Boxing Week Conflicts

Have I ever mentioned that Walmart makes me physically ill? I think I have some kind of hang up about consumerism... I feel guilty for buying things but the consumer inside me is begging to go boxing week shopping.

Usually I don't shop very often simply because the styles I like are either too expensive or not "in style" during the year. Except this last fall. So many nice clothes! Finally! The colours and styles I like and now many of them are 50% off during boxing week.

However, I'm starting to think the higher power is trying to make me choose the greater good over my own vanity. Why do these amazing deals on awesome clothes come at a time when my credit card bill is repulsively high (from Christmas shopping) and when my moral compass is directing me away from the rampant consumerism our society is experiencing?

I figured cleaning out my closet would make me feel better... I'm not sure if it has worked or not.

Tonight I'm cleaning out my closet...

Prior to Christmas I spent a few hours one day watching the first season of Hoarders. I am now fully motivated to organize my room... however I've run into a few problems.

First off is... I'm not a hoarder - and so I have an average amount of stuff and clothes, most of which gets used on a regular basis. This makes it hard to "clean things out". I've managed to fill up one box of stuff to donate.

Second, despite my problem of not having a huge problem like hoarding, I still feel like a hoarder. I look in my closet and feel disgusted. Why do I have so many clothes? Logically I consider that I live in a climate with four distinct seasons which makes it slightly more necessary to have a store of weather appropriate clothing such as shorts for summer and sweaters for fall and/or winter... I can't just get rid of all of it because that would be committing to either a financially unstable future or a physically uncomfortable one.

Thirdly, I am about to enter "the real world" of 9 - 5 working, thus I must have appropriate work attire. So far I have one pair of dress pants (my other pair was a casualty of the dryer and my lack of attention to tag instructions like "dry clean only") and a few decent tops. Most of my clothes are casual... I would like to buy new work clothes but then that would be adding to problem number two.

I've come to the conclusion that my best bet is to wait until I actually start working then slowly replace casual clothes with work clothes... and maybe maintain about a third of my current casual clothes...Why do I feel guilty for having "stuff"? I want to get rid of it all and just start over but obviously that's just silly.

On the flip side of the coin... it doesn't happen very often that my favourite styles of clothing are on sale during boxing week... See next blog for details.

Dear Me.

Dear future self,

Upon reflection of recent past blogs I have come to this conclusion which is important for you to remember if you want to remain sane.

Remember that a healthy relationship is one in which your boyfriend can have a female room mate and you have no fear that anything will happen to threaten your relationship. But how will you know? you might ask. You won't. BUT this is not a reason to be alarmed. This is the knowledge that sets you free. Let go of fear. Trust is a choice. Trust is the knowledge that you can not control others, however you can continue to believe in their reliability and empathy toward your feelings. What YOU CAN control is most important. YOUR love for your boyfriend is what matters most, and to lose trust is to lose YOUR love (regardless of the situation you have no control over where he chooses to distribute his love). The universe accepts love and returns to you abundance. If you withdraw your love you withdraw your chance at a happy relationship. Remember that poster on the wall in grade 8? "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take". True. Love you don't give is love never received and thus never returned. Trust in the universe. Trust in yourself. You are a great person whom good things will happen to. Although unfortunate circumstances happen in life, they are for learning, and to which the good things can be compared and therefore considered better. So remember when you begin to feel angry or down: you hold the key. give your love. choose to trust. and last (and most practical) blog about your feelings because it definitely helps (lol). I feel so much better now. I will now bold the most important words.

So here is my attempt at beggining journaling including thoughts that I usually try and refrain from writing about. Apparently to actually get the benefits of journaling you can't censor your thoughts - good or bad - because the whole point is to figure out how to deal with them better.

First off, I will start by writing that I generally try not to blog about negative feelings because for some reason I feel like I'm going to jinx myself and make them become more real.

Seondly, I need to express the feeling of feeling guilty for having the feeling of needing to express feelings... wow. Anyways, I feel guilty for having non-positive thoughts about my life because they seem silly, like a big WIM story, like I'm taking things for granted. None the less, they still occurr and maybe this is an appropriate way of dealing with them.

On Saturday I went out with my friends but afterward on the way home I started to feel very angry. A familiar feeling of being hurt (before it happens) occurred and I traced it's origins back to my boyfriend telling me that his new room mates whom he previously thought were a couple were actually not. He told me this several times and I had this poking in my brain start... what if he's telling me this because he's trying to get me jealous by suggesting that the girl is single? Also, he said he had met them but he had only told me what the guy looks like... in my past experience, men have had this strange tendency to place immediate judgement on girls they meet and are not attracted to but when they didn't it translated as some kind of general attraction... or maybe that is just the pattern of untrustworthy males of the past... I knew my feelings were just old scars getting poked by a new but all too familiar situation (new female with too much unsuperised access to my man!). I knew I was acting crazy. It was almost like I couldn't control it though... my throat started to close, I could feel tears tensing behind my eyes and my stomache get queazy. My boyfriend called me and asked if I was coming over and I was like a demon speaking from my body "if you want me too. maybe you'd rather hang out with your room mate." I was met with "why are you turning all bitchy" with which I tried to correct the situation by suggesting I was angry from the boredom of my night out. I tried to hide the sharpness of my voice. On the way to his house my mind was racing. A fight between emotion and logical thinking ensued and I was almost brought to tears a few times. I felt like I was going crazy. I kept thinking I should see a counsellor. Why do I feel this way? Hastely answered by a recount of all the things he had said and their possible secret meanings... the potential for something to happen. When I got to his house I couldn't hold my tongue. I told him my feelings and why I felt that way.... at first I was met with anger, "well maybe you should just leave then. If I had known you would be all crazy...." (I don't remember how that sentence ended). I tried so hard not to cry. I apologized and said I felt like a crazy woman had come out of me from somewhere. The discussion was short lived and seemed to be resolved after some discussion about how his room mate was much older than him and overweight and thus I had nothing to worry about. I felt better - and worse at the same time. Now... the jealousy problem seems easier to work on, but it's been replaced by the fear that he will never trust me again... thinking that I don't trust him (I do trust him... I was temporarily overwhelmed by a swell of primal emotion). I feel like I have to forever hold my tongue and neer suggest I am jealous ever again or he will be so angry and leave me.

The end result is somewhat of a depression I have fell into. I feel sad and afraid - and for no apprent reason. For things I have thought up that don't exist.... Why have I done this? What is wrong with me? My logic brain keeps trying to find a solution... research has told me that my jealousy is evidence of insecurities.... and maybe its true. But if good people I know and beautiful celebrities get cheated on what makes me so sure it won't happen to me? I'm trying to find a way to feel better...

Bzzz beep bzz shhsss An error has occurred.

This is the sound of my brain right now as it reaches maximum information consumption. I'm in the home stretch of school - finally. Today was the last exercise physiology lab, possibly the most time consuming lab reports I have ever done... they constantly pushed me to my limit (mostly of focus) and I felt very frustrated by the end, especially knowing another one would need to be started in the next three hours. I literally felt like I was doing some kind of lab marathon... ironically most of the information was about metabolism related to sports performance (thus the reference to "maximum information consumption" earlier). I've decided to compare how my brain feels to exercise physiology. So I pushed really hard in the last few days to complete big lab assignment. I was pushed to work above thinking threshold 2 where rate of mental work (fatigue) is equal to rate of recovery. This caused me to accumulate fatigue (probably explaining why I am writing this blog and drinking a huge hot chocolate right now) since recovery rate was less than mental work. This is okay once in awhile because it's like training for speed or doing interval training - push really hard and improve rate of mental work to time available. However, the greater mental work capacity you have, the higher the workload before you reach thinking threshold 2. Work capacity is influenced by your coping abilities (stress reduction strategies, time management, etc.). A mental marathon requires this base to put forth the best work in the shortest amount of time. But coping strategies can only be practiced if 70% of training is below thinking threshold 2 or even below thinking threshold 1 (where recovery time exceeds mental work - aka relaxation). If a person was to be chronically exposed to interval training they would burn out. Their capacity to endure the mental marathon would be reduced. This my friends, is why you shouldn't procrastinate.

Another healing followed by a very crazy day.

Last night we went to another healing session. I enjoy the meditative atmosphere.. It's very relaxing and that is just what I need. After today I may need it more!


This morning I had an interview at a physio clinic for an assistant position. I got the job immediately however they may not be able to "afford" me. Apparently I'm over qualified and the pay is actually intended for students. They said it was up to me if I'd be willing to take a pay cut. The pay cut is a lot more than I'm willing to take, unfortunately. It's time to start living independently which costs moola... and less than what I make at my current part time job just won't do the trick. Now I have to figure out how to respectfully decline.

Now here is the story of my crazy day: woke up early thinking I would have to drive for an hour in traffic to get to the interview on time. It only took me 20 minutes and so I was an hour and fifteen minutes early... I decided to fix my radio which was messed up from the death of my car battery yesterday. Once I finished that I realized it was getting a bit chilly in the car so I decided I'd driver around a bit while I wait... BUT my car wouldn't start. The battery was dead again. Luckily I was already at the interview place. So I just played brick breaker on my phone for half an hour,

After the interview I walked over to Good Earth cafe while I waited for my parent's to save me. The computer was down and there was only one staff member. Consequentially, although I was only second in line, I waited for 15 minutes to get a candy cane hot chocolate which ended up being a candy cane chocolate mocha thing. I really don't like coffee flavour but I decided to suck it up instead of taking it back because the poor woman was so flustered already and the line up was building. Finally my parent's arrived and I was saved by their boosting power.

I stopped on the way home at a seniors home which was advertising a job about a week ago to ask if it had been filled yet. The receptionist didn't know and couldn't get a hold of anyone. I told her I'd call later but she "forcefully" insisted I fill out an application and give her my resume (which I happen to have on me since I had just come from an interview). I rushed that application and I'm pretty sure I won't get that job entirely because my application sucked so bad. On top of that the resume was crinkled from being at the bottom of my purse. That's okay though because that job was not my first choice anyhow.

The rest of the day consisted of studying at school for a lab exam in the evening (Sadly, I missed my soccer game). I had good intentions to study today but I found it very difficult to focus... job searching seems to be my biggest distraction lately. The exam went alright but I didn't study the literature enough... At least it's done now. Only one more lab write up to go until finals and eventually freedom.

BTW. The shaman who did my energy healing last night told me I should start journaling. Does blogging count? This is suppose to help me identify what triggers my emotions which seem to be on a rollercoaster lately (most between two extremes of anxiety: stress and excitement). I love healing sessions!! Free counseling.

Fairy Realm

On Saturday my boyfriend and I went to my Aunt's graduation from her energy healing class. She is now a certified energy healer! I've been to one of their classes before with some interesting results afterward. This is what happened this time:

I had only three ladies around me this time (last time I had 4 people, 3 women and a man). I closed me eyes and tried to relax on the table. I was feeling a lot of anxiety this time, and was having trouble getting my mind to relax at first. Once I did I started thinking about the rabbits I saw and thought about last time. I found myself looking out from under a tree in some park, as though I was a rabbit (from his point of view). I was watching a lady walk a small white dog. Then I went up the tree past a crow squawking and ended up back at the community center - sitting on the roof looking down onto the parking lot. I'm not sure if this was a series of random thought or if I was controlling it... anyways, it was time to open my eyes and hear what the ladies had to say.

The first one told me I was an old woman from biblical times in a past life. I suffered from leprosy and was outcast from society. The feeling of being outcast and unworthy was carried with me through all of my past lives (even one where I was a princess) until this day. It was still in me. She told me she had taken it out though.... I don't feel any different but I suppose I will begin making a concerted effort to be more positive toward myself as this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my interactions -" you need to be more confident, you have so much potential, believe in yourself, don't be so down on yourself", non of which I actually feel but apparently this is obvious to others.

The second lady expanded from the first and said she visualized me in a meadow with rays of sunshine shining down on me but I was not absorbing them, indicating to her that I needed to accept love into my heart and open my heart. She said there was a lack of energy in my heart chakra. Then she said that she felt I had digestive problems (haha, how did she know? did I accidentally fart? Pretty sure I didn't). She said this was because I was being too hard on myself and trying to be perfect which was not possible. I was trying to please everyone. Could this be some residual energy from my overworked summer - trying to please all my clients, two employers, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends? Stretching myself thin and feeling worn out? It happened recently, but since I quit that job I've felt much better and have made more effort to assert time to myself.

The third lady had an elegant British accent. I think it made her reading seem somewhat mystical (aside from the actual content she said). She had been positioned near my head (this is important fact for later comparison). She told me that she had received the feeling that I was not "human". That my spirit was not a human one but from another dimension. I had shown a fairy realm where things sparkled and generally looked pretty fairy like as I did. She told me I was trying too hard to be human as I had in my past lives as well and that I needed to accept my energy as what it was and embrace it. I needed to dance and be creative and bring my fairy energy into life because being human isn't all its cracked up to be. The lady then told me not to be disappointed that any partner I would ever meet would not be able to keep up with my energy because it was simply not of their world....

My Dad's immediate interpretation of this is that she's probably nuts. I thought it was definitely the most interesting reading! What was more interesting is that in my prior reading (during the summer), the man who had been near my head had began to cry (which apparently is unlike him) and told me he I had shown him my true self and it was so beautiful - he saw me transform into a butterfly. Interesting.... butterflies and fairies have many things in common....
What is my practical interpretation of this? Well, I have now been inspired to be a fairy for Halloween! Fun with makeup :-) (a more scary/mystical looking one vs. the stereptyped girly tinkerbell look).

The only theme I can really draw from these readings is that I need to work on self love more often and possible embark on a creative endeavor. They also told me to continue my spiritual practice, which I obviously intend to do.

Low self esteem days busted by... guilt?

Sometimes, as everyone has, I have a low self esteem day. Usually they come about out of thoughts of inadequacy for some reason - my two most common are "not pretty enough" (fairly common I think) or "came from a boring culture" (this probably arises from having a very eclectic group of friends, all who have some kind of background they can share - I represent the just Canadian, whatever that means). One way I've discovered to bust out of these spiralling downward type of thoughts is to think of my parents and then feel guilty... motivating me to think positively and thus allowing me to forget my grievances and be thankful for what I have. To deny my own beauty is to say to my my mom "mom your genetics are ugly!" which is obviously not the case. I come from a long line of good looking! To think I am from a boring culture is to tell my dad I am ungrateful for everything he's taught me and the experiences my family has had together. My parents are definitely not ugly, so how could any combination of them come out that way? Everyone is unique and I am no exception. I represent a combination of two different people's DNA, a miracle that it could happen at all. I grew up and had my own experiences just as my friend's did. My parents and family taught me what they know and what they've learned through their lives as Canadians. In conclusion, when I notice myself falling into a low self esteem cycle I think of my family and how they would feel if they knew I had those thoughts. It's like a kick in the butt - or a voice telling me to stop being so ungrateful and think of how thankful I am for my parents and how much I love them.

This thought has further intrigued me to wonder what the results of a study on the differences in self esteem in individualistic cultures and collectivist cultures are... a small amount of research in this area revealed that it seems as though collectivist cultures are more likely to avoid "self - enhancement" behaviours while individualistic cultures score higher in this area... hmmm is this blog evidence I come from a individualistic culture? Here a link to a text regarding cultural effect on personality, etc. HERE

Meant to SEA

A book I was reading about becoming psychic (hey, who doesn't want psychic powers? come on people) told me that in order to improve my intuition I should record moments in life where a divine hand seemed to be at work. This is the story of how I came to have Great Big Sea tickets for this October.

It all started a few weeks ago when I heard the song "When I'm up" on the radio. I had forgotten about Great Big Sea, seeing as they haven't produced many hits since I was about thirteen, but none the less was happy to hear an old song. Being on a "positive thinking" kick for quite some time now combined with a yearning to re-visit the east coast, the song rekindled some happy feelings and I decided to remember a few more of their songs, like Ordinary Day and Consequence Free. Oh how happy. So I downloaded them to my ipod, and before long decided I should search ticket master in the event that they might be touring... what are the chances? Pretty good actually - like 100%. There next concert is October 27th in Calgary. To my dismay, they were sold out. So I looked on eBay for some scalper tickets at a reasonable price but could only find some that were a bit too much for me to justify it. So sadly I decided it must not have been meant to be. This was about a few weeks ago.

A few days ago I was looking for a specific email and found it in my junk mail. I clicked the "move to inbox" option and my screen reloaded to the next junk email - opening a giant picture of Great Big Sea with huge letters reading "Presale tickets" and a password. I was confused and read further. It seems they made another concert on October 28th. The pre sale happened September 8th at 10am. WTF. Awesome. So I went on the computer at 9:55am yesterday morning and bought some Great Big Sea tickets. Thank God the next email in my junk folder happened to be that one or I never would have known of a second concert date, much less received the password for presale tickets and the date to buy tickets. Holy smokes, lucky me. It seems as though some higher power approves of me seeking out positive music. :-)

Soul - Mates (in the australian way)

Ever meet people that you swear you must have known in another life? (assuming you can believe in reincarnation). Maybe you were friends when you were both cowboys in the frontier or something... or two dinosaurs flocking away from a T-rex together. You must hav been through an adventure together of some sort. Your spirit remembers them but your present body and mind does not. There's just a vaue feeling of familiarity, maybe an instant connection - easy conversation, a feeling of knowing and "caring" without really knowing too well.

I sometimes come across this feeling in my job. A co-worker or client I instantly connect with. For some reason it's usually someone older than myself. The reality of the present time is that we were born decades apart... we come from very different backgrounds and it would be unlikely we would ever meet or ever talk except for the circumstances. Somehow I have a sense or feeling of knowing them. Perhaps our souls are drawn to the same places somehow (like that movie with Will Smith - I am Legend). Or maybe we've had so many lives before it's impossible not to run into a soul-mate... Another theory is goes back to the one universe idea... we are all connected and at some deeper level are all one and the same unconditional love, God, energy, etc. It's a mystery.

In any case, shoutz out to all my soul-mates.

Heart Strings

Ever since I went to Nova Scotia in February, I've had this little yearning in my heart to go back. I have a few friends who live there and each time I look at their pictures I feel a little tug. Halifax is such a nice place. I feel like there was so much to explore there and so many little adventures I didn't have time to go on. I just really enjoyed the culture there, the ocean, the ships, and the people are so nice (man, they know how to party!).

Even though I went in the winter when everything was closed I still liked it. Farewell Nova Scotia! If only airline tickets were cheaper to travel there. I can go somewhere tropical,or spend a whole week in Vegas for less...

The Saskatoon Berry Farm

"Your berries are delicious but you're a fucking tool" - Dan to the guy with a Saskatchewan licence plate driving terribly.

This week was the longest week of my life. I lay in wait for my upcoming, well deserved vacation. And by "lay" I mean I worked my ass off, did a million errands, responded to tonnes of emails and planned more for my upcoming fun time. Every second seemed to take 3 hours to go by. On top of this my family is on vacation already and left me to take care of our spoiled brat pets... I didn't get more than an hour of sleep cumulatively any night this week. Only a few more days. Only a few more days. Staying in the moment is my challenge this week.

Today that challenge was a lot easier. We went to the Saskatoon berry farm near Okotoks and indulged in a relaxing afternoon picking berries and eating ice cream. The weather was beautiful, and the hype was built up by a series of events earlier this week. 1) I found some Saskatoon berries growing in the forest near my house while walking the dog - delicious. 2) the Saskatoon berries in my backyard finally became ripe two days after the fore mentioned event. It was fun. It was different. I heard about the farm from one of my client's at work (she's a senior citizen - they know all the good old fashioned down home fun places. So if you have a hankering for a good date place chat up a senior) a few eeks ago and have had berries on the brain since. Last night my grandma took us out to Grey eagle Casino for the buffet. Yet another day of indulgence. Even though I've literally only had about 24 hours of free time (cumulative)since yesterday I feel like I've finally had a bit of vacation (not including the pedicure and massage I got last week *sigh* but seriously).

Updated thought and poems

Actually I decided that tumblr is more like a hybrid between twitter and blogspot... yes.

I also wrote a few new poems now on the poems page.

Been considering getting back into art stuff - problem is school starts again and won't have time again. I did design myself a tattoo that I plan to get soon (awesome....!) so as for creative endeavors that's the most I've done so far. Been inspired by boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's website who is a graphic artist to rekindle the art flame in myself... only a few more months and then I'll graduate and be free ... free to work a decent job and have a hobbie. Working out is going well though. Actually managed to work out all 5 days of the week last week - didn't feel it made too much a of difference though - maybe 3 to 4 is a better amount.

AXON

I just opened up a tumblr account. Once again, I discovered something on one of my facebook explorations... a friend's tumblr account... I honestly had never heard of this before until today, so since her's looked nice I decided to copy and make one of my own. I suppose you could say it's some kind fo hybrid between twitter and honesty box... anyways, here's the link: http://bobisme49.tumblr.com/

check it out mhen.

Finding out too late, too soon.

The other day I had a very strange experience. Surreal. Not in a good way. It started as one of those nights where I decided my brain needed a break from real life to take a gander through my friend's facebook pages. Perhaps I was bored... or perhaps I was trying to feed some kind of subconscious hunger for gossip. In any case, I found something.
I was snooping on one of my old pal's profile who doesn't update very much. I noticed a status that read "Loren you will be missed... RIP". It caught my attention because we have a mutual friend named Loren. I felt my breath instantly become shallower as I started to type Loren's name into the search bar. I clicked on his thumbnail profile pic and was brought to his familiar page. At this point I was still thinking that it might be a joke. The first thing I noticed was that his fiance had been the only person posting on his wall for the entire visible part. Each one of her posts was a little summary of her day and some thoughts, followed by I love you. I scrolled down and down and down, reading older and older posts. Most were hers, one or two were written in an Asian language from others, and there was also one that was A quote from the bible. It all seemed to match... perhaps he really had past away.
I checked back on my other friends page as to when it was posted, finding out that it was the end of March. I scrolled down to the march postings on Loren's page... the last post he made March 18th... the first post indicating that anything was wrong was his cousin's post - something about he will be dearly missed - March 23. What happened?! I was in utter shock... how had this happened? and how did I not find out until now?
I had commented on his wall about how cute the picture of him and his fiance was on March 11th. Both him and her had liked it. When he first met her he sent me emails telling me about how he thought he had found "the one". He described their first date - it was so romantic - cheesy... but in a good way. I met him when I was 18. He came to visit my friends in lethbridge who had met him in Alaska when they lived their for a few years. We hit it off instantly and kept in touch via email and phone a few times, and facebook. He was such a nice guy with a great sense of humour. I always felt he was a "soul friend" ( I use this term to describe friends that don't have to see each other often or even know each other well but it's as though they know each other on a deeper level - like their spirits know each other or something...). Loren was one of those people I cared about without ever being close (we live in different countries) or even talking much - it was just "known".
Such a vacant feeling... I knew it was real but kept thinking "how could this be?" He wasn't ready (clearly God felt differently). I've been trying to get a hold of our mutual friends but after several years and busy lives we've drifted apart - plus they don't use facebook that much anymore.... to no avail - I still don't know how it happened.

In conclusion, I suppose I've taken away from this experience a knew appreciation for the fragility and dynamic quality of life. "The only constant in the world is change". I've also come to feel very thankful for having had the chance to know Loren and the better part of his personality. His life was like a tragic chick flick... something like the notebook I guess. A real life story illustrating the power and importance of love. I shed a few tears thinking about the power of his short life, and how it seems as though his death was like the period at the end of a very meaningful story.

Low Maintenance Blues

I feel like I look pretty homely lately. The problem is that I don't have time to put makeup on, do my hair nice (or at all), and I work a lot so my wardrobe is mainly comfy pants and tshirts. I was looking up low maintenance makeup routines on google only to find that other people's version of low maintenance is my version of getting dressed up. Putting on foundation AND concealer AND blush?! And that's not even including the eye shadow and lip gloss. THAT'S low maintenance?! In my opinion, putting on foundation and concealer and blush is the beginning of high maintenance because it takes more than 5 minutes to do. They might say it takes only 5 minutes but that's a lie. Have you ever tried the so called "low maintenance" makeup routine? It takes me at least half an hour to do. Five more minutes and I might as well be getting ready for a glamorous party of some sort (not including the hair). Isn't there something I can do that takes 15 minutes or less and doesn't require any kind of overly expensive products? Is that too much to ask? Do I have to convert myself into some kind of prissy girl in order to look decent? Why can't people just think I look good the way I am?

And another rant... Why can't anyone seem to accept my natural hair colour? I'm trying to save money people. It costs almost 200$ to get a nice hair cut and colour these days and I simply can't afford that. I'd rather do other fun expensive things, but I keep getting questions asked of me like "when will you get highlights again? You look really good with blonde hair," and similar things. The real question is do I look that bad with my natural light brown hair colour? Is there something wrong with me or everyone else because they care that much about if I look dolled up or not? WTF. Maybe I should just sleep and rott in bed and then I'll only ever have to wear pajamas.

Thank you community natural foods for allowing me to be low maintenance. And F U as well because now that I am, no body likes me so I think I'll go and eat worms. :-P

Perfection is an arbitrary reference set as a standard to which all else compared to it is considered imperfect. Who decides what it is and why do we strive for "it"?

Stairs, Geese, and Blogging

I'm a bit pissed off that either this program or this computer won't let me copy and paste between my blogs. wtf. Anyways, I've been blogging more on PT blog just because it's mostly been related to exercise and that kind of stuff.

Today's was about my stair work out with a friend and how I need to start running again because I don't like to be behind when working out with people hahaha, competitive? a bit i guess.

The other part was about how I noticed myself greeting the animals in prince's island park and in some cases smiling and nodding at them as if they were people. Most of them looked back at me and one goose I swear nodded back. I think he undestood. Prince's Island Park is so nice in the morning and there is so much wildlife.

WORK WORK WORK

So I've been working alot lately, as you might guess from the title. I've also discovered that being a personal trainer is way more work than I ever expected - so as not to bore you, or mix personal life and business, I made another blog dedicated to stuff about personal training: PTblog1.blogspot.com. It's not editted yet or made to look nice yet, it may not even fly, I just need to get the idea that having one might be a good idea off my brain by acually making one. Most likely alot of the stuff from this blog will also appear there is it overlaps (such as this one).

In other news, I went to body worlds which was pretty sweet. It was a good refresher on anatomy and very interested. My BF came too and was pleasantly surprised to find that dead bodies are not as gross as one might imagine - in fact they're fascinating. Highly recommend going to that.

Head Filled with Fitness

Nothing much interesting has happened in my life in the last little bit other than the new job. I suppose I am thankful for this. I started training my first client on Friday, so we've had two sessions so far. I'm not sure if things are too easy or too hard. The first session they were too easy I think... maybe today I made it too hard. We'll see.

Skull Pressure

Update! I am now a personal trainer. I got the job and have started shadowing other trainers and learning the tricks of the trade. SO much to know! If you ever want to feel like your education is insufficient and that you really know nothing in the grand scheme of things, try working with the public and designing individualized programs that will help this or that ailment. Maybe you've had that experience before so you can relate. I've started even a bit earlier than I expected... to add to the overwhelming nature of learning a new job, I am doing this during final exams... and while I study for the Pt exam itself... and while I still have my other job. Whoa! I have never wanted to go into that weird labrinth thing at the university so badly just to walk in circle and do nothing. Even my new job has homework - look up exercises! write a bio for yourself! practice interviews on family! It's fun, but overwhelming. I feel like my brain is going to explode!

No Turning Back

I did it. There's no turning back now. The send button was clicked.... the email was sent into cyberspace and the recipient will soon open it and read my beautifully written coverletter... and judge my resume. Something told me I could do it. Something let me know that I couldn't let the past interfere with my goals. I wanted to be a personal trainer. For days I was researching positions and contemplating how I might get to this point and suddenly an opportunity was handed to me - literally placed in my hand on a peice of paper with a lady's name and email and the words "looking for personal trainers". I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I worried about things but I know I can deal with any challenge that comes my way - even "that". My sign also told me that I need to focus on my goal and ignore any "distractions" or "inconveniences" that come along with it. I still have a knot in my stomache and I'm sure it will take awhile to dissipate but in the big picture I feel I am on the right track. Perhaps it was a test... I have to move forward and let go of past grievences.

Infiltration

Here's the dilemma. I pretty much got offered a job (from a lady I worked with at my old job) to work at a gym as a PT. It's like a job just fell out of the sky! Crazy! But... there's a catch... It seems a bit ironic. This gym happens to be the same one that an ex-friend goes to. Imagine the awkwardness of working there and potentially running into her.... In some ways I feel that if I don't take this job because of that reason, I am throwing a way a gift - every rose has its thorn right? BUT I know that me living my life ... dipping my foot in the pond, simply being somehow associated with that person, could cause a wave in one form another... It's like I can't get away from it... it keeps coming back. It seems too much of a coincidence in life for this dilemma to take place. What should I do? If I don't take the job I'm letting the pettiness of the situation control my life - literally (job choices? really?) and if I do.... that's the mystery. At this point I'm leaning toward taking the job and not letting the fitness facility choices of people I'm on bad terms with deter me from a potentially great job experience... it's in the back of mind though - maybe I'm just worrying.

Peripherals.

I had a heart to heart with a friend related to my previous blog. Both of us are in a similar situation, but our life goals put a different spin on it. She started by saying that she was happy to know that no matter what when she graduated she would have a job - even if it was just a personal trainer. I said I felt the exact opposite - how will I make money when the only jobs available are minimum wage? We determined this difference in perspective was do to my plan to move out and live independently... hopefully soon, while she was in no rush to give up the luxury of living at home. Then we started wondering what our careers will be. Did we study the right thing? What are we doing here now, only a few courses away from graduation...? I told her about how the pedorthist program was changed and now much less appealing, and how my family had questioned why (and if) I was even interested in that field. They seem "disappointed", like I haven't met their expectations, while my sister pursuing business is on a "true" path to success as a cunning business lady with a million options non of which come with a small pay cheque. We continued on about our perspectives on success, and being people of many interests, our confusion and consideration of other fields. She suggested I might like architecture and I confessed I had this idea before - and a bit of a dream to design buildings that promoted physical activity among cooperate people... it's an idea. It as good we had this discussion because I suppose I feel more free to consider other options and not force myself to pursue excellence in health care without further education (is that even possible?).

We also stepped back and looked at the big picture - that one where time isn't always running out - maybe enjoy the moment. Look back on the past and realize how far you've made it already because some people never get here. Lots of people forget the good things they've done and measure success by the number of failures they've had compared to a perfect zero - instead of the number of successes they've had. Then I had another conflicting thought about how spirituality might hinder success and make you strive less... and then I realize that that depends on your definition of success... am I caught in the money = success ideology? It's a tough world to live in when success is measured by how big your house is, how nice your car is, and if all your kids went to post secondary... what about being happy? Oh the confusion. What if I did decided to be a personal trainer for the rest of my life because I liked it? Would my family avoid telling their friends about the fate of their daughter? would they wonder where they went wrong? How come?

Anyways, on a separate note: I noticed that last night my fan was on. But I couldn't see it in the dark when i looked directly at it. I could only see it from my peripheral vision - probably because it was movement - changes in light and dark - and my periphery has more rods than cones to perceive that condition. the center of my retina has more cones - colour sensitive that require more light to work - which is why looking directly at the dark fan in the dark made it hard to see. A scientific explanation for something I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise...

What will I do?

I had my eye on this program which I was considering for after I graduate. It sounded really good because it was a paid internship - but today I went on the website again and it's like it disappeared!! I can't find it at all - it's completely changed. Why would they tell me about this in January and then destroy the opportunity before I even graduate (the degree is necessary to do the program)? I can't even describe the anger in my throat right now... It's like all my time spent planning ahead and the stress that I put into decision making is totally useless... I feel like I'm just going to be a bum living in my parents house for the rest of my life... I feel completely hopeless. I need to make some kind of living in order to advance farther in life... but it seems like all the routes are blocked some how. Everyone around my keeps asking what I'm going to do... I HAD A PLAN! even a B and a C. and now after doing some job hunting it seems like all my plans are just falling apart.... there are no jobs for students, there are no jobs at all. What will they say now? Why do I care what they say? Maybe it's because I don't want to be the 30 year old daughter living at home who's boyfriend realized she was going to become nothing and left her.

In your eyes are golden forest floors

where the sunlight peeks through the trees

and rests upon a soft moss bed and

passes through the ripples of a cool bubbling creek

The only sounds are nature's whispers

peace and harmony

I feel I've found a haven

protected by the shelter of the forest canopy

In your smile there is a clearing, cast with warm sun beams

flecked with wild flowers that pervade the aura of a dream

The refreshing breeze suggests adventure as it brushes at my back

This is where I'm suppose to be
because the woods are so dark and wild
without you next to me

Reticular Formation

The title of this blog has very little to do with the actual blog. The reticular formation is thought to be the part of your brain that joins the mind and the body (connection between the brain and spinal cord), therefore it is of special interest for those studying the mind body relationships, such as myself... That's as far as I've gotten in my attempt at studying as today is friday - and not just any at that. Today is the day after thursday, the day before saturday, the day connecting the week to the weekend - yes, today is march 12th - the day after March 11th which happens to be my birthday. Yesterday I ate marble slab ice cream cake and it was good. Maybe it even deserves a section in the creation story - "and marble slab ice cream cake was invented and god said it was good. Then he added gummy bears and raspberries and that was good too." Yes, yesterday was also a very busy day aside from eating birthday cake. The day before yesterday was also a busy day and the day before that as well... it seems I haven't had much time to be social outside of specific obligations.
Even tonight busy. I will be at the auto show showing off the solar car. I have memorized a sheet of facts so I don't sound like an idiot when answering questions. This was necessary because my role on the solar car team had almost nothing to do with the car itself. In fact it's more related to the reticular formation than it is the solar car. But alas I am excited for this opportunity... in all a not so informative blog today, sorry. I must return to my studying of psychophysiology.

Your Heart - Brain

I just attended an awesome seminar called "is your cranial brain the only brain in your body?" by Dr. Badri Rickhi. It was really interesting - all about the neural capacity of your other organs, with special focus on the heart, and how they may have a more prominent role in controlling your body than originally thought. General knowledge tells us that the brain is the control center but recent studies is medical science have revealed that the heart may also be a "control center", possibly with the ability to override the brain. Phenomenon that occurs in many post-heart transplant patients inspires studies investigating the heart's unique ability to store memories, especially emotional ones, and it's interaction with the brain... Sure it may sound far fetched, but intriguing evidence is being collected from EEGs, heart rhythm analysis (analyses micro changes in heart rhythm not shown on EEGs), and brain wave analysis that suggests that science has yet to discover all the mysteries of the human body. The human SYSTEM is much more complex than the parts we study it in, including the individual themselves a part of a much bigger system of people.
Much of the evidence alludes to the idea that eastern and ancient medicine can be backed up with science. Especially when one considers the enormous electromagnetic field of the heart and how it interacts with other people's. Some of the variable heart rhythms and brain wave studies have shown that your heart and brain may interact with those around you. A relatively healthy person can become sick from living with stressed or depressed individual (even when it is not obvious). These cases tend to be women being influenced by the emotions of their husband while they sleep. As well, two people in close proximity may experience a synchronization of their variable heart beat. Quite interesting... In many eastern medicine practices, energy is manipulated and in such practices as reiki, it is worth noting the uncanny resemblance of the energy pathways (alignment of chakras) to the magnetic field of the heart. I have also heard (from a different source) that specific points targeted in some Chinese therapies like acupuncture align nicely with the lymph system.
Another interesting thing this seminar touched on was the relationship between changes in heart rhythm and emotions. It is well known by most people that when you're stressed your heart races (and also becomes irregular) and when you are calm is beats slower and more steadily. A commonly taught technique to relax, calm the heart and nerves, and supposedly heal is progressive relaxation... however, while this technique is effective in relaxing muscles and calming the mind it does not cause significant enough changes to stimulate the healing effects of the parasympathetic nervous system (yes, the PNS is triggered but just to the relax point - not the heal point). What does trigger the heart to begin beating in nice synchronicity and result in enough changes to have a healing effect is the emotion of appreciation and love. When subjects were told to visualize being appreciative, giving thanks, or the feeling of love they generated more alpha brain waves and a steady heart rhythm (beautiful even wave on a graph) and reached healing levels. So isn't this what religion has been preaching all along? Now we have scientific evidence to justify it! Give thanks! Now go pray and be healthy. :-)

It's a girl thing... ?

After an increase in dramatic events and many a rant to my current bf, his immediate feedback is "if she was a guy I'd tell her to fuck off and then we'd go out for drinks. Girls are so dramatic." Although a stereotype I do feel it carries some truth. All the way up until high school I mostly had male friends, and the female friends I had were in the same boat. Our biggest problem was having parties or gatherings that wouldn't end up being sausage fests - something apparently not desirable for hormone saturated high school boys. For the most part, the same is true today (except that the boys don't mind if girls are at the party or not). The only difference is that in my university years I've had a few new female pals... and every one of them could win some kind of Academy award. I've had to deal with "feelings" (some arising from speculation derived from trivial pieces of information and great imaginations), and topics I feel unworthy of serious talk (like the length of time between phone calls for example. wtf.). Obviously there could be other factors than just being female, but for the sake of simplicity I'll just say that none of these crazy things would have happened between male friends. The worst between-male drama I've heard of so far is one guy secretly losing trust in another after he was lied to... ok understandable. Even male drama usually has a female co-star. Basically this whole blog is just me trying to extrapolate reasons for my own issues that are not in my control. What can I say... it's a girl thing?

Luckily this stuff is old news that keeps getting recycled in my brain, like a game to see how many new derivatives I can make from it. Right now everything seems to be quite alright. Even my skin is beginning to clear up!! Yay! Here is the link to the Skin Science website: Click here. If you plan on checking it out tell her I referred you! :-P

Broke but beautiful

Finally I made it to the skin specialist. Not a dermatologist as you might think (that appointment is still a few months away - damn waiting lists! I booked that in September). This is a place called skin science. The woman who owns it is a doctor herself who specializes in skin (so basically a dermatologist) except its a private practice - more like a clinic offering a service and selling products and with no waiting list!. She works in collaboration with the dermatologist I will eventually get to see. I went there two years ago when she was just starting up and got some counsel on proper makeup and moisturizer but it was damn expensive and not hugely amazing so I didn't go back. Low and behold after two years my skin is still shit and probably worse than ever (starting september because I was lucky to have two months of nice skin this year). Then my sister got me a gift certificate to Skin Science so I had no excuses not to give it another try. Glad I did. This time she was more established and had a computer imaging system to picture my skin - the wrinkles (none! hellz yeah), the texture, the bacteria, the UV damage (below average - yes!), and the inflammation. This was to investigate and pinpoint what might be contributing to my acne. Turns out almost everything! She recommended several products to add to my routine and blue-light treament to get rid of the bacteria (I am now suckered into paying for blue light treaments twice a week for six weeks - this better damn well work!). I have added a special toner and high end moisturizer to my routine as well as an antiimflamtory cream to wear at night. I feel good about this - it seems to be helping already! She also suggested I change my diet a bit to reduce the inflammation in my skin (the picture was actually quite scarey and now I am fully motivated to try and reduce inflamation). Goodbye sugary drinks ... my beloved ice tea.... for I am now on a low glycemic index diet (translation: healthy diet with lots of fiber, no processed foods, white breads, etc. and less sugary foods and drinks). I consider my lifestyle to be pretty healthy anyways so there are only very few things I can think of to change that will help combat this problem. I may also have to cut back on my beautiful chocolate milk - the light of my life... adios mi leche chocolate. I will miss you... but probably still drink you once for awhile as I my mom just recently bought a new jug...

Blog reflections.

I read over my last blog again and I feel I did a pretty good job of getting out my rant... except at the end. I guess I was just caught up in a fleeting emotion and feared I would have to care about what's going on on "the other side" (ie. rumours, etc.). I guess it was a ligitimate concern in the moment but upon further reflection I decided it would be better if I just cared less. I'm actually feeling alot freer now, like I don't have to worry about that stuff, nor should I. Maybe losing friends is some kind of weird fear I have but I may have exagerated a bit by suggesting I would need to monitor it, haha. New plan: ignore any "odd" manipulations of facebook done by friends and continue to use the social network as I normally would. Treat friends with same respect and on real world terms (confront when necessary, otherwise consider realtionship to be untarnished by strange facebook behaviour... within reason). Maybe this is the key I was missing the whole time.

On another note - I've now made my lunch two days in a row! Yay! I'm finally doing what most people started doing in grade eight.... at 22. Oh New Years! How I love resolutions!

I have also attempted to liven up my blog by given it a creative title! yay! This may need work. opinions?

Facebook Wars.... misery loves company

The year 2009 was definitely a time of change and transition for me. Some were bad and some were good. One of the bad ones was the slow death of a friendship... to some extent it seems like it was only staying alive via life support (a combination of my patience, my inability to come out and express my feelings, and my feeling of obligation to "be nice" despite many an angry time). Then the plug was pulled and it died only to ressurect as a brain eating zombie who's medium was/is facebook.
I'd like to believe I tried my best to burry the frienship and move on with my life, taking special consideration of mutual friends and trying not to put them in the middle, but there was this one tie that I didn't break - oh that good old technology facebook. A whole other world is in virtual land and if that's the only place the zombie can get me now, well then I have my own personal zombie land going on. At first I decided not to "delete" this contact, nor did i put her on limited profile, or any of the other usual things people do when they're pissed off at someone. I just let it be. My sister told me once that the thing that annoyed her the most about past friends is when they delete you but keep a bunch of people on their list who they never talk to and you know they aren't friends with...slap in the face! so I decided that in light of this and the fact that a close history with many a good time did once exist , I would avoid "expressing" myself via facebook wars. However, the other side did not have the same mentality...
I was immediately put on limited profile... Whatever. I noticed it. It wasn't that annoying as I rationalized what I believed was her perspective and why she would do that. It was like this for awhile. I knew however that she was watching my facebook because I posted a happy birthday to one of our mutual friends who is closer to her than me (I did not post happy birthday on her wall a month earlier and I heard through the grapevine that she was mad about this. I was just surprised she expected that from me after what happened...) Later that day, I decided to check if I was still on limited profile for some goshdarn reason, only to discover it was even more limited than before. To the point where all this person was to me on facebook was a profile picture - "this person only shares certain information with everyone" was all it said. I realized she was pissed off but she was always pissed off so I didn't feel particularly bad about it. Life continued for awhile longer.
Then I decided to have a new years party that was kind of last minute. Since her attending events still showed up in my news feed for some reason, I was already aware in november that her and a few other friends were going out for new years. Anyways, just before christmas I invited a bunch of people to my news years party, including two guys that came a few years ago for new years... within minutes one of my good friends accepted and on the news feed it said "{name} is attending last minute news years party". About twenty minutes later it showed a post from former friend to both those two guys I invited "you should come out with us for new years!!" (inviting them with her...). It was too conincidential, especially since we both know those two guys don't like clubbing, so I came to the conclusion that she must be monitoring what was going on and then trying to make people choose.... or at least those two guys... Once again, I felt a bit frustrated and annoyed but tried to let it go and brush it off as my own paranoia... New years came and went.
I wanted to see pictures of my friends who didn't spend new years at my house... is there anything so wrong with that? Only to find that at least two of them had put me on limited profile to their pictures... why? I know this is specific to me because mutual friends can see these pictures. What is going to happen from me seeing their fun? absolutely nothing besides me wasting time ... what did I do to them that made them have to hide their life from me? (other than being addicted to facebook...). I was a bit annoyed at this too...
In light of a new year, a time to past the past in the past and move forward, combined with this frustration, I decided that I would cut off the zombie from my life and hope that it would all fizzle out. I deleted former friend. I thought it would be over.
A couple days later I noticed that a few of our mutual friends had deleted me from their facebook... but not aquaintances that I had introduced them to? I guess my fears have been realized. The one thing that kept annoying me this whole time was my own fear that somehow zombie w0uld consume other people too... I kept telling myself - have faith that these people are mature and that they see you as what you are and not what someone tells them you are. That they rely on their own personal interaction with you to determine your character and not on someone elses... that they will realize that you haven't done anything wrong to them and that what goes on between you and one of their friends is only between you and that person... I kept holding on to this faith and the knowledge that if someone does decide otherwise that they are not a true friend anyways... The most annoying part of it is knowing that these people made their choice without ever asking me about my feelings or my side... without truly knowing me... which I guess is also an influence on why they did it.
I'm not devasted by the loss, as it shows me who are my true friends, I'm just annoyed that zombie is still trying to get me. Especially since, for some reason.... there are incongruencies... like my sister is on limited profile to one of my friend's page (probably so I can't see pictures through her) but I am only on partially limited. I speculate that this friend was asked to put me (and possibly my sister too) on limited but didn't want me to be mad so only limited certain things from me, but all from my sister (assuming she probably wouldn't notice anyway). Then close friends who were deleted by former friend at the same time as I was blocked (haha, I'm blocked... btw), and who are also on limited profile to same people who deleted me are not deleted by them even though they NEVER talk and are only aquaintances (mostly via fairmont vacation). It doesn't make sense.

You may be wondering how I noticed all this stuff. The answer is simple: Farmville. It's a very addictive game that allows me to spend more than an hour on facebook all in one sitting... you can also get stuff to level up from people posting things on their wall (it shows up in news feed) so reading news feed takes up part of that time. The problem now is that I need to reduce my overall time on facebook because of school. Usually its not that hard for me. Now I have a new concern though... and that is checking to make sure my friends don't start dropping like flies... then I will know that something is going on.... like a rumour has been made - probably as a result of the zombie. I just wish I could show and tell everyone that I have been doing nothing related to former friend to have any new rumours emerging. I've been keeping to myself, having lunches with my friends, and enjoying my life outside facebook (not including farmville).

2010 --> New Year, New Blogs...

On New Years day my family had a nice dinner at Sorrintino's, a fancy italian restaurant. The topic of the movie Julie & Julia came up and my uncle mentioned he was interested in starting a blog, which is a pretty cool thought because he would actually have something to blog about. I remember watching that movie and feeling inspired to blog too but then I realized I don't have time to be a regular blogger so I'll just have to postpone the motivation until I'm out of school. When my sister and cousin saw the movie they were inspired to cook! We once had a thought that we would make a food blog together... that brings me to...
New years resolutions?

--> getting in shape - always a resolution... not really specific to january start. Last year had the same resolution and of course followed through, haha, but its easy for me because its already part of my lifestyle... therefore its less of a resolution now and more of a maintainance schedule...
--> eating healthy? Also seems to be an ongoing resolution. This year I have two main goals: no fast food - even at school - which means I'll have to attempt to make my own lunch everyday. The other goal is to do Lent. In February (whenever Lent starts) I'm goint to give up pop! NO POP! Not even when its the only drink in the house. Hello tap water :-P

--> Saving money - last year I made a resolution not to use my VISA card as much but I actually ended up using it more! New Years Resolution FAIL. This year I will not make that resoltion because I have too many things planned that involve the need to use my credit card (ie. trips, workout classes) So instead, this year I hope that NYR2 (no fast food) will help me save money... So far I'm off to a good start. Haven't had a single fast food in 4 days! The only fast food I am willing to buy if i have to (not counting tea from coffee places) is Lentil soup from Pita on the Run at school. On another note, I think I need to purchase more soup thermoses...

--> Journaling - or blogging, in whatever form journaling decides to take... I'm going to record my thoughts more. If there's one thing I've learned from doing so in the past, it's that it help you track and view your own development - mentally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically. And it helps reveal patterns that occur in your life and that may lead to future resolutions. Speaking of...
Wow! I just reviewed my posts from last january and man it must have sucked. So maybe I'll update a bit about "those" feelings. Sometime I still feel a bit of "miss" (maybe a fraction of a percent of what those blogs were describing), but I've moved on now and the reality is that NOW is much better than then. I still feel like on some level I've lost a kindrid spirit - like an energy connection. Maybe we'll meet again in some other life, when our physical realities better match our inside worlds (this probably sounds crazy). Now I've found another kindrid spirit and there is much more balance between inside and out. Neither area is perfect but if I was an engineer and I quantified the amount on either side, the sum of the parts would make a bigger whole than before. I guess the only thing to do is pray that all friends and lovers past will find happiness in their own lives.

Anyways, an exciting few days are coming up! Reiki tomorrow, massage wednesday, and fairmont thursday!