convince a client that they should get frosted tips on their newly cut short blond hair. When I awoke I could not remember the face of the person, only that it was someone I currently know. I had written down what hair they should get on a small piece of cardboard. Somewhere else in my dream (might have even been one of those weird falling asleep thoughts) I was confused because I could not remember for the life of me what a parsnip was. I had visions of every fruit and vegetable I could imagine but could never bring up the picture of a parsnip. Nope...not this, this is blueberries, this is plums, this is celery root... and so on.
Today at work some small coincidences occurred. One of the first orders of the day was a parsnip. We haven't had them in stock for awhile. I knew what it was immedietly and recalled my dream briefly - this is a parsnip. Later on a coworker who recently cut his long hair came to work. It was plain before, today it was trimmed with frosted tips (he has blond hair too). I mentioned it to him and he asked why don't I dream up him winning the lottery. If all my dreams came true this would be a really messed up world! (insert laughing here).

In other news, I am now on disc 3 of season 2 of Dexter. The preimer of season 4 starts september 27. This is my new favourite Tv show even though I've never actually watched it as such. Just on DVDs.

Pain in my Neck.

New poem called Gangrene:
You're like an infection
a festering wound of the flesh
you're never happy unless pestering
keeping the pus flowing fresh

Ignoring the problem just spreads it
until it's under every inch of my skin
til the pain is so thick i can't feel it
it grows green and sickening

No medicine can heal the affliction
Retort is an oil on the burn
No use to tolerate your infliction
I've learned that this just reoccurrs.

the only solution is to amputate
to cut off the limb that is lame
For us it seems to be too late
to salvage the dying remains

the germ that you spawned is growing
rapidly forging its fate
its host it is slowly destroying
but no more will you irritate

I will go numb before I go insane
peeling the dead layers away
scraping away the worms of your bane
meanwhile you will be left to decay


This poem was inspired by the fucking stupid drama that a certain person continuously puts in my life. The thread of my patience is worn very thin. I am beggining to reconsider sticking with it because I just can't take this grade two shit anymore. It seems like even when I'm doing my part to steer clear of stupidness somehow "someone" always has to try and make my life miserable (but indirectly of course, because it would be just to easy to directly anger me... let's make me the middle man instead and disect my life into pieces so I can never have a harmonious relationship with anyone). There's only so much I can stand before someone gets "amputated". From previous incidents I have already determined that the foundation of trust has been completely shattered... I can only walk on this glass for so long before it slices me, and when I get hurt there is hell to pay. Good friends DO NOT act like this. Good friends campaigne for you happiness, they don't attempt to undermine it.


hahaha. sorry that paragraph was abit overdramatic.. . you're right, I'm not sorry! I needed to vent my true feelings!!

Who woulda thunk it?

Sooo.... this is kind of a continuation of the last blog I guess - an update shall we say?

I went out for dinner with my friend. It was awesome. It felt like I found my soul mate. It's almost scarey... is this even possible? The next line will reassure you of this fact for sure (lol):

He brought me flowers!!! OMG *insert girly moment of insane giggling and shortness of breath here* I haven't gotten flowers since high school... and definitely not on the first date! wow. talk about romantic. hahaha as for the juicey details... i think i'll leave some mystery and you can find that out later. ;-)

Whoa WHOA Whoa. And Giddyup!

SO some weird stuff has happened... I dipped my toe into the sea of online dating and got a profile on plenty of fish.com. As I expected... a lot of uninteresting messages came and nothing truly amazing happened. I did see this one guy but I have a feeling I've been indirectly rejected as it would seem I can now fully relate to that movie "he's just not that into you". BUT like the movie suggests, hopes don't die easily and because my rejection was little more than a failure to return messages within a certain "reasonable" amount of days I can still feel some crushlike feeling clinging there for dear life... He also called me "bud" in a facebook chat which struck me slightly odd, like maybe it was an attempt to hint that the possibility of more than "buds" is not there. I don't know... Or maybe I do but don't want to admit. I'm thinking of waiting a bit longer and then just straight up asking "hey, have I been indirectly rejected? just wondering..." I don't like being in the dark.
As one door closes, another door opens. Or should I say one door slightly closes and another seems to be unlocked... dilemmas dilemnas. So another guy fully just admitted he has a crush one me. Problem is he's a friend. And not just a normal type friend because that would make things much simpler. Instead, he a friend that is part of "the group" so there's that issue with "group dynamic" and more than likely future drama. I'm trying to remain calm and just "go with the flow" or in the words of Rhianna "live your life hey eeeeheeheh!" What can you do eh? We could ingore it or we could not ignore it. I don't know. You've probably figured out by now that I'm not an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. It's just plain confusing. I'm thinking I should live my life (like the song), check out every possibility and take a really long time to come to decisions, unless immediate action is warranted - that rarely occurs.

Personal Goals to Improve Interpersonal Relationships

Well, a lot of stupid drama has occurred lately as I have explained in earlier blogs (sort of). In light of this situation I've come to a common sensicle conclusion allowing me to set a few personal goals that will hopefully make my life easier in the future. They are mainly obvious, and mostly meant to redirect me back to a path that I somehow wondered off of so I can live my life according to my true values, and not according to momentary reactions or feelings. It will be difficult but I am sincerely prepared to alter my interractions for what i believe will be a better outcome. Along with every goal are a few process goals. I will state them here in order to have a written record not easily lost in the muddle of thoughts that is my brain.

1. Never speak about friends in a negative way behind their back regardless of the intensity of emotion that I feel in the moment. I will begin by changing "rants" into praises and simply saying "I don't want to talk about it" when someone insists on gossiping, or by annoying the gossiper with praise about the person they are cutting down. ha
2. Find a third party confidante who is trustworthy. Even if I have to go to councellor or something I will not use any person who doesn't want that position, or who has proven in some way that they are untrustworth with my feelings. This may mean a reevaluation of close frienships. I realize this goal slightly conflicts with the first, however, being realistic, I also realize that it is unhealthy to bottle emotions and sometimes having a social support network is necessary. It would probably not hurt to have someone to ask advice of or to help me sort out emotions about particularly stressful incidents.
3. The truth will set you free (or "honesty is always the best policy except for when its not" haha). I had this goal awhile back. I consider myself a pretty honest person already so the problem is not really so much with honesty as it is with expressing feelings. If someone pisses me off I will confront them in a mature manner (face to face) and tell them my feelings (without being accusative or anything just, "I am feeling angry because this happened"). Then I will enagge in active listening. I will also use my newly learned stress coping skills to calm my mind and body, and problem solve with clear thoughts. I think I've been doing better at this one than I used to, but part of good goal setting is reevaluation and review. My main goal thou is to avoid getting tangled in a mess ro making things worse which brings me back to goal 1.

off on a tangent: Is drama the most appropraite label for conflicts and interpersonal difficulties? Or does it make things worse by suggesting it is somehow a created thing for the purpose of entertainment, giving those involved "permission" to carry it on and make it bigger? Subjectively the use of the label drama might imply that problems are made better or made more entertaining the bigger they are, paralleling the use of drama in the arts and entertainment industries. The more shocking the drama, the more tragic the outcome, or the bigger the rollercoaster the more popular the story. Maybe we subjectively desensitize ourselves, and minimize the REAL effect of conflict on people's mental and physical well being by labelling normal occurances in our lives as drama. Maybe by labelling it in purely factual terms (conflict, difficulty, problem) the situation would be interpreted more realistically and be taken more seriously, instead of exagerated or catastrophized.

Type A?

I'm in school for the spring semester. I heard it was hard. I also heard it was easy. So I took my chances and gambled on medium. But I have since discovered that it is actually pretty hard - not "hard" but alot of work. I'm behind already and at this pace it will take me a full 48 hours or reading and studying to catch up. We have a midterm on thursday - ALREADY! I missed the first day of school due to a Vegas trip so for me, there has only been 3 classes and now I'm being tested. OMG. On my days out of school I am working. In the evening playing soccer and attempting to take time out for social activities that seem to pile up this time of year. On Sunday was my only "true" day off. I had nothing planned except to read a chapter of my book which I accomplished while enjoying the beautiful sunshine. At the end of Sunday I was exhausted! I couldn't figure out why I was so tired since I hadn't done anything all day. Then my mom suggested it was due to an entire weeks worth of business without rest. Maybe she was right. But it won't slow down anytime soon - I'll just have to maximize my time management and efficiency and hope I don't have some kind of mental break down. Just looking forward to the summer!

Friendship Woes

Man. I wish my friends could see how their drama between eachother effects my life. I feel like they don't even consider my feelings... I'm always stuck in the middle, trying to maintain a level head... I don't want to have to worry about the akwardness of hanging out with two people who have decided they don't like eachother due to plans made before this happened. It's not fair to me. I wish they would have just been honest in the first place so I could've made different decisions. It's not my job to mediate a fight that isnt mine. It's not my fight and I don't want anything to do with it. I just want people to put aside their differences for at least one night as a favor to me OR to decide themselves whether or not they want to back out. I shouldn't be put in a position of "taking sides" or being asked without words to "uninvite" people. It makes me feel like people don't appreciate my gesture of inviting them (which makes it slightly easier to take sides if this is only coming from one end) and would rather force their problems on me. Solve your own issues. This is not my problem. As far as I'm concerned everything is fine and dandy and things will go along as planned - but as reality suggests otherwise - please take a step up and either make my denile truth or change the plans on your own.

why the F*** did I do that?

They say the full moon makes people do weird stuff... perhaps I've fallen victim to its effects... or maybe once you "lose innocence" you can't go very long without your body taking over your mind (or something to that effect) and exepriencing the forbidden fruit over and over again. It's sounds more romantic that way. It wasn't. It included zero romance. It was solely for the pleasure of the body and to feed the curiousity that was nothing more than exactly what was expected... not disapointing, just not new. Not... special? In the hours since I've discovered something my heart already knew. My mind just needed evidence to believe it because that's what happens when you're conditioned by science. It was like I made a decision and immediately after another decision (although less crucial) that directly contrasted the first. This proved to me that the later decision was more fulfilling. And so in one way, while I sit here "regretting" doing "that" I also sit here with a new (or maybe renewed) perspective, thinking about how much more satisfying it is to "share life" (through deep converstation, laughter, and experience) than to feed the desires of the body. But I can't undo what has been done, so I must move forward and live and hold on to this new clarity I've found and hope for the best. On another note, my other confusions continue... why do ex's always have to say and do things that make me feel confused again? I guess that's another story.

My side

I’m looking at my reflection
the background doesn’t match
realizing there is another side
Ripples drift across the image
What direction am I looking from?
I see my eyes, your eyes staring at me
Our hands are mirror images
They raise to face each other
But when they touch clarity is lost
All I see now is sky and trees floating
I reach through and close my hand
It is filled with nothing but earth
I can see you but I can’t feel you


I'm still debating the title and the ending lines... any suggestions?

BI-Polar Life

Time for an update! Too soon you thought? Me too. BUT apparently, the last phone call was not really the last one. My sunday was totally random and ended in the weirdest way ever. It started out like usually - belly dance class. Then we went to play basketball with a coworker but didn't end up playing basketball because no one wanted to play with us on the court (slightly disapointing), so instead we drove around the NE looking for a papusa place that ended up being closed when we got there. So we ate at China Rose buffet. Then we went to some billiards place and played pool and did tequila shots (only 2 though) and also drank a shirley temple. My sister and I returned home to meet with her boyfriend who was straving because he waited all day for her and she was starving too because she decided not to eat all day (even at the buffet - wtf, they had icecream!!). Just at that moment when we were discussing what to eat I received a text message. "Sorry for what i said, i'm having a dinner party tonight if you want to come", words any hungry stomache might like to read at a time like this. It was a house warming party so we picked up a tiramisu and made are way over to the new apartment. He had cooked a dinner with the cook book I left there once and had two other guests as well as my sister, her boyfriend, and me to feed. He toured us his new apartment (quite a step up from the old one) and did a show and tell with his motorcycle gear, ending the night by showing us his new motor bike on the way out. Nothing was weird. It was as though the conversation the day before had never happened. Then we left satisfied - me confused - again, and went home to sleep.

The Last Phone Call

Well... it's over. It's really over. Dead. In the words of JT/TI "the old me's dead and gone... dead and gone...." Tonight he asked me the hardest questions. I hate hard questions (who doesn't?). "Do you still have feelings for me?" WTF of course. I wouldn't have gone out with him for almost two years if "feelings" weren't there, however, I have MIXED feelings Some are good and some are bad, and to this point they were almost equal in number, leaving me sitting on the fence. "Am I wasting my time trying to get back with you?" Yes. It is unfair to him to have to wait for my mind to be made up - especially since that seems to be taking forever. Fence sitters have a hard time making up their minds... there are too may sides of the story to consider, and too many what if scenerios to ponder. That was all he needed to hear. He says it's too hard for him to be friends with me still. He has to forget me completely. He deleted me from every form of communication as of this evening... I guess that means it's final then. No more. I was devastated... to me, losing a romantic relationship is not as hard as losing a friend.... I felt he was the one ripping my heart out (I guess I deserved that...). I understand and yet I don't. I have to accept that decision - even though it is only him accepting mine. The truth hurts so much. He said "since you're so busy you'll have no problem forgetting about it"... The sad part is that it's probably true. The sad part is also that it isn't true. I can't forget nor have I ever tried... but business is my excuse for not speaking to alot of people... I guess it just means that much more when you used to rearrange your schedule to fit his and be busy when he was and free when he wasn't. Why did I do that? Why can't I let go of things? Why do I need believe I am good person and a loving friend when evidence points to the contrary? Why can't I just accept that I'm a heartbreaker... a killer of love....? I am not! He just doesn't understand. Why am I the one crying because he doesn't want to ever see me again when he was the one who got broken up with? Why is the bad guy so sad?

A Poetic Bath

I lay back in relaxing bath scented will lavendar epsom salts. The air was also scented with lavendar aromatherapy, and a calming candle stood still at the foot of the tub. I put on some arabic music and closed my eyes, letting my senses take it all in. The hot water washing my skin, the aroma surrounding me with a peaceful feeing, and the rythm and voices of a distant place singing in words I couldn't understand. It was the first moment in a very long time where I felt completely at peace. The only thoughts in my head were of that moment. Then I began to feel my heart beating through-out my body... and that is as far as I got into my moment before I "awoke" and returned to the present. The present - that place stuck between the past and the future... a place with too many thoughts. A place slightly longer than a moment - where you need to be to get there, and that you need to escape at the same time. To bring a moment into the present is to make it part of the past but this is needed in order for it to influence your future. My baths are where I find most of my moments. They are relaxing and healing. My escape from the hassles of daily life, and too rare these days.

Whoo hoo!

I was reading this article today about falling in love and thought it was cute, but also interesting. Maybe it's because I'm trying to figure things out in my life. Using the analogy in the article, I feel like I'm being pulled off the ground but I've tied myself down worrying about the dangers of "flying". Or maybe I already was flying but just crashed and in response had to tie myself dwon for fear of crashing again. If you don't fly, you can't fall... which leaves me to wonder, can I only go so far before the same thing happens again or should I cut the rope? Maybe my problem, is that I look to other people as examples... at one time I was sure that something terrible was going to happen so to cope I ran away... it happened to a friend, why would it be different for me? Now I realize - duh, because I am not my friend - I am me. I partially realized this when the story (with minor detail changes - possibly worse!) repreated itself to another friend at work. She cried for days, she was devastated... he begged for forgiveness, and for something I would have deemed unforgivable in the context, she took him back - not fully - but with that goal in mind. So far it seems they've been happily working on things for a while now - it's almost as though they couldn't help but to be together. Maybe I'm too influenced by the examples and stories that go on around me... however I do feel that there must be a message in them... he didn't do that terrible thing (or even anything close to what happened to friend #2 or #1), so perhaps friend #1's destiny was not the road I should have followed... Why am I following roads? There are no roads when you're flying.

CONFUSION

Tannis is confused. So today was a weird day. Here's the background story: My ex-boyfriend and I share the same birthday (not really, his is the day before...) so since we are still friends we decided to go out an celebrate today. The original plan was to go to the science center, but I get off at school at 3 and it closes at 4 so those plans fell through. Instead we went bowling, then to the Taj Mahal restaraunt, and then watched a movie called "Miracle at St. Anne's"(or something along those lines). First confusion moment happened as soon as I got in the car (he picked me up at school). He gave me a box of chocolates and a nice card with kittens on it that had a poem he wrote on the inside (more background: he's not the type to write a poem or even seem to have romantic thoughts at all... pretty much a man's man to the max). Then at the end of the night as he was driving me home, he told me he had a letter for me and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. I read it and it was pretty good actually - I was impressed - it was basically an apology/love letter.... another out of character thing for him to do. I realize he's been pretty heart broken - but's it's been almost four months now... another weird thing is that all of a sudden he starts playing soccer (he joined a team, I had suggested it for so long), then he goes to the mosque (a long time ago, I also suggested he do that to have some reflection/spiritual time). I feel like he's actually trying to change... something I didn't think was fair to request, however he told me himself on one occassion, "you told me it was unfair of you to ask me to change, but you weren't asking me to change my personality, you were asking me to change for the better." Anyways, if you've read my previous entries you'd knwo why I am now in a state of confusion... on one hand I have a hard time believing this is true... what if things go back the way they were before?? On the other... it seems like he's doing "that thing", that unrealistic, that could never happen thing, the only thing that would make me go back. what if?? Everynow and then I catch my mind referring to him as my baby... but I always thought that these type of feelings were natural... that everyone goes through a period of missing at some point... on the other hand I never felt that way in any other relationship. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?

CLOCKS & Refs

I had a dream last night that was really weird and saturated with strong emotions. The first part I just remembered as I was eating my lunch at school, realizing I forgot my cell phone and therefore am without my "watch". Why aren't there any clocks anywhere!? It should be mandatory that a visible clock is placed in every room or major section of a very large room/corridor. Why do I feel the need to always know the time? Anyways, here's a snippet of my dream last night:I was called into work at my old job. It was after supper (in the dream) and I had to open the gym (which doesn't make sense because it is open at 5am until 11pm, apparently they were short staffed). Anyways, one thing I noticed was that all the clocks in the place were wrong! I had no idea what time it was and could only make an educated guess... it must be around 9 or 10 because I already had supper and did a few other things and that was around 7. Every clock was displaying a random time, and to make matters worse people were coming in to exercise but acting as though it was much earlier. I became very frustrated and started forcefully asking all my coworkers what time it was. Does anyone know the time? Why are all the clocks wrong? Can someone fix these clocks please!!? Among other annoyances in the dream (such as interaction with random made-up coworker who I apaprently had mutual feelings if dislike, and other former coworkers who were disapointed I had returned), the clock thing was pretty frustrating.I woke up frustrated by the dream that occurred after that. I was playing soccer and a girl wrapped her legs around my ankles (while she was on the ground from falling) so I couldn't move. The ref called it against me, and I was so angry I started arguing with him. How could this be my fault when she's the one wrapped around my legs?? He explained something about how that team wasn't as well off (as wheel barrows as a travelling method did suggest). The rest of my team started confronting me and getting angry that I "gave that girl a look" and that's why the ref called me. I was so angry! It wasn't fair! Since when does "a look" count as a penalty especially when that person is commiting a huge obvious foul themselves. Anyways, the girl continues to try and get away with things and the ref seemed illusioned as she talked babyish to him. My dream person then had a weird thought that made me uncomfortable. I thought "if I had the face of an angel (referring to the girl), maybe the ref would see my side." The game continued but I woke up feeling frustrated and angry. I wonder what these dreams mean...

Drift Wood

Somtimes I get in a creative mood. Sometimes I don't for a long time. Foruntately this is a good day and not a sucky one so here's a poem. On of the very few "happy" poems I've written, especially recently.

I’m a prisoner of memories
Of cereal, cookies, and strawberries
Simple things you see, like cake
I like to eat it but I don’t bake
It don’t take much to satisfy me
I’m not shallow but I aint deep,
just enough you can’t touch your feet
you’re breathing just a little harder now
your heart’s speeding just a little faster now
your eyes are searching frantically
calm down, relax, cause it’s just me
Lighten up like buoyancy
I keep you floating, keep you joking
If you keep breathing you’ll stop choking
And your words will just start flowing
Like a sea. Then you’ll feel like it’s me.
My style’s care-free.
Relax. I drift like wood on a beach.

My sister rapped it. That sounded pretty "ill" <-- notice the lingo. haha

Just sad

I feel sad. Basically that's it. I feel guilt and sad and hurt. It's not fair. It's not fair for someone to mistreat you until you break and then try and fix it, is it? I don't know what I want. I'm just confused and sad. I miss him but I don't. It doesn't make sense... I just want to sleep. Maybe somehow it will all be over when I wake up.

Clinging

Fuck. I'm so pissed off. Oh yeah, Happy New Years btw. I don't understand... why do people not realize that the more they attempt to make you angry the more angrier you will become and the farther away from their ultimate goal they will get. I'm so bad at hurting people... it's like a slow painful death when it should be as quick as a guillotine. It's because I'm never sure of my own feelings. I'm caught between the grey area of a clean breakup and a fight between good friends. At least that's how it started. Now I've been pissed off yet again and am starting to see where I'm standing. It's like I've been wondering through fog looking for a distinct line and now I see one emerging... coming into focus. Maybe it's more like bad doctoring. Like keeping someone on life support in hopes that they may suddenly jump up in full swing ready to salsa dance the night away with only happiness and love in their heart. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this one... and watch it fizzle away... it's always sad to lose someone but not as much as watching them suffer. I suppose I could blame it on my moral upbringing - pulling the plug is just as good as putting a bullet to their brain... I'm not one to go down without a fight, even in the most seemingly hopeless situation, and maybe this is the ONLY situation when it's ok to give up... just maybe.<